Run, right?

[Takingbackmonday]

Long story short...

DP started off lovely, normal etc. I screwed up by kissing someone else 3 days in to the relationship; we weren't serious, I told him, it was very early days, I thought we were moving on.

Oh no. I have a close male friend who was at one point in love with me; we have no history, he does not try anything - too respectful and now over it - but we have been through a lot together incl bereavement etc.

DP gets funny about this, tries to ban me seeing friend. I felt guilty about the earlier on kiss so accept. After two months I crack, tell him I am seeing friend etc. He begrudgingly accepts.

Some time later, after he still reminds me daily of his "trust issues", it comes to a head and I walk away. We try to work things out, things get a bit better but every few days he has a flip out where EVERYTHING is my fault, I essentially have to grovel, beg etc, we get back together, repeat ad nauseam.

This isn't sounding good is it? As things are, when he is wonderful he is brilliant and I want to cling to what we had, the future I foresaw. This morning he flipped out again because he didn't like the way I asked a question; storms out, now demanding if I am not there to meet him in 10 minutes (exactly, I've had the exact time by which I must arrive) or he sods off to America as he threatens to do all the time.

Why am I still here? Love. Hope. But still.

[pictish]

This is not the best you can do. This is settling. You can have good sex and no abuse at all if you like!

[wordyBird]

I'm sorry Taking. But he is textbook. Waiting for him to become the normal, empathic person you want him to be, but can see he isn't, is going to cause a lot of heartache.
It is your life, and for you to decide, though. We can only reflect back what you've told us.

[Takingbackmonday]

Mmm. He's just kicked off again over my tone of voice on a phone call.

Argh fuck him. I'm going to the gym.

Thankfully no kids. Thanks for all advice; sorry I am being rubbish and not taking it quite yet. I will do, when I grow a spine.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Listen, you have found out that sex can be wonderful, that is great, but how long before he rejects you to teach you a lesson? Think ahead: if he is controlling and trying to mould you now, what damage might he do to your self-esteem and newly found confidence in bed?
Why wouldn't you also have great sex with a kinder, more giving person?!

PS he said I sound sad And how did he reply? Let me guess, answer came there none. In a normal relationship he would be dismayed and trying to cheer you up, make things better. Not causing it. Not prolonging it.

[CMOTDibbler]

But it won't stop at dinner will it? Its escalated to your holiday, then what about your female friends - will he stop you going out with them soon? And what about work, I mean, you might be tempted there too.

You obviously have some real, long term issues, and he's playing you like a violin over them. This kind of emotional abuse only ever gets worse, and I guess you don't want to walk on eggshells forever.

LTB, and get yourself some serious counselling, do the Freedom programme, and then face the future. Sex isn't worth all the rest

[pippitysqueakity]

Of course it is easier for us to say than for you to do but...as was said up thread, what do you want mumsnet to do? You can clearly situation yet are talking yourself out of the reality of it. So...up to you OP

[pictish]

So now you have to get the tone of everything you say exactly eight to please him do you? Along with everything else that you must try harder at...like being thoughtful to his needs, and only having friends he says you can have...because he'll leave you if you don't comply.

[Takingbackmonday]

Ha CMOT - yeah I'm already banned from going on holiday with a female friend despite the fact he is off on holiday without me during that period of time. He's trying to sow seeds to get rid of my other friends too.

I know what he's doing; I won't let him damage me; it's just getting the courage, strength, effort together to deal with the fall out.

[BeCool]

You are not having a quiet life with a decent partner with this man.

You WILL NEVER have quiet life and a decent partner with this man.

The EA will only get worse.

A decent partner would never expect or ask you to cancel the dinner. You have Insight OP. believe in yourself. Listen to the inner you, you have done so much work to nurture and repair. Believe in her. Support her.

As to why he does it, after 7 years and 2 DC with a similar person I still didn't know. The Lundy Bancroft book, often mentioned here re emotional abusers may have some answers for you.

Allow yourself to find that person you are looking for. With this man you are only throwing good money (ie your heart and soul) after bad.

[pictish]

He can tell how sad I am and can see how much I cry these days but he doesn't care because it's my fault and I have to keep trying and trying then it might be okay in future.

Oh girl.

[BeCool]

You don't live with him? You can really limit the fallout in that case. Just switch off. He doesn't warrant arguing with as he will only turn on the nasty stuff. You don't need to hear it. You really don't have to either.

[pictish]

He has already damaged you. You cry and cry but he doesn't care.
He is cutting you off from your friends.
He is stopping you from going on holiday.
You love him and feel you should try harder.

The damage has already been done...and will absolutely continue and escalate.

[pictish]

Unless you ditch him.

[CMOTDibbler]

Well, when he's on holiday, its the perfect time to go. Find yourself a flat, arrange to have your mail redirected there, and book a mover. First day of his holiday, off you go with your stuff to your new life

[pictish]

I hadn't given enough attention and asked him the same question 3 times (was distracted, filling in a v important application form) so he goes crazy,threatens to go, I tell him to either sit down and calm down or go home while I finish said application and we will meet in two hours -- apparently this equates to me kicking him out, hence his demands I go speeding running over to prove I do care

You can't even fill out a form without it being about him!!

[Doha]

Grow up takingbackmonday..how old are you 10???

He is treating you like shit and you think because the sex is good with him after a previous bad experience you have to stick around --bullshit.

He will never change and it honestly sounds like you don't want him to change. After his demands this morning you went running, more fool you..

You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery

[appletarts]

From his point of view you kissed someone early on when you ought to have been all excited about him and you're having an emotional affair with someone who you know fancies you and you have told him this. I wouldn't trust you if I were him and I would run a mile...probably America would do! His relationship style is childish and controlling but what with his trust issues and your abandonment issues it sounds like a bloody nightmare.

[expatinscotland]

This sounds very immature, tbh, and melodramatic. He's a git, there are billions of men out there to shag, plenty of them are good at sex, you don't have kids with them (it doesn't sound like you even live with him), get rid and move on.

I asked how long you've been with him and got no answer.

Says it all, really.

Grow up.

[tribpot]

I don't have the balls to dump ... I'd never hear the end of it...

Well you would hear the end of it - because you would have dumped him.

You are decidedly not working through your abandonment issues by exposing yourself to them in an endless cycle, you're making them worse.

he's now claiming we can't even go on holiday as planned because I cannot be trusted.

You're responding to this as if it were a rational concern from a human being who cares about you. It isn't. It's just more bullshit to keep you on the back foot. Tell him you're going to the dinner. Tell him you're going on holiday. For god's sake tell him to fuck off.

[Lweji]

Why wait to grow a spine?

You don't have to do much.
Just send a text if you fear that much breaking up with him.
And what's to fear?

[captainmummy]

he yells at me for causing drama then yells at me for making him be controlling Red Flag. You will never be able to do anything right. Never.
I'll never hear the end of it - from who? If you walk away you'll never need to be on the receiving end again.

Make your own life. Yy get to the gym. Don't drop your friends. Go to that dinner and let him implode with rage.

[Custardmiteofglut]

Hi OP. I was in an extremely similar situation to you some years ago and in a relationship that should have lasted just 2 months, not the near 2 years it did.

My exBF was lovely most of the time, but he was also insanely jealous, insecure, controlling and drove me away from friends. He felt he had the right to tell me who I could and couldn't see, asked me if I got anyone's telephone numbers if I went out and didn't believe me when I told him no.

He would hang past indiscretions and bad behaviours over my head and tell me I needed to 'make it up to him' and prove how I felt. It was so bad at one stage he pushed for me to find another woman so we could have a threesome, again to prove to him how I felt about him. I didn't, by the way.

I won't hijack anymore, but I will say that even with the good times (and good sex), it is still bad too much of the time; your OP indicated just how miserable it is making you. Don't get to the stage where you are crying and second guessing his moods all the time. This is not a healthy relationship with a positive future.

He doesn't like the tone of your voice? How will he like it when you tell him to do one?

Get rid, go forth and find happiness elsewhere. You deserve better.

[HatFullofStars]

I know for a fact that more than one man is good at sex; so just because he is good at it doesn't make him worth hanging on to.

I've had my fair share of idiot men but even the worst of them have never put me through what you're being put through.

Tell him to do one
and then go and enjoy your life, you are worth more than this

[Xales]

You are banned from going on holiday with a female friend.

You are banned from an important networking dinner.


You say stuff in the wrong tone. You are going to end up not saying anything at all for fear of him kicking off.

He knows about your abandonment issues and deliberately uses this to hurt, upset and control you.

You have to go and see him, 'within 10 minutes' or he is off.

This relationship is to make you pander your every breath and thought to him.

It is unhealthy and damaging.

Sorry.

Where is the love?

If you leave it to find a spine you may find yourself friendless and your job damaged. Assuming you won't be banned from going to work at some stage because you can't be trusted.

[AThingInYourLife]

"DP started off lovely, normal etc. I screwed up by kissing someone else 3 days in to the relationship"

The second sentence contradicts the first.

He didn't start off lovely and normal. You've had this issue since the very start.

BTW there is no such thing as "3 days in" to a relationship, unless you are 13.

You kissed someone else before you and he had got serious.

That's not something you should ever have been apologising about.

Your mistake was not the snog, it was apologising so profusely to an abusive man so early on.

You basically gave him the gift of something to hold over you before he was even your boyfriend.

And he has been using that supposed trasgression to control you ever since.

Wake up. You have always been in the wrong in this relationship.

Your wrongness and his need to punish you for it is basically all you guys have got.