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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Run, right?

99 replies

Takingbackmonday · 21/05/2013 13:41

Long story short...

DP started off lovely, normal etc. I screwed up by kissing someone else 3 days in to the relationship; we weren't serious, I told him, it was very early days, I thought we were moving on.

Oh no. I have a close male friend who was at one point in love with me; we have no history, he does not try anything - too respectful and now over it - but we have been through a lot together incl bereavement etc.

DP gets funny about this, tries to ban me seeing friend. I felt guilty about the earlier on kiss so accept. After two months I crack, tell him I am seeing friend etc. He begrudgingly accepts.

Some time later, after he still reminds me daily of his "trust issues", it comes to a head and I walk away. We try to work things out, things get a bit better but every few days he has a flip out where EVERYTHING is my fault, I essentially have to grovel, beg etc, we get back together, repeat ad nauseam.

This isn't sounding good is it? As things are, when he is wonderful he is brilliant and I want to cling to what we had, the future I foresaw. This morning he flipped out again because he didn't like the way I asked a question; storms out, now demanding if I am not there to meet him in 10 minutes (exactly, I've had the exact time by which I must arrive) or he sods off to America as he threatens to do all the time.

Why am I still here? Love. Hope. But still.

OP posts:

Report

Takingbackmonday · 21/05/2013 18:29

No, same age. Met mid-20s.

OP posts:

badinage · 21/05/2013 18:30

So what's he given up for you?

Takingbackmonday · 21/05/2013 18:30

he's given up this job in America that he was offered but didn't take because I am based here. Hence his constant threats to go over there and take the job (?)/ find a new one / travel -- delete according to mood

OP posts:

badinage · 21/05/2013 18:32

How long have you been seeing him?

Leverette · 21/05/2013 18:38

This reply has been deleted

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TheVermiciousKnid · 21/05/2013 18:39

Buy him a one way ticket to America...

birdsnotbees · 21/05/2013 18:42

His is not normal or acceptable behaviour.

You have bravely confided your abandonment issues. Which is to be commended, by the way.

He is now exploiting those issues to emotionally abuse you.

This is just the start. It will only get worse.

Takingbackmonday · 21/05/2013 18:47

Mmm. He is, isn't he? I've had to cancel a rather important networking dinner this week because the friend will be there and at the moment I must be "thoughtful" of DP's needs or he will bugger off.

I just want a quiet life with a decent partner; I think it must be me as most men I have been with veer toward at least low level EA by the end.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/05/2013 18:50

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. DUMP pronto.

ScrambledSmegs · 21/05/2013 18:51

Yes. Run.

Interesting how you have this insight, yet can't seem to stop yourself placating him.

WarmFuzzyFun · 21/05/2013 18:55

He is not nice, he is a drama lama. Please don't get drawn in any further, just end it move on.

Why is it so difficult?

Takingbackmonday · 21/05/2013 18:56

I work in psychology but have redundant issues of my own that go far back; irony.

I don't have the balls to dump. I do love him. Plus I'd never hear the end of it...

OP posts:

Takingbackmonday · 21/05/2013 18:57

Yes and he yells at me for causing drama then yells at me for making him be controlling.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/05/2013 18:58

Then why post? You know this is bad, but then come up with 'I can't dump him'.

Leverette · 21/05/2013 18:59

This reply has been deleted

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/05/2013 18:59

Un-cancel that dinner. See what 'D'P does.

AThingInYourLife · 21/05/2013 19:00

He is horrible to you.

This is not a quiet life with a decent partner.

This is masochism in relationship form.

Why are you putting yourself through this?

pictish · 21/05/2013 19:03

Well you've bagged yourself a corker of an emotional abuser this time OP!

Takingbackmonday · 21/05/2013 19:04

I don't know. He has done quite well at convincing me a lot is my fault and this is a moment of clarity; they don't tend to last.

I just don't get why someone who is generally mature, smart, sweet, funny, very intelligent/highly educated and reasonable is being like this. He can tell how sad I am and can see how much I cry these days but he doesn't care because it's my fault and I have to keep trying and trying then it might be okay in future. I know how pathetic this sounds, believe me. I just want it to be easier - I don't cheat, I don't want anyone else, I didn;t "dump him out of the blue" as he claims I did, when I get drunk I know what I'm doing... he's now claiming we can't even go on holiday as planned because I cannot be trusted. What the hell does he expect me to do; shag a waiter!?

It's easier to say LTB than to do it I guess.

OP posts:

pictish · 21/05/2013 19:06

He's a classic textbook abuser OP.
Everything you are describing about him screams ABUSER ABUSER ABUSER.

Takingbackmonday · 21/05/2013 19:06

He called earlier and said I sound sad, I told him I've just seen full guest list for dinner but I understand why I can't go.. perfect opportunity for him to say just go, but of course not, I shouldn't have created this situation...

argh. I just don't know what to do. I have so much invested and I really do love him. Plus - this sounds ridiculous - I have always avoided sex and never really enjoyed it because of bad experiences when pretty young, but with him it is truly incredible. I know that's shallow but I feel now I've finally discovered it I don't want to let it go, along with someone who can be so brilliant often, for the sake of a few dinners and tears.

OP posts:

Leverette · 21/05/2013 19:07

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expatinscotland · 21/05/2013 19:07

How long have you been seeing him? Do you live together? Have children together?

pictish · 21/05/2013 19:08

Sell yourself short and have a life of misery then. If you love him.

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 21/05/2013 19:09

look - you have a professional job, actually a job where an abuser like your bf in any client situation would have alarm bells ringing all over the place!

For your own mental health you need to dump this person and work on your own self esteem and get your own needs sorted first - before any sort of emotional relationship.

This is not healthy, nor is it fun.

Its Emotional abuse, emotional blackmail.

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