what would happen to ds?

[YoniWidge]

DS is almost two, still breastfed snd has never spent a night away from me. DH and I are at breaking point, but I'm terrified about what would happen to ds if we split. Dh does nursery runs etc and probably spends more time with ds than I do. Would he get custody? Would it be joint custody? Oh fuck, what the hell would happen?

50/50 sounds fair. It's up to you two to agree, or go to mediation then court.

Might be time to wean.

But I don't want to

I want to live full time with my son. I want my marriage to work. I don't want to be in this mess.

Don't panic. You will not have to wean your baby. And your DS is not a possession to be split 50/50 at such a young age.
Have you spoken to your husband about his expectations with regards your son if you did separate ? Are things very acrimonious at the minute ?

Okay - so if you are definitely not separating today, is there anything that the very wise old heads on MN can help with ?
Is anything salvagable in your marriage?

What are the issues between you?

I'm worried it will all sound petty written down but I'll try.

He just doesn't seem to like me very much. Never acknowledges the good things I do for our family, just criticises me for what I don't (he's much tidier than me & thinks I'm lazy, I think we just have different priorities). He thinks I'm too soft on ds. He blames me for any issues with ds's behaviour (eg sleep & not being weaned) I think he's too harsh on ds.

We have huge blow outs every month or so. He always takes responsibility, apologises, agrees he's been unreasonable and then nothing changes.

I think I'm trying really hard to address his issues with me (hugely cut down breastfeeding, am cooking dinner every night, tidying ds's toys away as soon as he's in bed) but he clearly still thinks I'm lazy, sulks and huffs around but won't actually tell me what's wrong. I'm fed up of second guessing everything.

We had a big talk last night, agreed we wanted our marriage to work, agreed to work together, etc.

Today, I'm not feeling well. Picked up ds from nursery together, had lovely walk home, got in, I made ds's tea, started our tea, fed ds, bfed ds then asked dh to bath him and put him to bed so I could sleep myself and the silent treatment started again. I've clearly done something 'wrong' but he won't tell me what. "Nothing, you've done nothing" (rough translation: you're a lazy cow)

I'm so fed up. Just been googling flats to rent. I don't want to live with someone who doesn't even like me.

I would go and see a relationship counsellor together, it sounds like you both need help to work out what the issues are and change things.

Nobody wants to feel criticised all the time, no wonder you don't feel liked

ahhh hun, i feel for you

tbh though a relationship is very much a two-way road. you both have to want to work at this and do things that will change your lives for the better. if he just sulks and says "nothing" then what are you supposed to do. you are not being lazy, you are raising a son and being a parent, as is he, that is the hardest job anyone has to do.

if you feel that moving out will help, then do it. i'm not saying that on a whim - my partner and i went through a really difficult time (we have a DD together) and it was just getting impossible. i moved out for a while, and let me tell you it hurt like hell BUT we coped. DD was and still is absolutely fine and happy and we sorted out contact arrangements between us both on a week to week basis.

anyway, we are now back together, appreciate each other much more and don't sweat the small stuff. i'm not saying its easy, we still have our moments but we have learned to talk about it. i can honestly say, in hindsight, having a break was the best thing that ever happened to us.

HTH x

Thank you. Sorry for disappearing. We had a big talk and have agreed some things and 'chalked up' others to talk about soon. I'm feeling a lot more positive but still apprehensive (as I say, these 'talks' are quite regular) I'll look into counselling tomorrow. He hates the idea (thinks it would be the 'beginning of the end') but I think it may help us discuss some of the underlying issues without getting too heated. [Thanks]