ExH has suddenly switched to (aggressive) super-dad mode

[Hrrrm]

Well. This might be long, but it keeps going round my head and is driving me mental, so I really need some help.

Ex and I have been separated for 3 years since I found out he'd been contacting escorts. We're now getting started on the divorce.

Our DD is 4, so will be starting school in September. She lives with me, no overnight stays with her dad for good (imo) reasons. He is now beginning to insist that this will happen soon.

She's been at nursery since she was little, and I sorted all of that - found nursery, did settling in, filled in forms, replied to invitations etc. I told ExH about everything and asked for his input, but he hasn't been that bothered - he went to parents's evening twice, and in total picked DD up/dropped her off about 10 times over the course of several years.

Now school. We went to a 'new parents' meeting the other day, and things are suddenly very different. He's got opinions on name labels, spoke to the teacher about DD being too young to start ft straightaway (I'm not worried and had no idea he was), is insisting that we fill in all forms together. He wants to join the PTA and take part in bake sales (he hasn't baked a cake for about 8 years, whereas I bake regularly and it's kind of 'my thing').

He's insisting on attending 2 of 3 settling in sessions but is not bothered about sports day. He's also suddenly managed to convince his boss to let him drop DD off and pick her up at least once a week (he works ft, I work very flexible pt and have to go past the school to get to work/home). He just decided this, arranged it and then told me rather than talk to me about it first.

Now I don't mind that he wants to be more involved - it'll be great for DD, and I don't see why he shouldn't. But why now?! Why hasn't he bothered with nursery? Why can he rearrange his working hours now, but couldn't in the last couple of years?

He is being very aggressive towards me and I feel as if he's trying to take over DD's life. I know if he has any concerns he will go straight to the teacher and that will be the first I hear of it. I have always talked to him first and then acted, and I think that's how it should be.

I must add that he's extremely angry with me because we wanted different schools for DD. I wanted her to go to this one which has been around for decades and a solid good school. He wanted the new school where I felt really uncomfortable but his boss is head of governors. We argued for ages about which to have as first choice until he gave in 2 days before the deadline.

DD got into my preferred school, and he's now saying he can't trust me because I apparently think I'm the more important parent and have a greater right to make decisions. I don't think that, it's just that when a decision needed to be made at nursery, he shrugged and wasn't bothered.

I have always forwarded all info to him, but he never asked nursery to send it to him directly. He is going to ask the school to send all paperwork to him. I know it's his right and that's fine, but why now and not before?

I'm really confused by this sudden change in attitude and I'm worried I won't get a look in. He knows how to throw his weight around and how to minimise my role. He's not a team person and proud of it - it'll be his way or the highway.

What do I do? I don't want to spend 13 years arguing over decisions as stupid as exactly which name labels to use. I also don't want the school to think that I'm not bothered because he will make himself look like the most caring involved dad who is looking out for his daughter. Even worse, I don't want the school to single DD out as the child with the warring parents who are both rubbish.

Help?!

Yes, I can see that that is a possible outcome and in some way makes sense. Ex's family is in the UK, but he has cut contact with every single one of them. I see my family twice a year or so and DD speaks to them on the phone. So she'd be part of a family in my home country whereas here all three of us are completely isolated.

Still, knowing about my plans doesn't give ex the right to go on a paranoid offensive.

Yeah of course it does OP.

You've said he loves her, think aof nice things to do with her, hasnt and wouldn't be violent, supports her financially, will always have her extra time.

If someone told me they were planning on taking my DD away overseas Id do everything I could to stop them.he has had advice, he's playing smart and playing the long game. You'll never get a court to agree to let you take her out of the country when she has an establishe relationship with her father.

Yes, thanks. No need to ram the point home. I get it.

I've read the whole thread and his behaviour has definitely been nasty towards you, he sounds very spiteful and vindictive, and I think you should withdraw as much as possible and avoid letting him pull you in to arguments and discussions about silly things. As they say, 'choose your battles'. If he's deadset on a certain type of name label let him get them. In the greater scheme of things that stuff doesn't count for anything.

Don't let him get anything 'incriminating' from you by text or email. Definitely don't mention moving out of the country that way. If you have, communicate the same way again and say you've changed your mind (and keep the text/email yourself as proof.)

If I were you I woudl be careful of your cyber-trail. I would delete threads on a regular basis if the mods are okay with that (take notes of anything useful first), post again for each new issue. Does he know your username, or your email password?. If so, change email and namechange on this site. I know it's a faff, but I would rather be too paranoid than not enough!

Have you seen anyone about representation yet? Maybe contact the CAB or wome womens charities to find out if anyone could fund you/give you a loan.

And please reconsider your plans to move. It's very unlikely to be allowed, it could potentially go against you in a custody hearing if you are saying you'd take dd away from him altogether. And do you realise that if you take her out of the country without his consent you could potentially be charged with kidnapping? I know that's the case in the USA, I imagine there are similar laws here. Maybe someone with a better understanding of family law could advise you.

I would still talk to a solicitor. I'd say nothing about the moving plan anymore though and if he ever mentions it I would say 'Well, it's not really a goer, is it?' You are going to have to play the long game here as well. Document everything.

You never know, he may turn out to be the kind of man who meets a new partner, starts a new family, then pretty much leaves his old child behind - like my dd!

That may not be nice to hear, even in your circumstances, but you never know how things can change. You may meet someone in a while and decide to stay. If a move wouldn't even be on the cards for a few years, then just forget about it for now.

• I meant df not dd, still getting used to these abbreviations!

Not sure he'd lose interest in DD if he met someone new. Thanks for the advice. I do know it's a criminal offence to take a child out of the country without the other parent's consent. Obviously I'm not going to shoot myself in the foot.

Going to let sleeping dogs lie and not mention the moving plan again.

Don't think he'd know passwords as I change them regularly.

I think SingingSilver has good advice.

The advice about engaging a solicitor may seem dramatic but you don't need to 'do' anything, just to find out where you stand. You never know, your ex may send you a solicitors letter out of the blue (certainly sounds like he's planning something and it sounds as though he enjoys upsetting you so it wouldn't be out of character) so wouldn't it be best to have some advice and back up. Think of it like insurance. You may not ever need it, but it's good to know it's there.

I would also repeat that it's not a good idea to rely on 'hope' and someone behaving decently when they have demonstrated that they won't/can't.