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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Run, right?

99 replies

Takingbackmonday · 21/05/2013 13:41

Long story short...

DP started off lovely, normal etc. I screwed up by kissing someone else 3 days in to the relationship; we weren't serious, I told him, it was very early days, I thought we were moving on.

Oh no. I have a close male friend who was at one point in love with me; we have no history, he does not try anything - too respectful and now over it - but we have been through a lot together incl bereavement etc.

DP gets funny about this, tries to ban me seeing friend. I felt guilty about the earlier on kiss so accept. After two months I crack, tell him I am seeing friend etc. He begrudgingly accepts.

Some time later, after he still reminds me daily of his "trust issues", it comes to a head and I walk away. We try to work things out, things get a bit better but every few days he has a flip out where EVERYTHING is my fault, I essentially have to grovel, beg etc, we get back together, repeat ad nauseam.

This isn't sounding good is it? As things are, when he is wonderful he is brilliant and I want to cling to what we had, the future I foresaw. This morning he flipped out again because he didn't like the way I asked a question; storms out, now demanding if I am not there to meet him in 10 minutes (exactly, I've had the exact time by which I must arrive) or he sods off to America as he threatens to do all the time.

Why am I still here? Love. Hope. But still.

OP posts:
JaxTellerIsAllMine · 21/05/2013 13:43

you are right. RUN! you kissed someone 3 days into the relationship - probably shouldnt have done, but early days etc.

If he has trust issues he will always have trust issues.

Are you meeting him?

DameFanny · 21/05/2013 13:44

yes, run. Sorry.

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 21/05/2013 13:44

was it your close male friend who you kissed? Im not clear on that point.

sorry

UniqueAndAmazing · 21/05/2013 13:47

Run run run run run run.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/05/2013 13:50

How did he know you kissed someone else? How does he know your friend was in love with you? Did you tell him all of this stuff? 'Trust issues' suggests some kind of irrational possessive streak... whereas this doesn't look particularly irrational on the face of it. Overreacting, maybe, and the 'be there in 10 minutes' is pretty crappy, but not irrational.

Lweji · 21/05/2013 13:55

the future I foresaw.
I think that's the key for you. It's not reality you are mourning, but what you pictured in your head.
It doesn't exist. Just let go.

BeCool · 21/05/2013 13:58

He didn't like the way you asked a question? FFS yes run run run & hope he gets on that plane & leaves you alone forever!

Mumsyblouse · 21/05/2013 13:58

Forget the kissing within three days thing, were you committed in a relationship at that point? I certainly don't examine very closely the faithfulness of either me or my partner a few weeks after meeting, because it wasn't clear what was happening and it was all a bit of a grey area.

The 10 min deadline is hilarious and I would just let it elapse as no-one tells me when to jump like that.

As someone says, you seem fixed on the fantasy future, not the reality of this man. He won't let you see an old male friend- tell him to do one!

pictish · 21/05/2013 14:00

Right.

He is holding a minor incident above your head like a swinging axe in order to control you.
Not nice. Not kind. Not loving.

So run.

pictish · 21/05/2013 14:03

And pray he fucks off to America and takes his back cloud of emotional blackmail with him.

monsterchild · 21/05/2013 14:05

I agree get out. Let the 10 minutes elapse and see if he's serious. Then wave goodbye regardless. If he ever gets over this incident it will be another he holds over you. Cut your losses and try again with your friend maybe!

TantrumsAndBalloons · 21/05/2013 14:05

Going to America? What, in 10 minutes time?

He sounds like a jealous attention seeking twat.
Or a child.

Ask him if he needs help packing his case for his journey.

BalloonSlayer · 21/05/2013 14:13

Offer to drive him to the airport.

Cockadoodlequack · 21/05/2013 14:17

The hills are that way >>>>>>>>>>

pictish · 21/05/2013 14:18

As is your sanity and self esteem....

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe · 21/05/2013 14:21

Smile and wave.

SgtTJCalhoun · 21/05/2013 16:37

Text him "oh do fuck off" then never communicate with him again. What a tool.

tallwivglasses · 21/05/2013 16:39

Oh God if it wasn't the kiss it would be something else. SPRINT!

hellsbellsmelons · 21/05/2013 16:45

OMG - Yes - run - run like the wind and don't look back!!

wordyBird · 21/05/2013 17:26

Oh my, yes, that's a wrong 'un

  • every few days he has a flip out where EVERYTHING is my fault, I essentially have to grovel, beg etc Shock
  • when he is wonderful he is brilliant - they always are
  • he flipped out again because he didn't like the way I asked a question
Shock

He has a personality issue, not a trust issue!

purplewithred · 21/05/2013 17:34

Hope he enjoys America.

badinage · 21/05/2013 17:47

Is there a big age gap between you by any chance? Or were you v young when you met?

Because this sounds like a controlling older man who's also an egomaniac.

Original poster
Takingbackmonday · 21/05/2013 18:24

Yes, I did go Blush

A few things I forgot to mention; I have severe abandonment issues (lost a parent young). The one thing I always said is if we argue please don't threaten to disappear, it sets off panic attacks etc but despite this his standard response is to threaten to bugger off abroad (a potential job there).

Since "everything is (my ) fault" because I left him (massive over exaggeration, I was seriously sick of his hassle, very stressed with work, anxiety wasn't good and eventually I snapped then called to sort it out and grovel the next day) he openly doesn't care when I am upset because no matter what I do to try to make amends, it means bugger all because apparently he has given up so much for me.

The irony is, I can see through this bullshit usually; I used to be the master of playing this WHEN I WAS 14 YEARS OLD! But he has a way of controlling the narrative and cannot be convinced he is wrong. This morning, just before I posted, he had come over, I hadn't given enough attention and asked him the same question 3 times (was distracted, filling in a v important application form) so he goes crazy,threatens to go, I tell him to either sit down and calm down or go home while I finish said application and we will meet in two hours apparently this equates to me kicking him out, hence his demands I go speeding-- running over to prove I do care, as the poor petal is just so damaged by my actions.

I am making him sound like a right twat, I know, but 98% of our relationship he has been bloody brilliant and I am trying to use the fact he lost a family member and has been through it work-wise recently to excuse his actions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takingbackmonday · 21/05/2013 18:27

To clarify:

  1. person I kissed 3 days in is not same as the best friend. It was still bad but I think that something so very early on - when he only knows because I was totally honest and full of remorse - should be forgotten.
  2. best friend and I have never been together, nor will we. We kissed long ago and he was a bit caught up but we talked it through, spent time apart etc before we resumed the friendship as I didnt want to lead him on.

I've always thought that if a couple has issues you decide between the two of you whether you can both get over the incidents then move forward, not letting the past poison all. I may be a little over rational because of the nature of my day job.

OP posts:
badinage · 21/05/2013 18:29

What's he given up for you?

And is he quite a bit older than you/met you when you were quite young?

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