Numb, we've talked, it's over.

[verygentlydoesit]

I've been with P for 9 years, we have a 6yo DS. We've struggled for a while, I've posted several times (under a few usernames, I change a bit to avoid being outed in RL). He's basically a very selfish person and I think I've been subjected to EA, albeit on a fairly small scale.
I recently stood up to him after he did something really selfish, and we've struggled ever since.

He said tonight that we just keep going in circles, he can't see how things can get better or improve. He said although he loves me he thinks we should split up. We talked, I cried a lot.

I'm going away with DS this week, then P is away on and off for the following 2 weeks, after which he will look for somewhere to live.

I feel strangely calm, which can only mean I've not accepted that its over. I'm absolutely petrified of what will happen when I do accept it, and of course really worried about telling DS (which we won't do until he's sorted somewhere to live).

What do I do? Why don't I feel devastated? Am I in denial?

I will not be doing anything for him, absolutely nothing.

He hasn't sorted out where he's going yet. I'm just guessing he will stay with a mate, because as things stand he won't be able to afford to rent anywhere, not even a room I don't think. I'm sure one of his friends will take pity in him, but all those with spare rooms have families of their own and may not want a 'lodger', so he may just end up on a sofa. I'm trying to make myself know that all this is his problem not mine, so I'm trying not to think about it too much.

Ok but what's actually stopping him moving out to a mate's now? You're right it's his problem to find somewhere to live, but it is your problem if you've got a bloke who wants out of the relationship, but intends hanging around like a bad smell until it suits him to leave.

I see your point Badinage, I'm confident that he will go as soon as he has sorted something. If nothing is sorted after our various trips away, I will start insisting.

I'm writing my shit list- I'm on point 31. Feel guilty writing it.

I'm listing some eye watering stuff, but a voice inside my head keeps reminding me that I'm supposed to have forgiven him for some of it (because we agreed we couldn't move forward unless I could forgive him). Plus I'm forever trying to let him off the hook by empathising with why he did various twattish things. I'm a compete pushover!

Still it's a very very long list .

who pays the mortgage/rent, love ?

who pays the bills ?

this man doesn't want you, other than as the cash cow

as well as not washing his skiddy undies, every day he stays you are further bankrolling him

tell him he leaves...today

your self respect will thank you for it

Well said anyfucker!

You are grieving the loss of the man you thought you were with. There is a massive disconnect (dissonance) between the man you thought he was and loved, and the real tosser man he has shown himself to be. That is why you are crying, feeling soft towards him.

Once you have fully disconnected emotionally from him I bet you will wonder what on earth you ever saw in him and why you put up with him for so long.

I've seen many many women on here write about their experience of this.

I think you are feeling some fear of fear itself. It really won't be as bad as you think. There will be so many compensations to not having him around dragging you down and stressing you out. Chin up, this is the worse bit.

Thanks electric, for the encouragement and advice.

I wish there was a magic spell to help me see the 'real' P clearly, rather than the man I imagined he was. The grieving is really tough, I wish I had half of the strength and conviction of those able to shout LTB at the top of their voices.

Easy to say, not so easy to do

What's the alternative though? Carry on getting used? That's a terrible example to set for children, and a killer of self esteem

When I was struggling with not wanting to be with ExP with a small baby and with PND I got counselling, and the counsellor said something that has stuck with me ever since

"It doesn't have to be a tragedy"

I made me realise I could handle it all perfectly well and know it was for the best. No guilt. No drama. No misery. Just resolution and onwards. Ten years later we are still reasonably civil and ds is thriving.

The day he left I danced around my flat with ds in m arms thinking yippee. Never looked back.

madame that is really inspiring, good for you!

I will add 'it doesn't have to be a tragedy' to my list of things to remember! I'm not sure I can play it that way, especially as I feel the humiliating grief rising when I see him- but it's worth a try .

Oh, I did feel all that too, and a ridiculous amount of guilt because I just didn't care enough to fight for it...but I did end up realising the reason I couldn't fight for it was because it was so wrong for me. We are so conditioned to care and bond and stay...you have nothing to feel humiliated about. On the contrary, you are being strong and true to your deepest feelings. The Fog, Obligation and Guilt will pass. As will the feelings of humiliating grief. Families are made in all sorts of ways. Ds and I are a family. Ds and his dad are a family. As long as they are loved they are ok. I look at ds and know that everyday. He did not need me and his dad to be together ...he just needed us both to love him and put him first as far as we are able.

Give it a go! Feeling calm does not mean you have not accepted its over. Quite the contrary! It probably means your unconscious does completely get it, and is giving you a break!

Thank you madame. You sound do strong, it's fantastic!

I love that you k is that you and DS are a family. I'm struggling to feel this about DS and I, I feel inadequate for him on my own- that our family of 2 isn't good enough for him. I'm ashamed that I feel this way and would never never do anything to let him know that is how I feel. He is such a lovely, funny, enthusiastic little boy and I would love to feel 'enough' for him.

Unfortunately my initial calm has since been interspersed with guilt, tears and doubt. However, I am still doing ok and I'm not upset all the time. I'm definitely going to try to believe that my subconscious knows that this is not a tragedy .

Know not k is.

So not do.

Bloody iPhone .

that's normal love. it proves you are human and normal and not a self obsessed baggage!

Be kind to yourself if you can.

Of course you are enough for him. Love is what counts for kids. looking out for them. Providing a stable home, routine, care. being the adult. Do that and you have won hands down. with or without his dad.

Thank you madame, I think maybe my self esteem has taken a knock which is why I feel 'not enough' for DS. Your list of what a need to do to be enough is great- I can do all that no problem!

DS is our only child (I'm unable to have any more DC so would prefer to avoid any well meaning suggestions that one child families are not ideal), and I think that changes the parent / child dynamic a little. I absolutely love spending time with DS, but P seems so much better at it- and so I feel like I'm not enough.......

DS and I have managed to get to the coast for a few days. I'm having sad moments, but it is definitely much much easier to cope away from home and away from P.

Have a great time VG. Try to just relax and enjoy your few days without thinking about the future. Hope the weather is good for you