Not my bombshell to drop (sorry, long)

[TheGoodAunt]

I have a sister who has a grown up daughter and, although they both now live in a different country to me, we are all still close and talk every week or so.
Other than a few distant cousins we don't have any other relatives, and so the family relationships are understandably very important to my niece.

My sister is divorced from my niece's father who went on to re-marry and, although through the years he has chosen to have no contact, my niece has remarked on more than one occasion that she would have been very happy if he'd gone on to have more children, then at least she would have had (half) siblings. He didn't have any other family.

My niece is a great girl, leads a very full life, has lots of friends and sees her mother regularly, but I know for sure that she sometimes feels sadness at the 'lack' of relatives in her life and is a bit phased by the 'smallness' of our family.

Knowing this, I find the secret I keep have carried for years almost too hard to bear. It is not 'my' secret.

When she was just fifteen my sister had a child which was given up for adoption. This was arranged by my parents and no one ever knew. Six years later my sister had re-built her life, married, had my niece and still no-one knew (so not such a big age gap). It was only around the time of the death of my parents that I found out by accident.

I have spoken with my sister about this and tried to support her in every way I can. Obviously she will always grieve for the baby she gave up, but she has built a stable life and has a very good relationship with her daughter, my niece.
She does not want to tell my niece nor does she want my niece to be told that my niece has a (half) sibling somewhere in the world. She will not consider it, won't discuss it and becomes distraught if I try and get her to at least consider talking this through with someone.
I am worried that if I push too hard this would tear my sister apart.

That should be the end to the matter. It is not my secret to tell. But even so, it is a secret that I have to carry too. A secret I have to keep from my lovely niece.

I believe my sister has got a right to keep her secret and not be subject to pressure from me or anyone else.

BUT

I equally believe my niece has got a right to know that she actually has got the longed for sibling somewhere.

I think about this every day. Is there an answer.

Hi overture, I can see where you are coming from regarding secrets being out in the open and I do believe that too, generally.

But in reality you have NO IDEA why the mother chose to put the child up for adoption - neither does the OP.

The mother may very well have very good reasons for why she does not want this to be out in the open, and it's not your place to judge that.

The OP has said she has already suggested to her sister to talk about it - and she clearly said she does not want to. Why can't that be respected?

I'm just saying that in my view, one of the main benefits of siblings is a shared childhood, and the niece meeting an adult sibling wouldn't replicate that.

So?

As siblings we may get along or not, childhood friends also share their childhood, but they may be or not best friends in adulthood, as siblings too.

I don't think a shared childhood should make much of a difference.
More whether they get along or not.

Is there any way your niece could also find out by accident?

There are more people involved than the mother who gave up the child.

I think the feelings of the children should matter a great deal as well, one way or the other.

It could be good and not all gloom, of course, everything is possible.

I agree that secrets are not healthy, however like the OP I would worry enormously on how to address them.

"but I wonder then what the answer is, should women who give up babies for adoption then not have any more children perhaps if they feel that strongly that they never want their secret to come out?"

I am only referring to the OP's post, you can always open discussion to all the what if's in the world. I just would hope people would try to do the right thing on a situation by situation.

I think GoodAunt, is wanting to do right by her niece, since her sister should but won't tell niece of her sibling.

If I was the OP I would want my niece to know also, especially if the niece showed interest. I would also be conflicted for my sister. But the fact that the mum won't budge, and she does have the information, morally imo the siblings should know of each other.

Nothing more heartbreaking than seeing very old siblings find each other, breaking their heart over time lost, with loads of questions. I wouldn't want that to happen to them :(

I really liked Lweji idea to have the niece read the thread she linked and see how she reacts, and go from there.

I know exactly what you are going through as my DM and her sister are in the same position. Except DM has told me and my DB so now everyone in the family knows except my DNephew. To complicate things my Uncle also had an affair which lead to a child so my DNephew has a full sister and a half brother he knows nothing about. He is an adult and I believe he should be told but if my aunt found out I told him she would never speak to me or my DM ( for telling me ) again. I feel so sorry for him that he won't find out until his parents are dead, he will probably be in his fifties by then and all the details will have died with them.

Not your secret to tell.

Two of my friends have found out about unknown siblings in the last year and both have reacted very differently...

One couldn't really care less as he doesn't know them, isn't interested in getting to know them and isn't planning on going any further with it.

The second is angry that it was kept from him when the whole family knew except him and whilst it hasn't damaged things too much, it definitely hasn't helped with the trust issues he already had.

The point is that both of these are dear friends yet neither reacted how i thought they would - at all. Your DN might think she wants this but the reality may be very different.

And you do risk hurting the very person you think will benefit most...

"The mother may very well have very good reasons for why she does not want this to be out in the open, and it's not your place to judge that."

There is no way to know that either way. The only fact that remains they are siblings that are being kept from each other.

There is no reason good enough to siblings from each other their entire lives, when knowledge of their existence is there.

You should keep quiet. Revealing this secret will open up a huge can of worms which could destroy your family so say nothing.

I have a small family and my siblings were 9 and 18 years older than me. One sister passed away 11 years ago and the other sister (18 years older) I have pretty much nothing in common with. Biological bond means virtually nothing (to me at least) without shared experiences and interests. I'd love to have a large and close family but we just aren't and blood doesn't make it so. Not to say I don't love her to pieces and would do anything if she needed it - but we're not 'friends'.

I agree it's a shame for all concerned but it isn't yours to tell, especially as you weren't brought into confidence by your DSis in the first place.
If your (given up for adoption) niece wants to track her birth parents, she will and it will surface then.

Lots of good advice for telling and not telling, especially coming from those who have personally experience.

I wish you lots of luck and positive thoughts with whatever decision you come to GoodAunt, I don't envy being in your shoes, I can imagine it will be ever so difficult either way.

I do not envy you being in this position OP.

As an adult I found out about an adopted sibling. I was thrilled when I found out. He and I now have a good relationship and we have found that our shared genes mean that we have a lot in common despite not having grown up together. It has been a real thrill to get to know him.

BUT....it has been a long and very painful journey to get to this point.

The truth about the adoption almost broke our family apart. It very nearly destroyed my relationship with my parents. Would you risk that for your niece?

Many adoption reunions do not work out. Please, please research this carefully before you do anything else.

Pain, shame, guilt, anger and deep scars often surround an adoption, as well as love. How easily will your sister, your niece and you be able to handle that?

I was naive. I thought the reunion would be easy and wonderful. It has been hard and very, very painful as well as sometimes being wonderful.

There is no easy answer for you. Before you make any decision, please please do some research on adoption reunions.

IMHO there are no good options for you unless your sister is able to tell her daughter about the adoption.

PM me if you wish.

What do you mean "So?" Lweji? I was offering an opinion, and it's up to the OP whether she wants to take any notice of the points I made or not. Same with other posters, who've all offered different things the OP may or may not want to think about.

"I don't think a shared childhood should make much of a difference"

Much of a difference to what? Whether the OP should go behind her sister's back and tell her niece? No of course not, and again I didn't say it should.

I am just saying I think having siblings I shared a childhood with is one of the main advantages of having siblings at all. I certainly didn't share my childhood with my friends in nearly the same way, very different experiences. Other people may not think sharing a childhood is a good thing, or as much of an advantage as I think it is. It's my opinion not stated as universal fact although I suspect many people who enjoy having siblings would also feel a shared childhood is one of the pluses.

The OP seems to think the niece has missed out on not having siblings and she may or may not want to take into account the fact that much of the stuff her niece may feel as though she's missed will not be rectified by meeting an adult sibling.

Don't think I can explain my point any clearer!

Ask yourself truly why you want to do this. Do you honestly think it is 100 percent to the benefit of your niece? Is a small part of it to make youself look important?

I am am only child who has a very small family. My mother is alive, my father committed suicide (and he didn't know his biological father) a few years ago, I have no grandparents.

I have a half brother I was told about a few years ago.

I now have two children I have mused about knowing this other blood relative, but truth be told, I don't really want to, my heart's not in it, and it won't make my feelings about a strange menage a trois growing up go away.

I didn't appreciate my mum slipping it into the conversation so casually either.

You'll probably eff things up between all of you rather than help.

Are you willing to risk your relationship with your sister? It seems to me that if you do tell, the one likely outcome will be that your relationship with your sister breaks down.

From her point of view: She asks you not to tell. You tell. Then she knows she can't trust you.

If it were me, I wouldn't want to take that risk.

You have already had some excellent posts, such as that of Longlostsister

I would add a couple of other things..

Your reasoning about your niece being sad about her small family is a complete red herring. You can't know, even if you told her, that this sister would be found, or if she was found would want to be involved, and if she was involved, whether they would form a relationship. And other relationships such as with the mother may be hurt along the way- so you can't do this to get her a sister as that is possibly an unlikely (though lovely sounding) outcome. My children say they'd like a baby or preferably a baby brother, and are a bit sad they are from a small family- I think this is normal reflecting on how families have changed these days.

You also are thinking about it from the niece that you knows point of view, but what about the adopted sister's point of view? Who knows if she wants to have contact with her birth mother or sister? What if, even worse, she does but it is your sister, her mother who doesn't want to go ahead with contact- from what you have said she doesn't sound keen to go back to that episode in her life. Being rejected would be devastating for her, which is why unless your sister (her mother) is keen to meet her/support her daughter in this, I think you are better off leaving alone. Your half-niece isn't there to provide a 'larger family' addition to what your niece already has, she will have her own feelings and views, she may not get along with her sister, or she may feel jealous and ask 'why was I given away?'

Given that you don't know the main protagonists (your sister and her first daughter) want to meet, I think throwing this information in for your niece's benefit is wrong, although I hate secrets too and would try to persuade your sister to think about telling her/being open to contact herself.

Sorry it's taken me so long to post again. Am working.

Thank you all so much for everything you have said and, in particular, that so much care and thought has been expressed by you all about the effects all this could have on my sister. It is care of her and the effects on her that have enabled me to keep this secret in the years since I found out.

I have been concerned about the effects on my sister since the first day I found out about this. I found out just after the death of my father but just before the death of my mother and so, both at that time and a little since, was able to get some detail. My sister was just fourteen when she became pregnant to a much much older man (I don't actually know how he managed to get her alone, our parents were always around, quite old fashioned and my sister very shy, didn't go out or anything).

As far as I gather, neither she nor my parents knew she was pregnant until just a few weeks before the baby was born. My parents weren't bad people old fashioned, as said and I have no doubt they thought they were helping her, but it all seems unthinkable.

As soon as they found out she was pregnant, they booked her into one of those 'private' clinics where she stayed until she gave birth. [I was too young to know of any of this, or be suspicious in any way, though I do think I have some recollection of being told she was 'away to camp']. Once she had given birth, she saw the baby only once (she has since told me this), before it was 'taken away' for adoption. My parents signed the adoption papers.

I think my sister then lived a very quiet, studious, almost reclusive life for years, until she met my niece's father. She met and married him within a couple of months and was pregnant with my niece within a month of the wedding.

So you see, yes, I do know that this is not 'my' secret to tell and I am very very aware that this is incredibly hard for my sister to talk about, think about, or ever tell her dear daughter about. She has talked to me, a little bit in the past, about the enormous guilt she feels and also about the 'grief'. She has said she will never 'tell'; also she fears that both the adopted 'child' and my niece in turn would hate her. Beyond that tiny bit, she won't discuss it with me.

I know, as certainly as anyone can do, that my niece would want to know. I think she has a right to know. I would do anything for my niece and hate 'lying' to her by omission, but I'd do anything for my sister too and do see that it very clearly isn't my 'secret' and I shouldn't be the one to tell. I'm stuck.

Thank you, everyone, for being so kind about this.

LongLostSister thank you so much for giving me the 'sibling' point of view.

When I read your post I clearly saw that one of the possible outcomes (of my niece being told) was that she might not only not have a sibling but could 'loose' everyone she has, if relationships broke down that badly.

That is the scariest thought I've had in all this.

I am so happy for you that you and your brother have each other and thank you for telling me.

OP, I am reading your post thinking that your DN is pretty young still and that your sister has told no one, not even her DH.

Is this correct?

Also, your mention of an older man and the age of your sister points to child abuse. No wonder your sister is distressed.

Please be careful.

I was all set to say tell, but really it is so difficult as telling and not telling both have their merits. If I had a gun to my head I would say talk to your sister and say would she like to be able to tell if she had the right advice and support.

The fact her was an older man has to be separated from the tell or not decision really. Your sister might have felt she was in love with him and it shouldn't be assumed the pregnancy was a result of rape (though obviously legally it was if she was 14.)

Feeling alone and having no family can be such a sad state to be in.

Should your sister die before you and your niece would you tell your niece then?

My niece is a young, single adult FrequentFlyerRandomDent. My sister is divorced from her exH and there has been no contact for many years (my niece's father), but no, my sister never did tell him about the adopted baby (nor did she ever tell anyone else).

Re your point about child abuse, I agree! I do so agree, but I don't know all the circumstances surrounding that and the decisions that were made.

Just one of the many reasons I feel so protective of my sister and am so torn in two by this.

MissStrawberry Yes, if my sister should die before me or my niece, I would tell my niece.

I would also try my very hardest to explain to my niece that my sister made her decision (not to tell) out of love and fear, but yes, I would tell then.

I would say not to. It's not your secret to tell.

Also, your niece won't be able to do anything. Unless the adopted sibling decides to look for your sister there is very little chance of your niece ever finding them. What would be the point of telling her only for her to have possibly years of searching ahead of her?