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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Being with a man who you feel doesn't love you

95 replies

WhyWhyY · 28/05/2013 21:59

Hi mumsnetters, me again.

I'm having a really bad few days. Feeling very low, for the past few days my partner hasn't really talked at all to me. Usually he's very disinterested in me anyway but more so lately.

This morning I woke up early, got our daughter up and fed her, then went out to the shops to get him something nice for breakfast, which I duly made.

I then sorted out baby's feeds etc and played with babes. I then got ready for work.

In all that time my partner didnt talk to me once. Of course he replied to questions but didn't open his mouth to speak to me once.

I got ready, kissed my daughter and went to work. That's a normal day for us. It really feels like we go through the motions of a relationship, just without that binding factor of love. I feel very lonely all the time, and if it wasn't for my lovely daughter I wouldn't have anyone to hold or to talk to. Sure he talks sometimes, about his job, his friends, people he works with, his parents... but never about me.

He talks about how much my daughter loves his parents and how she smiles for them, he never talks about her and I. He always tells me about how interesting and intelligent his friends wives are (all foreign ladies, so very interesting) and I just feel so unworthy.

I really do feel like he must really not like me, deep down and is just stuck with me now. I don't understand how someone could be so disinterested and cold to another person unless that was the reason.

I'm sorry to always post such dull and sad topics for you all to read, it's just I'm home alone and I don't really have anyone else to talk to. I've just sat here with my dogs all night crying to myself and thought it might be good to write it all down.

yours sadly,
why why y

OP posts:

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 28/05/2013 22:19

Oh well, suppose that was the response i was expecting. goodnight.

OP posts:

Space2000 · 28/05/2013 22:19

I'm sorry you feel so low. IMO I think you should think about moving on and leaving with your daughter as you will find happiness with someone that treats you as you deserve.

Frostybean · 28/05/2013 22:20

Hi, so sorry to hear this. Where is your dp tonight? How long has he been/acted uninterested in you? Is he demonstrative of love/care in other ways? Does he know how you feel? Hopefully other people will be along shortly.

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 28/05/2013 22:23

hello sorry i missed your messages.
i probably really should think of leaving, it's very hard because i love him and i keep thinking that tomorrow will be better and that one day i'll get through to him.

he's at work tonight. he's generally nice enough to me and we share a house i only contribute a little to, because i only work part time. \so that shows love i think. But otherwise, no. He never touches me.

Its been going on for a long time, but at least since my daughter was born. He's always kissing her, or kissing his dog... but he never kisses me. I know he's capable of being loving, just not towards me.

OP posts:

Rulesgirl · 28/05/2013 22:23

You really havnt given people a chance to reply though, have you. And what you just said might make people not bother replying anyway. Sorry your feeling low.

Rulesgirl · 28/05/2013 22:24

Have you spoke to him about how you feel?

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 28/05/2013 22:25

I know I have been hard to live with, perhaps had a little PND (tiny, nothing compared to how some women suffer) and I get very stressed sometimes, but I try really, really hard to show him love. Apologise when I'm wrong, be kind and thoughtful, ask him about work.
I work, I contribute, I sort everything for my daughter and i try to help with housework too.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 28/05/2013 22:27

Sorry i thought 20 mins was a long time for mumsnet but i am only new.

i have, we have talked a lot. we've talked quietly and nicely and ive cried. ive raged. nothing has ever got through to him. There's just no substance to his actions etc.

You know the little things that some people do, touches, kind words, compliments or cuddles. I get none, not unless i force them on him.

OP posts:

ZZZenagain · 28/05/2013 22:28

when you talked to him, what did he say? Did he say he loved you and he wanted to be with you?

Rulesgirl · 28/05/2013 22:28

So what does he say when you tell him how you feel? If he doesn't kiss you and doesn't want to make love to you then something is definitely not ok.

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 28/05/2013 22:29

Oh yes, he loves me, he says.

But words are so easy. When there are no actions it's hard to believe them :(

OP posts:

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 28/05/2013 22:31

He only wants sex very infrequently. I used to get upset about that too, but now I give up. I think it's only a matter of time before I give up on the whole thing. It's such a shame as he used to be very nice to me, but that all stopped and now no matter how I try to make him see how it's making me feel, he just wont ever be the same man again.

OP posts:

MadBusLady · 28/05/2013 22:31

Oh this sounds miserable for you Why Don't worry about your posts, it IS depressing when you cry for help and no one seems to answer (or so you thought, but we are here!)

How long have you been together and what was he like in the early days? You must have believed that he loved you at some point?

ZZZenagain · 28/05/2013 22:32

When did it stop - when you were pregnant, when the baby was born?

Rulesgirl · 28/05/2013 22:33

Yes...how long have you been together.

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 28/05/2013 22:35

We haven't been together very long, only just over 2 years.

I thought that i had finally found someone who thought i was special, but that didnt last long and now i am back to feeling like the idiot in the room, the un noticed one.

for instance, if we go to see his parents, he'll be so excited to see them that he'll drop the door on me, like literally let the car door close in my face. he never shows me any affection in public, where he used to try to hold my hand and I was the one who baulked...
if his friends come over, i've come in from work and he and his friends ( a mate and his wife) just carry on talking and don't acknowledge me and then once I sit down with them, no-one speaks to me or includes me in the conversation. Then when they go, he says "gosh she is SOOO nice, isn't she?" and then proceeds to gush about her and how cultured she is because she's from France. As it happens I really like her, but really?! What am I then, just the help?!

OP posts:

ZZZenagain · 28/05/2013 22:37

this is not good

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 28/05/2013 22:38

He doesn't get into bed at night and kiss me, or get up and give me a kiss. Throughout the day he wont touch, cuddle, kiss me and then in the evening it's the same.
All the while I'm trying to sort things for us, cook dinner, look after my little girl... and i see couples sometimes and see the dads do kind things and wonder where I'm going wrong. Should i be something MORE? Could I act differently or do more? What do those ladies do that I cant to be worth being treated nicely? :(

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Original poster

WhyWhyY · 28/05/2013 22:39

I have to go to bed now because i dont want to be awake when he comes home, thank you for your replies i do really appreciate it and sorry i got upset with you all. I dont mean it. Just very frustrated. X

OP posts:

ZZZenagain · 28/05/2013 22:39

have you told him you miss those things?

Rulesgirl · 28/05/2013 22:43

Night night WhyWhyY talk tomorrow ok x

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 28/05/2013 22:53

Oh yes (hiding in bed on iPhone) I've told him. Sometimes he says it's hard to find time. I don't know how. Our little angel is worlds best behaved babes :(

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Original poster

WhyWhyY · 28/05/2013 22:54

Or other times he says he does kiss me/hug me/talk to me.
When I say, when then? He can never tell me when... Be side he doesn't.

OP posts:

Rulesgirl · 28/05/2013 22:58

can you still talk then?

Original poster

WhyWhyY · 28/05/2013 23:02

Yeah only nothing changes and we GOthrough cycles where I it up with it, then I have days like today where I feel so bloody angry that I have wasted my life on him.

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