Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Co parenting fail. I'm stuck

28 replies

FightingFires · 18/05/2013 15:18

Name changed for this, but pom bears etc, I'm an oldie...

Been separated nearly 2 years. The divorce is horrible, finances a nightmare, basically he's trying to beat the system (control freak, narc, etc) but living in the marital home with new GF and her 3 DC's. He has our 2 DC's (5 & 11) one weeknight and every other weekend.

Problems as follow:

Dcs come home exhausted as it is basically a massive sleepover party every time. Little DC has said she's fallen asleep in class at least once the following day.

Facebook and other social media accounts set up for them, with no supervision. Oldest told me about these and I closed them. She saw some horrible stuff before I did.

Today oldest tells me the 13 yo DC is allowed to drink, and shared her WKD with her. I'm not averse the the French style wine with dinner, though she never has, but vodka? Really?

I could email him. Did over the Facebook thing, just got a sarcastic/stupid response.

I'm actually very very worried that there is no parenting at all going on there. I dint know what to do. Stopping contact seems extreme. I'm stuck as to what to do.

OP posts:
Lweji · 18/05/2013 15:21

I'd insist on supervised contact.

Make a diary of this stuff.

Original poster
FightingFires · 18/05/2013 15:26

Oh, and also, little one had announced they are missing the last day of school to go on holiday. This was not agreed with me, I thought they were going after school (is UK hols). It's oldest DC's last day at Primary, and a big thing for her. She's gutted and I've promised I'll sort it. I'm dreading the how of this...

OP posts:
Original poster
FightingFires · 18/05/2013 15:29

How do I do that lweji? Supervised contact in a contact centre? Do I need to go through solicitor? (my solicitor bill is already 5k I don't yet have because of financial stuff) also, that feels like punishing the DC, as I'm not sure they would understand. This is why I feel so stuck.

OP posts:
Looksgoodingravy · 18/05/2013 15:33

Just with regards to the school situation. Surely school need both your authority to take the dc out of school? Could you have a word with school so that this doesn't happen again.

Sorry not much help with other practicalities, sounds a nightmare tbh and one you shouldn't have to be putting up with.

Hopefully you'll get lots of good advice on here.

Lweji · 18/05/2013 15:36

You can contact WA and cab.

Or just remove contact and let him see them when you are around, or friend, and let him go to court.

Original poster
FightingFires · 18/05/2013 15:37

looksgood with his general flagrant regard for rules, I doubt he would ask. Just not turn up that day Iyswim? It's not happening, it's not fair to DC1. But I guess I could talk to school. They've been very understanding about weekend homework never happening at his, we get catch up time in the week and the DC don't get in trouble. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
FightingFires · 18/05/2013 15:39

lweji would WA help with this sort of thing? They were helpful when I left him, so I'd totally trust them. Thought I was past that > sigh

OP posts:
Lweji · 18/05/2013 15:42

Failing that, SS.

MooseBeTimeForSpring · 18/05/2013 15:43

Is the holiday in the UK or abroad? Do you have their passports?

Original poster
FightingFires · 18/05/2013 15:47

moose UK holiday, I don't have their passports at present, I did, then he needed them for a foreign tax thing, and kept them (We lived abroad for a while). Oldest DC's had expired anyway. It's yet another battle I'm putting off.

OP posts:
Original poster
FightingFires · 18/05/2013 15:49

lweji is it enough for SS? I'm thinking not? But maybe. It's such a collection of little things, I know I'm not being petty, but he will make it look like I'm insane.

OP posts:
Lweji · 18/05/2013 15:50

Can't you register with border control that you don't allow them out of the country.
I live abroad, but I know I can.

And I'd probably let the school know that he's not allowed to take the children earlier, and keep them with you until the last day of school.

Original poster
FightingFires · 18/05/2013 15:51

lweji also there is no way I could be there during contact. He's vile to me. That's why I left, and it's only got worse. I don't even go to the door when he collects them now.

OP posts:
Lweji · 18/05/2013 15:52

I'd move heaven and earth, tbh.
SS might check him out and at the very least tell him that's unacceptable parenting.
I'd think not letting young children sleep is quite serious.

Looksgoodingravy · 18/05/2013 15:55

Just for starters how would he react to you dropping the mid-week contact? making it known how tired the dc are at school the next day.

Lweji · 18/05/2013 15:55

SS then.
It's their responsibility to protect children.
It's yours when they are with you.
If he can't parent properly it's up to them.

I'd go to as many places for advice as possible.
Including speaking to the school.

I have always been open about xH and they have always done their eat to help, even if non officially.

Lweji · 18/05/2013 15:56

their best, rather.

Original poster
FightingFires · 18/05/2013 15:59

lookinggood he would oppose it massively. I'm not sure how. He actually asked for them 2 nights a couple of weeks ago and I said no, he didn't reply to my no.

OP posts:
Looksgoodingravy · 18/05/2013 16:01

Doesn't sound like he wants what's best for the dc, sounds like he just likes getting at you through them Sad

Thumbwitch · 18/05/2013 16:01

Sounds like he's failing at actually parenting your DC, so that's a good reason to prevent this continuing.

Do your DC actually want to see him as much as they currently do?

I agree with previous posters - talk to SS, CAB, WA - and the school, actually, more than you already have because this is obviously going to affect their schooling as well as everything else (you've already said they've had to make contingency plans because he doesn't get weekend homework done at his).

He sounds like an utter shit, tbh - sorry. :(

Original poster
FightingFires · 18/05/2013 16:01

Thank you lweji you're right. I need to sort this out, and I need to put them and nut my freak out at rocking the boat first. I'll talk to school again first, and then everyone. Will call the (lovely) head teacher on Monday. Really appreciate your advice x

OP posts:
Lweji · 18/05/2013 16:08

Good luck. :)
Your children have a great mum and I'm sure they'll be ok thanks to you.

Original poster
FightingFires · 18/05/2013 16:09

thumbwitch DC2 definitely does want to be there, the Gf's middle DC is 'best friend' talked about constantly etc. DD1 I'm not sure, there is friction/friendship with the other DC'S, but mostly friendship. I think the thought of not seeing their dad would freak them out, and it looks very conventional middle class on the surface. I do wonder if she is telling me stuff she knows I won't approve of for a reason though, of that makes sense. He is very very subtly controlling.

OP posts:
Original poster
FightingFires · 18/05/2013 16:20

lookinggood I'm not sure if it's spiteful or if he just does not have a clue. I'm hoping the latter, but it doesn't help me as I know there will not be a positive response to anything I say. It's a bloody nightmare.

OP posts:
lemonstartree · 18/05/2013 18:15

You cant "go to SS". It wont help. Effectively you need to deny him contact and then HE will have to go to Court /Mediation to demand contact with his children. At that point you will be asked why you stopped it and can have your say. If it can be agreed in mediation what the 'rules' will be than all well and good, if not it goes to Court who may well order a Cafcass report. These are the people who look at parenting capacity. They are a very mixed bunch

only you can decide if his parenting is bad enough to do this. Even if you do, and all goes along quickly , your children are likely not to see their father to 6-9 months... (because you are denying contact).

It will be stressful +++, expensive, and there is no guarantee that you will get the answers you want. Much better - if at all possible to settle for 'good enough' parenting and try to negotiate. And I speak as a veteran of this 'system'