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Relationships

Close to breaking point (long and complex) help please

119 replies

BumpingFuglies · 18/05/2013 11:49

I don't know where to start with this, only that I'm so close to the edge I can see the abyss.

My situation is so complicated with so many facets I can't really think straight. But here goes.

DP and I have lived together a year, I have DS 14, he has DS 8 and 5. Recently moved to council house after being given notice to quit on last private rental - had only been there a year.

DSS's have been sexually abused by mother's ex-partner. Police investigation now concluded, waiting for it to go to court. Accused is convicted offender already, mother knew this. Mother took caution for neglect.

DSS's have BIG behaviour issues and possible SN (under assessment). Both on IEPs and under Child In Need orders. Cannot get counselling for them until case has been to court (poss disclosure issues).

DS 14 has now clashed with DP. DS came in late Thursday night, I had a go, DP intervened when DS got nasty. DS grabbed DP by throat, DP called police. DS accepted a caution.

DS is a "school refuser". Attendance currently under 50%. I am working with school, TAC meetings in place. CAMHS involved, but DS won't engage. DS's father will not have anything to do with him, he is "too ashamed".

Have just concluded long court battle with DP's parents who did not like him moving in with me and tried to get joint residency. They failed. They have weekly phone contact (Fridays) and fortnightly letters with the boys.

DSS's have fortnightly visits (supervised by me/DP) with their mum. Sometimes, like today, their Mum's parents come too. They also have to be supervised as they were classed as having been groomed. They are all here today.

DP does not work (many reasons), I'm a home carer and work about 30 hours. I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, bill-paying, admin, organisation, homework, reading. Absolutely everything. I write all the letters, deal with all the legal stuff. I even pay his ex maintenance out of my bank account for his other 2 boys, who he can't see at the moment. His ex has a new bf and won't allow him in the house (yet another story). DP is on JSA and is going on a course that should get him back to work. He sits on the lap top ALL DAY every day. Between work, running the house, meetings for children, court and more, I have NO TIME. I'm shattered.

I'm behind with bills, I work my tits off and I get no help. DP is depressed and on ADs. My relationships with my son, family and friends are suffering. I went to the doctor yesterday and got diazepam. Already on ADs myself and have another appointment monday.

I've had enough. I rang work and took the weekend off. Never done that.

I'm the one holding it all together. I think I'm going to break.

Thank you for reading, sorry it's so long, I am grateful. If anyone can help me make sense of it all...?

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BumpingFuglies · 19/05/2013 10:26

Yes, house is in both names. They come here because DP doesn't drive and I would have to take them otherwise. Usually I am at work. Contact has to be supervised by DP.

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BumpingFuglies · 19/05/2013 10:27

Oh, x post with Orla

Contact centre not available - it's a long term thing so won't get funding. Either way, I'd have to do the transport.

Yesterday was horrible, but not necessarily typical. Oh, and the ex has no car either.

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BumpingFuglies · 19/05/2013 10:28

Did sit down and talk with DP last night but not sure I got anywhere. Although he's being very nice today Smile

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tribpot · 19/05/2013 14:28

Sod nice, is he being any help?

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RandomMess · 19/05/2013 17:22

Just what tribpot said, what has he agreed to take on?

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BumpingFuglies · 19/05/2013 18:49

Er, nothing really. I haven't gone into that much detail tbh.

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BumpingFuglies · 19/05/2013 18:49

He mowed the lawn. Lawnmower is broken Grin

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BumpingFuglies · 19/05/2013 18:54

Apart from the lawn, no. I know, I know.

Does anyone know what I need to do to apply for council housing due to relationship break-up? I discussed this with DP, he said I need a letter from him - and that he wouldn't give it. He says he "won't lose me".

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BumpingFuglies · 19/05/2013 18:58

Oh, help me MN, and he has been violent to the DC. Not hitting, just grabbing LO by his arm, shouting in both their faces. And yes, I told the police, but heard nothing. Never been violent to me, but am so worried

Gah, there you go, it's out there.

He's getting worse. Please, just hold my hand, please.

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Concreteblonde · 19/05/2013 19:11

Oh god OP. Holding your hand. Are you safe at the minute ?

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MorrisZapp · 19/05/2013 19:13

So you met this guy. You presumably dated, fell in love etc, then agreed to get involved with each others kids. From there, you agreed to move in together. You moved in and everything was great, but then it went downhill and now its all totally shit, with you paying for everything and doing all the chores while he sits on his arse.

And this all took place within two years? You've skipped a few stages imo. There's no turning this one round, sorry.

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RandomMess · 19/05/2013 19:13

I know so litte, can you get in touch with womans aid?

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CoffeePleaseSir · 19/05/2013 19:27

OP you can still put your name on the council list as your in private rented, anyone can go on a council list and to be honest the longer your on the better, just call your local council and ask for the forms.

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tribpot · 19/05/2013 20:16

Has the violence happened today? Was it your child or one of his?

Assuming the violence wasn't today, why haven't you confronted him with what is actually concerning you? Why have you settled for a fairly pointless chat and him 'being nice' for a day? Are you afraid of what will happen if you say the words?

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springymater · 20/05/2013 01:13

Get in touch with WA - 0800 2000 247 (call at night if you can, lines busy during the day) re getting rehoused due to P's aggression/violence towards the kids.

YOu have to get out.

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BumpingFuglies · 20/05/2013 10:34

Thanks for all the replies. It's not the first time he has been aggressive to the LOs, it happens when they are being really naughty. I shout too, but don't get physical. It's his children he does it with not mine.

Coffee I am already in a council property.

I feel that if anyone should leave, it's him.

So, here's what I am doing.

Spoke to my son's EWO this morning and told her what had happened with DS and DP. She is making a referral to Families Working Together for me. Don't know much about it but will google later. I've got an appointment with the GP this morning so going to ask for urgent CAMHS referral, even though school have already done this.

Am going to write a letter to DP stating all the problems and what he needs to do. Will be telling him that if he is rough with the children again, I will report him to police. After that (and I know how these things go) I will decide if I want to or even allowed to be responsible for DSSs.

I will make a housing application anyway, but probably won't tell him.

Also going to see my mum this morning. Going to see what GP suggests but will probably go back to work tomorrow as money is tight enough as it is.

I told him the other night I would leave. He said he doesn't want to lose me, he's lost everyone else etc etc. If he really feels like that he will change. I will point this out.

Meantime, I'm going to get the house straight and finish unpacking. I can't live in this pigsty any more. It's one thing I do have control over.

Thank you all again.

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BumpingFuglies · 20/05/2013 10:36

If anyone has any ideas about structuring my letter, please feel free to make suggestions. Shan't be using twunt, wanker or cock-lodger though Grin

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dontyouwantmebaby · 20/05/2013 14:50

tribpot, thank you makes sense now.

OP of course he should be the one to leave,not you! have you heard anything back from the police re the violence to DCs? I haven't experience of this, am not best to advise. Have you contacted Woman's Aid?

I wouldn't waste time writing a letter to him about all the problems, if he really doesn't want to lose you as he claims, then he's an adult, he can listen to what you're telling him. I'd report him if he is rough with the children and has a history of this. I think you should get him out of your house and life tbh but I know this is easier said than done. If you are clearing up the house, does this mean he is still sitting on his arse doing nothing?

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BumpingFuglies · 27/05/2013 19:09

Ok. He has done it again - grabbed LO by the arm and yanked him to the stairs. I AM NOT LEAVING THE CHILDREN. My Ds is with a friend. I can't leave. How can I get this sorted without him knowing its me? I am desperate and thank you for all previous replies and I know it seems I didn't listen to you but please...Hmm

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MushroomSoup · 27/05/2013 19:43

Deep breath.
Have you rung the police?

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BumpingFuglies · 27/05/2013 19:53

Not yet

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MushroomSoup · 27/05/2013 19:57

Why not? You need to do it in order to get the right help.
Be brave.

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BumpingFuglies · 27/05/2013 20:20

Can I text police for help? It's getting worse

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MushroomSoup · 27/05/2013 21:05

Not without previously having registered your phone.

Can't you ring? Go to the loo if you can & take your mobile.
If you can't, PM me your address. I'll ring the police for you.
Stay strong

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BumpingFuglies · 27/05/2013 22:50

Thank you mushroom. Boys safe in bed with me. Have SW coming tomorrow.

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