I think my marriage is over...

[curlyLJ]

I am a long time lurker on this board as I know things haven't been right in my marriage for some time but I couldn't put my finger on exactly what was going on. Can't be bothered to namechange!
DH and I have been together for 14 years and married for 6.5 and we have one DD aged 3. This goes back at least since DD was born and probably even before if the truth be told. In recent months, I have thought about splitting more than once as I find some of the things he does really hard to live with (if I had discovered mumsnet years ago, i think I would have seen the red flags and we might never have got married). I now realise he is verbally abusive (often tells me to f*ck off in the middle of a row - sometimes in front of DD - and he cuts me off and won't let me speak, stonewalls me and talks to me like he is 'in charge') and I am pretty sure there is some EA in the mix too even though, although he makes me doubt myself as he comes across as the perfect DH to everyone else (and probably thinks he is too) - but I have carried on for DD and because I didn't want to be the one to break up her home...

Anyway, we had yet another argument this weekend while we were staying with friends just before he left to come home (he was due to be coming home Sunday eve by train and I was staying on with DD until today) and he ended up setting off for home in a strop. He didn't text me to say he got back OK until the morning (even though I'd asked him to) so I didn't bother to call him at all yesterday (sometimes it's better to leave him be until he calms down anyway). The text I had got was very curt, so i thought sod it and didn't call him all day. I did send him a photo of DD having fun with her friend (my friends DD) while we were out in the day and he didn't respond. I then got a second curt text last night saying that he thought I would have at least rung him so he could chat to DD. DD didn't want to talk to him which is not unusual as she doesn't like talking on the phone so I text him back to tell him that and that she was asleep and then I left it, thinking we could just discuss when I got home tonight.

Apparently it was all the wrong thing to do and as usual I am the only one in the wrong. I think i was partly out of order, but then so was he. It's almost like he was 'testing me' to see if I would call or not if that makes sense?! He now says that our relationship is obviously so unimportant to me that I couldn't be bothered to call him (even though he didn't try to call me), and that there are lots of issues and he thinks the trust has gone (he thinks I was discussing it with friends after he left). He says the relationship is over and I think deep down we both know he is probably right. I think we have got to the end of a road here and I am not sure we can save the marriage, as the cracks are too deep to fill.

What I can't get my head around though is that I just don't want this to happen in reality, I just want it to be OK, I don't want to have to share DD and have to spend every other w/e apart from her...I start thinking about all the things that we won't be able to do as a family any more and it makes me so sad. I just don't see a way out of it though now it's all been said

He's gone to bed now and won't discuss it any more tonight. I on the other hand won't be able to sleep and am left here upset and not knowing what to do...my head is spinning!

Sorry that was longer than intended. Thanks for reading if you got to the end! I just needed to write it down.

No change here, except I handed in my dissertation today and he didn't even wish me luck or acknowledge the end of what has been a very intense and hard three year slog to get here. I feel sad and a bit flat when I should be celebrating.

It was a difficult day listening to everybody say how they are celebrating, have been brought champagne, nice weekends away, going for a nice meal etc.

I needed to get today out of the way, sort out a job and then my head will be clearer to focus on me and the children (I hope!)

Thanks for asking SexySmity. I feel very alone at the moment.

for you, kiss

Celebrate with us x

Thanks AF. I appreciate it.

I think it will be and maybe some more tonight!

Congrats Kissme - very well done handing in your dissertation.

You should feel very proud of yourself KissMe. That news actually made me smile and happy for you.

I feel sadness that your DH doesn't feel very proud of his DW. Perhaps you should let him know what he is missing out on..... [Smile]

That should have been and one more for luck

Kissme - that is fantastic congratulations. Well done.

My situation is very much like yours except my youngest son is 18. I gave my h an ultimatum a month ago. Things had to change by the end of August or we separate. He actually agreed to this. So in the last month I reckon we have had at least 3 episodes where he has lost his temper, punched a wall or door and called me names. Fucking idiot, stupid, lazy......The rest of the time he has been ok.
We have been together 22 years.
I don't go out to work but do work from home although the money isn't regular. We don't have joint accounts.
I am also scared to leave the security of house, finances, etc.

I don't know how we find the strength to actually leave.

Just wanted to update as I know it's frustrating when the OP just disappears... Well I am happy to report that since I started this thread, DH and I have had a good long talk (several in fact) and we have managed to sort things out

Things have been really good in fact, and I realised just how much I really do love him and want to make things work - I think we had forgotten how to love and be kind to eachother in the humdrum of daily life to be honest and this was the wake up call we needed.

I posted initially when i was feeling really low and confused after our huge row, but now things are so much clearer. I think a huge amount of the problems were due to the fact that we just weren't communicating properly and I certainly wasn't telling him how I was feeling, really feeling. it's almost like we needed to get to this point for us to really take stock and see just what was at stake. Now we are talking to eachother so much more and I intend to keep it that way!

Thanks to all of you who posted with advice and I hope you are all doing well.

So I understand no one has posted in here for a while but I am in need of advice. My oh hand his notice in at work randomly saying he had just had enough (6 months ago) I was only part time after looking after our two kids
I had to go to work beg for full time which thankfully I got. But over the last 6 months money has obviously became very tight and as I have taken on paying his debt as well as all the bills shopping car fuel ext there is then very little left over and are usually having too borrow from family.
So basically because I am now out the house more he is struggling with the children house is a mess. He does very little with the kids and just complain constantly about how crap his life is. He gets JSA and I have only once had money from him for bills.
He ask to go see friends and demands I take him (he doesn't drive) if I say I have other plans find another way its an argument. If I say to him he needs to tidy up more or do more with the kids its an argument. He blames me constantly for this when although he out us in this mess all I have done is try and be supportive and make sure everything is paid. I have also said he should go retrain ect. But it is now what ever I say I'm telling him what to do and its not that.
But now due to his constant blame I have or losing my feelings for him. We are both getting angry we are both throwing things and not nice too admit but I have struck out at him. No excuses I just couldn't take this being all my fault anymore. I've tried too leave (even though its my house) but he's begged me back. Now I want him out. Even just a weekend or week since he says his life is so crap here I said well go go see friends go do whatever go see if that is what you want to do since you say I've ruined your life. But he won't go he would rather scream and shout and say I've ruined his life.

Sorry for the story and I dont know if it has made sense but I'm just so unsure of what to do. But as days are going by and nothing is changing I'm struggling to be in same room even house as him.

greg This thread is over 4 years old.
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Good luck.