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Original poster

BF "refuses" to have sex!

62 replies

dustythedolphin · 30/05/2013 00:00

I've been in a "relationship" for 15 months. I was previously married for two decades and now am a single. When I met the BF he adored me, was supportive, couldn't keep his hands off me ~ sex was great and frequent. It dwindled a bit after 3/4 months. At 6 months it ceased completely. He went into a depression for several weeks and we had no sex for two months. We discussed the issue and agreed that he would stay over once a week and would have intimate time together. For the next few weeks he made excuses 50% of the time, on the days he was due to stay, claiming he was tired or unwell. The frequency of sex is now down to less than once a month. I can't stress how rejected this makes me feel. I don't even get a hug or kiss now - he hasn't touched me for the last three weeks. I am just not sure what to do. He gets very angry about trivial things (with me and with everything) and criticises me a lot. On the other hand he would do anything for me (apart from show any intimacy). He is 50 and has not been in a relationship for longer than 2 years. One girlfriend dumped him due to the lack of sex. Another had affairs due to the lack of sex and dumped him due to his constant criticism of her/plus lack of sex. I have tried to dump him but feel I love him and he is basically a good person. He says that his sex drive is low and dwindles after a few months in all relationships. A friend of mine said "well he only wants sex when it is part of a conquest, an ego boost for him, He can't be bothered now that he knows he has "got" you hooked". I feel this is true. If he feels he is lod=sing me he has sex, but most of the time he just can't be bothered.

OP posts:
thornrose · 30/05/2013 00:07

Just out of interest how do you know about the 2 x girlfriends reasons for dumping him?

Casmama · 30/05/2013 00:11

Whatever the psychology of it, it's making you feel like crap and not meeting your needs. Changing him is not an option.
You have two options- carry on feeling more and more crap and having the same argument again and again OR dump him and give yourself the opportunity to find someone who makes you feel great.

Lizzabadger · 30/05/2013 00:13

Just dump - he sounds awful.

Mumsyblouse · 30/05/2013 00:18

This will not get better, do you fancy another 20 years of this lack of sex and intimacy? If not, I think moving on, with sadness, is the only way forward. I'm sure he's a 'good person' but he's not good to you or for you, feeling rejected so soon in a relationship is a very bad sign. Sorry.

TallyGrenshall · 30/05/2013 00:24

He has told you (I presume this is how you know the reasons) that he has been dumped for being too critical and still he continues to be critical to subsequent GFs.

So either he is incapable of changing his behaviour or he doesn't think he needs to change and it is acceptable to belittle his GFs

Neither option is appealing to me tbh

Mumsyblouse · 30/05/2013 00:25

I missed the critical bit- certainly dump, I can't see how you can want to be with someone critical and with no sex!

Darkesteyes · 30/05/2013 00:36

Get rid of him OP He just wants to present the image of Happily Coupled Up Man to the world.

Bogeyface · 30/05/2013 01:34

I started reading your OP thinking that perhaps he was depressed or was suffering from age/health related libido issues. But no, he has always been like this and clearly either cant or wont change.

So. This is him. This will always be him. The question is, can you spend the rest of your life like this? Because if you stay with him then that is what you are signing up for.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/05/2013 07:26

"I have tried to dump him but feel I love him and he is basically a good person."

Try a lot harder to dump him. You don't really love him, you've just got used to him and think he's better than nothing. He may be a good person but that doesn't make him the right person.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 07:32

He sounds like a gay man in the closet

Scruffey · 30/05/2013 07:35

Get rid. 15 months in is far too soon for so many problems.

Original poster
dustythedolphin · 30/05/2013 10:21

Thanks for your advice, you are all saying the same thing - when I tried to dump him I felt as though I had cut my right arm off, I felt so bereft without him. Oh dear - not sure if a self esteem issue with me :(
Darkesteye you are right, he is very keep to be seen out with me, as I am considered "hot" is our small rural community. He wants to be seen to have a girlfriend, without putting any effort into sustaining the relationship on an intimate level. It would help if I didn't fancy him so much...I have tried the ides of meeting other guys, but he is the only one who floats my boat. I think the reason he can't get his act together to have sex is the same reason he can't get his act together on so many fronts: to decorate his house, to book a holiday etc, he is not a "doer", but a pontificator. How do I get strong enough to walk away from this? He does so many things for me, does chores, babysits, supports me in my projects etc..

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/05/2013 10:27

It looks more like you could have a good friend, than a partner.

Could you recognise that a romantic relationship is not for the both of you and become just friends?

MadBusLady · 30/05/2013 10:36

Is he a good person?? He gets angry about trivial things, he criticises you, he won't even kiss/touch you any more which is an separate issue from being too tired/ill for sex. He sounds a right misery. It's nice that he does things for you, but frankly you could support each other as friends in those ways (I wouldn't recommend it though, if you'd always be hoping for more).

I guess the point is, you'd be signing up for not only soul-crushing rejection but also constant weary psycho-analysis as to why he is the way he is. You've already started doing it. Does that sound appealing or constructive as a life plan?

If you're really into him it's not surprising you can't cope with the idea of dating other men right now. But that would change.

Original poster
dustythedolphin · 30/05/2013 10:46

I don't feel very strong, that's the problem. We emigrated three years ago, I had a horrible work experience which resulted in my employers having to make an out of court settlement for bullying to me, then my marriage of 20 years broke down. Shortly after that, my husband died. I never knew he was ill, as he had a late diagnosis for terminal cancer just after we split and decided not to tell me he was ill. I have three young children and can't afford the childcare to go out and feel I have very few friends. I guess that as well as feeling I genuinely love him,which I do, I don't feel I am strong enough to stand on my own two feet. I thought about maybe having "affairs" and carrying on, but that would just be empty sex and would hurt him, me and the other person. I have the option of carrying on and feeling rejected. Or trying to be "just friends". Or splitting up completely. I have tried to discuss the lack of sex with him so many times, its not worth persuing the option of trying to resolve the problem. As many of you have said, this is him, it was him in previous relationships and he is not going to change. He just has nil interest in sex once he settles into a relationship.

OP posts:
simplesusan · 30/05/2013 10:48

I wouldn't be able to tolerate this relationship.

Stop trying to convince yourself that he will chage.

He has already admitted that this is the way he is. Dump him and you will meet a new man in time.

MadBusLady · 30/05/2013 10:53

Oh god, you've had such a rough few years! No wonder this irritable loser looked like a bright spot when he was all into you and everything was great. But he isn't any more. He's stopping you from getting into a better place.

And it's not just that he has nil interest in sex - if his sex drive plummeted but he was distraught about it and showed you as much affectionate as possible in the meantime, that might be different. It sounds more as if he has nil interest in love.

Lucylloyd13 · 30/05/2013 10:58

This is about you.

Most women have sexual needs, f that includes you, and they are not being satisfied, move on.

For others, sex is a minor or unimportant part of the relationship.

It sounds like you are in the first camp, if so, move on.

tallwivglasses · 30/05/2013 12:48

Dump him. its not going to get better. Please move on before he destroys your self esteem.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/05/2013 12:55

"I have three young children and can't afford the childcare to go out and feel I have very few friends. I guess that as well as feeling I genuinely love him,which I do, I don't feel I am strong enough to stand on my own two feet."

It's OK to admit to being frightened of being alone/lonely, but the only way you actually stand on two feet is to put down the crutch.... The only way you're going to make new friends is to leave this 'almost boyfriend' behind.

As for 'love'... don't waste something that precious on someone who doesn't reciprocate. Life's far too short.

Original poster
dustythedolphin · 30/05/2013 18:32

darkest eyes thanks so much for that link!! It is a form of control! At the beginning he fancied me and wanted me all the time. Now I am familiar and constant, he gets annoyed about trivial things and I feel the "no sex" situation is his way of punishing me when he is annoyed or stressed.Familiarity breeds contempt.
I have been through the first stage - tried to dress more sexily, act in a more flirtatious manner (with both him and even with other fellas, as I thought that he might "want" me if he felt a twinge of jealousy), tried to avoid arguements for weeks, thinking that if he was "happy" he might want me again. I even bought him a massage, as part of his birthday present, as he kept complaining about aches and pains (sex avoidance) and I thought it might "loosen him up".
I don't always, but often do, feel insecure/unattractive/wonder what I am doing wrong. I wouldn't say he is consciously abusive, he does so many kind things every day. He says that "doing things" for me is his way of showing his love. I said that I would rather have sex than have him come round and fix my laptop/move the bins/fix the car or whatever task he energetically throws himself into.
When he stopped having sex with me for those months, he was so thoughtful in other ways - he even bought me a v expensive camera- guilt money? I mean I like the camera, but would rather have cuddles to be honest.
We see each other every day and do loads of activities together and are indeed best friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
dustythedolphin · 30/05/2013 18:35

On the sex side, he said that after the first few months, he can't orgasm any more with a girlfriend. Although he did do, the last two times we were together. He also has a problem of excessive sweating (which he has never mentioned, but he become soaked within the first few minutes of activity). I mean the whole bed is soaked. And he has a skin condition.
Oh dear, I am just making excuses for him now aren't I? Blush

OP posts:
mrscynical · 30/05/2013 18:41

Blimey, he gets worse every post.

Shock
AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 18:42

GAY

Does no one else think he is in the closet ?Confused