At what age did you meet your spouse..? Feeling hopeless and lonely.

[AllegraLilac]

Brutal honesty time... Decided not to name change.

I'm in my early 20s. I have had two boyfriends and plenty of male attention.

My first boyfriend and I were together from the age of 15 until 19, and he was abusive the entire time. I got out after four years, a bruised, tortured, depressed shadow of who I used to be.

It took me years to recover. I forced myself back on the dating horse, and dated casually, but never managed to trust anybody with my heart or my body. Thus none of these relationships lasted long enough to even be called relationships, though I did make some good friends and my confidence slowly returned.

2 and a half years after getting out of my abusive relationship, a long term friend asked me out. Not my usual type, I said yes. He had been good fun in some really low times and I thought he might be more considerate. Alas no, 6 months down the line, he'd been sleeping with 3 women behind my back and is now boasting about shagging a stripper to mutual friends.

I'm just feeling so hopeless, like ill never love again and have that reciprocated. My worst fear is ending up alone and childless.

Can somebody please reassure me that you didn't meet him until you left university, started work, was a real grown up. All my friends are settled with partners and I'm so jealous of their happiness.

And anyone who wants to tell me that my exes are dickheads would be very well received too. :(

I met my dh when I was 36 (i'm 40 now)
Before I met him I'd only ever been out with complete wankers.
I'd never lived with anyone.
Although i did have ds1 who was 5 at the time... I'd been single for years.

We were talking about getting married within 2 months and practically living together with 3.

We're now married and have a child together.

like whosiwhatsit, met DH at 38, baby at 38, married at 38. Second baby at 40. 10 yr anniversary this year.
No trauma relationship at last, not perfect but much more peaceful than the high drama of massive passion.

And the old cliche, I met him when I had decided to accept no children and being on my own. Not that minute, it took time. I bought a flat, then a house, concentrated on my career, volunteer work and had loads of friends, and then met him one night out. He was a friend of a friend, but did not meet him thru her IYSWIM.

I met DH at 21, started dating him at 25, married him at 30 and had our twins at 31.

You have lots of time. I know how you feel at night, when you just want someone in your bed to hold. It's a physical ache. You have to give yourself a good talking to - giving in to that ache will land you in another relationship for the wrong reasons. Find a way to manage those feelings, and you'll be free to enjoy your 20s, make friends, date without the need for it to develop into anything, and relax about it if it does develop.

You have lots of time :)

Started seeing DH at 31. Had known him for about 10 years, but there had been no hint of romance before that.

I really did kiss a few frogs before we got together. My 20s were littered with heartbreak. It would have been lovely if DH and I had got together earlier, but tbh, I'm not sure I would have appreciated him when I was younger!

Your ex BFs really are dickheads and you're better off without them.

I got together with my first BF aged 18 in my first term at uni. I thought we would be together for ever. 12 months later, I came to my senses and realised he was selfish and controlling so I broke it off. He then proved me right a few months later by threatening me with a knife.

I then had a couple of casual relationships before getting together with a friend. 5yrs later he still hadn't told his family about me so I broke it off.

Then got together with an old school friend. We were together for 4yrs and talked about getting married. We broke up when he made a move on my brother and announced he was in love with my brother, not me! (My brother did not reciprocate!)

At that point I was 29yo and convinced I would never meet someone. I had a few one off dates, tried Internet dating and speed dating which was all fun but didn't find me anyone worth more than a couple of dates. I decided to settle for being single & childless.

For some reason I logged on to Internet dating again aged 31yo. That was when I met my DH. We were engaged after 6mo and married 20mo after first meeting. It is our 7th wedding anniversary this year and we have 4yo DS and 11mo DD. Life is great. I really appreciate what I have and my DH and DC were so worth the wait and the trauma along the way.

You do have plenty of time OP and I wish you luck and happiness.

There is some superb advice here and some really lovely real life stories. I agree with raisah that you might want to consider counselling to be able to better deal with the consequences of those past, abusive relationships. A good counsellor will give you the tools you need to be able to work it through and get past any residual issues that you might not even be aware of. Most importantly, they will help you do this while learning to love and respect yourself and your own choices.

The thing about 'finding the right person' - that whole Cinderella Meets Her Prince idea - is that really the things that matter most when you are in a relationship is how you are with each other. How you listen to each other and how you communicate with each other. If he respects himself, he will respect you. If he doesn't respect himself, how can he possibly truly respect others? The same goes for any individual. You need to respect and love yourself first. Then you will value the other person in your relationship. Is there anything sexier than a person who is confident enough in themselves to value other people?

The things that your Mum told you - my mum told me the same things. I think it was their generation (post war) that dreamt that one up. "Why would he buy the cow if he gets the milk for free?" kind of thing. Personally I think that if you are in a good, healthy relationship where you both enjoy each other, respect yourselves and one another, then that's a heck of a lot better than most marriages I know.

Sorry this is a bit long. (tldr) But I do hope it helps.

I went out with some real knobs in my 20's - including an EA wanker who thought he was gods gift and wasn't.

During my early 30's, I resigned myself to being single for ever and my fanjo sealing up and then when I was 37, I met my now DH and that was that. He was definitely one worth waiting for. :) You have loads of time. Seriously. :)

^You have years ahead of you and the one thing I do regret most of all is not listening to people when they said you have to love yourself and learn to be happy without needing someone to provide that happiness for you.

wise words.^ Indeed!!

I wish I had spent my 20s single and working on my relationship with myself! I regret being in serial relationships with men that looking back were not right for me. If I was to tell my younger self anything it is the above sentence! I know plenty of people who met their partners in their 30s and are happy.

Met dh at 28, married at 32, dc's at 33 and 35.

Prior to that I had had 3 relationships lasting c. 3 years each and had lived with one of them. My dh has been married before so he has history too (we all do, it's part of what makes us us, and you shouldn't becashamed of it )

Allegra, I'm going to share (bits of) my story, even though it's something I don't usually discuss (online or IRL either)

I was in a long distance relationship that ended dramatically badly (we're talking police picking him up at the airport badly). What he had done & some aspects of our relationship really shook me for a long time. I drank far too much, swore off men, and when I did start looking out for possible relationships they were all with men I should have run a mile from. I should have got counselling but (without going into detail) the people who would have had the expertise to counsel me could also have been involved in assessing him. I couldn't handle the minuscule risk of running into him.

I was on the verge of getting involved with a deeply unsuitable man, when 2 things happened. Some very good friends sat me down and told me to get hold of myself (in relation to the unsuitable bloke) and the next night my now DH walked into my local and asked me out on a date. I ended up spilling out the whole sorry tale to him two days later (our second date) and he was incredible about it. Was so respectful and understanding of the mess I had become.

We got married 19 months later and had DD1 20 months later

I'm not necessarily advocating spilling out your story on the second date , but there are some great men out there and many of them will only care about you being ok.

(Oh and I was 26 when we met, DH was 34)

I met DH at 33, married at 34, DC1 at 35. My 20's were in some ways a bit of a write off except - terrible cliche alert - they gave me wisdom and experience and some incredible friends and somehow contrived to get DH and I in exactly the right place at the right time to meet and fall in love. Without our histories and experiences DH and I would not have the mature relationship that we do now.

DH and I have never had the "number of past shags" conversation. Why would we care? We each have a couple of significant past relationships and we each have some awareness of those -partly because sometimes they come up in conversations/memories etc and partly because experiences we had with them shape who we are now and how we react to things. But judge each other based on numbers of shags - no! The fact that you even worry about this tells me that you are picking the wronguns!

Make a list -not a ridiculous list but a list of non-compromisable things that you do and do not want. STICK TO IT!

Enjoy the journey, really!

Allegra, I honestly don't think that a man is even the question let alone the answer.

If loving yourself seems too difficult just try thinking that you are okay, and that you have as much right to feel the way you feel as everybody else.

Fwiw I met my dh when I was 38. But it didn't solve everything. Ultimately you've got to try to be your own best friend.

Good luck sweetheart.

From 16-22 I had relationships and flings, and lots of fun. The last one was a bit crappy, bordering on controlling. I was single for 3 years then bought a house on my own.
8months later I started going out with DH. That was 10yrs ago now. I had about given up too.

In retrospect it seem bonkers, I was still young but I felt like time was ticking away. Get on with making yourself happy first then a DP will be a nice bonus, don't look for a DP to 'make you happy'.

Ltr from 17 to 34, single but dating to 39 when met DP. Living together within 3 months. DS 2 years later.

OP, your exes are dickheads and so are mine.

Met the first at 17 and was with him til 24, met the next at 26 and was with him til 41, met DP at 42 and will be with him for the rest of my life.

The old 'kissing a few frogs' thing is absolutely true (ideally, though, don't marry them or have babies!)

I met my DH at 29.

I must say I wasn't looking for anything serious in my early 20s. My advice would be to live your life - travel, education, etc.

I met show at 29 after two good but just not right relationships from 19-21 and 22-25 then four quite content years on my own.

I only know one couple from my friends in my 20a who were together at 21 and still are now at 36. Lots met their partners around 30.

I must be one of the oldest as I met my dp at 35 and he was 42, and now having dc1 at 37.
At the time he was being chased by a very attractive 25 year old and when I feel down he will remind me that he wanted me, not the typical 20 something.
I'd had 2 serious relationships in my 20s and early 30s but they weren't quite right and I did question if I was doing the right thing to let them go because they weren't good enough, especially as I saw my friends settling down, marrying and having kids with flawed men. As those relationships unfortunately now are having problems as the children grow older I do start to think and hope that maybe I was right to wait for my guy rather than settle for second best.

Allegra, before I even opened this thread I knew you would be in your early twenties. You have LOADS of time! And that's not to belittle your experiences but honestly, there's no way you're going to spend the rest of your life alone (if you don't want to!)

My first serious relationship wasn't even until my mid-twenties. I met my first husband when I was 28. It was a disaster. I was divorced and a single parent by 31. I was pretty much totally single for a lonnnnnnnng time, bringing up ds, training for a new career, getting another degree, living my life. Two years ago I met someone I might just spend the rest of my days with. I'm 40 in a few weeks. It is never too late.

Wrt going round the block - ha! Btdt. It's fun. No decent bloke will give a toss. And fwiw, I'm glad that I didn't meet 'the one' in my twenties. I've had some amazing experiences that there's no way I would've had if I was coupled-up, babied-up that young... (Statistically, several of those friends you're jealous of now will be single again in 10 years!)

Your exes were unholy arseholes. You have some fabulous times ahead of you. But enjoy your life for its own sake, don't base it on your couple-status.

Oh, and, btw - I've got a child starting secondary school, grey hair and a responsible job and I'm still not a 'proper grown-up'

Early 20's! You're not on the shelf you know!

I met my dh late 30's. have lovely dc and been married 6 years now.

There's no rush- get your career going, get a place of your own, travel, get a sports car ( the only thing I regret is not getting a two seater soft top) as now I am driving a big family car, and probably always will.

I had ltr's , a prince of darkness who I had a narrow escape from, dated, took up secondments abroad, went to Madrid on spur of the moment weekends to see friends, anguished my mr right was married to someone else and it was too late...

But don't wait for some bloke to come along to start living your life and achieving things you want or doing what you'd like. You only go round once.

Spend Christmas learning Spanish in the argentine on a cheap deal if you don't want to spend it with family all loved up.

Book a holiday doing what you like. The advent of Internet travel booking means you can book a flight or hotel for one without feeling weird in the travel agents. Or being charged for being single.

Was in a long term (8yr) abusive relationship from 18-26, leaving him was one of the hardest things I did, but best decision I ever made. Then rebounded and ended up in a year long rship which an awful man who cheated on me. Anyways made a decision at 27 to stay single for at least a year and just enjoy life.

Best decision I ever made!! Had the best year ever, got my head together and made friends with a great guy (he asked me out a lot and I said no as wanted to remain single). After my single year, changed my mind and we're now married (3.5 years later) and waiting for baby number one at the ripe old age of 31 (far from old I know!)

After my breakups I couldn't see how I'd ever be happy with someone again, but promise you it does happen and you're far better to make mistakes and pick the wrong people now so you know what you want.

Was with a man who I thought was the love of my life (but was actually just a total knobhead) from 16 to 21. He broke my heart, spirit, trust.... You name it. I thought I would never love again and spent nearly five years in the wilderness thinking I'd had my time.

Met DH when I was 25 and married him at 27. He proved that life can be very surprising. Don't give up hope.

33

Honestly, at your age you have so many opportunities to meet men - on a night out with friends, at the pub, in a club, at the gym, studying, at work...and you look great and have loads of energy to do stuff. Make the most of the freedom you have and go everywhere you are invited.

I am newly single and ancient and it is really difficult to meet someone when you can't go to those places any more and you have several dc and no time and everyone you know has been married for years and everything is drooping/sagging!