ExH has suddenly switched to (aggressive) super-dad mode

[Hrrrm]

Well. This might be long, but it keeps going round my head and is driving me mental, so I really need some help.

Ex and I have been separated for 3 years since I found out he'd been contacting escorts. We're now getting started on the divorce.

Our DD is 4, so will be starting school in September. She lives with me, no overnight stays with her dad for good (imo) reasons. He is now beginning to insist that this will happen soon.

She's been at nursery since she was little, and I sorted all of that - found nursery, did settling in, filled in forms, replied to invitations etc. I told ExH about everything and asked for his input, but he hasn't been that bothered - he went to parents's evening twice, and in total picked DD up/dropped her off about 10 times over the course of several years.

Now school. We went to a 'new parents' meeting the other day, and things are suddenly very different. He's got opinions on name labels, spoke to the teacher about DD being too young to start ft straightaway (I'm not worried and had no idea he was), is insisting that we fill in all forms together. He wants to join the PTA and take part in bake sales (he hasn't baked a cake for about 8 years, whereas I bake regularly and it's kind of 'my thing').

He's insisting on attending 2 of 3 settling in sessions but is not bothered about sports day. He's also suddenly managed to convince his boss to let him drop DD off and pick her up at least once a week (he works ft, I work very flexible pt and have to go past the school to get to work/home). He just decided this, arranged it and then told me rather than talk to me about it first.

Now I don't mind that he wants to be more involved - it'll be great for DD, and I don't see why he shouldn't. But why now?! Why hasn't he bothered with nursery? Why can he rearrange his working hours now, but couldn't in the last couple of years?

He is being very aggressive towards me and I feel as if he's trying to take over DD's life. I know if he has any concerns he will go straight to the teacher and that will be the first I hear of it. I have always talked to him first and then acted, and I think that's how it should be.

I must add that he's extremely angry with me because we wanted different schools for DD. I wanted her to go to this one which has been around for decades and a solid good school. He wanted the new school where I felt really uncomfortable but his boss is head of governors. We argued for ages about which to have as first choice until he gave in 2 days before the deadline.

DD got into my preferred school, and he's now saying he can't trust me because I apparently think I'm the more important parent and have a greater right to make decisions. I don't think that, it's just that when a decision needed to be made at nursery, he shrugged and wasn't bothered.

I have always forwarded all info to him, but he never asked nursery to send it to him directly. He is going to ask the school to send all paperwork to him. I know it's his right and that's fine, but why now and not before?

I'm really confused by this sudden change in attitude and I'm worried I won't get a look in. He knows how to throw his weight around and how to minimise my role. He's not a team person and proud of it - it'll be his way or the highway.

What do I do? I don't want to spend 13 years arguing over decisions as stupid as exactly which name labels to use. I also don't want the school to think that I'm not bothered because he will make himself look like the most caring involved dad who is looking out for his daughter. Even worse, I don't want the school to single DD out as the child with the warring parents who are both rubbish.

Help?!

You need to stop telling him what you are thinking (eg telling him you were surprised... ) or thinking about what he is thinking.or reminding him. Waste of time. If he has the dates or can look them up then just carry on you and dd. if he turns up no prob. If he does not, no prob. Not your job to think about what he missing out on or not.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

It's difficult to switch it off. Today was a small step I think.

"you are dd's current resident parent?"

What was THAT dig about?

Oh no, I hadn't even picked up on that! That's unbelievable.

Oh well, to be any kind of parent you actually have to turn up to stuff, I reckon.

Please be careful, my ex is determined to get custody. Partly due to money and also control. He started with school - concerned parent, always there, do homework etc. I went along with this like you thinking that good relationships were more important, then he tried to play games, so I now won't have joint meetings at school. It is very stressful, but you do need proper advice. It has cost me a fortune, my DS is confused, but I know that I am doing the right thing.

So sad really.

I've been through this and agree with everyone else that you absolutely must go to a solicitor. I understand why you want to be reasonable but you CAN'T be reasonable with this man because he is not affording you the same courtesy. Do you think he's being reasonable and thinking about what's best for you and DD in the same way you're thinking about him? Like hell he is.

Also (apologies if this sounds blunt) you are engaging with your ex far too much and this is giving him power over you, so you need to stop it. Don't tell him when events are, don't invite him to things.

Read back what he says to you and you'll realise this is a typical bullies trick he is playing to keep you wrongfooted and on the defensive.

My advice would be to keep all communications written (email, text) Don't have a telephone or face to face conversation unless absolutely necessary. And, like others have mentioned keep a diary, record all of this (you could print off this thread and keep it).

Confused That's awful. I can see my ex going the same way. Do the teachers not mind having 2 meetings about the same child?

Ada Would you believe I have already disengaged quite a lot?! I used to invite him over for dinner and he used to tell me I should be grateful he came because I wanted to eat together more than he did. Ffs. Can't believe how stupid I've been.

"current resident parent"

and you want to move abroad in a couple of years?

His plan is for you to go on your own.

no doubt he has some half-baked plan to get an au pair or something, or his mum will help out, or whatever, so that he can work and have residence of DD.

I believe you, and I certainly don't think you're stupid - my ex sounds very similar to yours and I recognise a lot of what you say, including all the not being able to put my finger on what made me uneasy because on the face of it he wasn't doing anything wrong..

However, what did suprise me was that other people did think he was doing something wrong, that he was a manipulative bully and they saw through him.

It's a hard lesson to learn but you can't be reasonable with someone who isn't prepared to be reasonable to you.

Please do go for a solicitor for some advice, because I think you need that back up.

The thing is, what advice would a solicitor be able to give me at this point? Probably to disengage, communicate only in writing and when necessary, focus on DD. As nothing official is actually happening, a solicitor would be able to 'do' anything right now.

Yes, ex has gleefully told me that I can feel free to move back to my home country on my own. As if that was ever going to happen.

I need to save up for the court fees so I can get the divorce started, and then I'll see if he starts kicking off. (He doesn't want me to use UB for the reason and wants to punish me by insisting on overnight contact.)

A solicitor wouldn't be able to do anything... (Typo)

A solicitor COULD do a lot......in addition to the above.

It could all be put in legal terms, officially & calmly and need not go to court if both sides can agree

Why are you even bothering to be reasonable with this bully.

Quite simply step away, send copies of anything regarding your daughter to him & request school to do same (reports etc) but don't speak to him directly. Email & texts will give you a timeline of events/ actions.

Don't mention going home at any point until this is all over & you are sorted.

It will be very difficult to move back to your home country with her if he continues to be very involved/ he gets overnights etc.

Please tell me someone has said this to you already?

A solicitor can help you get residence formally, which means peace of mind for you and DD.

Do you think your ex wouldn't go for residence...? You may not even have considered it thinking he wouldn't dare or he couldn't be bothered but I bet you anything that's what's behind this.

I realise that might sound melodramatic but please don't underestimate the lengths people like your ex will go to get what they want.

'Getting residence' would mean getting a residence order. Judges only do orders when parents can't agree. We agree (albeit for now, apparently!) that DD lives with me, so I wouldn't be able to get a residence order. If things intensify, perhaps it'll become an option.

Unfortunately I am aware that the more involved ex is, the more difficult it will be to move. I am hoping he's all talk though, as today suggests. At the same time though, I don't want to limit DD's time with her dad, provided he's stable.

I think you may have to forget the idea of leaving the country until (not sure when exactly... I know there is an age where children can have their desires taken into account in court, 8 or 9?) But when it comes to removing a child from the country of the other parent it may be more complicated.

I don't know much about these things, but I'm fairly certain you can't take her out of the country without his permission, and v.v.

I just think that until you have more information, put your home country on the back-burner. Even better, tell ex-dh that you are staying put. It could possibly be something he could try to use against you.

I wouldn't reply to anything he sends or says. Block and delete. Do not respond.

Let it end up in court.

Stop indulging and responding. You are arranging, in effect, for your child to stay with a man who has shown no concern for her, who treats her mother like a piece of dog shit and uses faux-legalese to push his point.

If he wants to see his daughter, after such a feckless attitude, he needs to prove himself.

So just don't reply. At all. To anything. Let him pay for the court proceedings. Represent yourself and say very little. He's a lightweight who doesn't love his daughter at all - because if he did he would have not been able to walk like he has.

There is a reason for what he is doing now - and that reason will only serve his own interests.

Ignore. Do not rise. Ignore ignore and just wait.

What do you mean 'provided he's stable'? Is there a reason why he would ever not be?

You haven't said much about whether he acts like he loves her, or is it that he believes he owns her?

Has he ever been violent? Do you think he might , after your split and perhaps making the most of his freedom to do God knows what,have reached a point where the novelty has now worn off and he is focusing his unresolved anger on you?

How far do you think he would go to hurt you?

Sorry for all the questions - I know you may not want to give too much away but there are things unsaid or hinted at in your posts that are a bit worrying.

I think its time you started boxing clever. Stop engaging with him - this allows him to manipulate you. Keep a record of the weird stuff he says, don't pick him up on it, just write it down. He is arrogant and will think you don't register or just accept it. Consider telling him that you have reconsidered moving to your home county and are not going to do it. Say that you don't want your daughter to miss him or whatever.

He'd never get violent, I'm sure about that. I assume he loves DD, he's always happy to spend more time with her and pay for things if required. He occasionally thinks of nice things to so with her at the weekend. He's just very keen to insist on 'his rights'.

well, ok then, perhaps he was speaking to one of his solicitor friends about your plans to move abroad and they told him he would need to be very proactive and involved so as to be best placed to prevent you from doing so. He isn't going about it in a very nice way but you can't criticise him for the fact of it, if that is his motivation.

I think the threat to move abroad with your daughter hanging over things doesn't help the situation. Perhaps he would be less aggressive about things if that threat was removed?

I do sympathize, and I have a similarly manipulative ex. But I do think you have to be clear about what you actually want out of this, and what is achievable legally.

I don't think you can keep him at arm's length with a view to being able to leave the country with your DD in a few years. (Not accusing you of plotting anything, btw - I think you are really trying to be fair). Like Singing, I think you'll have difficulty leaving the country till your DD is in her teens and can choose this (if she does).

If he does want to be involved with school, well, he's not doing anything wrong legally. You're right that if he went to court and asked for overnight contact, he would get it.

I tend to agree with you that a solicitor can't do much at the moment. I think you have to keep your powder dry until he starts doing something demonstrably harmful to your DD.

I can see your point about removing the threat. However, that is my plan, and confronting him with the done deal when I've arranged everything wouldn't work either. I thought it would be better to be explicit from the beginning.

I really hope he won't stop me from going. Crossing my fingers that, as with the school stuff, he's all talk and no action.

I also thought "new girlfriend" when I read your OP.

I don't think there's a huge amount you can do. Being involved with the school at least means you don't have the hassle of copying him in on all paperwork and correspondence. I'd leave him to it, he'll eithe stick at it and it will be good for DD or he'll burn out and things will go back to normal.

As for overnights, I can't see any reason you've said for him not to have her overnight. The fact he's changed his work hours to be able to collect and take her to school one day a week is a positive sign, although I see why you question his motives. It seems he may well have done that to
be able to facilitate overnight contact.

Did I read right in that you plan to move overseas in a few years? Is it possible he has got wind of that? If your DD is settled at school here, has friends and relatives here
and most importantly, has her (involved) dad here then you'll be very pushed to get a court to agree
to you taking her with you overseas. Perhaps he's taken advice of what to put in place now to ensure you can't take her to live overseas in the future.

Oops. It seems two other posters beat me to it.

OP you are aware your chances of getting permission to remove DD from her home country, school, relatives, friends and father is very slim.

He sounds exactly like he will try and stop you
and I wouldn't blame him.