Just been called fat and ugly and a failure by DH.

[MrsLunch]

Just had enormous row with DH so probably not best time to chat but feel so upset that I have cut most of my hair off! I had some pudding in the fridge left over from a party on Saturday and had the temerity to eat it. I got home from picking DS up from friends to be greeted with slap arsed face from DH and lecture about eating. This spiralled into name calling and being told the most vile things about myself. I am distraught and do not know what to do? This goes on a lot as he is very unhappy with my weight (I am obese) and gets angry when he cannot control my eating. Should I just cut my losses and go?

First posted this in AIBU but was advised to repost here so thanks to those who have already answered.

Oh op, really, this man is no good for you. Please seek legal advice about how you can move on from this. Once you get the ball rolling you'll feel so much better about yourself. Life is too short to be trapped and unhappy. Big hugs to you.

Does your hair look good? Had you been thinking about cutting it and suddenly felt inspired to do it in the heat of the moment? Or was it a self mutilating act in response to being called ugly?

You say that you've been doing CBT to see why you react like this to criticism. If it were me I'd think that if this is how I react to his criticism then I need to leave if I don't think he will stop criticising me.

If your problem with being criticised is more general you can then work on that within the safely of a calmer family life.

OP, I posted on your other thread. Please don't think ill of yourself because you slapped him, I think anyone would lash out when verbally assaulted like that. You don't need him, you really don't.

As I said on the previous thread, I stuck around in a relationship like this too long in which weight was used as a topic for emotional abuse, among other things, I ended up anorexic. Get out now, it's really not worth it. Unless you're so morbidly obese he's having to care for you 24/7, he has no business making such horrible comments. Even then he'd be going the wrong way about it. This isn't the sort of relationship you want to be in, you deserve far better than this.

How have things been with him today?

OP you are NOT trapped. You have options. Can you call Women's Aid? They are there for women who need help. Would he leave? Can you leave? Give your son a big hug.

I think I cut my hair off in an effort to show how distressing I found his remarks and, maybe, subconsciously because it would upset him and render me as ugly as he thinks I am. He refuses to take any responsibility, his usual mode, and expects everything to be back to normal. My hair is a constant reminder that it cannot be. He is talking about going to London and working up there during the week. I keep hearing "ugly", "fat", "failure" ringing in my ears. He wants me to go to GP but I feel if he is unwilling to change then whatever behaviour patterns I change will not be of any use. I am always the one who goes to the GP for therapy sessions. If he does not change his controlling attitude what is the point? Then he gets angry again because I am not willing to let this matter go and the cycle repeats itself.

I inadvertently "hid" the AIBU thread so only caught up with the posts on there last night. Some interesting views. I should've put this topic under relationships in the first place and, as it seemed pointless to be running two on the same subject, that is why I asked for the AIBU one to be removed.

My ex husband used those exact words to me, he also said no-one else would ever want me. It was damaging for me and for our 3 children so I kicked him out, lost the weight, divorced him and ended up married to his best friend and boss. We have been happily married for 18 years. The kids decided to stop seeing him after years of being let down and lied to and all changed their surname. He has twin grandsons that don't know him and he is living with a woman twice the size that I ever was. Karma is a wonderful thing!
Good Luck OP, there is life after idiots like him.

I think that he calls you a failure, or makes you feel you are a failure is hideous of him. I don't condone that you slapped him. As others have said, it is better to separate.
it's hard to do the practical things, but not impossible. I have pretended to be someone else's PA just to get on with it. I'm sure you are very capable, especially as you are running around doing all the "changing", so it may help you to look at this as your job for now. The fact you constantly have to work on yourself to change, and it never seems to be good enough for him, is good enough reason to walk away.
If you feel you are loosing your marbles during these arguments it's likely because you never can be "right", and that is very difficult when it goes on for years. You start feeling so lost. I hope now that your hair is gone you can draw the strenght from that. like you say it is a stark reminder that things are not ok, I hope you can use it as a constant reminder for you to move forward for a better life.

Surely a physically violent response can never be justified? I was shocked to read on this thread a number on people supporting the OP slapping her husband on the grounds that he was 'needling' her. For example one person posted
'Please don't think ill of yourself because you slapped him, I think anyone would lash out when verbally assaulted like that'
There is a danger that these double standards normalise violence within a relationship.
I have added this same response to a poster who felt that her husband was trying to excuse a one off act of violence. In my opinion it is totally inappropriate to justify it on the grounds that either the husband or the wife 'deserved' a slap.

Surely a physically violent response can never be justified?

It can't be justified unless it's self-defence, no.

I have posted that, while I'm not proud of doing it, I don't think badly of myself for it and have never done it since ending the marriage. The whole topic is complicated (to me, anyway, since I know so much about it now!) but, in summary, constant verbal assault is violence. Over time, it can feel like a threat to the target's very existence.

In this thread, OP has demonstrated this by self-harming in a way that historically symbolises loss of identity. It suggests she felt her husband aimed to annihilate her 'self'. If you look at the Wikipedia definition of verbal abuse, you'll see the abuser fears their partner's independent existence and wishes to wipe that out of them, as it were. So, while words are the weapon, the battle is about emotional survival. For the abuser, there can only be one winner.

Feeling one's existence is under threat, one instinctively employs measures to stop the attack. A slap isn't the most effective response in this case, but it is a common one. If one was slapped to be quiet in childhood, for example, it's an embedded reaction done without thinking.

I learned far more effective means to stop the abuse. All of them amount, ultimately, to neutralising the relationship - to stop giving the tiniest shit about what's going on in the attacker's head. Once you stop caring, of course, you will survive and the relationship's over bar the paperwork.

It's quite a big step to take, MrsLunch, emotionally and psychologically, but it's the only one that'll save you.

I think you are trying to justify the use of violence. I think this is common in cases of domestic violence. The OP does not say it was carried out in self defence but because she objected to his description of her appearance. He was angry because she was overeating (having has two stents fitted himself), 'he is very unhappy with my weight (I am obese) and gets angry when he cannot control my eating'. The original post on AIBU attracted a number of posts about the dangers of obesity and so the OP had the post moved to Relationships. Whilst name calling of this nature is childish and wrong it cannot be compared to physical violence, particularly in this case. In any legal situation physical assault is always punished more severely than name calling.I think you are trying to justify 'lashing out'. It is not justifiable in this case.

disliker clearly you know nothing about the dynamics of domestic violence. It's not just about physical abuse.

disliker
I thought that the government were changing the laws relating to domestic violence to explicitly cover verbal abuse and controlling behaviour because they are so serious and damaging. Is a persons mental health really less important than their physical health?

Surely a physically violent response can never be justified?

"It can't be justified unless it's self-defence, no. while I'm not proud of doing it, I don't think badly of myself for it and have never done it since ending the marriage"

Garlicgrump - what would you say to a man who posted those words?

And, for that matter, all those who have talked about 'needling' and provocation.

Have you ever had that kind of empathy/understanding for a man who has talked about using physical violence towards his partner?

lemon
If a man said he exploded once after continual putdowns and verbal abuse and slapped his female partner once before rushing into a different room and cutting his hair off I would view it differently to a partner of either sex who used violence or the threat of violence to control their partner through fear.

In neither case is the violence acceptable but I would view the two scenarios differently.

OP There has been a lot of support for you on here and lots of analysis of your husband's behavior. But in my view the real issue is not his psychology but your own.
You need to start taking care of yourself and trying to understand why you overeat to the point of obesity, which is a health hazard, and why you have spent 14 years on ADs. Why have you stayed in such an unhappy relationship?
Cutting off your hair in response to his bad behaviour is self-mutilation and seriously damaging.
His own health problems and inability to enjoy food may have an impact on his attitude to you. This is not to excuse his behaviour but you seem to be trapped in a mutually destructive cycle. Please get some help for yourself, then you can decide what to do about your marriage.

dislikerofprejudice FYI I had the topic moved to Relationships very early on as it was deemed to be more appropriate there. I did not have it removed from AIBU because of ANY of the comments, just because it seemed pointless having two threads running at the same time, splitting the responses.

You sound very frustrated and unhappy OP. You don't say much about your DH, apart from the fact that he bullies you. Is he happy with his life? Are you apart all day as you both work? Does he have a good relationship with your DS?

Is having your elderly mother living next door putting further demands on your time or is it a benefit having her there.

OP, did your H give you a reason why he wants to stay in London during the week and. Only be with you at the weekend? Has he always put you down like this or can you pinpoint a time when his attitude started to change? x

Lemon - What Chaz said.

The partner wishing to control the other is the husband. In her OP, MrsLunch says he gets angry when he can't control her eating. The weapon he uses to control his wife is verbal assault. It is not "less worse" than physical assault. Most survivors of physical abuse say the emotional-psychological injuries do more harm (physical abuse is always preceded & accompanied by the other kind.)