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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What to do?

70 replies

SussexBelle · 04/06/2013 09:16

I'm in my late 40's. I have a 10 year old with cerebral palsy. She doesn't see much of her dad (my ex). I met a man 8 years ago and we've been married since 2008. It took us ages to commit to each other as we'd both been divorced, when we met.

We are mostly good together. We've had our difficulties one of them being, one of his adult daughters doesn't like me and won't visit us together, will only visit him alone, if I'm out. His other daughter is fine and I like her a lot.

A month ago, we rowed about my daughter. She can be difficult to deal with at times and my DH was annoyed and reduced dd to tears. I'm in the middle. He's usually a great step dad but recently, I can see, he's not happy. He works away a lot on a week on week off contract and I don't work having tried to get a job that fitted around school and his job. Even cleaning jobs are early mornings/late evenings/after school when I have to be home, for dd who will never be independent. I did work for 25 years, doing shifts. I'm not afraid of hard work. I'm not lazy. I call housework my "office" ie, DH isn't allowed to wash/iron etc. he works hard enough IMO.

Last week, he accused me of using him. I've found it hard to be the "same" with him since the incident with dd. Consequently, our "love life" has tailed off as I have no idea what will become of dd and I if he wants to end the relationship and things have to be "right" for me to be physical with anyone. I have two brothers who have their own family problems and redundancy going on, so can't talk to/live with family. I also don't want to put dd through the upheaval of change for the second time in her young and so far, difficult life.

He's away (working) this week. No contact but then I haven't contacted him.

I'm not sure what to do. I hate that we, dd and I, are a burden to him. But clearly, he's feeling used. I had an interview after Easter for a little part time job but it involved weekend work and I can't expect DH to cope with dd, in my absence.

I'm very aware that he had a good life before we came. I have so little to offer him. His daughter hates me for taking dad "away" (she's 21) which doesn't make sense as his ex had an affair and remarried, before he and I even met.

OP posts:

Selba · 06/06/2013 21:06

Belle, your thread made me very sad.
You sound like a kind and gentle person.
Does your dd require round the clock care?

delilahlilah · 06/06/2013 22:43

Belle - you sound like you are trying to justify a hair cut, you don't need to justify it to anyone. I worry that you feel that you have to do this. You are his equal. You put a lot in to this relationship, and he is lucky to have you.
I would suggest that you compare your money to a wage, and a percantage of it should be for you to spend in any way you choose. He doesn't defer to you when he wants a hair cut / new clothes / toiletries does he?

Original poster

SussexBelle · 06/06/2013 22:54

Delilah no, he doesn't defer to me and neither does he begrudge me stuff but..... Then, he throws it at me, in an argument. It's SO confusing.

Selba my dd is in many ways, very bright but, she will never be independent and I have to watch her constantly. She was diagnosed last year with OCD which came like a bolt from the blue. In that sense, when she isn't at school, it IS "round the clock" care.

I'm only contributing to this thread now, at whatever time, because even at 10, she is not fully settled for the night. That in itself shows how hard it is for me. And him. Dd's own dad left, as I say, when she was 2 yrs old. I think THAT'S why I feel it's SUCH a big ask, for any future partner.

OP posts:

DisAstrophe · 06/06/2013 23:18

Dear Belle

I have a child with ASD so I know how hard work a child with additional needs. I think it is ok for your dh to find it hard to cope with those needs. I find ds hard sometimes and he is my child. It would even be understandable (though sad, disappointing and not very noble) if he decided that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with you.

But what is completely and utterly unacceptable is for him to be such a total bastard about it. How dare he say you are a leech and be so cruel and unkind to you and a young child. I strongly suspect there is even worse behaviour than you have let on about towards the both of you at times - not just the comments and arguments.

Only a total shit would try to cheat you out of the money you are owed if you did split up. Surely any decent person would try to ensure that you and a child who has seen him as a father figure are well provided for even in a divorce.

Please take legal advice as soon as you can. Even if you decide to try and work it out you need to know where you stand.

Selba · 06/06/2013 23:48

Belle, thanks for clarifying.
Do you love him?
Does he love you?

When my little boy was 3 he said a wise thing
" mummy, sure you can tell if someone loves you. They don't even really need to say it. You can just tell"

Wombatsliketoast · 07/06/2013 00:32

Seek legal advice - I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by what you hear about the financial side of any future split.

MrsBodger · 07/06/2013 10:27

How are you today, Belle?

Original poster

SussexBelle · 07/06/2013 16:42

Hello Ladies, I'm ok thanks. DH home now. We haven't talked about anything. It's really strange as if no one wants to mention the elephant in the room.

I know we have to. I'm just picking my moment.

Thanks for thinking of me, all x

OP posts:

skyeskyeskye · 07/06/2013 18:50

good luck with the conversation.

aftermay · 07/06/2013 19:20

Belle, you come across as really lovely and loving. I hope you find more peace in your life.

DisAstrophe · 07/06/2013 23:48

Thinking of you Belle.

Selba · 08/06/2013 00:28

Agree, you seem like a loving caring person

FreyaKItty · 08/06/2013 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsBodger · 08/06/2013 13:36

Thinking of you. Hope things go well?

Branleuse · 08/06/2013 14:01

he thinks he is better than you.

he isnt.

Original poster

SussexBelle · 08/06/2013 20:57

Still not had "the conversation". He has wanted to, I'm scared of where it will end. That's the kind of coward I am.

However, I have looked at him this weekend in a different light. He may be better with someone else. I may be better alone, again.

Hoping you're all enjoying the sunshine. X

OP posts:

aftermay · 08/06/2013 22:20

Belle, how sad you think of yourself in those terms. You sound quite low mood. I hope the sunshine keeps for tomorrow and you'll find a way to discuss with your DH. You're not a coward. You're probably exhausted and confused.

overture · 08/06/2013 22:27

Hello Belle,

Agree with aftermay you're not a coward, perhaps go and reread your thread to gather your strength again. Get your thoughts together and when you're ready have a word with him.

We are always here, and there are so many wise ladies here to help if you need it.
Hope you and you dd had a lovely day and enjoy the sun too.

DisAstrophe · 09/06/2013 10:06

Sussex belle. Please get legal advice next week so you know what you would be entitled to if you split.

You will feel stronger when you know where you stand.

Your h and his dd sound toxic. You may be a whole new burst of life and energy when you are away from their poison.

MrsBodger · 10/06/2013 10:18

Hello, Belle - you're not a coward, you need to talk to him when you're feeling strong enough. Stop putting yourself down.

Hope you're feeling a bit better.

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