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Original poster

DP blew up at me last night because I said I wanted to do a hobby. Was I the unreasonable one??

58 replies

Ashme · 04/06/2013 15:29

Last night started with me cheerfully telling DP that I was considering rejoining my old karate club and ended in a massive row were DP accused me of being a bitch, not caring about him and using him as a passport to "well .... godknows" (he was going to say a better life but stopped short, he's a highish earner and I'm not).

So, he comes in from work and he's ok with me but has a bit of a face on. Doesn't say that anything is wrong but after a bit says "you don't love me" - half jokingly. This was before we'd even had any crossed words!

So a bit later on I'm making dinner and I cheerfully say "oh btw, I've made some enquiries and I'm thinking about rejoining the karate club I used to go to! get fitter and give me something to do a couple of nights a week." His face dropped and he said "are you being serious??"

To cut a long story short, he first said we couldn't afford the £5 a week it would cost (despite the fact that we have over £100 spare AFTER accounting for £50 luxuries (cinema/meals etc) a week. So obviously this excuse didn't add up. He then added that he didn't want to be left on his own whilst I was off 'galavanting' about twice a week, I would end up not doing anything around the house as I'd be too tired(!!!??) the club would start forcing me into extra training sessions/weekend outings etc because "that's what they're like" (he knows nobody from this club). He then kicked off because I said I didn't like watching TV every night (he knew this from when we met, I've never been a telly watcher) so he launches into this speech about how I've obviously been pretending to be a different person all this time and now the "truth is coming out and the real you is being exposed" - he came out with comments such as "we should be planning to do stuff together, not apart" and "it starts here, next thing you'll be turning into a fitness fanatic that I never see" ...... you don't wanna know what happened when I also told him I was considering cutting right down on my alcohol intake - you would have thought I'd just told him I was becoming a devout religious enthusiast that would clash with everything he stands for.

I just don't get it. It got quite nasty in the end - I started biting back, reminded him of the shit I've put up with from him in the past and that I can't beleive he's been so unsupporting, he spat back with "why are you being such a bitch??? you don't give a shit about me, you do my fucking head in". He also threw in a little comment about how his life would be so much easier if he fucked off and found someone else with kids that didn't have 'issues' (my DS is adhd and is playing up quite badly lately) but he 'chooses to stick around'.

And remember - all this was because I said I quite fancied doing 2 hours of karate a week.

WTF?????

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2013 16:04

He does not leave also because he wants you to end it. He is too cowardly to do otherwise, he wants to portray you as the bad person in this dysfunctional relationship.

I think he continues to act unfaithfully to you and has done so since 3 months in. It should have ended then actually but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Have you actually wondered why you are together at all?. How long have you been together?.

Original poster
Ashme · 04/06/2013 16:11

But I have ended it on a number of occasions and he cries and begs me to give it another go. If he secretely wanted it to end, why doesn't he take the chance when I tell him to leave?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2013 16:15

He's onto a good thing with you really and can play the Big Man within the home. Why give that up and try the same with someone else?.

Don't fall for his tears either; you have ended this more than once already. Why have you taken him back each time, out of fear of being alone?. Such relationships with recurrent dramas can be addictive but are not worth the pain.

suckmabigtoe · 04/06/2013 16:19

he is playing you! he knows he can push you to the limits and then get you back with the turning on of a tap. he wants you there for convenient sex and meals and company but doesn't want the reality of a relationship- he doesn't want an equal partner who thinks for themself and has their own hobbies- he wants someone there for his convenience, when it suits him.

end it. if for nothing else the fact that he's a nasty bastard about your son

puckertoe · 04/06/2013 16:21

I've been married for 25 years and it's hard work, sometimes its shit.
But we certainly would not be together stil lif we had not been able to do what we enjoyed doing, whether that is together or apart. You both need time to your selves doing something without the other.
Your bloke sounds really insecure. Ignore it and do what you want to, it's not selfish to have a life. Suggest he joins you, or does something of his own interest on that night. If he doesn't want to, then let him sulk.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 04/06/2013 18:42

Yes yes to his joining the family class at karate, then he can spar someone his own size! Grin Oh, he doesn't want too; is he afraid? [Delicious!]

Fun aside, he is using you. And his attitude toward your child is harmful to your child. Dump him for your child's sake, if not your own.

Go to karate, stretch out, work up a good sweat, and feel great. I'd　start up again, too, if I weren't so old and thought my joints could take it.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/06/2013 18:46

Look, as far as he's concerned, you're a woman. Therefore your life revolves around Pleasing Your Man, for you to have any interests or leisure time of your own is unacceptable, so he's going to upset you and bully you until you give up the idea.
Bin the nasty inadequate fucker.

jessjessjess · 04/06/2013 18:48

He is bullying and manipulating you. He doesn't want it to end - he wants things to go his way. All the time.

He is BU. You are not.

PurplePidjin · 04/06/2013 18:50

Because if he leaves, he has to live his well-deserved sad little life wanking into a stained bath towel in his filthy bachelor pad. With you he gets a hot dinner on the table, a proper shag whenever he wants and he can brag to his mates about how good he is to take on your "troubled" son.

Stop teaching your son to trample on women, which is all this twat will teach him, and get your life back.

LadyintheRadiator · 04/06/2013 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 04/06/2013 18:57

'I only stayed with you in the early days because you were so persistant but I love you now, I learnt to love you (wtf?!)'

I'm no expert, but that sounds like emotional manipulation to me.

It all sounds dysfunctional and unhealthy, OP. I think you and your son deserve better.

arthriticfingers · 04/06/2013 19:04

Ashme
Please please read the links at the top of this thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1763123-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-22
particularly Lundy Bancroft.
this behaviour can only escalate. :(

Hissy · 04/06/2013 20:12

Is he dad to your son?
Anyone who said what he said about my son would never, EVER darken my door again.

Gather the financial info, get your ducks lined up and kick this twat to the far side of Fuck.

He is vile, abusive, and a loser. You've let him away with far too much, it's ok, we hall have done, but I actually gasped when I read what he said to you.

You have to LTB, you really do.

(((hugs)))

DonnaMoss · 04/06/2013 20:19

Irrespective of all the other crap that he said, I'd sack him off soley on the basis of what he said about your child. What a shithead.

Louise1956 · 04/06/2013 21:29

if you have tried to get him to go to sports with you and he won't, it's not fair of him to try and stop you going on your own. just do the karate if that's what you want. it might be different if he had some alternative plan for an activity you could do together, but clearly he does not.

ImperialBlether · 04/06/2013 21:33

OP, does he live in your house? Given his history, I'd say he has another phone, tbh. When someone is used to sneaking around, which he was, those old habits die hard. His ostentatious leaving of his phone when anyone would take it with them, suggests he thinks he's one step ahead of you.

But that aside, just the comment about your child would have me packing his or my bags.

Tiredemma · 04/06/2013 21:38

Gosh. What a cunt.

pictish · 04/06/2013 21:46

I only stayed with you in the early days because you were so persistant but I love you now, I learnt to love you

Omg that is just awful! He is awful!

One question OP - what is your marriage like generally? How does he speak to you? Is he polite and considerate?
How does he get on with your son?

What is day to day life like with your husband?

pictish · 04/06/2013 21:51

That's more than one question I know...

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 04/06/2013 21:51

I wouldn't care whether he was seeing someone else or not - he'd be told to 'fuck off' - without a backward glance, he's nasty, controlling and an all around git. You'd be far better off on your own.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 04/06/2013 21:52

Oh and everything else aside, the single comment about your DS would have bags being packed. End of.

tribpot · 04/06/2013 22:01

But I have ended it on a number of occasions and he cries and begs me to give it another go. If he secretely wanted it to end, why doesn't he take the chance when I tell him to leave?

Because that's not how the game is played. You're trying to deal with this rationally and logically, he quite clearly isn't. You put up with his crap, then you get fed up and end it, then he cries and you take him back (which means he's won) and so on and so on.

raisah · 04/06/2013 22:33

Could it be that you could floor him if he evet laid a fimger on you and that's what's making him uncomfortable. Don't give up the karate as that might help you out oneday.

Oopla · 04/06/2013 22:59

He's a loser

Helltotheno · 04/06/2013 23:07

Look love he doesn't want to be with you. Get some self respect and kick him to the kerb. Are you still with him because he earns more than you or what, because let's face it, he's not offering you anything else is he?