I've been dumped by my friend and am quite upset about it :(

[redandyellowbits]

Contrary to what this might sound like, I am not a 15 year old schoolgirl. Believe it or not I am a 38yr old working woman, I have a DH, DC, great family and friends.

So here is my story...

I moved to my current city 7 years ago (for DHs job), and didn't know anyone here. After I had DD1 I made friends with Jane.

When I was pg with DD2, Jane introduced me to Alison. Turns out that DD1 and Alisons DD were only 2 weeks apart in age, and both our DC2 were due within weeks of each other.

Alison and I got on really well, and, amongst other things, we are both in mixed-culture relationships, we are of the same background, and our DHs are of a same background too.

Over the past three years we have chatted on a daily/weekly basis about kids, families, and our personal lives. We always call each other for a moan, text every now and again, although we didn't meet up much - once or twice a month maximum as we are both busy with work, families, etc. This has never been an issue, and we are both pretty independent people who like our space.

Our DC2 were born 6 weeks apart from each other, they are in the same group at nursery and are really good friends. We usually meet one day outside of nursery too and our DC2 love this.

Alison is lovely to know, and knows a lot of people. People really seem to warm to her, and, as she chats to everyone, shy mums in particular really seemed to develop close friendships with her - i.e. they would confide in her, and then get to slightly stalker-ish stage where they want to go over to her house, or always bugging her to go out, which she didn't like, but was happy to chat to them at the school gates.

Eventually it would all get a bit much for her and she would end up cutting them out. I never met these mums, but there was always one or another she would tell me about. We always joke about how she attracts weirdos.

Occasionally she would have arguments with school mums - e.g. they blocked her car in and wouldn't let her leave as she had accidentally taken one of their regular parking spaces when she first passed her test.

The latest one has been that they found out she was a parent volunteer on a week long residential trip with her DS and these school mums accused her of 'arse-licking' the teachers to get to be on the trip.

This week, she suddenly started acting really strange and off with me - I genuinely have no idea why. I invited her and her DC to my DDs birthday party via text (because I would not have seen her that day, it wasn't a nursery day). She sent me a really shirty reply. I text her back, asked if everything was ok, she said no, not really, and I called her.

She said she had been talking to the school mums - one of whom has just had a baby and the subject of baby names came up. Now my DD3 (a baby, aged 8mo) has the same name as her DD1 (Yr 1, aged 6years).

This just happened to be a name my DH liked, I asked Alison if it was ok that we used it and she said no problem, said quite happily and with no hint that it was not ok.

So she was talking to these mums, some of them know me from playgroups etc, and started telling Alison that I wasn't to be trusted, because I 'stole' her DDs name!! They said my DD3s name was of a different style to my other two DDs, and that I reminded them of the stalker mums who used to hero-worship Alison a bit. It was so ridiculous I laughed when she said this.

She said it has messed with her head, and she cant stop thinking about how silly they are, etc. I asked who said this and she doesn't want to tell me and cause further upset. Which is really frustrating for me as I am quite happy to tell them to take a running jump.

I asked if my DDs name was a problem to her (not that I can do anything about this now!) and she kept insisting it isn't. But something they said must have hit a nerve.

This all happened on Friday. She has then removed herself from a FB group conversations that Alison, Jane and I have had going for nearly a year, we are not on it every day, but all three contribute equally and use this for every day chit chat. Again I asked if anything was wrong, and I could come over to talk it through with her but she kept insisting everything is fine.

So I decided to carry on as normal, text her about something funny that happened to me this weekend as I usually would, and got very short replies - e.g. we are chilling this weekend/I am busy tomorrow/etc. So no details or natural chit-chat from her. I can tell she has decided she is going to keep me at a distance and let our friendship fizzle out.

If I am honest she is my closest friend in this city and I feel gutted for having lost a best mate when I really don't know why. There is obviously more to what the school mums have said and I am really pissed off that she has listened to them and taken their word for whatever this issue is. I have genuinely no idea what it could be, I am a pretty honest, upfront and decent person.

I also feel like a stupid schoolgirl for being upset in this way. I am also pissed off that my 3yo DC2 may be losing her friend (Alisons DC2) because of the mums falling out. But mostly quite pissed off that I am being dumped with no explanation.

Please help me to feel better about this.

Who gives a fuck if it's playing into her stalker-mum scenario? She's hardly balanced, and her stalker-mum stuff was all fiction anyway.

I must admit, I'm shocked she put that in the text about your baby's name. She doesn't sound right in the head dept, tbf.

Silly cow.

I hate to say it but I was wary of my recent Alison/Wendy because it's happened before (have I learnt my lesson or what? Maybe I learnt it a bit...). The first time it happened I was completely floored for months and months - so don't feel bad or stupid, or beat yourself up for being floored. Since when were friendships less significant than family/lovers? Someone said upthread that friendship breakups can be worse than romantic breakups, and I agree to that. Jenni Murray wrote a piece about a broken friendship, how desperately painful it had been. She had a huge response.

I would be tempted to reply "I'll hang on to the name thanks but here's a grip LOL"

I always think the best way to respond to these types is to laugh uproarously when they pull their myriad stunts. Trouble is, it's hard to produce it when your diaphragm is clenched to within an inch of its life.

Come on, it is absurd that she's making a ridiculous fuss over this!

Yes! Disco has it in one

I was really shocked to read that in her text too.

Finishing it with a 'Lol! X' is a real cowards way out of taking responsibility for the comment, as she could then say it was all a joke.

It did make me have a major wobble and wonder if I had just over-imagined things and that this fall out was all in my head though.

springymater its true that friendship breakups can be painful, but I hate that its painful to me when she obviously isn't even a nice person.

I need a phrase or tactic to keep my calm when I see her next, and when I see her and her DH at this dinner. Any inner mantras would be gratefully memorised!

Don't text her.

Let her go.

You are seeing her true colours now. She's not a friend, she's a head fuck. I suspect she picks on people she thinks may be lonely/vulnerable and I'm quite sure that people who have been around a while know exactly what she's like.

Write on a piece of paper "My friendship with Alison". Go into your garden, light it with a match and watch it disappear into thin air. Sounds crazy but it's so cathartic.

By the lunch next term you will have hardened to her and her silliness and she won't take up so much head space. I promise. I'm so "not bovvered" about my Wendy now and I never thought I would be.

Discodonkey - I like it!

My idea was to text back and say 'But nobody has stolen xxxx's name. She still has it' But that's not as good as yours!

That is so stupid, she is going out of her way to mess with how you feel about your own daughter's name.

What a fucking nutcase. Poor thing, she has to live with her own patheticness and stupidity and mindgames that everyone will see through eventually. You get to laugh and walk away.

You have to laugh.

There was a woman at my kids' primary school who was like this. So charming and such fun, one of the alpha mums; fantastic job in the arts, huge house in a very posh part of town, dripping with old money, vair posh double-barrelled...

...and she worked her way through the mums, particularly the vulnerable mums. She regularly had a new 'project' and we'd all wince that the poor woman was being taken in - it was like a love affair - and would be spat out at some stage. She also worked her way through other people's husbands, but that's another story.

I'm not suggesting you were pathetic (though you were technically 'vulnerable' because you were new and looking for friends - nothing wrong with that!), just that these types are greedy for new members to enlist into their fan club.

ok, Alison isn't not very nice. You know that now, but you didn't know that before. Of course you're going to be stunned and very hurt.

The woman I've just 'lost' - I was frequently in her (lovely) house and sometimes I took a wistful look around because I knew it was inevitable that my days were numbered. Ah well, it was fun while it lasted

is not very nice - doh!

SPicnicbasketcase you are right - I saw it as 'oh my goodness, she doesn't realise I have taken this so seriously, she's laughing about it, maybe I got it all wrong', but actually there was just no need to text that, especially in the context of our conversation about it last week.

One of the mums I confided in over lunch was Jane, our mutual friend. She listened and was very sympathetic and said that Alison does have a tendency to make mountains out of molehills, and basically agreed with the opinions on this board (albeit in a more polite way!), even though I didn't mention MN in any of this. I did say that I don't expect this to stop hers and Alisons friendship, but I will be stepping away from it, which she agreed is a good thing to do. Jane is utterly fair and grown up so I think it was the right thing to confide in her.

Anyway - she just text me and said she bumped into Alison at school and Alison didn't bat an eyelid when she mentioned my name and seeing me at lunch.

So whilst I am in bits over this she is totally unmoved by it and completely able to compartmentalise our friendship. It's really making me see how fake our friendship must have been. TBH I need to see more of this so I can convince myself she is nasty, instead of doubting myself in this instead.

It's not pathetic or teenagery to feel sideswiped and upset when same-sex friends do this. Just because you don't have sex, it doesn't mean the relationship isn't emotionally bonded and intimate - we often share much more about our inner selves with women friends than with our partners! Of course it's distressing when they 'betray' our trust. Sadly, nutcases come in all genders. The signs were there, OP, but it's just as hard to dump a close pal for being "a bit worrying" as a boyfriend.

Both my Wendys were actually called Wendy Wish I knew where this thread was!

I find it helpful to observe weird ex-friends/partners as if they were characters on TV, or even interesting wildlife specimens. (Puts on David Attenborough voice) Ah, the Alison has spotted her next prey. Will she make a move? She's circling now ... seems to be using the 'slag off another mum' ploy ... will the target bite ... ?

redandyellowbits, Im staring to think its the same women??!! Bizarrely, thats exactly how she now greets me, in this very perculair hi picthed, ridiculously forced hi. It actually shocked me the first time she did it and you feel exactly the same as me, upset with yourself for being upset. me too and I also get nervous every day I see her and liek yours, she doesn't flinch when people mention my name, ask why Im not at her latest party.I kept thinking maybe Id misread things and she wan't really locking me out of her life (even though I knew she was). Its just very hard with the mutual friends as I feel like Im going to ahv to loose all of them because I can't be at lunchs/nights out with her there and not feel so awkward by the way she treats me. maybe in time I dont know

Bugger, Wendy thread's gone. It was this one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1552200-Why-do-some-people-seem-to-have-such-a-hold-over-others. Lots of other references to bad friends as Wendys, though!

No slur intended on nice Wendys, btw, obv :)

Laugh at her. Laugh and have a jolly good time at the dinner. Act for your life like it's all a breeze and she's being silly and it's so insignificant you barely notice - in fact, you've pretty much forgotten it already. She's history, but you don't have to make a fuss and feed her killer instinct.

don't act wounded. She'll circle you if she smells blood. YOu have to stay in this group so don't feed her stuff. Brush it off as though it is insignificant. Act.

I once did this with a woman who was manipulative and threw a hissy over something or other. I said something (completely ordinary) and she exclaimed 'I beg your pardon!!' and I repeated what I'd said. completely deadpan. We were subsequently at a function and I had a marvellous time - not OTT, just had a good time - and acknowledged her when necessary, as just one of the group. I wasn't nasty, I was natural. Frankly, I was a bit amazed at myself that I could act so well. I completely pulled it off. Wasted talent, clearly.

and you also don't want to play this game: you talk to jane about alison, jane talk to alison about you and than talks back to you about alison....
don't go there...forget and move on. don't feed it. tell jane you are not interested and you don't care.
why did jane tell alison she met you for lunch if she knew everything about alison and you?
tell jane not to get involved and not to mention your name/avoid conversations about you, when she is with alison.

Dorange I hear you! Jane saw how upset I was and I think was trying to fix the three-way friendship a little.

I can see how this could spiral and make me as bad as Alison in all of this, so I will not be feeding this potential cycle and will ask Jane not to get involved.

springymater well done! Not sure I could pull that deadpan thing off, that takes balls of steel

garlicgrump I like your detachment method, I will try that when I see her after half term.

Laura0806 I feel for you, it must be tough finding yourself squeezed out of social events because of her. Could you grin and bear a few until you become a little more at ease with her being there?

You shouldn't have to be the one to end your friendships because of your Wendy.

the first time I was tangoed/Wendyed/Alisoned I was a wreck and wouldn't have been able to do that. But I got wise to the silly/manipulative/absurd goings-on after that. the blase aspect isn't so much an act any more.

Springymater I need to get to that stage. I have two weeks till the dinner so I need to have hardened up by then!

Fake it till you make it

And, as she's such a toxic cow problematic person, it stands to reason that your life will open up now. She will have held you back on some level. So it's good to be thinking 'what's next?' ie what new opportunities now?

Practise mentally flicking her like she's a nuisance fly.

It all helps

It's definitely making me re-assess things, for the better I think.

I hate being alone/bored and was hanging on to our friendship more than I should have been.

I need hobbies apart from MNing and to value other, more casual friendships more!