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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my marriage is over...

60 replies

curlyLJ · 21/05/2013 23:06

I am a long time lurker on this board as I know things haven't been right in my marriage for some time but I couldn't put my finger on exactly what was going on. Can't be bothered to namechange!
DH and I have been together for 14 years and married for 6.5 and we have one DD aged 3. This goes back at least since DD was born and probably even before if the truth be told. In recent months, I have thought about splitting more than once as I find some of the things he does really hard to live with (if I had discovered mumsnet years ago, i think I would have seen the red flags and we might never have got married). I now realise he is verbally abusive (often tells me to f*ck off in the middle of a row - sometimes in front of DD - and he cuts me off and won't let me speak, stonewalls me and talks to me like he is 'in charge') and I am pretty sure there is some EA in the mix too even though, although he makes me doubt myself as he comes across as the perfect DH to everyone else (and probably thinks he is too) - but I have carried on for DD and because I didn't want to be the one to break up her home...

Anyway, we had yet another argument this weekend while we were staying with friends just before he left to come home (he was due to be coming home Sunday eve by train and I was staying on with DD until today) and he ended up setting off for home in a strop. He didn't text me to say he got back OK until the morning (even though I'd asked him to) so I didn't bother to call him at all yesterday (sometimes it's better to leave him be until he calms down anyway). The text I had got was very curt, so i thought sod it and didn't call him all day. I did send him a photo of DD having fun with her friend (my friends DD) while we were out in the day and he didn't respond. I then got a second curt text last night saying that he thought I would have at least rung him so he could chat to DD. DD didn't want to talk to him which is not unusual as she doesn't like talking on the phone so I text him back to tell him that and that she was asleep and then I left it, thinking we could just discuss when I got home tonight.

Apparently it was all the wrong thing to do and as usual I am the only one in the wrong. I think i was partly out of order, but then so was he. It's almost like he was 'testing me' to see if I would call or not if that makes sense?! He now says that our relationship is obviously so unimportant to me that I couldn't be bothered to call him (even though he didn't try to call me), and that there are lots of issues and he thinks the trust has gone (he thinks I was discussing it with friends after he left). He says the relationship is over and I think deep down we both know he is probably right. I think we have got to the end of a road here and I am not sure we can save the marriage, as the cracks are too deep to fill.

What I can't get my head around though is that I just don't want this to happen in reality, I just want it to be OK, I don't want to have to share DD and have to spend every other w/e apart from her...I start thinking about all the things that we won't be able to do as a family any more and it makes me so sad. I just don't see a way out of it though now it's all been said Sad

He's gone to bed now and won't discuss it any more tonight. I on the other hand won't be able to sleep and am left here upset and not knowing what to do...my head is spinning!

Sorry that was longer than intended. Thanks for reading if you got to the end! I just needed to write it down.

OP posts:
KittyVonCatsworth · 21/05/2013 23:10

Have either of you tried counselling? Is it something you think is worth considering?

To shout fuck off to you in front of DD is unacceptable, and if counselling is an option, get these ground rules established before it goes any further.

scaevola · 21/05/2013 23:11

"He says the relationship is over and I think deep down we both know he is probably right."

That sentence leapt out at me. If he is saying it is over, then perhaps it's time for him to leave. A separation might give you both the time and sace to think about what you really want, and then see if you have a place for him in that. You could tell him you don't know what you want yet long term, but you need a break from the arguments to work it out.

ElectricSheep · 21/05/2013 23:14

It's natural to be sad and anxious about the future. But if it's been crap and he is ea then you will be much happier in the future.

Think of all the things you can do without him, like be happy and relaxed in your own home, be confident your DD won't hear a load of stuff she shouldn't, be free, independent and have dignity and self-respect. And free to eventually meet someone who deserves to be with you that you are genuinely happy with.

Orangeandpineapple · 21/05/2013 23:15

Hi curly - for the record my husband is the same.
It does not get any better unfortunately.
I am 27 years with my oh and he still tells me to f**k off in an argument.
My children now grown up have no respect for their father.
We are still walking on egg shells.
Our mood depends on his mood. When he is nice he is lovely.

I am now mid 40s and am thinking of leaving. So think long and hard. Don't stay for your dd.
Only stay if you can get counselling and he is willing to go with you.
Good luck x

Original poster
curlyLJ · 21/05/2013 23:18

He often shouts at me in front of DD kitty and the more I try and say lets just discuss this without raising our voices, the louder he gets. We go around in circles and he can be patronising and really disrespectful. I have thought that I don't want DD to grow up thinking this is normal. A lot of the things on the emotional/verbal abuse thread all ring true so I really don't think counselling will help to be honest. I really do not think he will change because he just cannot see nor admit that sometimes he is in the wrong...

We go for months without arguing and he can be lovely, but then it all starts again and over a few weeks it seems to escalate until we have a major row and then it often goes back to normal again for a while. His own father abused his mother (violently) and I think some of this must be learnt behaviour - although he's never been physical.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/05/2013 23:19

I wouldn't go to joint counselling with a verbally abusive man. Bad idea.

As is staying with someone like that, and contributing to passing on these damaging ideas of how relationships work to your children.

AnyFucker · 21/05/2013 23:20

curly, you sound totally switched on and like you have put a lot of thought into this

trust yourself to make the right decision, love

Original poster
curlyLJ · 21/05/2013 23:22

walking on eggshells - that is exactly it! I never know what will set him off. Last w/e it was because i asked him to bathe DD and wash her hair while I popped out shopping. He flared up and said he was sick of me giving him instructions. We had a big row and while I was out he got DD ready and buggered off out and didn't tell me where they were. They came home hours later after being for lunch and ice-skating. DD had admittedly had a lovely time with her daddy - some good daddy/daughter time - but she didn't realise what was really going on (I hope)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/05/2013 23:23

he took off with dd without telling you to punish you

that is disgusting behaviour

KittyVonCatsworth · 21/05/2013 23:26

Guy sounds as if he's past counselling IMO, serious anger issues x

Original poster
curlyLJ · 21/05/2013 23:29

electric it's the things like what do we do at Xmas or her birthday etc that make me so sad. How do people cope?
We would be the only one of our couple friends to split - wont that be really awkward??

AF you are exactly right, I know he does things to punish me. He has thrown things (not directly at me) many times in anger too and he threw a pint of shandy over me once.

Sometimes we have a disagreement but I am left shaking my head as I really can't work out what just happened - does that make sense?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/05/2013 23:31

erm, didn't you say he "hadn't got physical" ? Confused

Original poster
curlyLJ · 21/05/2013 23:33

yes I did AF but I guess what I meant was he hadn't actually hit me or anything like that. Strangely the throwing things didn't occur to me as being physical, although I guess looking back, that was a major red flag that I overlooked!

OP posts:
Original poster
curlyLJ · 21/05/2013 23:34

I knew once I started writing it all down it would all become clearer... thanks for all the replies so far.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/05/2013 23:35

throwing things is classed as physical violence by Women's Aid

it is menacing, threatening and potentially dangerous...designed to make you STFU and take notice of the Great I Am that is him

it is only a matter of time before one of those carelessly thrown items hits you, or your daughter

AnyFucker · 21/05/2013 23:37

throwing a drink over someone is assault

if he threw a drink over a big bloke in a bar, he would be arrested or more likely get his lights punched out

he doesn't throw drinks over big men in bars though, does he ?

he saves that for you

Original poster
curlyLJ · 21/05/2013 23:38

Oh God...! We have been trying for DC2 as well Shock
I guess I have a lot of thinking to do now...

I am off to bed now to try and get some sleep as i have to go to work tomorrow - cant risk losing my job now!

I will check back in the morning.

OP posts:
KissMeCakes · 21/05/2013 23:45

Curly - also a longtime lurker. I am facing a similar dilemma. Been together with my partner for 8 years, he told me it was all over in Jan. We have once child together and one each from previous marriage/relationship.

After much upset (on my part) he 'agreed' to give things another go, we argued again circa 3 weeks ago and whilst he is now speaking to me, he has withdrawn all affection, doesn't say goodbye when he leave (early) for work or bother sending me a text to say what time he will be home (which he would normally do). After asking him to talk many times he finally told me Sunday that he is deeply unhappy and is considering 'what to do'. He doesn't acknowledge that this is unfair on me or the children and seems justified that it is his decision to make and I can either like it or lump it.

I too have wondered and lurked on this board for months about whether his actions in the past have been EA and am in no doubt that they are. It doesn't make it easier to leave though and I wish I could summon the strength to grow a pair and tell him to fuck the fuck off.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I know exactly how you are feeling sitting downstairs whilst he snores happily in bed.

AnyFucker · 21/05/2013 23:47

it would be a big mistake to make yourself vulnerable with a new baby with this man

I suggest you stop ttc whilst you decide what you are going to do

AnyFucker · 21/05/2013 23:48

kissmecakes, your self respect would thank you massively if you make your own decision about whether you really want to be with a man who treats his partner with such cruelty

don't leave your life in the hands of an emotional abuser

it will never end well

ninja · 21/05/2013 23:49

Sounds so like my ex relationship. I'll try and post more tomorrow.

KissMeCakes · 21/05/2013 23:52

AnyFucker - you give such sound advice to others and I massively respect your opinions. Why oh why, when I know what I need to do, can't I just do it? I'm scared and frightened I guess but deep down I do know what I 'should' do. It is cruel isn't it? After 8 years I wonder whether it's me making too much of things but having read about EA that's what happens isn't it? It erodes your sense of worth and self confidence?

AnyFucker · 21/05/2013 23:55

I don't know the answer why you, and lots of women in your situation, find it so difficult to exit such damaging relationships

If I knew that and could wave a magic wand to fix it, I would be a very rich (and happy) woman

KissMeCakes · 21/05/2013 23:58

For me? Because I have 'issues' around my own self worth and have believed him when he has told me that the problems within our relationship are due to me. I wish you did have that magic wand believe me.

AnyFucker · 22/05/2013 00:00

The words sound so easy, don't they ?

Everyone has their trigger points. Perhaps he has to hit you ? (he won't, he is too clever to do that directly). Perhaps he has to start taking it out on your kids ? Perhaps the thought of still feeling like this one, two, five, ten years from now is the catalyst to get out ?

Many of these men have extramarital sex (as an extension of the entitlement and selfishness). For some women who have previously comforted themselves with "he may be a bastard, but at least he is my bastard" this can be a wake up call.

I dunno. It's different for everyone, I guess.

the longer you wait though (and the more kids you have)...the harder it gets that seems very clear.

it's never too late though...never

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