What to do?

[SussexBelle]

I'm in my late 40's. I have a 10 year old with cerebral palsy. She doesn't see much of her dad (my ex). I met a man 8 years ago and we've been married since 2008. It took us ages to commit to each other as we'd both been divorced, when we met.

We are mostly good together. We've had our difficulties one of them being, one of his adult daughters doesn't like me and won't visit us together, will only visit him alone, if I'm out. His other daughter is fine and I like her a lot.

A month ago, we rowed about my daughter. She can be difficult to deal with at times and my DH was annoyed and reduced dd to tears. I'm in the middle. He's usually a great step dad but recently, I can see, he's not happy. He works away a lot on a week on week off contract and I don't work having tried to get a job that fitted around school and his job. Even cleaning jobs are early mornings/late evenings/after school when I have to be home, for dd who will never be independent. I did work for 25 years, doing shifts. I'm not afraid of hard work. I'm not lazy. I call housework my "office" ie, DH isn't allowed to wash/iron etc. he works hard enough IMO.

Last week, he accused me of using him. I've found it hard to be the "same" with him since the incident with dd. Consequently, our "love life" has tailed off as I have no idea what will become of dd and I if he wants to end the relationship and things have to be "right" for me to be physical with anyone. I have two brothers who have their own family problems and redundancy going on, so can't talk to/live with family. I also don't want to put dd through the upheaval of change for the second time in her young and so far, difficult life.

He's away (working) this week. No contact but then I haven't contacted him.

I'm not sure what to do. I hate that we, dd and I, are a burden to him. But clearly, he's feeling used. I had an interview after Easter for a little part time job but it involved weekend work and I can't expect DH to cope with dd, in my absence.

I'm very aware that he had a good life before we came. I have so little to offer him. His daughter hates me for taking dad "away" (she's 21) which doesn't make sense as his ex had an affair and remarried, before he and I even met.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I don't think its fair that he's saying he feels he's being used. He married you knowing your DD has CP. He must know and see the amount of responsibilities that requires.

As you said you both came from both having a past life and it seems to me, you both took your time committing so he had a lot of time to decide if he didn't want to settle down again, but he did. So that means something. :) He may just be going through a bad patch.

Please don't say he had a good life before you both came, he chose to marry you!!

His DD issues have a lot less to do with you, I would venture to say its more about her Father.

Have you thought about relate or some form of marriage counseling?
Have to talked to him about how he is making you feel?

Thank you for replying.

The thing is, I get exhausted with my daughter. Though, obviously, she isn't the reason we're not getting on. I feel guilty because he sees so little of his own daughter (and yes, it really IS about me) but he's supported me in that situation as he has stated I did nothing wrong and it is his dd who refuses to acknowledge me. I just wanted us all to get on really, as I felt my own daughter was getting to be part of a family (I only have one child).

I feel guilty that I don't contribute financially though I did put every penny of my divorce settlement into his house (now, our house) because it was the right thing to do. I also have various allowances for my daughter which go into the household account (though, it is used for her). Sometimes, DH gets annoyed with me because I buy dd stuff she likes with her DLA but the thing is, she has a small life and can't make friends so, it's just her and me and now, DH, obviously. I take money from our joint account but get receipts for everything so that DH knows what the bills amount to exactly. My Carer's Allowance also goes straight into the joint account. Whilst I can buy whatever I need, I have no money of my own as it were so, I'm very aware of not abusing his hard work and generosity.

I'm absolutely devastated though, that he could accused me basically of leeching off him. He said that all he is to me is a money machine.

I think that is so unfair. First, you put everything you had into your joint home and you put all the allowances you receive into the joint account. Secondly, you are doing all the housework - stop and think for a moment about how he would cope if he had to do all the cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry, household management? So you MUST STOP thinking that you are not making a fair contribution.

As overture said, he's been with you a long time - what is different now that your daughter is more of a burden than she was?

I think he realises, she's for life. His own 2 are grown ups. He's all but lost one, because of me. This daughter has stated as much. There's no "we're not sure why she dislikes "Belle". She does. She has said so, many times and objects strongly to her sister visiting us. That is one 'mess'. Also, it must be hard for him because he has to care for MY dd and never sees his own because she dislikes me.

Also, I just get the impression he looks at the pair of us and thinks "they're just not worth the hassle". I hate it when my dd has overheard us argue. Her first question to me is "are we going to leave?" Followed by "I don't want to leave".

I did the garden recently and pulled up stuff that was past its best and weeded and it took me hours. He watched TV. That's fine. He doesn't "do" the garden, it's part of my "to do" list. Then, in this arguement I was told in no uncertain terms that he had had to empty the dishwasher twice in one day, after he'd cooked tea. He does like to cook at the weekend, cause cooking isn't one of my talents.

I had no idea he had thought so deeply about it and was keeping a tally.

Has he changed in any other ways recently? It seems a bit odd that he is suddenly resentful of these things, when previously it was OK.

You have very genuine and fair reasons for not being able to work, you put all the benefits that your DD gets into the pot, you do all of the work at home because that is your job as you see it. You put your money into the house.

Is he having trouble at work, or really hate to say it, but is there anybody else? My XH became resentful of everything once he started communicating with OW.

I can see how upsetting it must be for him that his daughter won't see him because of you, and you obviously feel really guilty about that - but you say he's always supported you about that, so is that really the issue for him, or are you just heaping more blame on yourself?

I'm not going to comment on his lack of housework - we all do our own 'deals' - but I think you need to get this out in the open with him. You can work something out about emptying the dishwasher (!) if that's really such a big problem for him, but obviously your daughter is non-negotiable, and unless he's prepared to look after her, you can't go out to work, which means that, yes, he's the financial provider. And, yes, maybe he doesn't feel that's fair, but has he got any sensible suggestions for how to change things? And if not, would he really prefer to be on his own?

Or is he just feeling sorry for himself?

MrsBodger you are right. It's not really about the dishwasher but he has told me once before that he feels he puts a lot in, for little in return. He immediately took that statement back but I think, underneath all the good bits, he's annoyed that I questioned him, making dd cry. Sometimes, he's right (and stronger with dd than I can be, because I'm her mum) but sometimes IMO, he's just too severe and I ended up in tears as well last month because dd kept looking for me to help and I was trying to, as best I could whilst not offending DH but calming dd. it backfired and I told DH, his belittling of dd was out of order. We didn't speak for 2 days. DH does the cold shoulder bit and I usually try to jolly him along and make the first move in reconciliation. But this time, I didn't. Needless to say, there were no nuptials on offer (from me) and that upset him. I awoke one of the days to find him stroking my backside (I was sleeping face down) and can I be explicit? Well, seeing to his own needs, lets say. I told him later that day, that that too was unacceptable.
Now, with the bloody emptying the dishwasher and I see him as a meal ticket.....

He is absolutely NOT the type for affairs. That's not to say he's not capable of "looking" and wondering how in hell, he got lumbered with me and my daughter.

Oh, and Sky. No, no trouble at work beyond it being hard work mentally. Good pay (hence, we manage on one income, as such) but long hours and lots of travel.

That all makes a lot of sense - I sometimes feel I'm a bit of a buffer zone between my DH and the children, and I don't think it's unusual. But if he's overstepped the mark, you have to stand your ground for her sake.

And he isn't 'lumbered' - he's in a longterm relationship with someone who loves and appreciates him. That doesn't grow on trees.

Can you have a calm conversation with him when he's back home, when your daughter isn't around? And keep remembering, you are not a burden, it's a partnership.

You do need to talk to him.

I hate to think that there is OW, but my XH was absolutely not the type either. He was the last man on earth that you would have thought would have betrayed me. He was very insecure with women, but this one made him feel good, like he was wonderful, and things at home were stressed, and he walked away from his family, after coming up with loads of silly excuses, like we were always out and never home, or the house being untidy, when it was no different to how it had always been.

There doesn't always have to be OW, but it just concerned me that your H was suddenly unhappy with things that he had previously not been concerned with. I hate it when people always shout OW, but it just rang some alarm bells. I really hope that it isn't.

You need to discuss with him rationally,

1. What exactly he is unhappy with
2. What can be done by both of you to change things
3. He needs to accept your DDs illness and the fact that you are unable to work
4. That jerking off while stroking your ass, is not really acceptable to you.... (OK, you have already done that, but he does need to really understand that its not ok).
5. discuss your finances, is he in debt,
6. discuss his job, is he unhappy, can he cut his hours?

No, doesn't want to cut hours. Enjoys his job. He's in a directorial role and being groomed for the top job. He has a lot of respect and very good feedback, from colleagues and his (one) boss. He is a person who enjoys praise and has high standards. He sometimes runs a finger over my dusting and I know, my standards are lacking!

No, we have no debts and are comfortable (very lucky) financially.

well if you know everything for certain and are certain that he is happy with everything else in his life, then I am not sure what you can talk about, other than the way he treats you and your daughter.

Belle,

I'm going to say it, he is being very EA :(

My heart breaks for you, You are doing so much, looking after your DD who has CB is a lot, but keeping house, and the garden. That is beyond a full time job. And you are cowering to him.

You are an amazing woman!! What you are doing day in and day out is nothing short of amazing. He sounds so selfish, he has made you to feel you are worthless and don't belong. Reading how he is treating you is actually starting to piss me off for you.
He is suppose to be your husband and partner. Not make you feel as you're describing.

Do you have any RL close friends to talk to. I dunno what to suggest, as you seem to love and want to be with someone who seems to only want to bring you down.

Maybe call and talk to Refuge, it definitely sounds to me EA, but they would know better.

Tons of positive thoughts for you.

I don't know much about EA, but running his finger over your dusting? Please tell me you are joking.

I realise you want to save your marriage, for your daughter's sake and for your own, but he sounds like a bully. And it sounds to me as if you've accepted the bullying for a while when it was all directed at you, because you felt so grateful to him for 'lumbering' himself with you and your daughter, but now he's started to direct it towards her.

I really feel for you, but I think you are going to have to go against all your instincts of making allowances for him, putting other people first, being grateful for all he does and making little of your own hard work, and stand your ground.

You are doing everything you can and putting everything you can into this marriage, but your daughter's welfare has to come first. Can you see that? Because you are going to have make him see it.

You seem like a lovely person, very kind, considerate, and generous, but you can be all those things and still stand up for what you know is right.

Yes, I have friends but everyone was so happy for me when I met DH that it's hard to tell all. Ill have to admit, all is not well and he can be if not cruel then certainly, unkind.

Thing is, if I wasn't here, he'd get his daughter back and meet someone more in his own league, as it were. He can be so loving and generous and any disabled child is a big big ask, of a person who isnt their bio parent. DD's own dad left when she was 2 and we were alone for a long time. as i say, dh can be utterly wonderful but when crossed or if I have a genuine issue, he reverts to the coldest, punishing person I've ever been in a relationship with. No one's perfect, I know.

I sound like a right sap, don't I? I'm quite hard to live with at times I suppose but I really dislike having accusations made about me, which aren't true. I have plenty of faults. Being a gold digger, taking people for granted, using people for what I can get, aren't on the list. I don't know a single person close to me, who knows me, who would describe me so. His daughter accused me of being (privately- when no one else was around) unkind to her. My friends can't believe I'm so very upset about this and think it is absurd. Frankly, I'm grateful for any kindness coming my and dd's way and would never ever have been unkind to his own dd when he was looking after me and mine.

I'm still upset by the unfairness of it all.

All I can offer is my own experience and sadly when my DH started picking fault etc there was an OW. He said I only loved his wallet and thought more of my horses than I did of him....

And if you'd asked prior to that I would've said that he was not the type either....

Its not as though you and your daughter have changed is it. You were always you and she was always your lovely DD.

I hate to shout OW but if you have no other stresses then I'm not sure tbh. I would also say that if there is OW then there is no point asking him, as unless u have some and I hate to say it evidence, I'm afraid he will just deny it.

So sorry you're going through this

Well, TBH, the only stresses we've had are the constant vitriol of his daughter and the endless difficulties with my own daughter's condition which can at times bring me to despair. Dd breaks my heart and all I wanted from a second marriage which took me years to commit to, was kindness. The man has a great sense of humour, works hard, pays for everything but his unkindness is a deal breaker, for me.

Thanks for all the kind thoughts.

I should say "occasional" but deep, deep unkindness.

Belle,

"Thing is, if I wasn't here, he'd get his daughter back and meet someone more in his own league, as it were."

You must not think or say things like this. TBH I think no matter who he'd married, his daughter would take aversion to. You've nothing to do with his previous marriage at all. Her issues are nothing to do with you. She is angry that much is clear, but you've done nothing to deserve that anger.

Someone in his own league?? He chose to marry you! You both took your time from what you said.... You didn't force any of this on him, he is an adult, and so were you and knew what each other brought to the relationship. :( I so wish you'd stop beating yourself up, he wanted to be with you.

No a sap, but someone who has been beat down emotionally when you already have so much to deal with.

Reading the names he's called you just makes it more clear how horrible he is. I know you care for him, but that and the comments above about money and how you have to save receipts ........If this was your DD in this situation and she was telling you she had a DP treating her like this what would you say??

I only say that, because its clear how much you love you DD and you don't seem to see what he is doing is so wrong. Please consider calling Refuge and just having a chat them and bring up the money issues and the name calling, and just everything you've described

As for his daughter again on the 2nd post, she has issues. I wouldn't worry about her atm. You need to focus on you, and your DD.

Noone is perfect fair enough, but no one who truly loves their DP would be so cold and punish someone the should be there to protect, love and share their life with.

I know I've probably not said much to help. But My thoughts are with you as are my hopes that you will see yourself in a better light, you deserve so much better.

Overture you HAVE helped, simply (along with others) in taking time to reply.

I need to do some serious thinking.

Belle - I hope that you are OK. Just keep an open mind for now, so that you are not blindsided by anything.... he doesn't sound like a very nice man, but I understand that people put up with things rather than be on their own. I have done that in the past.

I hope that you can think about this and think about what you need to discuss with your H, in order for you to be able to sort things out

Morning.

I am cross, this morning. No contact, at all all week. I (and by association, dd) appear to be being punished with silence. I'm not sure, this time (genuinely) what for but, the man that I love seems to think its ok to have me at home, worrying how long, this time, it will be before contact is made. How long before normal services will resume. What I did this time, that has prompted him disappearing off the face of the earth again.

I am not sure how long my indignation will last. I think it is justified. I have no idea if he will come home, at the end of the week, if he will leave, if he will ask me to leave, if I will have to cope with the fallout for dd and her distress, if we will go to a family thing together this weekend that, has been long arranged and looked forward to, if he will forgive his own daughter for her ill treatment of me because I am the unworthy person she has suggested and its therefore ok to treat me with disdain and disrespect.

Or if all will be ok til the next time I (unwittingly) say something Which offends him. Or dd behaves "badly".

If. Little word. Stomach churning effect which strikes fear in me and makes me wonder if I have the strength to walk away from this.

I was wondering how you would have the strength to live with it. OP, this man is being horrible to you and your dd and you sound lovely. How long do you think you can put up with this? Do you honestly think things will get better - that he'll suddenly stop thinking you're a gold-digger, or testing your surfaces for dust?

This man you 'love' doesn't exist any more. I'm so sorry x

I'm not surprised you're cross. Your indignation is completely justified. He is being very unfair and very unkind.

I can understand why your stomach is churning too - personally I hate confrontation and will go to almost any lengths to avoid! But it seems to me it's your only chance of saving the situation. The only other options are to continue putting up with this or leaving. You don't want your daughter to suffer from a family break-up, but equally you don't want her to have to live with someone who is 'too severe' and 'belittles' her (your words). For her sake, and for your own self-respect, you need to have this out with him.

And try to find strength by remembering he stands to lose a lot as well. You think (or perhaps over 8 years he's managed to make you think) that you are an economic drain who contributes nothing, and that you're not 'in his league'. But surely if you did split up you would be entitled to a big share of the value of your home, so unless he's fantastically wealthy that would have a big impact on him. And if he is fantastically wealthy, I imagine any divorce settlement would give you a chunk of that too! And, as I said before, everything you do for him at home would be gone, plus he clearly still likes you enough to get cross if you won't have sex. Does he really want to let all that go?

Like Skye said yesterday, try to make a list of things you want him to explain/understand, so that you're ready when he does come home.

Lots of hugs.