I've been dumped by my friend and am quite upset about it :(

[redandyellowbits]

Contrary to what this might sound like, I am not a 15 year old schoolgirl. Believe it or not I am a 38yr old working woman, I have a DH, DC, great family and friends.

So here is my story...

I moved to my current city 7 years ago (for DHs job), and didn't know anyone here. After I had DD1 I made friends with Jane.

When I was pg with DD2, Jane introduced me to Alison. Turns out that DD1 and Alisons DD were only 2 weeks apart in age, and both our DC2 were due within weeks of each other.

Alison and I got on really well, and, amongst other things, we are both in mixed-culture relationships, we are of the same background, and our DHs are of a same background too.

Over the past three years we have chatted on a daily/weekly basis about kids, families, and our personal lives. We always call each other for a moan, text every now and again, although we didn't meet up much - once or twice a month maximum as we are both busy with work, families, etc. This has never been an issue, and we are both pretty independent people who like our space.

Our DC2 were born 6 weeks apart from each other, they are in the same group at nursery and are really good friends. We usually meet one day outside of nursery too and our DC2 love this.

Alison is lovely to know, and knows a lot of people. People really seem to warm to her, and, as she chats to everyone, shy mums in particular really seemed to develop close friendships with her - i.e. they would confide in her, and then get to slightly stalker-ish stage where they want to go over to her house, or always bugging her to go out, which she didn't like, but was happy to chat to them at the school gates.

Eventually it would all get a bit much for her and she would end up cutting them out. I never met these mums, but there was always one or another she would tell me about. We always joke about how she attracts weirdos.

Occasionally she would have arguments with school mums - e.g. they blocked her car in and wouldn't let her leave as she had accidentally taken one of their regular parking spaces when she first passed her test.

The latest one has been that they found out she was a parent volunteer on a week long residential trip with her DS and these school mums accused her of 'arse-licking' the teachers to get to be on the trip.

This week, she suddenly started acting really strange and off with me - I genuinely have no idea why. I invited her and her DC to my DDs birthday party via text (because I would not have seen her that day, it wasn't a nursery day). She sent me a really shirty reply. I text her back, asked if everything was ok, she said no, not really, and I called her.

She said she had been talking to the school mums - one of whom has just had a baby and the subject of baby names came up. Now my DD3 (a baby, aged 8mo) has the same name as her DD1 (Yr 1, aged 6years).

This just happened to be a name my DH liked, I asked Alison if it was ok that we used it and she said no problem, said quite happily and with no hint that it was not ok.

So she was talking to these mums, some of them know me from playgroups etc, and started telling Alison that I wasn't to be trusted, because I 'stole' her DDs name!! They said my DD3s name was of a different style to my other two DDs, and that I reminded them of the stalker mums who used to hero-worship Alison a bit. It was so ridiculous I laughed when she said this.

She said it has messed with her head, and she cant stop thinking about how silly they are, etc. I asked who said this and she doesn't want to tell me and cause further upset. Which is really frustrating for me as I am quite happy to tell them to take a running jump.

I asked if my DDs name was a problem to her (not that I can do anything about this now!) and she kept insisting it isn't. But something they said must have hit a nerve.

This all happened on Friday. She has then removed herself from a FB group conversations that Alison, Jane and I have had going for nearly a year, we are not on it every day, but all three contribute equally and use this for every day chit chat. Again I asked if anything was wrong, and I could come over to talk it through with her but she kept insisting everything is fine.

So I decided to carry on as normal, text her about something funny that happened to me this weekend as I usually would, and got very short replies - e.g. we are chilling this weekend/I am busy tomorrow/etc. So no details or natural chit-chat from her. I can tell she has decided she is going to keep me at a distance and let our friendship fizzle out.

If I am honest she is my closest friend in this city and I feel gutted for having lost a best mate when I really don't know why. There is obviously more to what the school mums have said and I am really pissed off that she has listened to them and taken their word for whatever this issue is. I have genuinely no idea what it could be, I am a pretty honest, upfront and decent person.

I also feel like a stupid schoolgirl for being upset in this way. I am also pissed off that my 3yo DC2 may be losing her friend (Alisons DC2) because of the mums falling out. But mostly quite pissed off that I am being dumped with no explanation.

Please help me to feel better about this.

mantra-' a real friend would not treat me like this'

repeat. breathe, let go. x

Sorry you've been Wendied OP, good to see you're fucking her off.

It's a good idea to ignore her text, though I never take good advice and would have text back. 'Are you for fucking real? Get a grip, nutter. Lol'

Basically, don't feed the troll! Say hi when you see her, but don't engage. The friendship is over, she is just an aquaintance.

Don't overthink bumping into her, just treat her as you would a neighbour you rarely see and have nothing in common with.

She sounds like a right drama llama, so you are definitely better off without her in your life.

She probably wants you to chase her so that she can tell her next victim how you were needy and stalkerish. I bet you anything you like that the "giving your DD the same name as hers" issue is going to be brought up as evidence of your weird stalkerish tendencies -- in fact, that's probably why she chose that as the thing to fall out over. And I think it's likely that "she kept contacting me under the flimsy pretext of wanting to return stuff I'd once lent her, so eventually I just had to tell her to keep it all" will be making a guest appearance in her anecdotes too. Don't contact her, don't talk to Jane about her. Do just what you are doing and develop your and your DCs' social circle.

You seem to have spent the last three years believing everything she told you (not unreasonably as she was a friend) but I think reading it back here in one go you've seen how unlikely it all was. She keeps being stalked by new friends not once or twice, but repeatedly? She is deliberately blocked into a parking space by other parents again, repeatedly? She is approached by other mothers who warn her off you just before she dumps you? Really, I'm calling bullshit on all of it.

Wow sixpack this thread was just making me think about my Alison when you said that and I literally got the same text from mine!
For me I was always surprised I never got to meet any of her other friends, unless she was 'doing them a favour' which was the only reason she was spending any time with them at all, of course, or they were 'desperate' to see her. I think in hindshight she was seeing them just as much as me just keeping us apart so she could bitch about us one on one.
You don't need someone like this stirring up in the back ground. Mine dumped me because I left her in a pub (with another friend) when I was drunk on my b.day! Apparently I was meant to chaperone a 30yo all night and be sober These people are highly demanding and it rarely feels as though you are getting their full time/attention anyway once something else comes along (b.f etc).

Just caught a bit of Brideshead on the telly.

Sebastian Flyte - invited Charles Ryder into an impossibly glittering world; raged about how this person and that person were against him, compelling Charles to get onside; tired of Charles in the end and threw him over on a spurious charge.

You seem to have spent the last three years believing everything she told you (not unreasonably as she was a friend) but I think reading it back here in one go you've seen how unlikely it all was

This penny has only just dropped for me. She really is a nasty piece of work. I also totally agree that she wants, or is expecting that I will chase after her, like her other adoring fans did. No bloody way.

For me I was always surprised I never got to meet any of her other friends, unless she was 'doing them a favour' which was the only reason she was spending any time with them at all, of course, or they were 'desperate' to see her. I think in hindsight she was seeing them just as much as me just keeping us apart so she could bitch about us one on one.

She never mixed her friends. Of course I can see why now. We were all in little compartments and came in handy for different needs and purposes, e.g. me when her school friends and DH were busy. But she hated all of them of course, and I was her one true friend

These people are highly demanding and it rarely feels as though you are getting their full time/attention anyway once something else comes along

This is also very true. I got cancelled on a lot, but that of course was a good thing, because she is so independent, and I wasn't like her stalker friends, getting upset every time she cancelled on them

Thank you all for this thread. It's really helping me to stay sane over this and finally see this for what it was!

SissySpacek - Drama Llama - that's it! My inner mantra every time I see her, it will make me laugh.

Yes, never getting friends all together is always a bit of a worry IMO. Almost as if she is scared one of you may say something to the other that she told them...
I agree other mums she dumped may well start talking to you at school once they realise it really is over. You will be fine.
Imagine she was a boyfriend too - if you wouldn't put up with it from a new partner, why would you pick that person as a friend?

Yep repeat ad infinitum! You will be chilled and so not bothered by her histrionics.
Go Red!

I feel really annoyed for you OP!

Since when did someone own a name ffs!

I think you're doing the right thing in the way you're now remaining silent although I have to say I'd find it extremely hard not to have replied to her last text!

ah let us know how you get on OP! I know I feel the same that Im better off without her but then can quite easily get upset after an encounter! Hope you get over this quicker as shes really not worth your energy x

You will get over this OP.

It does take time though, it's almost like a break- up. It's really horrible but she will mean nothing v soon.

What a nasty, utterly vile woman. I am furious on your behalf, Redandyellowbits. I do agree with those that have said that it's just your "turn" now, and that you did nothing wrong.

I had an encounter with my very own Alison about a year ago. Very similiar story to yours actually. We were very close friends, confided in each other, spent lots of time together, the kids were friends, and I really felt that she was a great friend to me. Abruptly one day she just stopped talking to me. And by stopped talking to me I do seriously mean stopped talking to me. She'd just walk past me at the school, ignored me at the village shop, and defriended me on Facebook. She also fed several mutual friends with bullshit about me as they stopped talking to me too. These were women that I'd previously socialised with, and chatted with and never ever exchanged a cross word with. I noticed that she then started to target other women that I was friends with and they would go cold with me too. I asked her a few times if I'd done anything wrong or to upset her (by text of course as she refused to speak to me in person) and she had the cheek to reply that no, nothing was wrong. Looking back, she was gaslighting me, but I started to doubt myself and think maybe I was being oversensitive or silly and I even started to think of excuses in my mind for her behaviour such as her being busy or not in the mood for a chat.

Eventually I had a long chat with myself and decided that she could do as she pleased but I was no longer going to give a fuck about what she did or how she behaved. As far as I was concerned she could stuff her friendship, and all my other ex friends that she had fed with tripe were welcome to her friendship and she was welcome to them too. I had a big facebook cull and deleted anyone that I felt had treated me badly, and then held my head up high and did the school run every day, and made an effort to seek out new people to chat to that weren't connected with that woman in any way.

After a while, I noticed that she had dropped a few of the women she had turned against me. So clearly she was only being best buddies with them to get at me. Then, oddly, about 4 months ago she started talking to me again, texting me and trying to be my best friend again, and that is the stage that she is still at and she can try and try until the cows come home but she is not wheedling her way back in. I am polite to her, as it would be childish not to be, but I treat her as though she is a stranger, and am always "too busy" to chat to her. I think she absolutely hated the fact that I quite simply didn't give a shit and I effectively just sat back and let her do what she wanted. With no drama or reaction from me she didn't get what she hoped for, and I think she wanted me to be really upset and to beg and plead her to be my friend again. Our daughters are good friends at school, but I try to encourage my daughter to have other friends too, as her daughter does seem to be following a little in her footsteps (lots of dividing and conquering going on), which is inevitable if she has her mother's example to copy.

LeChat01, gosh you seemed to have handled your situation really well. i wish I could, I just get so stressed and worked up as Im not used to conflict. Same here, our daughters are 'best friends' and I am desperately trying to get my daughter to have other friends as well as her little girl is starting to say things that aren't very nice and their friendship wont go very far as my 'friend' invites everyones little girl round but mine. Can I ask, if you see her do you just say hi and walk on or do you wait for her to speak to you? I avoid eye contact and if I see her going in one direction, go in the other. This does sound childish but its more my awkwardness as I dont know how shes going to react ( sometimes she says a ridiculous hi, sometimes she ignores me and sometimes she scowls!). I am quite happy to be civil and polite but like you don't want anything more than that to do with my'alison' anymore! I still can't believe there are poeple like this out there. She too befirended frines of mine recenly ( people in the past she has been horrible about although they dont know that). I am sorry you went through this and that other people ignored you aswell, thats pathetic! I haven't had that, our mutual friends are still friendly to both of us , its just I feel awakward in social gatherings when shes there.

Laura, what I tend to do is just say a bright and breezy "Hello" and then walk off as though I've got to be somewhere. She will sometimes try to talk to me and I do answer her but I carry on walking past her whilst I reply as if I'm incredibly busy, and then just say "Bye" over my shoulder once I've exchanged a few pleasantries with her. Sometimes she will approach me at school collection and stands with me and in that case I am very very vague with her, and at the first opportunity I move and stand elsewhere "Just seen Jane over there, I need a word with her, see you later".

Regarding eye contact, I always make sure I have eye contact with her so she knows I am not intimidated, and also I made a point in the earlier days not to go a different route or inconvenience myself just because of her. I would just hold your head high, saunter on past, say a breezy Hi, and carry on walking. Then she cannot accuse you of ignoring her, but you are making the point that you don't wish to chat with her.

At social gatherings, I would just treat her like a stranger or like an acquaintance mum from school that you rarely speak to. Be polite, but try to stand in sub groups of people that she is not in, and if she chats with you be polite, vague and excuse yourself as quickly as you can.

OP, I'm annoyed for you too! I can relate as well: had a not dissimilar situation at work a few years ago. I now am surprised that I didn't see it coming.

This colleague became my 'best new friend at work' and I was gullible enough to accept her view on everyone/ everything else. I opened up to her far too much too.

She then started dropping hints that not everyone liked me/ my work, saying that it just 'didn't click' between me and my line manager etc. I became paranoid and became even more dependent on her, and started being awkward with other colleagues, resulting in me trying to avoid some of them.

It was only when she left for another job that I realised a) that she wasn't as universally popular as I thought b) that she had been badmouthing me to others while posing as my best mate
c) that in spite of all that I wasn't thought of badly; in fact, people came out of the woodwork afterwards to ask me along for lunch/ pub etc.

I now think of her as abusive really.
Good luck with breezily brushing her off, OP!

Thanks lechat01, you are right, the way Ive been I could be accused of avoiding her now ( which I have been!). I will try and do as you suggest, its def the right way to go, its just i feel so awkward. OP,I hope you are feeling stronger about it all , take care

Laura0806 I feel your pain, its tricky to get the balance right. I don't want to blank her completely, its just not me and tbh I find that kind of passive aggressive behaviour really stressful.

I am scared to say hi in case I also end up doing the high pitched squeaky thing.

I will have to master the hi, quick smile and move on technique, but the thought of seeing her at nursery still makes my stomach jump.

I hope the half term will give me some distance, we are seeing lots of people and doing lots of fun things.

OP her last text to you is really horrible. She sounds like a bully and I'm shocked she had the nerve to send it. It's like something out of mean girls. I had abusive email from a mum at school and I was upset for weeks. Fortunately it was close to the summer holidays so I could avoid her. But I'm still frightened of seeing her, because as my DH said I'll never be able to out "mad" her. You're sailing on unchartered waters.

In whatever contact you have with her remember she is in the wrong. Remember this thread and hopefully that self assurance will carry you through the 15 seconds it takes to force a smile and say a calm confident Hello.

I might though have concerns about giving her stuff to a charity shop. If she can accuse you 9 months on of stealing her DD's name without discussing with her and for stalking her .... Is she capable of twisting the fact she leant you things? Maybe get your DH to drop round instead after texting "I would be more comfortable returning to you you fucking untrustworthy loon"

If you're not worried about this, ignore my paranoia!

Oops strike out fail

SaucefortheGander that's exactly why I returned the baby bouncer so soon after, I didn't want it to become ammunition for her to be able to say she lent me stuff which I didn't return. I think I have made my point with it though and I have her text asking me to give stuff to charity so I will do exactly that. After seeing her as hugely popular I am now realising what small circles she really does move in. She can say what she likes to her friends, I doubt there are as many of them as I first feared.

Tbh she is a shopping monster and wouldn't remember half the stuff she gave me. This is the woman who had 47 pairs of baby shoes for her DD before the age of one. All to match her outfits.

I know that sounds like an exaggeration from me, I wish I was kidding, but she gave me over 20 pairs when my (name-stealer) baby was born.

Having said that I will still be giving the whole lot to charity, I don't need that many and have no desire to keep them now anyway.

The more I add to this thread the more I dislike her.

She may well remember half the stuff she gave you, as it all came with strings attached, if you knew it or not.

When my Wendy manufactured an argument with me, she sent me an e-mailed list of all the things she had 'done' for me (saying 'I'm not saying you owe me'), including the words 'I even invited your parents to my house!'. I had a list of everyting over the two years, of when she had done this or that for me. Mind you, she never mentioned the time she had an anxiety attack because of a so-called staker ex, and because she was afraid of being alone, i stayed over with her nights for 4 days. plus she never mentioned the time she was skint and i loaned her £236 pounds to pay off her overdraft, etc etc etc (never paid back). It was all about what she had done for me, or given me.

You'll hear about the baby clothes, believe me.

Wow! Just read this thread. I got about half way through the op before deciding this woman is a liar about her friendships. Bad news!

I have had a Wendy moment. It hurts to be treated badly by a grown up but they are out there (more than I realised too)

It's great to see MN being so helpful