New partner needing 'time'

[confusedisitme]

I've recently started seeing someone - it's been under a month officially but we were very close before that for about 6 months.

He seems to come across as quite intense in his 'feelings' - always saying things like how he's broken, doesn't wan to lose me (said in that breathless, urgent way you'd imagine someone to say it in a cheesy american movie!) and the first week we were together he kept saying how strong his feelings were, felt like we'd been together a lot longer and all that stuff.

However, because he'd recently split up with someone and because of the fact I don't get on with a family member of his (I knew this family member before I knew him and we've never got along), he's been reluctant to tell anyone he's seeing me - he wanted to wait until the summer and then he felt like he'd be able to tell his close family members (including this person that hates me).
This caused issues between us, because I felt like we couldn't go out anywhere - he'd come and visit me at home, stay over etc and we have been out a few times out of town, but I want to just be able to go to the local restaurant or something in town and not worry that he'll be looking over his shoulder. He says I want everything 'now' and it's not possible...so because of this we argue - not full on rows, but niggly sort of things where usually one of us says we can't cope with it, and it's all up in the air again.

We were due to go out last night together, in town for a meal.

It'd been planned for 2 weeks, I had got my mum to have my three children overnight so we could go out (which meant me buying air beds and a travel cot so they could sleep at her house), and then Friday morning I had asked him to come over that night because we had been arguing and I wanted to try and fix us before I could go out with him the next night...eventually he agreed, we had a slight niggle but the rest of the night was fine, he said he couldn't lose me, the next morning he was very loving and we left on a good note - although he hadn't gone to sleep when I told him to that night, instead he kept trying it on for 90 minutes so we ended up only having about 4 hours' sleep :(

It got to 5pm on Saturday, the kids had already gone to my mum's and he text saying he was very tired, hadn't had a chance to sleep and would have to stay home - then didn't seem to understand why I was pissed off. I asked him to stick to the arrangements, he said he needed sleep and it spiralled into this massive argument and him refusing to even come over and see me, but stay in the house with me and not go out...which annoyed me further.

Eventually at 9pm he agreed to come over but sleep on the sofa, but said it would be finished for good if I "made him" come over...so he turned up, was very cold (I'd hoped I could win him round a bit but it didn't happen) and eventually left again after saying he couldn't handle this, and I should've let him stay at home.

He's now saying we need to "work on positive texts and see how we go" - we can't see each other now until the weekend after next as we both have commitments, so he wants me to basically just send him chatty, random texts through the next couple of weeks, effectively covering up how hurt I am and not talking about 'us' until he decides whether he misses me and wants to try again or not.

I understand that all this arguing has got him down; it has me too, but on Friday night he said he can't lose me with that sense of urgency and passion that made it seem like he loved me...then last night he said his feelings had significantly reduced over the past week or so and he wants to se if he can get them back - to me, I don't want to wait around to see if his feelings reappear; if they went in the first place (mine haven't, despite the arguing) then it feels like I'd be losing the self respect I still have left by taking him back if he decided he wanted to.

Does that make sense at all?

Apologies for the essay...I suppose I'm just wondering if he's being unreasonable in what he's asking of me now, or I am.

PS - he did text me last night saying that he can't see how he can be with me, but the thought of not being with me hurts him like crazy; and that he just needs a bit of space from the arguing, and just positive texting for a week or so, and see if it helps his feelings reappear.

And his facebook exchanges with you are a bit rum, bearing in mind he is double your age. The DIRTY OLD MAN.

Sorry Confused, I wasn't thinking anything sinister when I posted last. I meant that most people would guide a child to sit properly on a bus, it's not something special to share that idea.

I did say pretty "for me".

I'm not photogenic, so when I find a photo of myself I'm happy to use, then I use it.

GetOrf he did say later on in the messages that "some people might think I'm just a dirty old man trying to chat up a pretty young woman". The more I type, the more I am realising though, you know. It's not lost on me.

Scrazy - I've had people tutting and commenting before when I've told DD to close her legs...saying things along the line of "she's a child, let her be one" - well, I had it once and it bothered me.
And the amount of children I see chatting away to strangers or acting in ways I wouldn't like my children to, I don't think everyone shares the same ideas as me - and I meant it in the context of just generally children having manners, proper 'old fashioned' type values which they don't all have nowadays.

By the way I do realise that the way I'm coming across is that someone criticises something I've done or whatever, and I immediately come up with an excuse as to why I'm 'right'.

Another point about my DD - the reason that discussion came about is I was saying that I don't want to scare my DD into thinking everyone is 'dangerous', but there is this one guy on our bus who is maybe mid 40s, catches it every day and is maybe harmless but he seems to have mental issues and takes a keen interest in my children, staring and smiling at them, he held my youngest's hand in the pushchair the other day (!) and so DD because this guy is smiling, smiles back and I'm worried it's encouraging him. So I have to keep reminding her not to smile at strangers who act that way, don't act over friendly towards them, and sitting properly follows on from that.

I wonder if the head has her brother working there to keep an eye on him. He sounds socially inept, to put it kindly. He has acted like a dirty old man. You should steer clear of him, he is going to make your problems worse.

I agree with everyone who's remarked on your abnormal attention to men's reactions to you. You attach too much importance to little things and you over-invest them with signs of attraction. You're youngish and pretty. It's normal that men would look at you and act a bit flirty around you. Do you dress in an unusual way, take more care of your appearance than the average mum, behave more expressively than most of the others? A pretty woman calling attention to herself will attract attention from men. It doesn't mean anything much at all.

You seem to have interpreted avoidant or worried behaviour as signs of uncontrollable desire. This is typical of a fantasist, I'm afraid, and would explain why some people think you a bit stalkerish.

Really, love, steer clear of 'Janny'. He's a bit wrong in some way, the very last complication you need in your life right now.

Whoa! A middle-aged man on the bus held your baby's hand? What did you do?

has anyone linked to this one yet? Sorry if it's been done but I'm finding hard to keep trawling back through this thread as it's so long and confusing. but seriously OP you've had some shit to deal with that has totally skewed your perceptions of normal relationships and I think you should forget dating anyone for the time being and ask your GP to refer you for some urgent counselling.

and this one

garlic didn't notice for a while as the pushchair was facing him but just sort of moved the buggy away and gave the guy a 'look'. Didn't know what else to do, he's on the bus every day so now I just distract the kids if they start looking or smiling at him.

Oh and no - if anything, I usually looked harassed, sticky up hair (it's kind of wavy so has a mind of it's own), not much make up...always wear my coat...definitely not trying to attract men at all!

fell why do you keep looking for my old threads?! And the last one has been posted before.

OMG I've just read the OP of the first thread Fell linked to. You poor girl!

I'm really sorry if any of my comments have sounded like that absolutely horrible thing your mum said to you. I can see that they might. You didn't deserve any of it, and you should have been given plenty of sympathy and counselling.

I would suggest with some confidence that your early experiences did shape your current maladaptive relationship style. Please print out that other OP and take it to your GP. And stay away from janitor man, for your own future wellbeing. x

Because confused I am looking of for the one I am convinced was you and I can't bloody well find it and it's making me cross.

There are so many parallels with this thread that I can't rest until I've found it.

But the point is, by us linking all these u=other threads in different names surely you can see you have a serious problem with obsession? No-one normal goes over and over the same (mostly imagined) looks and signs and brushes of the hand and innocent comments and obsesses over them to the degree that you are doing - can't you see that? It's not healthy. You really do need to seek some help. As garlic said, you may have plenty of just cause to be messed up, but YOU HAVE TO TAKE STEPS TO STOP IT NOW.

I can see why you behave like a 15 year old now. It seems you have had only two 'relationships' if they can even be called that, and by most people's standards they are not real relationships at all, and both those men are 20 and 30 years older than you!

This is all about boundaries, by the way. The abuse in your childhood stopped you developing a strong, healthy sense of what is "not all right" treatment of you. It's not your fault and it can be fixed with proper help and some work.

The way it works is like this, in summary: It's more common than it should be for blokes to act a bit creepy, especially around pretty women. When this happens to a woman who grew up to have healthy boundaries and self-worth, she thinks "Eeuw! Avoid", and bats away his attention. Women who have been abused are more likely to feel they should be polite, or compliant, or grateful, or not make a fuss. So they don't fuck-off the weirdos, and end up having complicated, dysfunctional interactions with them. All because they were improperly taught what they are worth and what to accept. This is why child abuse is so dreadful.

You can fix it. As soon as you figure out the cause-and-effect sequence, you're on the way to recovery. And your GP should definitely refer you to the MH team for some high quality counselling (may take a while, though.)

Well I've deliberately stayed away from being with men, that's why!

I've had relationships, just not with men.

Men aren't usually on my radar...the thing with my ex was just a fuck up from the start, with this guy I (maybe mistakenly) felt some kind of connection and he seemed genuine.

I truly think it WAS me - this guy has built me up so much and it's my picking and picking at it that caused the arguments. He turned up at my door with flowers once; I told him it was over and slammed the door in his face :(

And I'm honestly not the type to go thinking 'everything' I've been through is my fault - my past...none of that was my fault, I know that.

And I actually feel I'm a bloody strong person for not crumbling after everything that happened to me; and I'm still on ok terms with my mum.

I get your point, garlic but that's why I thought long and hard once I realised I like this guy.

Yes, the messages he sent me were flirty but why creepy? I did tell him it was a bit weird that he looked me up through my child on the first aid list, as well as probably a breach of confidentiality and he apologised, but he really has done so much to try and make me see I'm worth more than what my ex put me through, to carry on with the course I want to go on (had some set backs)...it felt like he was genuine.

Why creepy? This:-

he did say later on in the messages that "some people might think I'm just a dirty old man trying to chat up a pretty young woman".

When a man tells you who he is, you should listen!

Incidentally, he was testing your boundaries with that remark. If yours were strong & healthy, you would think Yes, he is just a dirty old man ... I'm not trying to trample on your dreams, just showing you where this boundary business comes into play. Why else would he write such a thing?

Hmm. Because it's what people WOULD assume when they saw someone of his age and someone of my age together?

He looked you up through your child's entry on the first aid register?
I thought you initiated contact with him, to say thank you for being friendly at the PTA meeting,
()

How did you get his details?

Not that it matters because I do see your point, but I just looked at my messages to find the context in which he mentioned the 'dirty old man' thing and it's after I had said that I was wondering whether he had issues with my age (as previously to that he had hinted that he did), he aid he didn't really think about age...just saw an attractive person who responded in a friendly manner..and then said I guess some people would see me as a dirty old man...etc. The majority of our messages at the start, looking back, were random stuff like where we're both from, my previous business breeding chickens and then he said he used to have a smallholding in wales, I asked why he moved and he told me it was due to a split, then we went onto our interests...there was more general chat than I thought, actually.

It only started getting properly flirty once I (yes, me! I know you're going to say stupid girl!) gave him my number to text after a couple of weeks.

When I first went into school doing PTA stuff, I was told to go and find this guy (they said his name, I didn't know who he was) in the school hall to ask about where to put the rubbish I'd accumulated.

So I did and that's how we got chatting. Saw him a few more times after that and he always came and talked.

I contacted him on facebook saying the stuff I did...thanks etc., and it was only after we'd met up that he admitted he'd looked me up on the first aid list or whatever to find out my name. I did ask why he hadn't just asked my name, but he said he hadn't had a chance.

This is becoming something of an endurance test.

I'll tell you what confused, as you clearly don't want or need our advice and doing all this over-anaysing seems to give you a sense of purpose, why don't you just do whatever the hell you like? Text him now, demand that he comes round tonight, keep him up all night talking by being needy and demanded endless reassurance, deliberately start an argument, tell him to fuck off, and then start all over again the next day until he finally, finally drops dead with the exhaustion of it all, ro goes to Australia.

And then you can turn your attentions to the next person who accidentally catches your eye for a spilt second - a librarian, or your GP for example.

You know you want to.

There. Sorted.

Yes, why not, op? You clearly have no problem with this man spending the night in your home, despite earlier posting that you don't allow friends to come round as this may confuse your children.
Not sure what type of friends you're referring to; but it sounds very screwed up thinking.

Love, you need some help. Please take me at face value saying this, I am completely serious. Go to the GP and ask her to refer you for some specialised psychological therapy, ideally with a practitioner who is experienced in dealing with clients who have ASD or obsessional thinking.

It will make such a difference to your life and happiness, and that of your children.

I don't know if the OP is someone with huge issues, or one of our friends winding us all up and laughing in glee.

It makes bloody sad reading, but I think all of us could give advice until the cows come home and it won't be listened to at all.

I don't want to take the piss or anything so will just bow out I think.

The sad thing is, this could well be serious. Having been in the kind of relationship where I was told "I love you" on the first date, and believed it, such was the intensity/fellow feeling/attraction etc etc, I can tell you first hand that it happens. I had very screwed up boundaries at the time, was deeply unhappy and was just waiting for mr Twat-in-shining-armour to show up and lead me away to my happy-ever-after which I was convinced would come despite all the gaslighting, crazy-making shit of the sort detailed above.

So yeah, all too believable, sadly.

Op, please for the love of God, I'm worried about you. You are obsessed with this and aren't letting go. Posting here, there and everywhere will not get you a different answer. This "relationship" isn't going anywhere and it's not healthy.

I've been looking on another forum (just browsing) and seen you've started a thread there TODAY about this situation.

Please see your GP and follow through with what they suggest. If you don't deal with this, someone at your child's school, either a parent or the school, will make a referral to SS and you will be forced to deal with this, the school will b involved and I know you will then feel uncomfortable about the school knowing. If you speak to your GP and co-operate this can hopefully be dealt with privately. If you don't deal with this, your children will be identified as needed help and then I worry you will feel somehow betrayed by the school and this will cloud your thinking and affect your response to treatment.

Please reach out to your GP. You've had a tough life but went on to have 3 lovely children who it is clear from your posts that you adore, please do it for them.

I wish you well op, I really do x

OP: You're a car crash waiting to happen. And I mean that kindly. Stop engaging with this man. Stop speaking to him/seeking him out. Stop reading things into situations that aren't there. Just leave it go. Go and see your GP and get some counselling.