Not my bombshell to drop (sorry, long)

[TheGoodAunt]

I have a sister who has a grown up daughter and, although they both now live in a different country to me, we are all still close and talk every week or so.
Other than a few distant cousins we don't have any other relatives, and so the family relationships are understandably very important to my niece.

My sister is divorced from my niece's father who went on to re-marry and, although through the years he has chosen to have no contact, my niece has remarked on more than one occasion that she would have been very happy if he'd gone on to have more children, then at least she would have had (half) siblings. He didn't have any other family.

My niece is a great girl, leads a very full life, has lots of friends and sees her mother regularly, but I know for sure that she sometimes feels sadness at the 'lack' of relatives in her life and is a bit phased by the 'smallness' of our family.

Knowing this, I find the secret I keep have carried for years almost too hard to bear. It is not 'my' secret.

When she was just fifteen my sister had a child which was given up for adoption. This was arranged by my parents and no one ever knew. Six years later my sister had re-built her life, married, had my niece and still no-one knew (so not such a big age gap). It was only around the time of the death of my parents that I found out by accident.

I have spoken with my sister about this and tried to support her in every way I can. Obviously she will always grieve for the baby she gave up, but she has built a stable life and has a very good relationship with her daughter, my niece.
She does not want to tell my niece nor does she want my niece to be told that my niece has a (half) sibling somewhere in the world. She will not consider it, won't discuss it and becomes distraught if I try and get her to at least consider talking this through with someone.
I am worried that if I push too hard this would tear my sister apart.

That should be the end to the matter. It is not my secret to tell. But even so, it is a secret that I have to carry too. A secret I have to keep from my lovely niece.

I believe my sister has got a right to keep her secret and not be subject to pressure from me or anyone else.

BUT

I equally believe my niece has got a right to know that she actually has got the longed for sibling somewhere.

I think about this every day. Is there an answer.

You keep the secret.

Risking bringing back everything your sister must have gone through is by far worse than your niece being sad she doesn't have a sibling.

I agree with you, the niece has a right to know, especially if she is an adult. I loath family secrets like these, it will only come out later, probably when everyone it much too old and too much time has been lost, or on a deathbed. WHY???

The niece has a brother or sister she could be building a relationship with. They will have children one day and they should have the choice of knowing one another, sharing their family and doing family things.

I understand its painful, but the alternative seems much more painful to me. Sibling that will never know each other. And that is so much worse. Time will march on either way, and its just wrong imho.

Mm. Tough one. But I would keep the secret.

However I would not be certain that your niece wish is for an older sibling with their world, issues, problems and opportunities to be dropped on her either. It is an enormous can of worm to open. Also, what about the impact in the other sibling?

Also, there is a great gal between musings about another sibling and the reality of a sibling.

I am an only child from a broken marriage, and while I have romantically thought at times that it would be nice to have a sibling, I am also acutely aware now as an adult and a parent that my life would have been dido fervent, for better or worse, but definitely for worse on certain opportunities offered to me.

Gap not gal.

You must keep the secret, it's not yours to tell.

You can't say anything. Breaking the confidence might give your niece her longed-for sibling but it's much more likely it will open up a world of heartbreak. Your sister will not trust you, your niece will not trust her mother and you are actually no closer to her having a relationship with her sibling. S/he would have to be tracked down first (I don't know the procedure for this but presumably only your sister would be allowed to access information about the adoption) and her child might not want any contact with her, let alone a new sibling. Where does that leave all of you?

Don't tell. You said yourself you found out by accident, so even you shouldn't know in reality. But you do, and I think you should consider your susters original (and current) wishes and keep the secret.

You will force others to confront issues that maybe are best left alone.

Say nothing. It's a Pandora's Box of a situation and the risk of causing heartache is just too great

I'm thinking mainly of the child who was given to adoption.

I'm not sure I'd like to know that my mother had gone on to have more children and that they enjoyed her company, TBH, whilst I had been discarded.
(I understand that she may have not had a real option to keep at 15, but her daughter might not be so understanding)

If the adopted daughter would want to know about her parents, I'm sure she could try to find out, so I'd leave it for her to come forward if she wants.

where will it lead if nothing is said??? It is just as tragic! What if it is the opposite though, what if they other sibling would want contact and they are happy to know each other??

Their are obvious negatives, but what about the fact that they are indeed siblings that are being kept apart??? It's quite wrong.

What about a future they could be building together, and if they are indeed very happy to find each other, they are being denied that!
I find it sad that everyone is focused on the negative. And how her sister will react, the children are innocent.

Her sister doesn't have to have contact if she chooses not to, but that choice shouldn't be made for her daughter.

The sibling didn't ask for this to happen, but they are both siblings and should never be kept apart.

Really Mel ?!? heartache?? just a tad precious coming from you...

You could assess your niece's feelings about this by mentioning a similar story to her.
Say it was a friend or something you read on MN...

Not sure if it will help, but: www.afteradoption.org.uk/are-you-adopted-adult-or-birth-relative

Lovely idea Lweji

One of the main good bits about having siblings is a shared life, a shared history, a shared growing up experience. My bond with my 3 brothers is partly biological but even more so, is about the fact that we shared our childhood. It's entirely likely that if I met any of them as adults we wouldn't particularly get on and would almost certainly have nothing in common. But because of our history that doesn't matter at all.

Finding an adult half sibling would not replicate that at all. Yes there would technically be a biological connection but there would be no shared experience, nothing necessarily in common, so I'm not sure connecting these two now would go very far towards addressing your niece's regrets about not having a bigger family.

"Their are obvious negatives, but what about the fact that they are indeed siblings that are being kept apart??? It's quite wrong." is it though? in truth the choice was made to keep siblings apart at the point the sister decided (for whatever reason) to relinquish parental responsibility for the other child and give her up for adoption. It may not seem right to those of us who couldn't conceive of giving up a child, but for her that was the choice shemade, and for that child to not be a part of her family, and in that instance yes, the choice is made for any future children as well because the adopted child is not a part of that family and can only choose to be if they wish, the family who are left behind cannot make that choice.

Famly secrets like this are always difficult, but telling is about more than just revealing the existence of a sibling, it's about revealing potential betrayal in terms of the fact the mother chose to withhold this information for her own reasons. The only person who has th right to reveal that information is the biological mother who made the decision to give up the baby, no-one else.

I think it would be worse for them keep it a secret for long than they already have. I can imagine the heartache of all the time lost being 65 and missed all those years. :(

But surely that decision should be left up to the siblings to make flowery? noone can, nor should make it for them.

And it seems its been done for long enough as they have lost sharing their childhood together. They well want to build one now? It is a possibility they would be very happy to know each other?

And worse case, if it didn't the truth is out and they were able to make that choice, and it was the siblings choice to make.

I just seems the right for them to know of each other, that they seem to be young adults and instead of more time wasted and going by, they finally get a choice in the matter. They are indeed siblings after all, and should finally know each other.

Actually, flowery, siblings can have genetically determined traits in common, and can certainly build a new history together.

It's not your secret to tell.

As someone said above, you only found out by accident.

Thirdly, spare a thought for the adopted child. This might all be very well for the one longing for the sibling, but what about the feelings of the child put up for adoption, who may or may not know?

It's best to leave well alone.

Wannabe,

Sorry X post. I disagree, it shouldn't just the biological mum's right. She bore more children. I honestly think that changes things.

You can see on the net, watch show on telly on children that find out they aren't alone and then they are desperately looking for their sibling.

It's even more sad when they are at the end of their lives, and the mum is long since gone, with many unanswered questions. There must be another way. I find it quite selfish to force a life decision on children, if I'm blunt about it.

I can understand if mum doesn't want contact, that is of course her choice, but that choice should not be forced on the children, for all their lives. That imo so wrong.

IMO it is all too easy to romanticise the idea of a long lost sibling with whom you could build a future relationship, when actually the reality is often far removed from that.

To reveal information like that to someone is essentially like altering history. Imagine thinking that you are an only child all your life and then being told that actually there was a sibling that you never knew about, a sibling you have no way of knowing who/where they are, what does that really achieve? There is certainly merit in being told at a younger age when you can grow up with that knowledge/information, but not in having the bombshell dropped like that when you are powerless to act on it.

And what of the adopted child? What if they don?t know they were adopted? Or have no desire to contact their birth family? Or what if, god forbid, they have died, what then for the sibling who had the bombshell dropped on them and all because a well-meaning relative wanted to satisfy their need for a sibling?

I'm not saying otherwise Lweji.

Of course they can build a history together if they get on and want to do so, and of course their genetic connection may well involve physical and/or character traits in common.

I'm just saying that in my view, one of the main benefits of siblings is a shared childhood, and the niece meeting an adult sibling wouldn't replicate that.

In this circumstance my own view would be that the niece should be told, but it is not up to the OP to do it.

" I find it quite selfish to force a life decision on children, if I'm blunt about it." I don't disagree with you there, but I wonder then what the answer is, should women who give up babies for adoption then not have any more children perhaps if they feel that strongly that they never want their secret to come out?

I think fwiw that things like being a sperm/egg donor when you have existing children is equally selfish, yet I wonder whether people would still advocate the decision too tell a child that they have siblings out there who were born as a result of that

What happened to people just being honest, and not keeping secrets?

It could turn out for good, and not doom and gloom. There is nothing romantic about any of this. They are adult siblings and have a right to know about each, and be allowed to act on this how they choose.

The fact is and always will be they are siblings, that will not change, now or 30 years from now. It should be their choice. I think the sooner situations are resolved the sooner healing and relationships can build.