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Relationships

Close to breaking point (long and complex) help please

119 replies

BumpingFuglies · 18/05/2013 11:49

I don't know where to start with this, only that I'm so close to the edge I can see the abyss.

My situation is so complicated with so many facets I can't really think straight. But here goes.

DP and I have lived together a year, I have DS 14, he has DS 8 and 5. Recently moved to council house after being given notice to quit on last private rental - had only been there a year.

DSS's have been sexually abused by mother's ex-partner. Police investigation now concluded, waiting for it to go to court. Accused is convicted offender already, mother knew this. Mother took caution for neglect.

DSS's have BIG behaviour issues and possible SN (under assessment). Both on IEPs and under Child In Need orders. Cannot get counselling for them until case has been to court (poss disclosure issues).

DS 14 has now clashed with DP. DS came in late Thursday night, I had a go, DP intervened when DS got nasty. DS grabbed DP by throat, DP called police. DS accepted a caution.

DS is a "school refuser". Attendance currently under 50%. I am working with school, TAC meetings in place. CAMHS involved, but DS won't engage. DS's father will not have anything to do with him, he is "too ashamed".

Have just concluded long court battle with DP's parents who did not like him moving in with me and tried to get joint residency. They failed. They have weekly phone contact (Fridays) and fortnightly letters with the boys.

DSS's have fortnightly visits (supervised by me/DP) with their mum. Sometimes, like today, their Mum's parents come too. They also have to be supervised as they were classed as having been groomed. They are all here today.

DP does not work (many reasons), I'm a home carer and work about 30 hours. I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, bill-paying, admin, organisation, homework, reading. Absolutely everything. I write all the letters, deal with all the legal stuff. I even pay his ex maintenance out of my bank account for his other 2 boys, who he can't see at the moment. His ex has a new bf and won't allow him in the house (yet another story). DP is on JSA and is going on a course that should get him back to work. He sits on the lap top ALL DAY every day. Between work, running the house, meetings for children, court and more, I have NO TIME. I'm shattered.

I'm behind with bills, I work my tits off and I get no help. DP is depressed and on ADs. My relationships with my son, family and friends are suffering. I went to the doctor yesterday and got diazepam. Already on ADs myself and have another appointment monday.

I've had enough. I rang work and took the weekend off. Never done that.

I'm the one holding it all together. I think I'm going to break.

Thank you for reading, sorry it's so long, I am grateful. If anyone can help me make sense of it all...?

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Cerisier · 18/05/2013 12:24

I agree with tribpot. You are being spread too thin helping DP's children when your own DS is going off the rails and needs all your attention.

For DS's sake and your own sanity you should get away from this warring dysfunctional family.

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BumpingFuglies · 18/05/2013 12:24

FWIW my son wanted us to be a family. He totally engaged and showed some very mature behaviour. We discussed it at length. It's only recently things have gone downhill. DS does not like to be told what to do, that's why they clashed.

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dontyouwantmebaby · 18/05/2013 12:25

oh sorry I wrote that when there was only one reply, got distracted by someone at the door, came back and posted it.

agree with others, put yourself and your own son first please x

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BumpingFuglies · 18/05/2013 12:26

Don't mean to be defensive, but DS does get a LOT of my attention. He said it was what he wanted - a proper family. He is good with the children.

That said, it's intolerable at the moment.

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DoctorAnge · 18/05/2013 12:27

Yes and your own childish come first, before you. He didn't choose this life. Sad

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OrlaKiely · 18/05/2013 12:27

Yes my own son engaged and showed maturity when I was seeing someone with issues

As soon as we broke up he told me the stuff he had thought would 'make me upset' if he was honest

You need to step up and PREVENT this going any further, if it's too much for you, it's too much for your ds.

The partner you've got involved with is highly dysfunctional and ineffectual, his family have now got a handy scapegoat in you, he is hiding behind you, what is in this for you and ds? Seriously?

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BumpingFuglies · 18/05/2013 12:27

first things first though, why isn't your partner pulling his weight, is it because he's gradually slipped into doing less and less or has he never helped? I'd pull him up about sitting around the house all day on the laptop for a start.

He used to do loads, it was very equal. I have talked to him, he says I'm nagging.

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DoctorAnge · 18/05/2013 12:28

Child must come first
Grr

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OrlaKiely · 18/05/2013 12:29

Yes he has always told his family they were nagging, I imagine - now you're in the way, how convenient, he can blame you for his hopeless inadequacy instead!

It's win-win for them and lose all round for you guys

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BumpingFuglies · 18/05/2013 12:29

Other people must manage though?

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OrlaKiely · 18/05/2013 12:31

Most families are not like this.

Even if they are, people have often been in them, more invested, for a much longer time before having to deal with such a mountain of shit.

You've barely known these people 2 years. Why are you doing this?

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OrlaKiely · 18/05/2013 12:32

btw you do realise you're being used? They probably aren't bright enough to even know they are doing it, but you are filling a very handy sink hole for these people. They don't give a shit about you.

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RandomMess · 18/05/2013 12:32

Ok well I itterate.

Set your p an ultimatum about taking on responsibility for specific tasks of running a household. If he won't even do that then you are completely and utterly wasting your time.

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OrlaKiely · 18/05/2013 12:33

Sorry OP I realise I am sounding very unkind, I do not mean to, you sound absolutely lovely. But it makes me very upset to see people being abused like this. I hope you understand.

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purplewithred · 18/05/2013 12:34

Your DP is sucking you dry. How can you love someone who does this to you? Takes your money, your energy, your sanity and gives absolutely nothing back in return. How is this fair? How is this fair on your DS, being in this poisonous atmosphere of court cases and violence and supervised everything?

I understand that if you dump him you feel you are also dumping his kids and you feel terribly guilty about this. But they are HIS responsibility, not yours. Are his parents so unsuitable as carers for them?

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Longtallsally · 18/05/2013 12:35

No great words of wisdom to add, but just wanted to say that you sound amazing. You have given so much to your new family, and you clearly have your son's needs very much at the forefront of your mind.

Is there any way in which you could get a break? Could you, and your ds, go and stay with anyone in your family at half term, and get a break/recharge your batteries. Your dp won't be over the moon, but then if you took the advice from other posters and walked away completely, he would be managing without you permanently. You do need to look after yourself, however. You can only keep giving if you have something to give.

Take care of yourself. Once again, deeply in awe of you giving so much to so many

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dontyouwantmebaby · 18/05/2013 12:36

He used to do loads, it was very equal. I have talked to him, he says I'm nagging.

right. well the options are to either stop doing the chores at all (easier said than done) or give him an ultimatum that he steps up. Don't wash his clothes/cook his meals/do his shopping.

I hate hate hate it when anyone uses the 'nagging' card to close down a discussion about things esp household chores they know they should be bloody well doing too.

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BumpingFuglies · 18/05/2013 12:37

Random yes I know I need to do this. I just don't have the headspace today. I've given in, called in sick and taken the diazepam the GP gave me. So I'm probably not on best form.

Orla I do understand. I don't feel abused though, I feel taken for granted.

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dontyouwantmebaby · 18/05/2013 12:38

yep agree with what randommess said about the chores. It is bad enough being emotionally exhausted by all this drama he and his family are causing but when you're physically exhausted too, it's just too much for one person.

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BumpingFuglies · 18/05/2013 12:38

Longtall I'm very much thinking I need to get away but don't have any holiday to take.

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OrlaKiely · 18/05/2013 12:39

it amounts to the same thing. Why are you letting them use you like this? And what will it take for you to turn round and say, sorry, I can't do any more for you.

what do you think would happen if you did that today?

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BumpingFuglies · 18/05/2013 12:40

Orla I suspect DP would just ignore me, sulk like a child. He has started doing that when I say something he doesn't like.

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RandomMess · 18/05/2013 12:41

If you don't have the energy to talk to him about (wouldn't be surprised at that) then put it in writing.

Dear x, I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Here is the list of all the chores that need doing each week. Please tick the 20/30 you are going to take on responsibility for doing properly from today. If you are not prepared to do this then our relationship is over.

Blunt and to the point, not even an Aspie can pretend not to understand that.

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OrlaKiely · 18/05/2013 12:42

Ok. And then what? What if you actually put something in motion? I know you can't go yet - waiting on a house - but well, is that actually the case? Could you find somewhere for yourself and ds?

Could someone lend you the deposit for a private rental and get HB organised? It will take a couple of weeks. You could start packing now.

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forumdonkey · 18/05/2013 12:43

If I was you I would leave the relationship to concentrate on your own DS.

I've no doubt that you are doing your best for everyone in awful circumstances especially your poor DSS but try taking it from your DS perspective. His DF has disowned him - complete rejection from someone who should love him unconditionally and his DM is battling and fighting for 2 other children that are not hers to stay with her. Your DP and his DS move in . There is little wonder he is clashing with your DP, what has he brought into your DS life from his perspective? - him, 2 damaged children with EBD issues, who quite rightly need a lot of support for what they've been through, court cases, stress, his attention from his DM took away etc etc. No wonder the lad is playing up and rebelling.

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