ExH has suddenly switched to (aggressive) super-dad mode

[Hrrrm]

Well. This might be long, but it keeps going round my head and is driving me mental, so I really need some help.

Ex and I have been separated for 3 years since I found out he'd been contacting escorts. We're now getting started on the divorce.

Our DD is 4, so will be starting school in September. She lives with me, no overnight stays with her dad for good (imo) reasons. He is now beginning to insist that this will happen soon.

She's been at nursery since she was little, and I sorted all of that - found nursery, did settling in, filled in forms, replied to invitations etc. I told ExH about everything and asked for his input, but he hasn't been that bothered - he went to parents's evening twice, and in total picked DD up/dropped her off about 10 times over the course of several years.

Now school. We went to a 'new parents' meeting the other day, and things are suddenly very different. He's got opinions on name labels, spoke to the teacher about DD being too young to start ft straightaway (I'm not worried and had no idea he was), is insisting that we fill in all forms together. He wants to join the PTA and take part in bake sales (he hasn't baked a cake for about 8 years, whereas I bake regularly and it's kind of 'my thing').

He's insisting on attending 2 of 3 settling in sessions but is not bothered about sports day. He's also suddenly managed to convince his boss to let him drop DD off and pick her up at least once a week (he works ft, I work very flexible pt and have to go past the school to get to work/home). He just decided this, arranged it and then told me rather than talk to me about it first.

Now I don't mind that he wants to be more involved - it'll be great for DD, and I don't see why he shouldn't. But why now?! Why hasn't he bothered with nursery? Why can he rearrange his working hours now, but couldn't in the last couple of years?

He is being very aggressive towards me and I feel as if he's trying to take over DD's life. I know if he has any concerns he will go straight to the teacher and that will be the first I hear of it. I have always talked to him first and then acted, and I think that's how it should be.

I must add that he's extremely angry with me because we wanted different schools for DD. I wanted her to go to this one which has been around for decades and a solid good school. He wanted the new school where I felt really uncomfortable but his boss is head of governors. We argued for ages about which to have as first choice until he gave in 2 days before the deadline.

DD got into my preferred school, and he's now saying he can't trust me because I apparently think I'm the more important parent and have a greater right to make decisions. I don't think that, it's just that when a decision needed to be made at nursery, he shrugged and wasn't bothered.

I have always forwarded all info to him, but he never asked nursery to send it to him directly. He is going to ask the school to send all paperwork to him. I know it's his right and that's fine, but why now and not before?

I'm really confused by this sudden change in attitude and I'm worried I won't get a look in. He knows how to throw his weight around and how to minimise my role. He's not a team person and proud of it - it'll be his way or the highway.

What do I do? I don't want to spend 13 years arguing over decisions as stupid as exactly which name labels to use. I also don't want the school to think that I'm not bothered because he will make himself look like the most caring involved dad who is looking out for his daughter. Even worse, I don't want the school to single DD out as the child with the warring parents who are both rubbish.

Help?!

You're not going to 'talk round' a person that shagged prostitutes and thought it was you that needed help. Please wake up and smell the coffee.

he is quite right to become more of a father than he has been up to this point. he should be doing more for her and being more involved. unless there is violence? then there is no reason for him not to be involved more and have her overnight with him. however the sudden agression with which he is doing it is worrying and makes me think there is an agenda, which obviously you suspect too. if he genuinely wants to be more involved then he is right to put the ground work in now so that his daughter cant suddenly be pulled from his life when you decide you're moving. however he cant bully his way into your shoes. no way. get yourself legal representation and do what is right and fair for your daughter

no he wont be talked round. he really wont. i understand your reluctance to 'officially' escalate things (i was tehre recently and had put it off for as long as possible because i thought i could eventually appeal to his better nature- well he hasn't got one) but he soudns like a manipulative bully and you will just be stalling the inevitable if you put this off. and playing right into his hands as all this while he will be creating more links between himself and DD's school etc. take control of this before you are being swept along by him and his 'friends' (lawyers)

and no- i wouldn't enter into any mediation with this man for the exact reasons you said. you dont sound as if you feel able to refute any claims he makes to a third party. this would be another way for him to control you.

Well yes. I have been desperate for some involvement from him in the last couple if years and would like to work together for DD's benefit. But the way he's going about it is bizarre.

Yes, I think so too. But I can hardly get a solicitor to limit his involvement with the school because there is nothing wrong with that as such.
He is also worryingly skilled at lying and rewriting history. A few weeks ago he told me that because DD is half me (and half him) and he hates me so much, he hates a little bit of her too. I reminded him of this and of course he denied he ever said it. It's enough to send you round the bend.

i really do know what you are feeling. i have been there. i have been bending over backwards for the last 2.5 years to 'help' exp be more involved. he couldn't be arsed. doesn't want it. too much like effort for him. so i've given up and he hates it. has tried to exert some control over me by cutting the dc's hair all of a sudden when he never bothered about their hair before.

you need to lose the shell shock about this behaviour (i know it must be quite confusing but you dont have time to be confused) and get yourself armed up and protected. believe me, he will be doing all he can to make this situation as beneficial for him as possible. monday morning you need to be getting an appointment with a solicitor. you really do.

A solicitor won't limit his involvement with the school but they will draw up an agreed contact schedule that is legally binding. Your main problem is that every time he engineers these little points of contact he uses the opportunity to chip away further at your confidence. (Like you were in two minds for a second that you are your DD's primary carer) He lies, gaslights, rewrites history and none of it can be used in evidence because he's careful to keep it verbal. You need the solicitor to act as a barrier against all of this rubbish and to help you retain clarity.

Don't worry, he won't be able to sustain it. He is probably doing all this for show because your dd is going to 'proper' school. He will soon bore of the reality of it.

I do wonder why/if you have to involve him in everything so much? Especially as you have been separated for 3 years, from when she was only 1. I am separated too and when my dc go to secondary school, I alone shall be choosing the school. I will make all the big decisions and all the day to day ones too. Ex does not need to be consulted, just informed.

and write down all interactions (keep interactions brief if possible), save texts and emails, voicemails. keep it all together in a diary of events.

let him involve himself in school stuff. tehre is nothing wrong with that but make sure school, GP, HV etc all know you are primary carer/first contact in emergency etc.

do you think he is trying to get residency?

i agree. you dont have to be responsible for involving him and letting him know about everything that's happening. if he is serious about being involved he will involve himself and make sure he is given the relevant info by the school directly. if he wants to know it he will make sure he does. you aren't responsible for helping him parent.

He hates a little bit of his child because you caught him out with escorts. Just wow.

What you need to remember is this man primarily is a liar and apply this to everything.

Yy to solicitor you really need one

I have involved him so much because I thought if I show him that I'm not trying to take his daughter away from him I can placate him so he won't insist on overnights or do things with DD that I am either not sure about or firsts that I'd like to be there for as well. So far I thought that was working. But now it's not.

I'm not sure he'll tire of this. Once he sets his mind to something he sees it through. He seems to approach life like a game of chess or something - he manipulates people until they do what he wants. He's proudly told me about how he does this with his colleagues.

Booyhoo - that sucks. Did you lawyer up? What was the outcome?

If I get a solicitor and we start that whole process, I think it's likely that he'll get overnight contact. This assumption is not just based on his manipulation but unfortunately also on the advice I got from a very sympathetic solicitor on the phone a while ago. So I would lose out by going to court.

"I have involved him so much because I thought if I show him that I'm not trying to take his daughter away from him I can placate him so he won't insist on overnights or do things with DD that I am either not sure about or firsts that I'd like to be there for as well. So far I thought that was working. But now it's not. "

yes to this! this is exactly what i thought. i thought if i made it all civil and relaxed and flexible then we would rub along nicely. and we did- on his terms. but as soon as I needed help (collecting dcs from school one day or having them overnight for me) then there was no flexibility, he was unavailable, phone switched off, no replies. it was all on his terms. it only works as long as it's working in his favour. you need to realise this.

no i didn't get a soliciotr this time (it might still happen- we aren't anywhere near sorted) i just stopped saying yes sir no sir three bags full sir and i decided to enforce the contact arrangement we had agreed upon instead of changing it every single time to suit him. i stopped engaging in 'friendly' conversation as i recognised the pattern-he was about to ask for something. i now keep it stricty formal and as minimal contact as possible. it's not pleasant at all and i expect it to get worse as he will get fed up of having no free babysitter on 'his' weekends just because he fancies going out instead (he has already started leaving them with his mum now because he knows he cant ask me).

what is the reason for no overnights?

and get a bit of fire in your belly

dont be afraid of making this official- show him you aren't going to be walked over or take anything lying down.

He sounds like a right pain. My exH, while also a pain, is different though - he's always willing to have extra time with DD if I want to go out or have an extra work thing to go to. I'm expecting this will change with his new attitude though...

Don't want to say too much about the reason for no overnights at the moment as this is all too identifiable already! It's mostly about him conking out completely overnight plus worries about DD's emotional safety. All reasons judges wouldn't give two hoots about, from what I've read.

does he drink? is that what you mean about conking out? also what do you mean her emotional safety? sorry i know you dont want to say too much and you shouldn't if you dont want to. it's just a bit vague tbh. although i know you obviously feel you have valid reasons.

No, he doesn't drink a lot as far as I can tell. A lot of my worry is about how he is with DD on the rare short occasions that I see them together. Mostly it's vague feelings and I can't quite put my finger on it. I know judges would laugh at this.

hmm. tbh you really do need more than that to refuse over night tsays with her dad. i do sympathise. i know that when my dcs go to their dad's that his girlfriend is doing all the care/feeding/taking them out etc. i know that when she's not there he takes them to his mum's and buggers off but i have to let them go. i would far rather be taking them out myself and making sure their weekends weren't spend sitting for hours on end playing playstation and fighting with each other out of boredom but i have to suck it up and let them go.

i think as long as there isn't abuse (emotional or physical) or neglect then you really do have to 'compromise' a bit and accept that you cant control their relationship to that extent.

apologies if there is a much more serious issue that you dont want to say.

I know, you do have a point obviously. That's why in pretty sure if he took me to court he'd get what he wants.

well even if it does go to court. they wont suddenly make your DD go to overnight stays straight away. make your concerns known LOUDLY and repetedly and make sure your solicitor knows that your concerns ARE the reason why you dont want prolonged/overnight stays as opposed to 'add-on' reasons (with the main one being - you just dont want her to go - that's what they'll think) he will be given regular contact but it cant be full on straight away if that's not what she's used to. they will have to build up to it and it will be reviewed at certain points along the way where you will be able to say how you think it's going and express any more concerns you have. for example if there was an incident whilst she was with him that was really worrying then you would bring that up at the review and hopefully they take that into account and put steps in place to make sure she is safe whilst there. this could be him adjusting his behaviour or her being supervised (depending on what it is of course).

bear in mind though, and this isn't to scare you but just to give you a realistic idea of what might happen, some judges are completely useless and really just want to get out of court for their lunch as quick as possible. they might just grant whatever he wants to get that boxed on their quota ticked and send you off to deal with it.

(((hugs))) you have a bit of a bumpy road ahead of you. prepare yourself well for it and stay firm wrt what is best for DD.

Thanks for that insight, it's useful. Not getting my hopes up of my DD getting the life I envisaged for her.

It's awful to feel so powerless.

dont feel powerless. take control. dont let this be something that happened to you. call a solicitor in the morning- most will give you a free half hour meeting- and lay it all out on the table, get a professional opinion and then make a decision from there. one step at a time.

best advice would be to expect it to give more than you hoped to and expect to lose less than you feared. it wont be nice but it wont be as nightmarish as you think. it will be a case of one step forward, two steps back until you find a compromise. compromise in these scenarios usually means no-one gets entirely what they want. but that doesn't mean the compromise is wrong or isn't best for the child.

good luck. take control and you will be far happier with the results than if you dont. because it will happen anyway.

Thank you. I'll see what happens. Ex has taken the divorce petition & arrangements for children form away to have a look at it. (I know I didn't have to agree to this, but if the situation was reversed, I'd want to know what's coming.)

Won't see him for a couple of days now so enjoying the peace.

An update:

You were all right, of course. The new pretense didn't last very long. I don't doubt it'll be back, possibly soon, but for now he's shown his true colours just once.

DD had her first visit to her school today. Remember how ex insisted on going to 2 out of 3 of these visits, booked the time off work before even mentioning his decision to me? He didn't turn up. Saw DD as planned at the weekend, then said 'see you in a couple of days'. I thought perhaps he was playing games to make me think he's forgotten. I thought if he'd booked the day off he'd be able to see that in his work diary first thing this morning. But no, I took DD to her school, fully expecting to see him there triumphantly gloating, and... nothing. No text, call, anything. Luckily DD hadn't been expecting to see him there. No doubt he was 'too busy'.

If I may quote from one of his messages from a few weeks ago (around the time of my initial post):

"I want to be involved because I am DD's daddy and because it?s vital to me that we are [involved, I assume]"

"I have an equal right to be involved and the fact that you are DD?s current resident parent is irrelevant"

When I said that I was surprised by his sudden insistence to be involved in everything:

"You are being offensive and undermining by making false and inaccurate allegations about why I want to be involved. (Forgetting a meeting at nursery does not mean that I am not interested, just that I am busy)"

When I previously told him that I try to involve him in things he seems to have forgotten about, for DD's benefit:

"You are ?trying? to involve me. This is based on the incorrect premise that DD going to school is ?your? thing and you have any right to make decisions on your own."

Ha bloody ha. He is so ridiculous. Can I just repeat the funniest thing he said: "Forgetting a meeting at nursery does not mean that I am not interested, just that I am busy" - seriously?!

This was another thread along similar lines I posted recently. He'd forgotten about DD's nursery party, and when I stupidly reminded him (trying to be fair - not doing that again), he turned it into asking me if I wanted to come to the party with him and DD.

No doubt as soon as he realises that he forgot today, he'll be extra arsey about going to the next 2 visits.

Another sad thing for DD is also that it's nice to anticipate these exciting events with her - so a couple of days before something new happens (like the party or the school visit), I tell her about it and remind her the next day, we talk about what she looks forward to etc. I wouldn't suddenly spring something like this on her, and it's also fun to talk about it together. By forgetting these things, ex is not doing this with DD, which is a shame for her, as talking about it somehow makes it feel more 'shared', at least to me.

I also have to be careful that I don't put game-playing above what's good for DD. I was tempted to calculate carefully when I could tell her about the visit because I know she likes to tell her dad exciting things as soon as she sees him, and that would obviously have reminded him. For some reason, she didn't mention the visit to him this time, but I have to remind myself not to care whether he is reminded by her or not.

Sorry, this is just a but of a long rant (again!).

Any thoughts or advice?