Polyamory, no really.

[Lemonies]

Does anyone have any real experience of this who can give me some real advice?
My fiance has recently admitted that he is asexual.
We have been together for six years but the lack of sex was blamed on a sporting injury, which healed but still no sex.

I told him that I cannot live in a sexless relationship and that I need someone for sex and intimacy.
He said he is happy for me to have an affair provided I stick to a few rules.

Is it remotely possible that this could work?

He isn't a macho jealous type so he probably could handle things.

I know it seems wrong but it feels like I am having my cake and eating it!

Has anyone any experience in this kind of thing?

Again, Op, what are the benefits to you in this relationship? Which of them would you lose if you stopped being his 'partner' but remained his friend? Or even his landlady? It sounds a bit as though what you are getting from this is a kind of ego-stroke in that you are 'wonderful' to him and indispensible, like his mother or his mentor. Do you like to be needed, or have you grown up with the idea that self-sacrifice is a virtue? This isn't necessarily a bad way to relate to someone, but if you are trying to insist that this is a monogamous couple-relationship, it's not very healthy.

happyAvocado - I have an asexual friend so know that what I wrote is indeed true. As in most things in life there are varying degrees of asexuality. It is not black and white.

OP - please go to the AVEN website (Asexual Visibility Education Network - www.asexuality.org) which you may find useful.

I don't think polyamory works all that well as a "solution" compared to when it is a pre existing preference.

If you are somebody who up till now has associated sexual intimacy with emotional intimacy and that normally progresses to a longer term "pit ofnthe bedroom as well" relationship then it might be too much of a gear change to ask of yourself.

In which case you could end up falling for somebody else and wanting your normal setting for relationships (a long term exclusive commitment) to be the logical conclusion.

Which might hurt both your fiancee and youself far more than a break up now.

Sometimes a key element is missing in a relationship. It isn't always somebody's "fault". Postponing a high probability of eventual collapse may cause more issues that it hoped to alleviate.

Leaving isn't easy, sometimes help in the transition is a really good idea if one party is overwelmed by the dependance of the other on them and feels they must self sacrifice vital componants of a desired relationship in order to support that dependance. While as far as I know there are no dedicated supoort servives for guided seperation Relate IME isnpretty good at helping people walk through an emotional minefield towards an understanding that seperation is the better option for the parties in question.

How can you be Asexual and get off to porn? How can there be varying degrees of Asexuality? you either experience sexual attraction or you don't.

I am so sorry OP, this sounds horrid for you but I really can't see a happy ending for you unless you leave him xx

these other partners he is pushing encouraging you to have ?

does he want to watch you with them ?

just a thought

there is no waty this oddball is asexual btw...he may have "unusual" tastes, but asexual he is not

It's a bit late to claim he's asexual when he made up a lie about a sporting injury to get out of sex, plus seems to have insulted you along the way. Whatever asexuality is, surely it isn't all about deceiving people and secret porn!

SolidGB you hit the nail on the head.
I don't know if it's an ego thing or a determination to be polar opposite of my Mum and upbringing but I have become that person.
I'm not praising myself here, it isn't who I planned to be, I'm the soft touch who will put myself last and go without.
My Mum is an alcoholic (functioning most of her life until the last three years) who actively hated me for a lot of my life yet I'm the daft sod who has moved her in to dry out and be fed.
I think I blinkered myself with the determination to make it work with my OH I wasn't really looking for a relationship when we met.
I liked having someone else around, I must have been more desperate than I realised.
I get a veneer of normality from our relationship.
The advice from Mum at the time was it will be nice for DS to have a male influence.
I don't give a toss about being or appearing 'normal' I just need a few hours off from being warden and someone who doesn't need me.

IMOH tell them all to fuck off and start living your own life.

You are in this situation because you let them use you. Life is too short to waste and to awesome to give to other people who dont deserve it.

You owe them nothing, they will not care about your lost opportunities.

It sounds like you are depressed and need some self esteem and to believe you can do better.

I'm already on AD's LadyMai.
I see how my Dad wasted most of his life being loyal to Mum (she left him when he took early retirement she thought he was ill and she couldn't cope!) I see myself doing the exact same things, out of duty trying to be a good person, just giving constantly.

I wish I were brave enough to stop it before I break.

Ask him to move out and.tell him the relationship is over.

Contact adult social services for a respite place for your mum.

What.do you like to do or would like to do in life? Travel, sutdy or a new hobbie?

I think you need space to be on your own and find yourself again xx

You are a beautiful person that is kind and loving and its ok for you to chose not to be in a relationship with this man. You are not responable for your mum. I think you would be less depressed without these people in your life right now.

Keep talking, xx