DP blew up at me last night because I said I wanted to do a hobby. Was I the unreasonable one??

[Ashme]

Last night started with me cheerfully telling DP that I was considering rejoining my old karate club and ended in a massive row were DP accused me of being a bitch, not caring about him and using him as a passport to "well .... godknows" (he was going to say a better life but stopped short, he's a highish earner and I'm not).

So, he comes in from work and he's ok with me but has a bit of a face on. Doesn't say that anything is wrong but after a bit says "you don't love me" - half jokingly. This was before we'd even had any crossed words!

So a bit later on I'm making dinner and I cheerfully say "oh btw, I've made some enquiries and I'm thinking about rejoining the karate club I used to go to! get fitter and give me something to do a couple of nights a week." His face dropped and he said "are you being serious??"

To cut a long story short, he first said we couldn't afford the £5 a week it would cost (despite the fact that we have over £100 spare AFTER accounting for £50 luxuries (cinema/meals etc) a week. So obviously this excuse didn't add up. He then added that he didn't want to be left on his own whilst I was off 'galavanting' about twice a week, I would end up not doing anything around the house as I'd be too tired(!!!??) the club would start forcing me into extra training sessions/weekend outings etc because "that's what they're like" (he knows nobody from this club). He then kicked off because I said I didn't like watching TV every night (he knew this from when we met, I've never been a telly watcher) so he launches into this speech about how I've obviously been pretending to be a different person all this time and now the "truth is coming out and the real you is being exposed" - he came out with comments such as "we should be planning to do stuff together, not apart" and "it starts here, next thing you'll be turning into a fitness fanatic that I never see" ...... you don't wanna know what happened when I also told him I was considering cutting right down on my alcohol intake - you would have thought I'd just told him I was becoming a devout religious enthusiast that would clash with everything he stands for.

I just don't get it. It got quite nasty in the end - I started biting back, reminded him of the shit I've put up with from him in the past and that I can't beleive he's been so unsupporting, he spat back with "why are you being such a bitch??? you don't give a shit about me, you do my fucking head in". He also threw in a little comment about how his life would be so much easier if he fucked off and found someone else with kids that didn't have 'issues' (my DS is adhd and is playing up quite badly lately) but he 'chooses to stick around'.

And remember - all this was because I said I quite fancied doing 2 hours of karate a week.

WTF?????

Oh and another reason the money excuse doesn't add up is because he was all for me taking up horse riding which is a hell of a lot more expensive!

Has he been behaving oddly at all recently? It seems to me he is deliberating choosing to make it into a situation where it looks like you are rejecting him.

Wow massive over reaction!!

To me he sounds insecure and will be thinking you are going to be surrounded by fit men and may possibly be tempted by them. Especially the way he made out he was doing you the favour of 'sticking around'

He's being very unreasonable though!!

Is he scared you might meet another man, or be tempted to?

He sounds a bit jealous OP.

His reaction is ridiculous!

I'm sorry hes being so awful to you and the bit about your child having "Issues" was disgusting. x

cross post Henrietta

Great minds think alike

He sounds controlling. My parents have the exact same arguments. In fact if it wasn't for the fact my mum has never done karate she could have written your post.

Tell me, when you're sat at home watching tv is it what he wants to watch? Does he consult you? Does he expect you to like the same things?

My parents relationship is not a healthy one. If this is the only time this has happened then fair enough but if this is one instance in a long line of things I would ask you to really consider your relationship as a whole.

My mum has spent many years being very unhappy (though she kids herself it's not the case) not having hobbies (thereby not having many friends) and he just controls everything.

There is lots of stuff going on here I think.
Firstly, any relationship should be accommodating enough for each partner to develop their own interests and hobbies.

But he does have a point about doing something together.
I know childcare might be an issue but is there something that you could perhaps do as a joint activity? And do the karate?

The money is obviously a separate issue again. He obviously feels resentful about the money you earn and he doesn't. I think this might be a more difficult issue to resolve.

I think his last comment about life being easier if he 'fucked off and found someone else with kids that didn't have 'issues'' is incredibly nasty and I don't like to say it, but I think all these together are signs of a relationship that's in stormy waters...

But please don't let him stop you finding new interests. My ex always used to say "We never do anything together" but he fucked off to the tv room every single night of our marriage at 9pm precisely, because he liked his own space!

So I gave him a whole load of space!

I think he feels left out.

That you would rather do something else than be with him. He thought you were happy having a glass of vino in front of the box (I bet he says he doesn't remember you ever saying you are not keen on tv). 'Suddenly' you don't like that, you would rather do some thing else and not only that but not include him, and you want him to pay for it.

I'm not saying I agree with this, just that what he thought was cosy and comfortable and normal now isn't good enough, not fun etc.

Equally he could think you want to meet fit blokes.... Both equal same thing!

Calling you names and dragging your child's problems into an argument are nasty.

Will you be relying on him to watch your child? I would ignore further comments, make arrangements and go.

How long have you been together? Is he going to threaten to leave you every time you want to or do something he doesn't agree with? Sod that.

Is he seeing someone else?

...his life would be so much easier if he fucked off and found someone else...

Are you absolutely sure he hasn't already done exactly that? That's a very defensive over reaction he's had there

It's great to do things together but you also need to be your own person and do your own things.
YANBU about this. 2 hours a week!
I would be putting my foot down and going along to try it.
You might not like it anymore. Who knows until you try?
You need to do things for you so you go ahead and do it!

little comment about how his life would be so much easier if he fucked off and found someone else with kids that didn't have 'issues'

This bit has major alarm bells going off in my head! To me he's telling what he's doing - if that makes sense?

XPost with Purple we both have the same idea there!

well i'd say unless you have been living with him in a daze you had an idea of his personality and that none of this is a bolt from the blue.

personally i'd quite happily support him in fucking off to find another family, especially after what he said about your son. you know that shit isn't necessary for a relationship so end it and find a decent person.

What a nasty man. I suspect your life would be easier if he f*ed off and found someone else.

At new year we made a pact that we would go and join a sports thing together - badminton or maybe squash. As the weeks and months went on I kept bringing it up and he kept making excuses so it's not as if we don't do anything together. We go camping together, walking together etc as well as trying to fit in a cinema trip or a restaurant meal once a week - we spend A LOT of time together. I have no interest in the TV so I just let him watch whatever he wants. To be fair, he does make a point of watching stuff I really don't like when I'm in the bath and puts of stuff I don't mind when I'm in the room but even so, I'd prefer to be out of the house doing something!

He really upset me with a number of comments.

a) It would be easier for me to fuck off and find someone else etc
b) what am I, your passport to ... well god knows (better life)
c) I sometimes wish you hadn't forgiven me for the stuff I did in the early days then I could have gone off and met someone else and started a fresh without having that thrown in my face all the time (he joined a dating site 3 months into our relationship and continued chatting with women and on occasion, trying to arrange dates for almost 5 months and only stopped because I caught him.
d) I only stayed with you in the early days because you were so persistant but I love you now, I learnt to love you (wtf?!)

If he wishes to part so much why doesn't he just fuck off? I give him every opportunity to yet as soon as I tell him to do one he backs down and starts going on about how much he loves me.

If you'd taken up pole dancing or stripping then I'd understand if he wasn't too keen.

Is he scared you'll meet someone else of you're out on your own?

A bit too possessive imo. They are his kids too I assume. Could be a mid-life crisis. No excuse though.

I would tell him to pack his bags and fuck off - particuarly after the comment about your child.

Ashme

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Did he move into your house?.

Red flags all over this I am sorry to say. Your man had a massive over-reaction. This is really about power and control; he does not want you to have a life of your own.

What else have you had to compromise on because of his unyielding attitude, his low self esteem manifesting itself in insecurity and jealousy not just to mention his overall paranoia?.

By saying this to you he is not acting as a decent stepfather figure to your child either. I would think very carefully about whether this relationship actually has any future in it at all.

Er..... You keep taking him back? You give him every opportunity but you don't actually follow through by the sounds of it. You both are at fault.

Think you really need to make a decision and stick to it this time.

Don't think he's seeing anyone else but who knows? he's been known to lie to me quite easily before.

There is suddenly a lot of overtime at work and recently he's been going in on Saturday mornings when normally the company isn't even open on saturday mornings. I was suspicious about this but then a bloke called him and they were talking about work and DP said "you could drop it off on Saturday morning as we're in this week" so maybe it is legit.

He doesn't hide his phone or seem glued to it but I'm well aware of the fact that he could have a 2nd phone on the go. He seems almost too lax with his phone - leaves it on the sofa arm next to me whilst he goes to shop etc, almost like he's making a point of doing so.

He does not leave because he is on to a good thing with you; he has you really where he wants you. Why try and manipulate someone else the same, that requires effort and he is too lazy to do that. He wants to be the Big Man.

I am wondering also whether he is actually a cocklodger and latched onto you?.

seriously OP- he is telling you he doesn't want to be with you- he just wants you to be the one that ends it so he can be the good guy and can say "well i tried- she didn't want to"