Numb, we've talked, it's over.

[verygentlydoesit]

I've been with P for 9 years, we have a 6yo DS. We've struggled for a while, I've posted several times (under a few usernames, I change a bit to avoid being outed in RL). He's basically a very selfish person and I think I've been subjected to EA, albeit on a fairly small scale.
I recently stood up to him after he did something really selfish, and we've struggled ever since.

He said tonight that we just keep going in circles, he can't see how things can get better or improve. He said although he loves me he thinks we should split up. We talked, I cried a lot.

I'm going away with DS this week, then P is away on and off for the following 2 weeks, after which he will look for somewhere to live.

I feel strangely calm, which can only mean I've not accepted that its over. I'm absolutely petrified of what will happen when I do accept it, and of course really worried about telling DS (which we won't do until he's sorted somewhere to live).

What do I do? Why don't I feel devastated? Am I in denial?

because he will be back.whining and moaning and pleading. Use this time to think what you WANT. he is manipulating you...

I don't think he will lemon, he's incredibly stubborn. I actually asked him to give me some space, 5 years ago after some spectacularly selfish behaviour. He was so upset/ angry that he packed a bag and left for almost a year (DS was 1). So I don't think he's manipulating me- he means it. He did change after he came back, but not enough, he still puts his own needs first always.

well then - let him go. Neither you nor DS needs a manchild who puts his own needs first always ? No. Am I missing something?

You will be fine...

No, you're not missing something, other than I'm not very good at seeing things as clearly as I should.

I wish I could feel so sure that it will be ok....

I might start a list of useful phrases, number 1: "We don't need a man child around who always puts his needs first". Thank you lemon.

What selfish thing did he do recently?

What outcome were you hoping for as a result of your talk?

What was life like when you separated last time?

Perhaps you're calm because you already know you can cope, and despite separation being painful/stressful, somewhere deep down you know it's likely you'll be more contented when you are not living with him.

So this bloke has done at least two spectacularly selfish, deal-breaking things ?

Yep, time to call it a day. That there is a pattern

From my own experience in a slightly different situation I would say you feel calm because you know splitting up is the right decision. That's how I felt. I never did feel devastated just relieved. You are stronger than you think. You will cope and be happy again. Don't stay with this selfish man. You're worth so much better!

badinage, we don't get much time together as a family, mainly due to his work commitments. Work being a sport which unfortunately despite a lot of effort does not bring in much money (I say this because the lack of income makes the work thing quite tricky to deal with at times).

A couple of weeks ago we had finally pinned down a family day, agreed to spend the whole day together. At 5.30 he announced he was going to the pub with his mates. I asked him not to go as we had planned to spend the day altogether- he said the day was over, it was now evening , and that he didn't care what I said, he was going and that was that.

It might not seem like a major thing. But it felt like a final kick in the teeth, and the pub thing is fairly typical for him.

meditrina the last break up was very hard. I was struggling with a difficult baby, and I missed P terribly. Things got worse when he found a new GF.

However, DS is now easy. I know I can manage financially and practically alone (I pretty much do already). So it won't be the same.

I will miss P though, ridiculous as that sounds. Plus I will miss our family unit- again ridiculous as it wasn't exactly perfect.

Oh AF steam would erupt from your keyboard if I listed half of the selfish things that he has done. I'm insane to have out up with it, but he has changed over the years. A lot. But not enough.

Have you posted about this selfish fucker before ?

he left you with a small baby and shagged someone else, while you "were on a break" ?

Then comes back with no intention of actually being the family man he should be. So here you are again...a little sadder, a little more beaten down, a little more frightened to go it alone

lovely

frustratedashell I desperately hope that you are right. That would be wonderful. Can I really do this without crumbling? I really really really hope so.

Okay well my guess is that he's met someone else and this is why he's calling time on the relationship. She was probably in his plans the night he insisted on going to the pub. But if he's emotionally abusive, that's a good deal on the table because she's got him off your hands. Having affairs is pretty standard fare for emotional abusers, as you'll know if you've posted here a few times.

Oh I posted all that before I saw the stuff about him shagging someone else when you broke up before. I'd say he was up to his old tricks then. I should think his MO when he's having an affair is to behave so badly he gets himself dumped, but this time he's jumped ship himself.

Yes I've posted before, a few times.

You were all right about him every time (especially you AF!). In other areas of my life I'm no pushover, but in this area I failed to take your advice and let him treat me this way. I should be angry with him, I really should, but I'm not- I'm just disappointed.

Well, you know you can keep hoping he can be a better man.

It's not going to happen though, is it ?

Make your mind up time

I'm pretty sure there is no one else. I really appreciate every bit of support on here, but I don't think I need to accept that he is cheating on me already.

Having said that I have absolutely no doubt that it won't take him long.

No AF it's not going to happen, and the sensible part of my brain has made up its mind.

Unfortunately though, the stupid part of my brain has a loud voice too and doesn't want to let go. Fortunately I don't have a choice.

Whether he is cheating at this precise moment in time is pretty immaterial really.

He'll be dipping his wick very soon, having a nice little shag-a-thon holiday away from the "stresses" of family life.

Then in a few months, when the new pairs of tits OW lose their shine, he will be back to warm his feet at the home fire

Except this time, he's out in the cold for good.

Right ?

When you broke up before, who ended the relationship?

Will he be able to support himself and your son on this low wage he earns?

Right.

How do I make sure I mean it and stick to it? A list of all the crap I've dealt with?

He's not breaking our son's heart then coming back for more. NO WAY.

Oh god, it's the cocklodging golfer, isn't it?

This guy has been taking the piss out of you for years.

And there is someone else.

Just like there was the last time you split up.

A list is a good place to start

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Find another bloke. Play him at his own game. Make sure you arrange plenty of weekend access for your son, and go find yourself another life instead of clinging onto the shit one he has offered you.