"if someone was violent to me I'd be wondering what I'd done to provoke them"

[itreallyhappened]

This is what my dad said to me at the weekend

It's 7 months since my husband was violent to me (first and only time) and I posted about it a lot at the time www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1592616-Shocked-by-dhs-angry-violent-outburst-What-to-do?pg=8

I've always been able to talk to my dad and we have a lovely relationship.

H and I have struggled to move on from this and whilst he hasn't been violent or angry to me since I just feel differently. DH has moved out for a bit as I want some space to think about the relationship. My dad thinks leaving dh will be a terrible mistake as he is a "great guy". I said to my dad "but how can you think someone who put their hands round your daughters throat is a good guy?" and he said "well, this is just me love but If it were me I'd be wondering what I'd done to make the other person so angry". I told my dad I think no matter how angry I'd made someone it doesnt excuse that and he just said "well that is me love, that's just how I would feel".

I feel really hurt and upset by this. I am glad he forgave DH for this one off horrible thing as having the support of dad while we've tried to make it work has been important but I feel devastated that my dad thinks I should settle for this and thinks I'd be making a "terrible mistake" if I left.

Is he from a different 'era'. I mean in his culture/time/part of the country did men commonly do things like that? Did they discuss it at the pub about how annoying their wives are, that they need a good slap etc.?

What I mean is though it is unacceptable, perhaps it was normalised in his time/area?

You did the right thing. Your dad is very very wrong. It was never your fault.

It wasn't your fault. And I can totally see why you are disappointed in your dad as I know mine would see any violence committed against me as inexcusable because I am his daughter and he is on my side. What kind of relationship do your dad and husband have?

I think your Dad is being casually but horribly offensive and 'that's just how I feel' is a cowardly thing to say and no excuse whatsoever. My Dad is in his seventies, grew up in a very rough part of the country in another era and would frankly cut off an arm rather than suggest that, if a man hit me, even if it was just the once, I must have provoked it.

Your Dad should be on your side and putting your well-being above everything else. All this 'he's a great guy' crap is just that... crap.

I always think of my dad as a fairly modern chap. He's certainly not a 'macho' man and neither his culture/time/part of the world see this as acceptable, nor do I believe it was commonplace.

I'm just gutted cause I feel my dad doesn't think I am worth more . I know dh is great in so many ways though and I guess my dad just doesn't want me to be alone.

Plus, if your dad was attacked in the street, would he be wondering what he had done to provoke it?

You are worth more. Your dad is wrong.

I did very directly say "are you suggesting that I should be examining what I said to dh?" and my dad said "no, that's just how I would be feeling". I told him I thought that was very sad and that nothing said should provoke someone to out their hands round someone's throat.

Just makes me feel sad. Am actually sitting here in tears now.

My dad and dh get on well. They don't do things just the two of them but we do lots of family activities as an extended family. Up until the one violent incident dh had been a model son in law and husband and always looked out for me. Until then he's just the sort of guy you'd want your little girl to be with.

Thanks for the posts - I knew I wasn't going mad but of course I've started thinking "did I provoke him?".

If I was with someone I'm sure my parents would want us to work out any little differences rather than split over nothing. But violence is criminal behaviour. Saying your DH is great in so many ways apart from the violence is like saying Harold Shipman was a great doctor apart from all the murders. How can your Dad think it's better to let you be slapped around than to support you in being independent???

Did you ask your Dad if he'd ever been 'provoked' into strangling someone?

Well my dad (like me) is rationally saying "it only happened once, 7 months ago and nothing similar has happened since".

I guess he sees that as being better than me being alone. I talked to my mum about it as I was so upset with what he'd said and she just said "dad doesn't want you to be lonely". However she does understand that I've felt more lonely with DH living here than I have done since he moved out temporarily.

That's heartbreaking. I'm sorry he has let you down in this.

I suppose there is a chance it's a failure of empathy. It's no good a man envisaging being hit by another man in the pub in a non-relationship scenario, and thinking their approach is applicable to you. That is not comparable to a relationship where there should be a bond of love and trust, and where one party is usually much physically stronger than the other.

So my point above is that you can be incredibly lonely when living with someone and less lonely when living alone....

It's making you think though isn't it? It's making you realise it wasn't you, you are worth more and maybe it is time to rid yourself of this violent bastard?

Could it be a bit of reverse psychology? If not it's totally out of order. And if it is it's an ill advised approach.

Lots of x-posts.

Some parents are just weirdly keen for their offspring to stay in relationships at high cost. I've seen this in my own family. It's a mixture of genuine concern and self-interest. They've been in it for the long haul themselves, after all, they think they know the secret to a happy life, and they're also damned if they're going to start doing any re-examining of their own relationship and choices at their age.

You staying in the marriage means you stay in the neat little closed box marked "sorted married daughter with family life".

Sadly, it isnt an uncommon view. The whole "no smoke without fire" attitude crops up in domestic violence cases, cheating, emotional abuse, financial abuse...... A lot of people seem to think that the only reason a man would with hold money is because his wife is a spend thrift for example. A man wouldnt cheat if he was happy at home. You get the idea

It isnt until these people experience first hand what those situations are like that they realise how unreasonable they are being.

I think it would depend. I don't think there's anything wrong with wondering what provoked a violent attack. I would wonder the same. However, the violent outburst is still unacceptable! I think if my dad saw it as an acceptable act then I would feel hurt and would probably find it difficult to talk to him for a while. Sorry I'm not explaining this very well, just that there's a difference between wondering how it had been provoked and saying its acceptable. I think that provoke is a clumsy word and implies its your fault and that may not be what your dad meant.

Yes that is a good point madbuslady (like your username!) I guess then he thinks he doesn't have to worry about me. Whereas my mum told me "if you leave H then I won't lose a night's sleep cause I know you'd be fine and make a happy life, but if you stay and aren't happy, well that will keep me up at night". My mum also likes my H but she just wants me to be content and fulfilled.

jengnr - I genuinely don't think my h is a violent bastard. I do think hes a good person who did a crap thing. His behavious since has proved this. Though it doesn't mean he's right for me. I also KNOW that even if I had provoked him his behaviour was inexcusable.

I agree that you staying in your marriage is better for your DF because he would have to deal with the change of you divorcing which he doesnt want to do.

I know that when I split up with my H a lot of our friends were pushing me to give him another chance. I asked my closest friend why and she was honest and said that part of it was because it would bugger up our social circle!

He said he'd be wondering what he'd done to make the other person so angry. There's no ambiguity or clumsy wording there. Straight line cause and effect.

I think another poster made a good point though. He is probably thinking of it in terms of bloke A being a complete twat after too much beer in the pub, bloke B getting pissed off, bloke A being provoking until bloke B smacks him one.

Not acceptable behaviour but bloke A would probably think to himself afterwards "I shouldnt have provoked him".

He probably cant get his head around a normally nice and caring man hauling off at his wife simply on the basis of having a bad day, without that man being a dyed in the wool wife batterer. Its as if in the Dads eyes, you are either nice or a batterer and because the husband isnt a batterer, he must by default, be nice.

Yeah - he did start talking about "battered wives" and how that was "different". My mum says "dad doesn't get it love, just ignore him".... Maybe that's the best advice! I just feel really sad about it and that if I do leave everyone else's reactions will be the same "oh he was such a nice guy, what an idiot she is for leaving him". I know I shouldnt care what others say but because we have dc together I know i'll be very judged.

Oh, that's even worse. Does he think it's a question of the number of hits??

Your mum sounds ace though.

No behaviour from another person merits violence. That's just victim-blaming.

That's very different though to suggesting that the behaviour of another person can cause anger because of course it can - and it does. It's up to the angry person though to manage that anger in a safe and controlled way.

Is your dad actually suggesting that something you did or said might have caused your husband to feel angry but he's being clumsy about the wording and distinction that needs to be made?

You seem to be very forgiving of this violent episode. Why is that? Was your husband ill, drunk or under some sort of medication at the time? Do you think whatever it was, was a reasonable excuse?

I don't think that's what dad was saying badinage... I think he was just saying that that was how he would feel. I can't bear to think that was what he was thinking!

My husband was all of the above! Ill (he thinks he's had depression), drunk and on prescription medication. He has turned himself around since. Thats why I have forgiven him. Turns out forgetting is harder though.