What to do?

[SussexBelle]

I'm in my late 40's. I have a 10 year old with cerebral palsy. She doesn't see much of her dad (my ex). I met a man 8 years ago and we've been married since 2008. It took us ages to commit to each other as we'd both been divorced, when we met.

We are mostly good together. We've had our difficulties one of them being, one of his adult daughters doesn't like me and won't visit us together, will only visit him alone, if I'm out. His other daughter is fine and I like her a lot.

A month ago, we rowed about my daughter. She can be difficult to deal with at times and my DH was annoyed and reduced dd to tears. I'm in the middle. He's usually a great step dad but recently, I can see, he's not happy. He works away a lot on a week on week off contract and I don't work having tried to get a job that fitted around school and his job. Even cleaning jobs are early mornings/late evenings/after school when I have to be home, for dd who will never be independent. I did work for 25 years, doing shifts. I'm not afraid of hard work. I'm not lazy. I call housework my "office" ie, DH isn't allowed to wash/iron etc. he works hard enough IMO.

Last week, he accused me of using him. I've found it hard to be the "same" with him since the incident with dd. Consequently, our "love life" has tailed off as I have no idea what will become of dd and I if he wants to end the relationship and things have to be "right" for me to be physical with anyone. I have two brothers who have their own family problems and redundancy going on, so can't talk to/live with family. I also don't want to put dd through the upheaval of change for the second time in her young and so far, difficult life.

He's away (working) this week. No contact but then I haven't contacted him.

I'm not sure what to do. I hate that we, dd and I, are a burden to him. But clearly, he's feeling used. I had an interview after Easter for a little part time job but it involved weekend work and I can't expect DH to cope with dd, in my absence.

I'm very aware that he had a good life before we came. I have so little to offer him. His daughter hates me for taking dad "away" (she's 21) which doesn't make sense as his ex had an affair and remarried, before he and I even met.

I always think it is sad when someone starts a thread about a relationship problem and only a few posts in ppl are calling for divorce. But there is something about text which provides clarity and, in your case, what you have written tells a very sad story of you being so giving and loving, and your dh being utterly unreasonable.

Name calling, tight financial control, running a finger over the dusting?!

But more than any of this, what struck me was your reference to him as your dh and her as your dd as of there were no relationship between them. You have been together for most of her life, does it not seem that they are close at all?

I feel very sad for you as you sound like an extremely kind and generous person who has a lot to cope with.

What is it that he wants exactly? Is it important to him that you get a job? And if so, what does he suggest wrt care for your daughter?

What would make him feel better appreciated?

And finally, can you tell him how unhappy you feel and that his unkindness to dd is a deal breaker? Does he really want you to leave? Yes his dd may be pleased momentarily but presumably he will never be able to hook up with anyone else either.

When we had a huge confrontation over the daughter (his) over 2 years ago, he immediately prepared to organise my money (the amount I'd put into his mortgage) to be paid back to me so that dd and I could leave. For days, I frantically looked at where we could live, with so little deposit money and me, with no paid employment. I did have a mortgaged home for dd and I when I met him and lived there for the years DH and I went out. I only sold it and moved in with him when we married. The money from my previous property was not what I was hoping for, as the market downturn had begun and also, my ex husband had his 'share' to take. Solicitors fees. Divorce fees. Estate agent fees..... I was left with little. DH was very clear that, if I left this marriage, I would leave with only the cash I put in. As I say, it's not much.

Also, dd is in a special school and we are tied to the area for that reason so, I'd not be able to move closer to family, for support. I lived most of my 30's alone. My first marriage was brief and I was with my disabled dd for many years, alone. I really don't want to be alone again but know that his behaviour is unacceptable.

How did you resolve things that time? And do you thing they ever were truly resolved?

And is it right that you would be entitled to only the money you out into the house? Have you taken legal advice?

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

To be honest, your DH sounds like he doesn't understand that your DD is actually his step-daughter - he married you knowing you had a child with special needs. Has he never looked after your DD by himself before? In 5 years?? That's . He's her parent too now, she's not solely your responsibility.

And running a finger over your dusting? FFS, who does he think he is?

You need to sit down with him and have a proper discussion about what each of you expects from the other - preferably at a time when you're calm and your DD is in bed or at school. Perhaps you can salvage the relationship - he might just have been lashing out with his horrible comments to hurt you, and not meant any of it - but he needs to understand that this is emotional abuse and you won't tolerate it. You and DD would be better of alone rather than staying and putting up with this kind of attitude.

DH was very clear that, if I left this marriage, I would leave with only the cash I put in. As I say, it's not much.

It's not up to him. As you are married, you have rights over the marital money in the event of divorce.

DH was very clear that, if I left this marriage, I would leave with only the cash I put in. As I say, it's not much.

This is complete bollocks, you're actually entitled to a fair share of earnings/savings for the duration of the marriage. You've cooked, cleaned, tidied, washed and ironed for this man for 5 years, and are legally entitled to your share of the family money!

X-post with Pussycat!

you say - DH was very clear that, if I left this marriage, I would leave with only the cash I put in. As I say, it's not much

It doesnt matter what DH says, if your current property is owned 50/50, then that is how any sale proceeds would be split. I paid for a third of our property outright, but we owned it 50/50. Which means that XH could have walked away with my money... thankfully he did the decent thing and didnt take anything.... but that was my mistake for not owning the property 2/3 and 1/3....

My solicitor said that it doesnt matter who puts what in, if the property is owned jointly, then 50/50 split is the starting point.

Obviously your H would not have to maintain your daughter as she is not his.

I do think that you should get legal advice. I really hope that you can work things out, but you need to know where you stand, just in case...

Timing or what (sorry for frivolity, OP)

ImagineThat it was resolved last time, by me. Well, I had days on end of not speaking and him on the computer to the building society. I was a shadow of my former self by then and begged him to reconsider and that I'd try harder with his daughter and that I'd write to her (not with an apology....I had done nothing wrong) but kindly saying couldn't we just get on, that I understood it was hard for her and that she hadn't lost her dad etc etc. I sent the card but she never acknowledged it. Eventually, she came round and I tried to reassure her that all would be well and that dd and I would in no way alter her relationship with dad. My, that was 3 yrs ago now. We limped along with her visiting but she never looked at me and only spoke to me, if she had to. Referred to me as "her" and "precious Belle and her precious daughter". It was awful. Now, as I say, she refuses contact with me or dd and sees her dad separately.

If I hadn't been uncontrollably emotional and begged forgiveness, DH would have given my MY 1/4 share of his house price (the amount I'd put in) and I'd have been gone.

Apparently, my reconciliation card to his daughter wasn't welcome but had caused even more trouble as her mum, dh's ex, realised I was not only living with her ex husband but he'd had the affrontary to marry her.

No. Have never taken legal advice. If he found that I had, I'd be dropped so quickly, I'd barely have time to pack.

Morning Belle

So sad to read its only getting worse isn't. :(

My grandmother was subjected to this kind of treatment. After she passed and we found an old diary she'd kept. When we flipped through the pages of it we found an entire month and half with X on each day and a note saying (not speaking, mad) where my grandfather ignored her!! My heart sank for her.

She always fixed every meal for him and brought it on a tray for him to his chair. During really bad times he'd throw the tray down on the floor, if his tea wasn't right.
Although they stayed together for over 50 years she suffered many many years of this emotional and verbal abuse. He was never physically abusive. But I think the damage done to her was the same. She was the most lovely person you could imagine, and she tried so hard to please him all this life.
He did get much better toward her during the last 10-15 years of his life, but what a wait.
I hope you do not subject yourself to such a life, or at least try to convince your DH to take up counseling, or relate, if he refuses then maybe just for yourself just to get unbiased advice.
I know I've said it a couple times, but if you decide you can't bear anymore ring refuge.org.uk

I hope you DH will talk to you, and can discuss getting perhaps some marriage counseling, at the very least.
I'm really sorry you are going through this, and it's not getting better.
Thoughts to you.

No. Have never taken legal advice. If he found that I had, I'd be dropped so quickly, I'd barely have time to pack.

Which clearly demonstrates you need legal advice, imho. Do pop by the EA thread here which may provide additional food for thought.

you can get legal advice without him knowing.. make an appointment, dont write it down, and ask them not to send anything to the house. There is no way that he could find out then.

It sounds like you have done everything that you can as far as his "D"D is concerned. Stop pussyfooting around her, make it clear to your H that you cannot do any more to make things right, and that the problem is hers and not yours.

As far as he is concerned, he married you, he accepted you and your DD as a package, he chose to "take you on" and support you.

It is not acceptable for him to be checking for dust etc. This is not Victorian England any more...

Belle, I think they're right. Go quietly and get some proper advice for yourself. Then you will have a proper idea of what your situation would be if you did leave him, and you can try to discuss the future with him armed with that knowledge, rather than believing everything he says is right.

It sounds as if he thinks he did you a huge favour by marrying you whereas in fact you gave up a good secure position to throw your lot in with him. Agree with PP re quietly going to find out what your legal position is. How dare he threaten that if you have the effrontery to do this, he'll kick you out? It's a marriage, not a master-servant relationship!

belle but it wasn't resolved at all, was it? There was some papering over cracks but the issues remain unresolved.

These things don't fix themselves, they fester and re-emerge in more aggressive forms.

I think you need to take a two-pronged approach;

1. to attempt to resolve things properly through calm conversation and asking him to be absolutely honest about what he wants and how he thinks it can be achieved

1. to read up on EA, to seek legal advice and to believe that yes you absolutely can and will manage without him. There is no need for him to know, it can be done very discreetly.

I am not suggesting these are easy solutions, but I do think you can do it. Clearly you are a very capable person.

Do keep posting.

Hi belle I am sad for you that he is treating you this way. WRT his daughter - my guess at her problem is that her Mother has either said to her (or she has overheard her Mother say) things along the lines of her Father putting other things first / not paying enough attention to his family and that is why she had an affair / married someone else. Teenage daughter has interpreted this, for whatever reason, as Dad not loving her enough / not choosing her. I think she is still trying to make him 'choose' her / put her first ?? Is this a possibility. Is he critical with his daughters? * disclaimer - I know what I'm trying to say, but I'm not sure I have put it across well! *

Moving on to you and him, he is bullying you. I don't think you realise how much he has manipulated you. However, before you met him you were a strong and independent woman, bringing up your daughter single handedly. You can do this again. You will not lose if you leave. There is help and support out there. You should not need to provide receipts for your purchases, you should not be feeling intimidated and answerable to him. I believe 2 adults in a marriage should be equals. He is not treating you as his equal.

There is a lot of good advice here, please stay and make the most of it. If you can say you are truly happy, and in love with this man then maybe you have something to work with, but I don't think he is going to be willing to compromise or work on it.

Delilahlilah you are right, there is some wise advice on here, as well as lots of good thoughts and kindness being sent in my direction. Thanks so much ladies, assuming you are all ladies

I had a phone call a couple of hours ago from "abroad". DH has apologised for his behaviour. Normally, this would be enough for me to feel such relief that everything would be ok and dd and I would not be made homeless but I think DH was upset and disappointed by my reaction to his apology. What I said to him was that we need to talk and discuss what the issues are. We need to draw up some ground rules for when we next have a problem because his way of dealing with it (walking away and being incommunicado for days on end) which feels like a punishment, is NOT good for me. I do not want to feel that if I'm not "good" then I can be ignored and left.

I feel an unhealthy ambivalence toward him ATM that is totally and entirely out of character, for me. I guess it's because he is supposed to be my safe place and if the person residing with you, in the safe place, talks to you like shit, makes your child cry for no good reason, accuses you of things you would never do, accuses you of trying to disarm the situation and pacifying him because you have an ulterior motive (namely, to leech off him) and then excommunicates you..... I'm rambling now, it's late but...it's just not acceptable. Not.

ImagineThat I think you're right. His daughter was only ten when his marriage ended. She was doted on and was made even more precious (and I mean that in a good way) because she was so little. But, her mother has spent ten years being unhappy with the consequences of her actions and has accused DH of "abandoning" his own children and thinking more of me and my dd than his own flesh and blood. This, is total hogwash. DH does on both daughters. Nothing is too much trouble and he is very soft with them. I loved this about him when we met because I reasoned, if he so loved his own daughters and was 100% there for them, there was a good chance, he might love my own dd, over time. But, his daughter could not accept dad having anyone else in his life. It was a battle I was always going to lose and after a few years of torment, I gave up.

Have to go.

Night ladies and again, thank you.

DH dotes on both his daughters.

Morning, Belle, hope you had a good night.

I'm so glad he rang you - at least you're not in complete limbo. I'm glad too that you didn't just accept the apology and sweep everything under the carpet. That would have been a really easy thing to do, but you're right, it would just be going back to square one.

Everything you say about the situation with his daughter, it does seem as if you've done as much as anyone possibly could. I guess it's easier for her to make you the villain of the piece.

But what is the relationship between your husband and your daughter? Does he have any affection for her?

Your ambivalence is not unhealthy - could it be that your eyes are beginning to open?

Morning Belle,

How are you thing morning?

Just read your last post, Which was a nice read, seems you've found inner strength. :) I hope this strength continues. Glad you're realising you are not the person he's trying to convince you he thinks you should be. (Not sure that makes any sense)

I agree with the other ladies posts about his daughter, I've thought all along you were just an outlet for all her anger and frustration. Her anger and resentment were just too much when you'd done nothing to her.
I think she is jealous of her perceived view of you and your DD relationship with her father when its not even as good as she probably imagines it is.

I so happy you responded as you did to his phone call.
He comes across like he was expecting after his punishment phase of silence you should have been the ever grateful wife that he has now grace you with his call.
I think I would have gone so far to ask him, what do you feel you're apologising for?

So happy you stood up for yourself

You don't deserve to spend your life walking on eggshells and worrying when you husband may make you homeless. That is so shocking and heartbreaking.

Your DH ideally should be not only your partner and lover, but your lifelong closest friend. He sounds like none of those, Have you ever asked him what he wanted out of your marriage? Or did he just want a house servant/slave?
Really sorry if that is harsh Belle, but he seems to treat you as such. You can't even go out and have a day out and shop for yourself like any woman should be able to.
Do you get to have your hair or nails done? Or treat yourself to anything?
Looking after your DD I imagine is so time consuming you really need an outlet and break for yourself, and that's where you DH should help and know when to help you and give you that break. I know you love your DD to bits but you still need (Belle time).

((Hugs)) I'm sorry if I'm abit all over the place with my post, and very sorry if I've come across too harsh or rude.
Thoughts for you and your DD.

And please don't think you'd be left homeless with only what you put in the house. I am no expert but I believe you'd be entitled to a significant chunk of any equity in the house plus his earnings. You have enabled him to build a career by staying at home to support. You may even be able to stay in the house while he leaves. Please do consult a solicitor ASAP to get clarity on your financial situation.

Much of what DH comments on financially is said "tongue in cheek". He'll make a big fuss (parody style) of how much my hair costs (which is NOTHiNG compared to what I'd spend, when I was working full time). However, when he says I'm leeching off him it makes me wonder if his tongue in cheek "shock" at a lady's hair do is not just having a go at how expensive I am. I've not had it "done" since January this year, in an attempt to cut back be ause I feel bad, him paying for my haircut. It was short and now it's growing because it grows like weeds and costs a lot, to maintain. I don't do nails/facials/perfume so, that's not a big expenditure for me. I do wear makeup but buy cheapest options as essentially, he's buying it and I cannot justify the cost to him. As I say, he sees everything I buy.

As to his daughter, I am rather relieved she doesn't want to see me, only her dad. It was so hard, always trying and failing and feeling I was lacking in some essential component. I'm not acceptable to her. I am what I am and it will always be a disappointment to her. I'm pretty basic really and come from a very ordinary background. She doesn't do "common" people and, in her words "kids with special needs haircuts". I think it is a blessing for me and dd that she wants nothing to do with either of us, really.

He'll be home tomorrow. We will see. X

Should say, I've been trimming my hair a bit. It looks ok, actually. I NEVER have it blow dry at the hairdressers and the lady who does it only charges me for a dry cut so, cheap as chips compared to what some ladies spend!