Numb, we've talked, it's over.

[verygentlydoesit]

I've been with P for 9 years, we have a 6yo DS. We've struggled for a while, I've posted several times (under a few usernames, I change a bit to avoid being outed in RL). He's basically a very selfish person and I think I've been subjected to EA, albeit on a fairly small scale.
I recently stood up to him after he did something really selfish, and we've struggled ever since.

He said tonight that we just keep going in circles, he can't see how things can get better or improve. He said although he loves me he thinks we should split up. We talked, I cried a lot.

I'm going away with DS this week, then P is away on and off for the following 2 weeks, after which he will look for somewhere to live.

I feel strangely calm, which can only mean I've not accepted that its over. I'm absolutely petrified of what will happen when I do accept it, and of course really worried about telling DS (which we won't do until he's sorted somewhere to live).

What do I do? Why don't I feel devastated? Am I in denial?

Hmm im not sure who officially ended it: I asked for some space, so in his eyes I ended it. But once I calmed down I asked him to come back, he said he wasn't sure. A few weeks later he met OW- in my eyes that ended it....

I can't see how he will support himself on his wage. There will be nothing for DS, unless P finally makes it. He days that next year he will get a proper job if necessary, so maybe that will change. I think he will probably move into a friends spare room, until he finds someone else to take him on.

Some silly woman will take him of course.

athing yes it is . I'm infamous it feels, but believe me I've tried not to be a pushover (got myself done therapy recently which has really helped). Please don't take the piss out of me, I know it must be frustrating to read posts where people are blatantly being taken advantage of, but it's really not easy to let go.

Sorry some therapy, not got therapy.

I don't believe that he met the last OW within a few weeks. It's far more likely that he behaved more atrociously than normal while the affair was going on and it got so bad that you asked him to leave. Much the same as now - he's probably been trying to get you to dump him, thought that the pub incident would seal it, but then when you still didn't react, decided he ought to dump you.

As it sounds like you've been supporting his wanky dreams in a wanky sport, it's far more likely that he's only giving up such a cushy number for some other woman who's offered to support him.

So play hard ball on the finances and breathe a sigh of relief that he's out of your life.

By the way, it is immaterial whether there's an affair involved here, but I'd hunch that if you came out of your denial and realised that he's an unfaithful emotional abuser, you might not weaken when this next affair fizzles out and he wants to come back.

I don't think Athing is taking the piss, love

This bloke is. Over and over again.

And yes, you are right it is frustrating to see perfectly lovely and otherwise strong women demeaning themselves for useless men.

he's just a man and a crap one at that

let him go, and don't have him back...how many more times will you let him confuse and hurt your son

show your son that this is not how to treat women...but firstly of course you have to convince yourself first

none of us can do that, and it's easy for us to spout the tough words

if you don't put them into practice though, love, you will still be hankering over someone who just doesn't feel the same way you do

you are disposable , a temporary stopgap, a means to an end

he will dump you forever if he ever "makes it", you know that don't you ?

Yes you can do this! Absolutely! Make a list, read it everyday to remind yourself how he has treated you and DS. Also he is setting a very bad example to your son. What a role model! Don't accept anymore crap from this selfish man. You managed last time he went, you'll manage again. And I will guarantee you that you will meet someone who will treat you right. You don't have to settle for second best! Stay strong.

Ouch, you guys don't hold back! I really don't think there is another woman (yet), I know you don't believe that though so we can agree to differ- because let's face it there will be one soon enough . However, I promise that I will have my secret affair radar on and try to keep my mind open to the possibility (not least because you know what you are talking about).

isindbusagain, thank you for your kind words, and the plan (I love a good plan). I will definitely try it.

Can anyone recommend a book for me please? I have started Lundy's 'Should I stay or should I go', it speaks volumes about P. But it talks a lot about deciding whether or not to end your relationship and I would much rather read something angled at a relationship that it definitely over or aimed at someone like me.

Our son is with GPs this evening so I said I would sleep in his bed. P is too heavy for it as its a cabin bed. But I don't want to wake up in DS' bed, I want my own bed, where I feel safe- except that P is in there.

Funny how he managed to drop straight off to sleep .

The only reason it might even be relevant is because (although I don't understand this myself) infidelity seems to be even more of a deal-breaker for some women than emotional and financial abuse - and sometimes even physical and sexual abuse. So while they'll keep taking a bloke back after all that, they draw the line at infidelity. It might be worth challenging yourself about why you're so certain he's not fooling around. Would this be your line in the sand? And deep down, you don't want to draw it in case he wants to come back at some point in the future?

I think you need to work on your defences in any way you can, to stop yourself asking him to come back, or to let him come back when whatever's pulling him away this time has receded. He appears to want out of the relationship and it's best to accept that, but make sure he realises that he can't walk away from his responsibilities as a father.

Yes I guess another woman would be more of a line in the sand. I can see where you are coming from, but TBH a more definite line in the sand might be a better thing for me anyway. My resistance to the idea feels more like the fact that I feel its just not true and that I would feel humiliated if it was happening behind my back.......

As for why he can't come back- my best defence is that once we've told DS I am NOT going to confuse him by allowing his daddy back home. The last time DS was too tiny to understand, this time he will be really upset, I'm not putting him through that for nothing NO WAY.

I'm glad you understand why I'm advancing this as an idea. I agree that you need a more definite line in the sand and although I accept what you're saying about not upsetting DS without good reason and I think that's honourable, I suspect if this bloke wanted to come back and you could convince yourself it would make DS happy, that line would disappear again.

So my advice to you is to get digging and once you find the evidence of what I'm sure is going on (and was going on last time) I think you'll find that you'll be too angry to feel humiliated. It wouldn't be your shame anyway. Plus I really do think if you were able to accept that he'd been cheating as well as all the other stuff he's done, you'd be able to make more sense of this break-up and the relationship overall. Most importantly, it will strengthen your defences and will help you to bid this relationship a long overdue farewell.

op you are going through this. it is hard leaving any rs even an EA one. . come join us on the EA thread if need any hand holding,morale boosting etc.

the other lundy book why does he do that is meant ti ve good at making you accept they won't change.

you don't need any more reason to end it than you are not happy. it does not matter if he has ow or not. you deserve more than he was giving.

and fwiw i was totally calm when i finally called time on my EA partner because like you i realised i was already coping on my own and he was just making this harder. and i had finally accepted.

allow yourself to grieve for the rs you should have had if he had been the man you imagined he could be and expect to be hacked off at the unfairness of it all.

be kind to yourself.

Thank you badinage, I do get it I think, and part of me knows why a rage inducing affair might help me move on properly.

I don't think there is one but I will definitely keep the possibility in mind, so that I'm in a position to spot the signs.

I don't think I want to actively go snooping though. There is only really his phone to snoop at, and he would probably have deleted any incriminating messages anyway. I think snooping would add another layer of stress that I don't need.

I'm warning to the idea that he might have someone lined up though. DS and I are going away this week so I can't keep a close eye on him, then he will be away for a few days over each of the two weeks after we return. I know this is for genuine competitions but there's no way of knowing exactly what he's up to while away.

NUmb is normal OP. It will wear off in a day or two - then the anger will set in.
Afterall this knobhead has not only ruined your rls but has created instability for you and your DS.

The effect of his level of selfishness on yourself that would be one thing, but to continue being a selfish prick when you've got a child, that is a completely different level of total twathood.

Would you behave as he has done? What gives him the right to expect you to put up with him and his behaviour? What makes him so special that he should come first?

You will cope fine OP. You already are. In future you won't have that arse dragging you down, draining the pleasure out of life for you and taking up your headspace with all his crap. You will be free, have your independence and self-respect, you can take pride in what you will achieve for you and your son.

I think you feel calm because you've been here before and know you made a mistake letting him back in your lives. Good luck

Electric, no I would not do what he has done, none of it, ever. I explained it away (still find myself doing it), by thinking its just down to our different personality types. I don't know what gives him the right to expect me to put up with things- I just do .

Thanks Cogito, I do hope you are right about me being ok because deep down I know it's the right thing. But I'm very afraid of having a dawning realisation once he's packed his bags, and falling apart feeling like my world is caving in. I know that would be a pitiful reaction from me, but I'm trying to be honest about what I'm afraid of- so I can prepare for it.....

He sounds like a total and utter tosser. I'm sorry, I know it's tough hearing strangers say it, but he does Hun.
The long term satisfaction and empowerment you'll get from knowing you had the strength to do what needed to be done, will massively counter any doubt and insecurity you feel now. It isn't as hard you think, and it'll set you free!!

Numb is normal. It's protective. Keep going. There will be lots of different emotions ahead, but you will weather them. Good luck.

As he left today I said I thought it would be good to keep out of each others way. He said 'whatever is best for you'. Well it is best for me, our home (no actually MY home), is really small and I'm not sure I can face sitting in the same room as him every evening until he finds somewhere to go.

I cried after he left this morning, I wish I understood why. I think I felt rejected- which is ridiculous as I've already had the fullest dose of the strongest rejection medicine!

At least DS and I are going away for a few days, then P, or should u say EXP, will be away for a bit. After which, I hope he will take proactive steps to find somewhere to go.

Why can't he look for somewhere now? Even if it's temporary. I would want him gone by the time you get back from your hols.

We are back from our hols on Monday, by which time he will already be away until Thursday. Then he goes away the following Monday-Thursday.

So we won't be in the house much at the same time anyway.

I would like him gone, but to be fair he needs a bit of time to sort something out. Also he's going away for big comps that he's worked hard towards, it feels fair not to insist on the upheaval of leaving until they are finished.

The longer he sticks around, the more danger there is of you caving in and begging him to reconsider. And the more 'postponed' your chat with DS to tell him you're splitting up, so that line in the sand will remain undrawn. Presuming you are going to stop any domestic work that he benefits from (you are aren't you?) why would it be more upheaval for him if he's going to live at his mate's anyway? I do hope you're not going to be washing and ironing his stuff and cooking his meals while he fannies around trying to find somewhere to go?