DP blew up at me last night because I said I wanted to do a hobby. Was I the unreasonable one??

[Ashme]

Last night started with me cheerfully telling DP that I was considering rejoining my old karate club and ended in a massive row were DP accused me of being a bitch, not caring about him and using him as a passport to "well .... godknows" (he was going to say a better life but stopped short, he's a highish earner and I'm not).

So, he comes in from work and he's ok with me but has a bit of a face on. Doesn't say that anything is wrong but after a bit says "you don't love me" - half jokingly. This was before we'd even had any crossed words!

So a bit later on I'm making dinner and I cheerfully say "oh btw, I've made some enquiries and I'm thinking about rejoining the karate club I used to go to! get fitter and give me something to do a couple of nights a week." His face dropped and he said "are you being serious??"

To cut a long story short, he first said we couldn't afford the £5 a week it would cost (despite the fact that we have over £100 spare AFTER accounting for £50 luxuries (cinema/meals etc) a week. So obviously this excuse didn't add up. He then added that he didn't want to be left on his own whilst I was off 'galavanting' about twice a week, I would end up not doing anything around the house as I'd be too tired(!!!??) the club would start forcing me into extra training sessions/weekend outings etc because "that's what they're like" (he knows nobody from this club). He then kicked off because I said I didn't like watching TV every night (he knew this from when we met, I've never been a telly watcher) so he launches into this speech about how I've obviously been pretending to be a different person all this time and now the "truth is coming out and the real you is being exposed" - he came out with comments such as "we should be planning to do stuff together, not apart" and "it starts here, next thing you'll be turning into a fitness fanatic that I never see" ...... you don't wanna know what happened when I also told him I was considering cutting right down on my alcohol intake - you would have thought I'd just told him I was becoming a devout religious enthusiast that would clash with everything he stands for.

I just don't get it. It got quite nasty in the end - I started biting back, reminded him of the shit I've put up with from him in the past and that I can't beleive he's been so unsupporting, he spat back with "why are you being such a bitch??? you don't give a shit about me, you do my fucking head in". He also threw in a little comment about how his life would be so much easier if he fucked off and found someone else with kids that didn't have 'issues' (my DS is adhd and is playing up quite badly lately) but he 'chooses to stick around'.

And remember - all this was because I said I quite fancied doing 2 hours of karate a week.

WTF?????

Bloody hell. Is he overweight/unfit and feeling insecure about the prospect of you shaping up?

How long have you been with this guy?

We often hear of men shrieking stuff that THEY are guilt of. Accusing us of affairs, when it's them that's considering it.

Him shrieking at you that you're only pretending to be the person you are, to me, says he's the one that's putting on an act.

The coming home and saying "you don't love me" out of the blue too, is a red flag to me. It's designed to get you to reaffirm your devotion.

You then say about karate and he flips.

This man is not who YOU think he is.

The ONLY reply to someone who says that they're thinking of doing a hobby for themselves a couple of times a week is "good on you, go for it!"

Back away from this man, dump him as soon as you can work up to it, and make sure he stays dumped.

He resents and dislikes your son.

That's game over.

I agree with Suck, my ex did this, picking fights and acting really shitty, because he wanted me to end it.

I refused to end it.

I agree with everyone and particularly Hissy. This is never going to get better or end well. You sound like a nice person and you really don't need or deserve this douche in your life. Kick him to the kerb and thank your lucky stars that your future, and your son's future, will be free of this noxious influence.

I refused to give up on my ex too.

10 years of emotional abuse, worn to a virtual shadow, agoraphobic.

This man is showing you who he is.

It's ugly.

You son needs people in his life that love and support him.

Not someone who throws the boy into an argument.

He showed you his true self there, it will only get worse.

This is how an abusive relationship looks.

I'm with Hissy on this one as well. This man is not really showing you who he is, but you certainly got a snapshot of it when you discussed going to karate. This screaming, projecting idiot is who he really is, and his message to you is be sweet and compliant, otherwise I will throw the mother of all tantrums.

As a comparison, I have had hobbies/study in the past that can take 10-20hrs per week, on top of full time work, and none of the men I have been with have dared pull the stunt your partner did.

I agree about the way he seems like a reluctant stepfather. What if he said that sort of thing in front of your son? When your son grows up, if he had that guy as a stepdad he will probably never forgive you because his childhood was marred by someone you chose to be with, who treated him so badly. I know because my mum chose a partner who by her own admission "hated kids" and my mum was too weak to stand up to her. That sort of thing from a childs point of view is hard to forgive.

Otoh, this is just a thread about an argument, nobody here is seeing the good side of your relationship if there is one so I wouldn't do anything hasty based on a discussion on here.

From what you've posted you can do a lot better than this guy. The looking to cheat early on, nasty comment about your son and the twisted logic aimed at stopping you doing something for yourself. I would end it as it doesn't sound like a good relationship for you. I think you know this yourself too but part of you believes what he is saying about how 'difficult' you are. It's rubbish.