Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just been called fat and ugly and a failure by DH.

70 replies

MrsLunch · 28/05/2013 21:01

Just had enormous row with DH so probably not best time to chat but feel so upset that I have cut most of my hair off! I had some pudding in the fridge left over from a party on Saturday and had the temerity to eat it. I got home from picking DS up from friends to be greeted with slap arsed face from DH and lecture about eating. This spiralled into name calling and being told the most vile things about myself. I am distraught and do not know what to do? This goes on a lot as he is very unhappy with my weight (I am obese) and gets angry when he cannot control my eating. Should I just cut my losses and go?

First posted this in AIBU but was advised to repost here so thanks to those who have already answered.

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 28/05/2013 21:41

MrsLunch I almost never post on Relationship threads but this is really something else. I really feel for you. I can only tell you that at 57 you could have another 40 years or more of your life to live...why waste it with a horrible creature like this man?

No wonder you comfort eat! CAB will help you as will the Mumsnetters in the Legal boards here....they are great actually.

You do not need this. You're in the middle of your life and could be having a bloody great time eating pudding without being hassled! You have the right to be free and happy and not be treated like this.

KatherineLacey · 28/05/2013 21:43

I don't think you have to pay solicitors until the divorce is finalised, at which point it will come out of the settlement. You should ask that in the Legal section because there are family law solicitors there and they will know. But lots of women who don't work get divorced so it must be possible

tribpot · 28/05/2013 21:53

Is the hair cutting the kind of self-punishing your CBT was meant to be helping with? I feel your mind is screaming at you and you're trying to ignore it what it's telling you - that this person is intent on destroying your self-esteem in order to make himself feel better about his own health problems. How was he before the stents went in? Not a complete charmer, is my guess.

Original poster
MrsLunch · 28/05/2013 22:02

Have posted on Legal page - thank you all for comments. Feeling calmer now but still bruised (emotionally not physically). And so worried about message it gives my teenage son. Daughter was text by him and she has just called me from Uni. Makes me feel such a shit mother though both say they love me. Am feeling very cold now without hair!

OP posts:
ecclesvet · 28/05/2013 22:03

"at which point I did fly at him"

Do you mean you attacked him?

KatherineLacey · 28/05/2013 22:03

As the weather is so shit, I reckon you could get away with a hat. :)

Original poster
MrsLunch · 28/05/2013 22:06

I slapped him. Isn't that terrible? And of course proved that I WAS completely out of control, having been needled so much. The CBT was to help me understand why I react the way I do to criticism - it is when I feel unloved that I let rip but difficult to tell oneself you are loved when you are called names. Have managed to keep calm for some time now in face of moods but tonight I was tired and not prepared to take any prisoners.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/05/2013 22:21

When you are being needled into reacting violently, then it is game over

KatherineLacey · 28/05/2013 22:24

Of course it isn't OK to slap someone, but it sounds like he was trying to provoke you so he could tell you that you were 'mental'. I think it's justifiable loss of control.

ThenWeTakeBerlin · 28/05/2013 22:30

I don't have any advice, just want to offer support and say this man is an abuser. You don't deserve this treatment.

The description of you cutting your hair sounds quite alarming, I hope you can get some RL support x

Theyoniwayisnorthwards · 28/05/2013 22:33

Imagine if this was a man posting. Jesus. You can't hit your spouse and then call them abusive.

I am sorry you are feeling so low, it sounds to me like you are not able to control yourself and you need to figure out why. I would think about therapy for you as an individual and for you both as a couple if you have intention of staying together.

Your insight into how your behaviour is affecting your Mother is positive. I suspect it also affects your son. Please get help.

lemonstartree · 28/05/2013 23:23

i'm sorry AF; but NO-ONE would accept a MAN saying he was 'needled' in to being violent

I agree that if your relationship has deteriorated to the point that you both feel so angry that normal barriers to civilized behavior have broken down you need to separate.

If you are obese, maybe you DO need to look at your eating patterns - but because you want to, not because you are bullied of humiliated into it.....

AnyFucker · 28/05/2013 23:35

lemon I am saying this relationship is now untenable

I am not excusing violence...from any gender

what I am highlighting is that this bloke is needling and Op is responding with violence (all witnessed by a suggestible teenager)

nowhere have I said it is ok

Op should end her relationship, and do it immediately

Sh1ney · 28/05/2013 23:56

I think this is terrible that your 14 year old is witnessing this madness. What must he thin? You hacking off your hair, his father calling you names, you slapping him.

Madness. And really damaging for him.

You need to get your husband to leave.

Sh1ney · 28/05/2013 23:56

*think

Original poster
MrsLunch · 29/05/2013 11:33

Thanks for all your comments which I have taken on board. Please do not think I do not understand my part in all this and how shameful it is to physically hit my husband, however provoked, because it is a sign of defeat and loss of control. We have a fragile truce this morning. I am bald. Our son, thankfully, did NOT witness the hair cutting or slapping but would've heard the argument so no excuses. He just said to me this morning, on witnessing the hair cut, "Smooth move Mum". It is madness and we both know that but seem trapped in this endless cycle. I am very carefully considering my options, starting with a hat.

OP posts:
TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 29/05/2013 11:34

Glad to see you have posted on here OP. x

Lweji · 29/05/2013 11:41

I agree with the others saying that you should split up.
Your husband should agree to this, if he cares about you and his children.
If not, then definitely go the way of divorce to get him out of the house.
I think you should talk with your gp to get a referral to MH, as this is not healthy for you, and may help your case in needing separate homes.

OctopusPete8 · 29/05/2013 12:09

You cut off your hair? Shock

what are you going to do now ? I don't think I could stay with someone who called me cruel names.

Sh1ney · 29/05/2013 18:32

It may be beneficial for you to see a doctor or a counsellor because its not normal to hack off your hair and make yourself bald in response to an argument.

EleanorFarjeon · 29/05/2013 18:39

It all sounds very unhealthy. Think of your kids.

garlicgrump · 29/05/2013 19:05

Oops, I'm still posting on your other thread. Fwiw, your husband is a bully and you shouldn't listen to all the woman-hating twats who feel you should kowtow with good grace!

Also fwiw, it is usual for abuse targets to react abusively when pushed. I've done it. I'm not proud of it, but do understand how that happens and don't feel particularly bad about it. Since divorcing, I haven't 'raged' once and am confident I never will again (except on purpose - it can be useful!)

Bit of a hug for you.

flippinada · 29/05/2013 19:29

MrsLunch I saw your original thread in . AIBU and I'm so glad you've started another one here where you've had some decent advice and support. FWIW I agree with others that getting your husband to leave would be the best course of action but I do accept it's not that easy.

Lashing out after being goaded by an abuser is not great but it is certainly not "equal" to or as bad as years of bullying and abuse, which it sounds like you've been subject to (Lundy Bancroft talks about this).

unapologetic · 29/05/2013 19:43

It is a very extreme reaction to hack your hair off. I am shocked.

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 29/05/2013 21:38

It sounds like an unhealthy relationship. The fact that you think it's not too bad for your DS because he only heard the row and didn't see it, is a shame.

It can feel very difficult to leave, but it might make you happier.

Swipe left for the next trending thread