BF "refuses" to have sex!

[dustythedolphin]

I've been in a "relationship" for 15 months. I was previously married for two decades and now am a single. When I met the BF he adored me, was supportive, couldn't keep his hands off me ~ sex was great and frequent. It dwindled a bit after 3/4 months. At 6 months it ceased completely. He went into a depression for several weeks and we had no sex for two months. We discussed the issue and agreed that he would stay over once a week and would have intimate time together. For the next few weeks he made excuses 50% of the time, on the days he was due to stay, claiming he was tired or unwell. The frequency of sex is now down to less than once a month. I can't stress how rejected this makes me feel. I don't even get a hug or kiss now - he hasn't touched me for the last three weeks. I am just not sure what to do. He gets very angry about trivial things (with me and with everything) and criticises me a lot. On the other hand he would do anything for me (apart from show any intimacy). He is 50 and has not been in a relationship for longer than 2 years. One girlfriend dumped him due to the lack of sex. Another had affairs due to the lack of sex and dumped him due to his constant criticism of her/plus lack of sex. I have tried to dump him but feel I love him and he is basically a good person. He says that his sex drive is low and dwindles after a few months in all relationships. A friend of mine said "well he only wants sex when it is part of a conquest, an ego boost for him, He can't be bothered now that he knows he has "got" you hooked". I feel this is true. If he feels he is lod=sing me he has sex, but most of the time he just can't be bothered.

It really is OK to be single. You would be much happier single than wasting all your time and mental energy on this dickhead. I agree with AF that he's probably a closet gay so it's important for him to be seen to have a female partner, but he's not interested in sex with women.

Ah, well, are you sitting comfortably?

Basically, we met and he decided he wanted me. He pursued like mad and "got me". Sex quite a big part of the relationship up to the point where he asked me to move in. Even then, it was ok for a few more more months then, as I became more confident and was doing better at work, it began to tail off. Excuses were made and he never ever wanted sex. Similar thing with the depression excuse too and the former girlfriends.

I ended engineering a situation where I knew he would end it. He did. I was very upset. We then spent about six months making up/breaking up. Oddly enough he had no problem with sex at that stage...

I tired of this and moved on. I did not have such a horrible time as you've had though nor did I have a child then.

His behaviour was so similar to that of your BF - the criticism in particular - I really do think it's a way of controlling everything.

You deserve so much more, you know...

ooooh, LTNS < waves at BDSM >

Belle its very similar here - he pursued me and treated me better than any man ever did - kind of worshipped me, loads of sex, kept telling me how much he loved everything about me, was very obviously very, very "proud" of me. To be honest he would do practically anything for me, supports me and my business, is wonderful with the kids etc etc. He puts a lot of effort into the relationship and then gets cross because I don't acknowledge what he has done, or my kids wreck all the hard work he has put in.
When my ex-DH died, BF helped me organise the funeral and propped me up emotionally. He scanned photos, did a photo board, printed the obituary leaflet, held me when I broke down in tears, just generally looked after me.
He said that after that, he never felt the same, it kind of drained him. I think it scared him a bit. That was the point when the sex stopped. BUT it would have stopped anyway, wouldn't it, because it has stopped in all his previous relationships?
I just can't imagine life without him, but I so want to be held by someone :(

you don't "acknowledge" him ?

what does that mean exactly ? What form would this "acknowledgement" take ?

your kids "wreck all his hard work"? How ?

wtf are you giving this prick head space for

he enjoyed being the knight in shining armour for a while

now the drama has settled down into the mundanity of normal daily life, he isn't interested

what does that tell you ?

He said "it never felt the same it kind of drained him" do you see how he was already laying the foundations for a sexless relationship and already blaming it on you. This is abusive OP.
It is a form of sexual abuse as well as emotional.

he got a hard on when you were in the middle of a crisis, didn't he ?

now you are not so needy, he is not so hard

what a prick

Dusty, he thinks he is the best you can do (or thinks you think he is the best you can do), imho, from what you have written about the other availability prospects in your area.

To me, while the sex issue is an important circumstance, the emotional abuse and power/control dynamic is more worring. But together, I would definitely call time on this relationship, if I were in these circumstances.

You are deeply incompatible, that is all you need to say. No amout of little boy pouting, pity party, sad sack shit will change anything...it is just a manipulative tactic...same as telling you how much he loved everything about you was a manipulation, quite the seduction.

Your dc, whether girls or boys, are at an impressionable age (when aren't they) and he is setting a sort of relationship template for them. Are they already walking on eggshells if he is getting cross when they do what kids do? Or does he play nice nice in front of them, but lectures you behind the scenes? Sorry that I am guessing all over the place, but he sounds just too complex to deal with any hope that your dc can (age appropriate) understand or not be confused by these circumstances.

1. no sex 2)power/control dynamic
2. different around the kids than he is with you? Confusing. Three strikes, Dusty, get him outta there.

DH and I are gloing through a bit of a dry patch. We have been together for almost 16 years and have three very demanding DC, including one who gets up at 5am every bloody day. I work evenings and get home hours after DH has gone to bed. Waking him is not an option as he is the one who gets up with DS2 at 5am. He works long and demanding hours, I have a recently diagnosed long term chronic health condition as well as some ongoing gynae issues since DS2 was born 4.5 years ago.

We are allowed to only have sex once a month given all of that lot going on, but we maintain our intimacy in other ways; lots of hugs and closeness, a specific night where we eat without the children, escaping for a few hours when we can, and we know that this is just a phase of our relationship and will settle down in good time. If we were in that zone after only a few months, or were not talking about why it was happening or discussing ways we could step things up a gear (DH and I do that relentlessly, but conclude we don't have the energy to even try ), regardless of how good a person they were or how much I felt I loved them, I would be moving on, or at the very least settling for being on my own for a time. The frequency of your sex life is only going to get worse as the years go on, so put yourself in your place in a few years and see how that makes you feel?

You could test it out and become just friends again and tell him that you will start dating again.
I suspect he'll cling on to you again, and possibly even lead to (him wanting) sex.

That should tell you it's about control, not libido.

Regardless, I think you should let go of him, possibly even as a friend, so that you are emotionally free to enter new relationships.

Just bin and move on. Really. You don't get a gold star for indluging a tiresome man indefinitely.