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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just been called fat and ugly and a failure by DH.

70 replies

MrsLunch · 28/05/2013 21:01

Just had enormous row with DH so probably not best time to chat but feel so upset that I have cut most of my hair off! I had some pudding in the fridge left over from a party on Saturday and had the temerity to eat it. I got home from picking DS up from friends to be greeted with slap arsed face from DH and lecture about eating. This spiralled into name calling and being told the most vile things about myself. I am distraught and do not know what to do? This goes on a lot as he is very unhappy with my weight (I am obese) and gets angry when he cannot control my eating. Should I just cut my losses and go?

First posted this in AIBU but was advised to repost here so thanks to those who have already answered.

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 28/05/2013 21:02

He sounds like a twunt that you'd be better off without.

JazzAnnNonMouse · 28/05/2013 21:03

I have no advice but this sounds horrible.

I wish you all the best in the future x

usualsuspect · 28/05/2013 21:05

I think you need to get away from him asap.

InsanelyBrainDeprived · 28/05/2013 21:06

Doesn't sound very supportive. Why has he got issues with your eating habits/weight? Have you asked him to nag you with regards to a diet? Even so that's harsh

AnyFucker · 28/05/2013 21:08

And you are going to stick around for more of this abuse ? Why would you do that ?

Eat a packet of crisps in his face while you tell him to fuck right off. Permanently.

tribpot · 28/05/2013 21:09

gets angry when he cannot control my eating

He cannot control your eating because you are another adult human being.

He could choose to be concerned about your weight, supportive about your approach to dealing with it, and let you know that he loves you. But he chose not to do any of those things.

Have you just (like, this evening) cut off your hair? When I've seen friends do this it tends to be a sign of extreme distress. I don't think you should underplay how bad this character attack has made you feel.

Original poster
MrsLunch · 28/05/2013 21:09

I am 57 and have dieted most of my life. After losing 5 stone on LighterLife and putting it back on again, I decided that I would just love myself and my size and get on with life. DH had two stents put in six years ago and ever since has been on a very rigid diet and watches what everyone eats like a hawk. Think his heart problems were brought on by smoking when he was younger, something I have never done so at least one less thing to store up trouble in the future.

OP posts:
Redlocks30 · 28/05/2013 21:09

Did you call him horrid names too?

ouryve · 28/05/2013 21:11

Should I just cut my losses and go?

Hell, yes.

He's an abusive, controlling twatwaffle.

KatherineLacey · 28/05/2013 21:11

Giving him the benefit of the doubt that he is not in fact an out-and-out bellend (which is what it sounds like tbh...)

Some people think that they are 'helping' someone if they point out things they're doing wrong but it's usually totally counter-productive. Maybe he needs someone to explain to him that the way to help someone to lose weight (if they want to) is to be supportive and do everything they can to help them (e.g. buying and cooking healthy food for you both) rather than just criticising like a bastard which is just going to make someone feel even worse and not encourage them to treat themselves well.

How do you react when he speaks to you like that? When was the first time he did it?

Also, how do you feel about your weight? Does it bother you or not? Either way, he is really not helping you and it is NEVER acceptable to just cruelly insult your partner, ever.

SlowJinn · 28/05/2013 21:11

He's unhappy about your weight? It's not really his problem is it?

Is he unhappy from a welfare point of view though, is it because he is concerned about your general health? Or is he just a manipulative bully who knows exactly what to say to cause the most hurt?

Sort your weight out when you are ready to do so, it's your body. There's a lot of support out there for you if you do want to lose weight, but that is your decision, no-one else's.

Don't let this man get away with calling you names and making you so upset.

What is your relationship like in general? Is it worth repairing?

itsn0tmeitsyou · 28/05/2013 21:11

Some people think they are being helpful trying to tell you what to eat. My parents did it, with the best intentions, but to no avail. I lost weight on my own, as soon as I left home at 18. I have put a lot back on now I have had three DCs and am 35, and my DP has a tendency to try to interfere a bit, but I have told him clearly that it makes me want to eat more not less when he makes it obvious he'd rather I lost weight, and I get on with dieting when I want to. Have you spoken to your DH about this when you are both calm and relaxed?

You don't go into any detail about what he said, but if it's that horrible it sounds like it's not just about your weight.

Original poster
MrsLunch · 28/05/2013 21:13

He tells me I am sick in the head and out of control - I am on anti depressants (have been for about 14 years now) and have recently had CBT to help with my reactions to these sort of arguments. We have two children, one girl 20 and at Uni, and one boy 14 and in house with me so not good he hears all this. My mother also lives in house attached to us and I have always stopped short of leaving him because it would uproot her from a place she dearly loves. Sorry to burble on but it helps to write it down and it is here or FB!

OP posts:
KatherineLacey · 28/05/2013 21:15

I think he is making you miserable and exacerbating, if not CAUSING, your mental health problems.

KatherineLacey · 28/05/2013 21:16

And I don't think your mother's house is as important as your happiness, wellbeing and mental health. And I'm sure she doesn't either. Does she know how he treats you?

Original poster
MrsLunch · 28/05/2013 21:16

Yes, I am afraid I did tell him that being fat and old and ugly was not just my perogative - he was old and ugly and had bad teeth etc but that was growing old together - accepting the person as they are not what you want them to be. He then told me I was out of control at which point I did fly at him and then went into kitchen and hacked off all my hair.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsLunch · 28/05/2013 21:17

My mother is all too aware of what happens as I often go round there in tears after one of these sessions. She is 85 so I feel guilty burdening her with all this.

OP posts:
itsn0tmeitsyou · 28/05/2013 21:18

I agree with PP, sounds like he's the root of your anxiety/depression

InsanelyBrainDeprived · 28/05/2013 21:18

If I was you I would ask him to give you some head space and whilst he does that have a good long think about how he's treating you.

Give him a shock, it will go one of two ways.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2013 21:19

This is very unhealthy.

I am Shock that either of you would subject a vulnerable teenage boy to such a fuck up of a relationship model

This is waaaay past something that can be helped. The best thing you could do is ask him to leave.

SlowJinn · 28/05/2013 21:26

For the sake of your sanity, your teenage son and your elderly mother, you need a break from this toxic man. He'll have to leave, you can't uproot your mother and your child. Get some legal advice and get shot of him.

Is there a friend you can call who can come round and tidy up your hair?

KatherineLacey · 28/05/2013 21:32

The general rule is that legally you can't kick your spouse out of the marital home. However, there are probably exceptions - def get some legal advice (maybe CAB if you can't get a family law solicitor). Or, if you can just get him out by telling him to leave then do, but he sounds like the sort who won't go easily...

Ledkr · 28/05/2013 21:34

If you are cutting off your hair in distress then I'd suggest you are completely at the end of your tether.
Fat people can be beautiful and intelligent and everything a thin person can be.
If you felt happier the weight would start to come off.
Bit lighthearted now but I lost 3 stones when I finally booted out my xh.
Every cloud n all that xx

Original poster
MrsLunch · 28/05/2013 21:36

Thank you all - have been down road of consulting divorce lawyers before but now am out of work (which he also throws in my face) and cannot afford solicitors' fees. CAB a good idea. The easiest option would to be to put house on market, give him his share and then we could go our separate ways.

OP posts:
curryeater · 28/05/2013 21:40

"have recently had CBT to help with my reactions to these sort of arguments."
WHAT? so the problem according to - whom? - is how you react to these arguments and the solution is to train you not to mind?

Big hugs to you OP. I wish you were here, I have some lovely posh snippy hair scissors and I would tidy your hair up into something cute or chic. Get a good night's sleep if you can, look after yourself, book a hair cut in the morning and have something lovely for breakfast. Oh, and LTB xxx

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