Feeling very low

[Funnyfishface]

I have got upset tonight because my husband can be such a mean, nasty man.
He is so jealous of our DS (aged 18 and 24) it's ridiculous. He is jealous of the clothes they buy, the nights out they go on, the holidays they are having. The things I do for them......
They both work hard.
The eldest lives in a property of ours. The other two lodgers pay full rent and our son pays a small amount. The bills and mortgage are all covered by the overall amount. My h thinks we should be making a profit and that our son should be paying more. He slags him off to everyone but will not say to son that he wants him to pay more.
The youngest lives with us.
We are not short of money. We have money in the bank. Nice cars. Go out loads.
They are both going on holiday. I have asked the eldest son to lie to my h about who is paying for the holiday because I know it will cause a massive row if he finds out that he has paid for it himself. (Because of not paying full rent). He is saying his gf dad has paid as a gift.
I have suffered with anxiety for last 2 years which therapists have said its h controlling behaviour.
He has lost his temper tonight swearing and shouting. We are all taking the fucking piss out of him.
I have asked him if we have any money problems and he has said no. We don't have joint accounts. I have no access to withdraw funds but I do know how much is in the savings.
Advice anyone

LTB...

You're living with the worst kind of bully. You're all tip-toeing round The Big I Am that is your DH frightened to get an earful to the extent that you're asking your DS to lie about a holiday. That's all wrong and I'm sure your behaviour at home is equally badly manipulated as you desperately try to keep this idiot happy. You're anxiety is entirely caused by being the victim of a bully - you've been told that already. He's abusive (verbally, financially, other?) , unreasonable, deeply unpleasant and I don't think you should put up with it a minute longer if you value your health and your sanity.

I would honestly suggest that you start making plans to leave, including your younger DS who may be going off to uni or have other ideas about setting up on his own soon anyway.

The agencies that can actively help you are people like solicitors, CAB and you'd even be entitled to get in touch with Womens Aid who are very good at advising women in abusive relationships how to get out of them. You may think 'abuse' means black eyes and broken arms but being bullied, verbally abused, rendered sick and anxious, denied access to funds.... that's all abuse.

Good luck

What cog said

divorce him

Imagine when your two boys have gone and it's just you and your horrible husband staring at each other over the cornflakes ?

You are not tied with young children

Take your half of the marital assets and get the Fuck out if there

I would rather be alone than badly accompanied

So, all the accounts are in his name?
Do you have your own money at all?

Is there any way you can start saving some money into a your own current account?
Do you get an allowance?

It will be a good idea to get records of the savings accounts.

You may or may not want to leave the bastard at this stage, but if you find yourself in a stronger position, you'll find that either option will be easier.

Cog- thank you. You are right. He does manipulate every situation. He switches from being moody, sulky, nasty to Mr Nice guy.
He controls everything. I don't go out to work but do have a business I run from home. Because it doesn't earn lots of money he sees it as a hobby.

AF - we have been together a long time. I know that you are right. The children have always been my excuse to stay. And also I thought that I loved him. But I am sick of feeling like shit.
After all that yesterday. Calling me a fucking idiot. A lazy idiot. I take the piss out of him. He is the only one that does anything...... He thought that I would want sex when I got to bed. .???

Lweji - yes all in his name.
The only money in my name is my business account. I also have a account that the child benefit went into. About £4 k which he doesn't know about. Obviously that stopped when youngest finished school.
He has total control of finances. I put everything I spend on cc and he pays it off.

A good solicitor will ensure that the financial bind he has put you in is unravelled

You don't have to live like this

Go and get some advice from one. Knowledge is power

Start taking it back

So sorry you're living in such horrible circumstances. All the nice cars, money in the bank and nights out in the world don't compensate for wasting you life being bullied. Glad you've got some money salted away and hope you get some good advice and get yourself and your DS set up on your own well away from his malevolent behaviour.

So you have 4k in savings from child benefit?

I would use this to put down a deposit on a rental and move out, opening your own bank account and applying for benefits. Then start job hunting (unclear if you already work or not) to give yourself some income.

Go and see a solicitor to find out about claiming financially from your dh and get the ball rolling re divorce.

I wouldn't normally say to someone to just leave the house like that but he's making you so depressed I think it's worth it, especially as you don't have young children.

Yes 4k in savings from child benefit that he doesn't know about.

I do work but its not regular income. I have my own business that I run from home.

It's. rollercoaster ride. Up and down. Few days nice then something rattles him. Usually to do with money. Or that I do too much for the boys and not enough for him.
Yesterday it was that I hadn't posted a letter for him.

What are you, his mother?

AF - no I'm not his mother!

He has a way of making me feel very guilty and mad as it sounds i feel sorry for him. i do know that I don't deserve to be spoken to like this.

One day I feel really brave and I think that's it I'm not doing this any more. And then the next I lose my confidence and get scared to make the change.

Ditch him! See a solicitor, start divorce proceedings and you'll be entitled to half the assets (house, savings, pension, cars etc).
What would you miss if you took your share and left?

" And then the next I lose my confidence and get scared to make the change."

That's so sad but you realise that your lack of confidence is bound up in the way you've been treated all this time? Emotional bullying - the nice/nasty routine that causes the anxiety and depression - usually results in loss of self-esteem and a reduction in confidence. It's all designed to keep you mentally dependent and feeling responsible (guilty) for keeping them in a good frame of mind.

From where you are now I think you have to do what my friend calls 'crossing the mental bridge' i.e. decide to go at some unspecified point, get some support and do some background homework on the practicalities. Even if you don't go this time, you have the information ready to roll out for when you do.

Please do leave him. My father was a bit like this with my DM - jealous of my siblings and their opportunities. She did not leave him. It did not get better. He got ill and she had to spend a lot of energy looking after him, and putting up with his bad language towards her. Finally, he has died and she is free, but what a waste of two lives.

How do people afford to leave?

I am worried how I would manage financially.

People manage. They downsize, get jobs, call in favours, use their share of the marital assets (once distributed) to start fresh, apply for benefits... .all kinds of things. 'Necessity is the mother of invention' and you can find you're far stronger and more resourceful when the chips are down than he's been telling you all these years. It's a question of motivation, self-belief & application. If it's important to you to live peacefully, restore your self-respect and reject bullying then you're motivated.