Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being with a man who you feel doesn't love you

95 replies

WhyWhyY · 28/05/2013 21:59

Hi mumsnetters, me again.

I'm having a really bad few days. Feeling very low, for the past few days my partner hasn't really talked at all to me. Usually he's very disinterested in me anyway but more so lately.

This morning I woke up early, got our daughter up and fed her, then went out to the shops to get him something nice for breakfast, which I duly made.

I then sorted out baby's feeds etc and played with babes. I then got ready for work.

In all that time my partner didnt talk to me once. Of course he replied to questions but didn't open his mouth to speak to me once.

I got ready, kissed my daughter and went to work. That's a normal day for us. It really feels like we go through the motions of a relationship, just without that binding factor of love. I feel very lonely all the time, and if it wasn't for my lovely daughter I wouldn't have anyone to hold or to talk to. Sure he talks sometimes, about his job, his friends, people he works with, his parents... but never about me.

He talks about how much my daughter loves his parents and how she smiles for them, he never talks about her and I. He always tells me about how interesting and intelligent his friends wives are (all foreign ladies, so very interesting) and I just feel so unworthy.

I really do feel like he must really not like me, deep down and is just stuck with me now. I don't understand how someone could be so disinterested and cold to another person unless that was the reason.

I'm sorry to always post such dull and sad topics for you all to read, it's just I'm home alone and I don't really have anyone else to talk to. I've just sat here with my dogs all night crying to myself and thought it might be good to write it all down.

yours sadly,
why why y

OP posts:
Rulesgirl · 28/05/2013 23:05

Ok. Well it seems he takes you totally for granted and although he says he loves you he doesn't seem "in love" with you .

Rulesgirl · 28/05/2013 23:06

It would seem he just doesn't see you as a sexy attractive interesting woman anymore.

Original poster
WhyWhyY · 28/05/2013 23:08

I agree. I I don't think there is actually much I could do now to change that. It makes me really sad.

OP posts:
Rulesgirl · 28/05/2013 23:10

So you can either re invent yourself a bit and MAKE him take notice or keep things the way they are or leave and start a new life. But I would be going for the first choice myself then you will at least have tried everything. Maybe it will do you some good as well. Instead of being the good wife etc maybe you need to do the opposite . Stop being so friendly and available all the time. Stop making him breakfast. Go out by yourself and join a evening class or something. Make him stand up and take notice of you again. Sometimes we women lose ourselves a little when we have children.

Rulesgirl · 28/05/2013 23:12

O there are plenty of things you can do.

lemonstartree · 28/05/2013 23:13

you say 'MY daughter' a lot; is she not 'OUR daughter' ?

is this an issue ?

Original poster
WhyWhyY · 29/05/2013 08:09

No, just using the wrong phrase I guess

As for doing my own thing, I do try to. I compete with my dogs and I'm out about 3/4 times a week with them. I recently changed the colour of my hair and lost all my baby weight but that hasn't worked.
The thing is, I'm eorried once I don't care any more then ill just want to walk away anyway

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2013 08:19

Have you told him that the relationship is bad enough to make you think of leaving?

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 29/05/2013 08:29

Tell him to fuck off. Seriously.

You are missing out on love, affection, kindness, intimacy, conversation, laughter etc etc etc

Why should you?

fedupofnamechanging · 29/05/2013 08:42

The problem is with him, not with anything you are doing. You sound lovely and he sounds like a cruel twat!

I think you need to start plotting your escape - get your finances on order and prepare for a life where he does not get to make you miserable on a daily basis.

Paying for the house does not equal love from him - he does that because you work part time, and so he has to. You are doing your share by doing the child care when you are not at work.

He doesn't love you and you deserve to have that in a relationship - everyone does.

You don't want your child to grow up thinking this is normal, so I think you have to get away.

In the meantime, stop doing everything for him - he tales it for granted and you ate not his maid. The ungrateful bastard can make his own breakfast!

patienceisvirtuous · 29/05/2013 08:47

This sounds totally miserable and your self esteem will be in shreds.

I agree you need to plan to leave. You deserve a relationship where you are loved and feel special. Don't settle for this.

SheerWill · 29/05/2013 08:57

I was you just over a year ago. My stbxh sounds exactly like your partner. This is not your fault. There is nothing you can do to make him be a better person. You deserve more than he can offer. My marriage ended valentines day last year and I went through a really bad time, but I now have a lovely dp, who is so loving and kind. I feel like pinching myself, because it was so different not all that long ago. Stbxh also has a new partner and I feel I want to warn her - but she wont listen so I'll say nothing. He was lovely at the beginning, but soon withdrew any kind of affection - blaming it on me. DS has never been happier because neither have I - this sets a good example to him that I'm worth the love, care and affection dp is willing to give and shows him how to be a real man.

Original poster
WhyWhyY · 29/05/2013 09:34

Yes I have told him. He doesn't ever change.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyWhyY · 29/05/2013 09:38

Thank you all for your replies. He worked til 11pm last night which of course earns him a lie in, so I've done everything for babes again this morning, which isn't bad because she does deserve it :) he's got up and is now watching television.

I know I do need to leave, but I look around the two bedroom houses and feel very sad for my little girl. They seem very l

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyWhyY · 29/05/2013 09:39

Lonely. My boyfriend owns a big house and big garden and I couldn't give her anything so nice.
Plus, how could I do it, only working part time and having little savings? :(

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 29/05/2013 09:40

Well, if you've told him how serious this is for you, and he still can't be bothered, you're running out of options. Have you suggested counselling? His response to that suggestion would probably tell you a lot.

Don't be afraid if you find yourself caring less and less - he's done that, not you. Why should you keep pining for someone who plainly doesn't give a shit?

MadBusLady · 29/05/2013 09:43

x-post. The financial side you can get advice on. Are you in the UK? Something you said made me think you might not be, sorry if I am getting confused.

And don't feel sad for your DD - she has you and all the love and attention and fun you give her. That's what will make her flourish, not a big house and garden.

SheerWill · 29/05/2013 09:53

You do give your dd the best things she could ever want, love, patience, time - she wont care how big the garden is or how many rooms her house has. We've moved to a much smaller house and it's lovely. Do this for yourself and you'll be doing it for her too!

Original poster
WhyWhyY · 29/05/2013 15:23

where can I start?!

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 29/05/2013 15:59

This useful post is by an MNer and has links to lots of information. A lot of the divorce stuff will not be applicable to you, but see in particular the Finance section, which has links to various useful benefit calculators.

This is Mumsnet's own page of links on separation and divorce, which has some good sections on couples counselling if you do think that would be worth a try. Also see the section on your housing rights which covers all the scenarios, married/unmarried, renting/owned etc. As far as I know this is all applicable to England and Wales only.

Useful advice organizations with helplines and loads of helpsheets on their websites are Gingerbread (charity for single parents), and the Citizens Advice Bureau.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 16:12

So sorry you are in this situation.
What happens when you initiate the physical side of things?
Even just cuddles etc?

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 16:12

Which nationality is he?

stooshe · 29/05/2013 16:43

I was in your position this time last year. I tried to do the right thing (against my nature) and stick out the withdrawal of affection, lack of intimacy and sex. I've got one of those minds that despite my not wanting it to (sometimes) it comes to the logical, rational conclusion. My ex partner was having an affair and had another couple of women in varying stages of seduction. You have only been together a couple of years and the passion has gone already? That was a big sign for me. We may intellectualise and say that sex goes through ebbs and flows, but on a primal, basic level we know that if sex was previously in great supply and then dwindles over such a short period of time, other forms of intimacy and talking should still be on point if only for the sex to have some kind of "jump off point" from. You are running out of options (you can't get blood out of a stone). Your partner's apparent lack of concern for you (not getting you involved with conversations in you home with friends) should be an issue. That is just disrespect. Try "sexing" things up a little, if only for you to see what is what ( within the basis that you actually DO want sex, not to trick your partner). If he does not respond, do the intellectual thing and find out if his "mood" is affecting his sexuality. If nothing comes off this then I think that you already know what to do. However try the the above before you make a decision. Controlling men and women do tend to throw in the faces of those who they have neglected what they never contributed to the benefit of a broken relationship. I do feel that trying the sexy sexy and "is there anything wrong in your life affecting your need for sex and intimacy" steps are the least (and most you can do that will not have you subjugating yourself). You know why you are unhappy. You just have to make a decision as to what you want if he rejects your initiation of sex or help.

elinorbellowed · 29/05/2013 16:54

I don't think OP should be trying to be 'sexy' towards a man that won't even give her the common courtesy of a discussion or a kiss each day.
OP, what does he say when you ask him if he loves you/cares about you?

unapologetic · 29/05/2013 19:31

stooshe I don't think I understand anything you are saying.