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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being with a man who you feel doesn't love you

95 replies

WhyWhyY · 28/05/2013 21:59

Hi mumsnetters, me again.

I'm having a really bad few days. Feeling very low, for the past few days my partner hasn't really talked at all to me. Usually he's very disinterested in me anyway but more so lately.

This morning I woke up early, got our daughter up and fed her, then went out to the shops to get him something nice for breakfast, which I duly made.

I then sorted out baby's feeds etc and played with babes. I then got ready for work.

In all that time my partner didnt talk to me once. Of course he replied to questions but didn't open his mouth to speak to me once.

I got ready, kissed my daughter and went to work. That's a normal day for us. It really feels like we go through the motions of a relationship, just without that binding factor of love. I feel very lonely all the time, and if it wasn't for my lovely daughter I wouldn't have anyone to hold or to talk to. Sure he talks sometimes, about his job, his friends, people he works with, his parents... but never about me.

He talks about how much my daughter loves his parents and how she smiles for them, he never talks about her and I. He always tells me about how interesting and intelligent his friends wives are (all foreign ladies, so very interesting) and I just feel so unworthy.

I really do feel like he must really not like me, deep down and is just stuck with me now. I don't understand how someone could be so disinterested and cold to another person unless that was the reason.

I'm sorry to always post such dull and sad topics for you all to read, it's just I'm home alone and I don't really have anyone else to talk to. I've just sat here with my dogs all night crying to myself and thought it might be good to write it all down.

yours sadly,
why why y

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyWhyY · 29/05/2013 20:04

Thank you madbuslady, i will take a look in depth tonight

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyWhyY · 29/05/2013 20:04

I like the breeze - if I initiate it he'll cuddle til he can push me off, he'll kiss me if I tell him to (but its a peck)

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyWhyY · 29/05/2013 20:05

and he's british

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Original poster
WhyWhyY · 29/05/2013 20:08

Thanks stooshe, I dont think I even have it in me anymore to be overtly sexy with him. 80% of the time he'll giggle me off or tell me he's too tired (thats his stock excuse) which has left me in a state where I simply cannot be bothered. I am 14 years his junior and I will be honest and say I dont feel like I should have to beg for sexual attention off an older man.

If I ask him if he loves me he says yes and he says he cares for me.

Perhaps the real problem is, I had a baby with a man I thought I knew, too quickly. Now that the real man is on show, I don't like him.

OP posts:
Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 20:16

Do you think he is happy?

badinage · 29/05/2013 20:24

I'm sorry to say this, but I'd think it was a fairly significant possibility that he's involved elsewhere OP.

Original poster
WhyWhyY · 29/05/2013 20:28

No, I think he's just with me because of our daughter together.

The thought has crossed my mind, I dont know many men who'd treat someone they 'love' like this. I would never know for certain though, so it doesn't even really help to think about it.

OP posts:
SilveryMoon · 29/05/2013 20:32

Why I had to keep checking your name as I could have written every single one of your posts. Apart from the one about friends. My dp doesn't like people really and doesn't like to socialise.
I think our problem is that we are far too different. We want and need different things. Like you, I want to be loved, I want attention, care and affection. What I have is someone who I seriously think just doesn't give a fuck about anything.
Last night, a friend of mine had our dc's overnight. I literally had to drag him out of the door to go for dinner.
We ended up in Nando's. For 35mins and then we came home and sat on separate sofa's watching tv until I fell asleep.
That is our life, the tv on, us sitting separately and me falling asleep on the sofa. He then goes to bed and leaves me there (but that's because I kept calling him a cunt when he woke me Blush)
I do love him, but I don't think I'm in love with him.
If I try to sit next to him and snuggle he asks me what I'm doing and then says he's too hot and he moves.
I can't even be arsed to make much more effort at the moment. Like you, it goes in cycles.
I can't give advice, but was such a relief to read your post, that I thought I'd share also.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 20:32

He comes across to me as quite a cold fish.
But then you posted about how excited he gets going to his parents and when a couple of friends come over.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 20:34

Bit of a x post with SilveryMoon

badinage · 29/05/2013 20:36

Look sometimes it helps to know there's someone else, because then at least it's not personal.

But it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that you don't feel loved and you are unhappy.

Those are good enough reasons to end the relationship and stop the rot.

Original poster
WhyWhyY · 29/05/2013 20:38

Hi Silverymoon. Thanks for your post, it is somehow heartenning to hear someone else feeling similar.
I have only one close friend who knows our problems and she sometimes says "well it was going so well" and I thought about that and realised it only seems like it's going well when I am so engrossed in other things OR I am ignoring his dispassionate attitude towards me. It never actually gets better.

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Original poster
WhyWhyY · 29/05/2013 20:39

I agree, he is cold in every way towards me, but to others he is really very nice and I see glimmers of how he used to act towards me. Then it is just us together and he'll simply get into bed and go to sleep. etc etc etc

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Original poster
WhyWhyY · 29/05/2013 20:40

I can understand that Badinage, but I'd never be able to catch him at it, if he was :(

I told him today, that i sat and cried all night last night. He didn't say anything.

OP posts:
SilveryMoon · 29/05/2013 20:42

All of my friends tell me it's clear that he adores me, but I don't really see how. Think they just say it to say something when I'm moaning you know?
He never kisses me, even when we have sex, we don't kiss. He doesn't hold my hand, he tells me he doesn't like to go out with me because when I have a drink I get soppy and unnecessary, when all I do is touch his leg or squeeze his arm, give him a quick peck to let him know I'm not ignoring him. It's my friends we go out with if we do, and I have to force him. Usually I leave him at home, so I don't go out often as feel guilty, but I think I'll change that. I love people, I love to go out, to talk, to dance, to laugh and I have really reigned that in because he doesn't like it.

badinage · 29/05/2013 20:43

You don't need to catch him. Although I'm puzzled why you think he'd be such an ace liar that he'd evade detection. His interest in other women is pretty damned obvious from what you've said.

All you need to do it to accept that he doesn't love you and that he's making you unhappy.

Then end it.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 20:45

WhyWhyY
Do you think he is holding something against you?
Or a grudge?

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 20:46

badinage. You often seem to bring up that the man must be having an affair.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 20:48

SilveryMoon. It may be that your situation is different to WhyWhyY.
Yours may be, just may be because he is inherently like that?
Some people are.
May it be best for you to start a different thread, so you can give more detail?

Original poster
WhyWhyY · 29/05/2013 20:51

Well i couldn't follow him, I always have a baby with me! He knows full well it's not like i can go finding out if he's actually in work etc.
He has a work mobile which is locked and he wont tell me the password to, flat out will not, he says there's confidential things on it (which there may be) and when he is in work, there's no way of me actually knowing whether he's there or not tbh.

I do think he is holding something against me, he bought me a show dog as a joint interest. Shortly after I left my job and couldn't get a new one, then I was pregnant so no-one would employ me and only now I have taken over the financial care of this dog. i believe he holds is against me that i couldn't get a job.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyWhyY · 29/05/2013 20:52

Oh and like you silvery, my partner doesn't go out with me. Nor will be drink with me.

OP posts:
SilveryMoon · 29/05/2013 20:57

Yes breeze I do think it is just because this is the way dp is, so may be different from why's situation. Just wanted to share with her that she is not the only one who feels she is in a loveless relationship, no matter the reason.

Why it does sound odd that he hides stuff like his phone etc. And if your instinct tells you there's something like that going on, there'll be a reason you're feeling like that.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 20:57

WWY.I think you need to try and unlock the things he may be holding against you.
I dont think you have much to lose tbh. But you have to make that decision.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 20:58

Fair enough SilveryMoon. Good idea.

badinage · 29/05/2013 21:00

badinage. You often seem to bring up that the man must be having an affair.

I probably do on here, but that's because the same behaviour that gets described on numerous threads turns out to be caused by an affair and because infidelity is actually a very commonplace occurrence.

Especially with people who have password locks on their phones, rave about other women, don't want sex or affection from their partners and couldn't care less if they are distressed or sad.

But it doesn't matter. What matters is that the relationship has been destroyed and it needs to end, for everyone's sake.

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