Not my bombshell to drop (sorry, long)

[TheGoodAunt]

I have a sister who has a grown up daughter and, although they both now live in a different country to me, we are all still close and talk every week or so.
Other than a few distant cousins we don't have any other relatives, and so the family relationships are understandably very important to my niece.

My sister is divorced from my niece's father who went on to re-marry and, although through the years he has chosen to have no contact, my niece has remarked on more than one occasion that she would have been very happy if he'd gone on to have more children, then at least she would have had (half) siblings. He didn't have any other family.

My niece is a great girl, leads a very full life, has lots of friends and sees her mother regularly, but I know for sure that she sometimes feels sadness at the 'lack' of relatives in her life and is a bit phased by the 'smallness' of our family.

Knowing this, I find the secret I keep have carried for years almost too hard to bear. It is not 'my' secret.

When she was just fifteen my sister had a child which was given up for adoption. This was arranged by my parents and no one ever knew. Six years later my sister had re-built her life, married, had my niece and still no-one knew (so not such a big age gap). It was only around the time of the death of my parents that I found out by accident.

I have spoken with my sister about this and tried to support her in every way I can. Obviously she will always grieve for the baby she gave up, but she has built a stable life and has a very good relationship with her daughter, my niece.
She does not want to tell my niece nor does she want my niece to be told that my niece has a (half) sibling somewhere in the world. She will not consider it, won't discuss it and becomes distraught if I try and get her to at least consider talking this through with someone.
I am worried that if I push too hard this would tear my sister apart.

That should be the end to the matter. It is not my secret to tell. But even so, it is a secret that I have to carry too. A secret I have to keep from my lovely niece.

I believe my sister has got a right to keep her secret and not be subject to pressure from me or anyone else.

BUT

I equally believe my niece has got a right to know that she actually has got the longed for sibling somewhere.

I think about this every day. Is there an answer.

You're clearly a lovely person GoodAunt, I still think you're niece should know, at least a some point. But I can completely understand your dilemma. I think If it were me, I would possibly try talking to your sister again perhaps. The fact that she worries that her child she adopted out will hate her, seems to show, she thinks and worries about them.
I dunno.
What a difficult situation. Again Good Luck.

I think I do have to talk to my sister again overture. Even if she won't agree to telling my niece, I would feel a zillion percent better about everything if she would agree to at least talking through her story with some benign third party. A counselor or adoption group. Something.

I have to admit, I would like my niece to know. I do see that I shouldn't tell her, but I think I should try to support and encourage my sister (over however many years it takes) in the hope that she will eventually be able to tell her. Hopefully sooner rather than later, so that we are all around and hale and hearty to help and support each other, and to try to build however many bridges it takes.

I also have to admit, I do hope that my sister and niece will at some point decide to try and find the adopted 'child'.
It could only ever be that way, you see. I have done a bit of research in the time I have had this secret and I found that the adopted 'child' would never be able to find my sister or niece. You see (I am so ashamed to admit this, I promise they weren't bad people, they couldn't have known what they were doing) my parents lied about enough detail on the birth registration and documentation, in such a way that the 'trail' is sufficiently muddled, and my sister is not traceable.

The last thing I've got to admit is, I do so hope something happens and that the three of us (at least) talk about it.
This person is my family, too.

"couldn't have known what they were doing."

I am sorry but it is clear they knew exactly what they were doing as they didn't want anyone to be able to trace them.

I really hope it works out but the child could know nothing and be happy and settled and not welcome this bombshell.

Oh geez GA :(
I'm sure your parent were good, but my goodness that's so sad :(
I would make that a point in your conversion with your sister. What if her child is looking for her now?

You're very wise and I think a 3rd party would be brilliant if she is willing at some point. I'm sure she is scared, but she has you and your niece, who I doubt your niece could hate her mum from how you describe her.

I can understand when you say that person is your family too.

Just to share....
My grandfather had an relationship with a woman during WW2 whilst in Italy. My grandfather and grandmother had not yet married (dating) at that point. My grandmother was so angry once they married and had children, she named my aunt after this woman so he'd never forget what he'd done.
The saddest bit, is this Italian woman bore a son from this relationship/affair. (I don't know that she even knew of my grandmother). I have an Uncle, and probably cousins I will never get to meet ever.... Noone will speak for this secret and it just carries on.... :( Breaks my heart.

Wish you lots of luck and hope things go well when you to talk to your sister.

Oh l am that baby that was put up or adoption. My Aunt and Uncle knew and as my birth mum was dying tried to persuade her to tell my brother about my existance. She didn't. !!!
My Aunt and Uncle felt it wasn't their secret to tell so kept quiet.

Fast forward 8 years and l "found" my DB on genes reunited. All good he was delighted to have a sister.
However
he was very upset that his DM hadn't told him. He wondered if she didn't trust him enough to tell or was she scared about his reaction..whatever her reason was he will never know. That is a shame.
I felt guilty that my quest to fing my birth family has in some way spoiled my DB's memory of his mum.
For that reason alone l would try to persuade your Sister to speak to her daughter.

Don't think your DN would be able to search for her older sibling, even if she wanted to: think the rules are that only the person who is adopted can seek out their biological parents/family, not the other way round?

yes Dozer you are right. But if the niece wanted to she could contact an organisation which holds the contact numbers of both adoptees and birth families and matches them up if they are seeking contact.

Thank you for answering my question goodaunt I was imagining a child for some reason.

I think supporting your sister as you are doing is a great approach. Would she be open to counselling? Telling and how to tell may be easier to discuss with a neutral person rather than a family member.

Thank you so much, everyone.

I am sorry overture that you didn't ever get to meet your uncle, nor know of any Italian cousins you might have. I hope that your family will one day open up and talk of all this.

Thank you for sharing that Doha, it is so lovely that (in the midst of all the emotion you must feel and the effects there must have been on you) you are clearly concerned about the ongoing effects on your brother. I know he and you both will have had a lot to deal with, but he is lucky to have you.
Your post makes me even more determined to try again to speak to my sister and try to encourage her to at the very least talk to people who will understand.

I know my sister and niece would not be allowed to search for my sister's adopted 'child', but I do know that they could do an awful lot to straighten out that muddled trail that was left, in case they are in turn being searched for.

Thank you all. This has helped a lot.

You're niece is lucky to have such a kind and caring Aunt. I hope all will go well when the time comes to talk to you sister.
I hope for all of you one day you will get to meet your other family member, and will all will go exactly as you hope.

Hm. I have been in the position of your niece (except as it turned out my father was secretly in contact with my half-sister, which was emotionally a lot harder).

As posters said above - part of the sibling experience is growing up together and having a shared history. I don't have that with my sister - we have very little in common and I can't say knowing about her and meeting her has really brought anything positive to my life, to be honest. She lives in another country, has had a totally different kind of life and we have very little in common. The only real effect knowing about it has had has been to utterly mangle my relationship with my father.

As it is, the adopted child is in another country, won't be able to trace them anyway and quite possibly doesn't want to. I think I would reluctantly say don't tell your niece. If you do you will certainly lose you relationship with your sister, your niece and her mum's relationship may be damaged and your relationship with your niece may be damaged. She might resent you for telling, or for not having told in the past. Personally I wish I had never been told.

I would however talk to your sister about straightening out her details on the documentation in case her child wants to trace her. I would encourage your sister to work through her feelings about the adoption in the hope that one day she will tell her DD herself.

A longed for sibling is not the same as an adult stranger with shared DNA. Her reaction might be very very different to how you think she might feel.

This will be long. I apologise in advance. I was reading this thread earlier and wanted to wait a while to reply.

OP, your thread title was right, it's not your bombshell to drop.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's none of your business. Nor (IMO - and I'll explain why in a bit) is it any business of your niece.

I don't want to go into much detail but basically, I know my mum has things in her past that she hasn't told me. This is from things hinted at by family members.

This is HER business. Not mine. If she wants to talk to me, she can. I wouldn't judge, I wouldn't question her unless she wanted to talk about it.

The child that was adopted was not your child. It was not your niece's child.

The baby was your sister's child and it is up to her if she wishes to trace the child, or if she wants her daughter to trace the child.

I really do not think your niece has any right to know about a half sibling.

Pushing this could wreck your relationship with your sister. She clearly does not want to go there. Bringing this up is clearly causing her pain.

You really need to step back and refer to your OP. It is NOT your bombshell to drop.

Please do not keep bringing it up with your sister if it is causing her distress. It's not fair.

You said yourself ^She does not want to tell my niece nor does she want my niece to be told that my niece has a (half) sibling somewhere in the world. She will not consider it, won't discuss it and becomes distraught if I try and get her to at least consider talking this through with someone.
I am worried that if I push too hard this would tear my sister apart.^

Please step back and leave this alone. It is not your business.

You are in such a difficult position op, but I do believe your niece has the right to know. It will hurt her do much to find out once your sister has passed away or on her deathbed.

I know people are saying that it is your sister's secret, but once she had her daughter then it is more than just about her IMO.

My DH has a situation where there is a potential explosive situation in his family. The mad thing is that FIL wants to investigate but wants to keep it secret from MIL. The situation would affect DH and he has said that if anyone else knew and kept it from him, he would not speak to them again. Probably not really helpful to you, but just trying to indicate the depth of anger that might come from your niece if she finds out that it was kept from her.

Maybe you could see if your sister would talk to a counsellor. I think the best outcome would be if you sister could be persuaded to tell her daughter herself.

Best of luck xx

A question OP - do you have children yourself?

I've just read this thread to my DP who is adopted. He does have half siblings, he has no interest in finding them, they may share blood but to him they are not relatives.

He says you have no right to tell your niece about this. And equally your niece has no right to know about the child your sister had adopted.

It really is not your secret to tell. I would also recommend not talking to your sister about it again or pressuring her in any way (even in the most gentle and loving way). Your poor sister went through so much as a young teenager and it sounds as though the memories are a source of extreme pain for her (not surprisingly). If she wants to discuss this subject with you, I think she should be the one to bring it up. And if she doesn't want her daughter to know, her feelings should be honored, IMO.

I really feel this is absolutely none of your business and you should back off.
Sorry for being so blunt but I actually feel you must have your own agenda and to hell with the fallout that would affect your sister and neice.

This is not your secret to tell.

And in response to:
"I have to admit, I would like my niece to know. I do see that I shouldn't tell her, but I think I should try to support and encourage my sister (over however many years it takes) in the hope that she will eventually be able to tell her."

1. That's about what you want
2. "encourage" is not synonymous with "support" - if you really want to support your sister respect her wishes and be there to listen to her, without judgement, if she wants to talk. You asked in your original post if there is an answer - this is it.
3. If you insist on pursuing this it will almost certainly ruin your relationship with your sister, quite possibly ruin her relationship with her daughter and your relationship with your niece.

Yes, this is a very big secret and yes, it's difficult for you to keep it to yourself and I wouldn't wish to be in your position - however, this really is not about you, or your niece, or the adopted child. It's about your sister.

Sorry not to have replied to these last few posts till now, but I'm working odd hours this week, and didn't want to now let things fizzle out without replying to you..

It remains such a difficult issue in my mind, and opinion is very divided, but it really has helped to hear everyone's views. Thanks for sharing with me about your mum WetDog, she has a caring and loyal daughter in you, and I do understand where you (and others) are coming from when you say it's not my business nor my niece's business and that you think my niece has no right to know that she has a half sibling.

I do have to admit that I disagree with that, though. I still think my niece has got a right to know BUT I also see that my sister has the right to decide if her daughter be told! Takes me right back to my original 'internal struggle' ! Oh dear, I'm awfully good at sitting on the fence.

A question OP - do you have children yourself? Yes, I do, (much younger than my niece), but I think I would feel the same way about this, even if I didn't.

I do see that people can only speak from their own point of view and so of course you are right DancingBean when you say, above, "1. That's about what you want" and that, yes, 'encourage' is not synonymous with 'support' and I will try to keep that in mind, but nor are they mutually exclusive.

Of course it is okay to be blunt lookingfoxy (I would be an idiot to post on a public forum and not be prepared to take the rough with the smooth ) and at first when I read your post I thought 'No'! 'No way have I got my own agenda! Then I tried to look at from another angle (sort of, there has always got to be some sort of agenda for people to act, kind of thing) so I can see that yes, I must have one. I'm no different to anyone else!
I'm just not sure what my agenda is. Certainly, what I said in my OP and since, "I equally believe my niece has got a right to know". That is true and so is a big, big part of it. Huge. I've tried to think what else. What my personal non-altruistic un-sugared agenda is.
I think it must be that I have to carry this secret at all! In my mind there are good secrets and bad secret (yes, childish, I know) and this is a bad one. Yet I have to keep it. That effects me, too, and not in a good way.
So you could well be right lookingfoxy maybe I do have an agenda. Maybe that's it. I don't know. But never, never, ever, ever, is "to hell with the fallout that would affect your sister and niece" in any way right.

So I'm still sitting on the fence ! I think, as I said in my last post, I will still plan on speaking to my sister and trying to encourage her to at the very least talk to people who will understand.

I will wait to do this. I should have made it clear in earlier posts, that on the occasions I've spoken to my sister about this and tried to support her, it has (with one exception) been her that's brought it up. I think it periodically and painfully spills out of her, but (maybe having let it loose) she quickly becomes agitated and wants to close the subject.

For now, I'll wait till the next time.

I found out about my sister a year after my mum died (2008). I'm still heartbroken that for whatever reason she couldn't tell me. It has turned the (close) relationship I thought we had on it's head. I feel betrayed - especially as from about 1980 - 1995 they'd been in contact - my sister had even stayed in my bedroom with her kids while I was at University.

So many questions. Why didn't she tell me? Did she not want to burst the bubble, the pretence that I was her only child, my dd her first grandchild? Did she think I'd think less of her? What was she trying to protect me from?

Also I would have loved to meet my sister and nieces in 1980. My mum moved to my city to be closer to me and chose to drift apart from my sister. How could she do that? I'm still fucking angry with her if truth be told.

I'm not sure if my story helps at all, it's just a different perspective. I wish you luck, you're a very caring sister.