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Original poster

Polyamory, no really.

85 replies

Lemonies · 17/05/2013 19:07

Does anyone have any real experience of this who can give me some real advice?
My fiance has recently admitted that he is asexual.
We have been together for six years but the lack of sex was blamed on a sporting injury, which healed but still no sex.

I told him that I cannot live in a sexless relationship and that I need someone for sex and intimacy.
He said he is happy for me to have an affair provided I stick to a few rules.

Is it remotely possible that this could work?

He isn't a macho jealous type so he probably could handle things.

I know it seems wrong but it feels like I am having my cake and eating it!

Has anyone any experience in this kind of thing?

OP posts:
Sheshelob · 17/05/2013 20:27

Ball-gag porn and you believe he is asexual?!

Um, might there be another reason why he wants to stay with you? Does he live in your house?

Original poster
Lemonies · 17/05/2013 20:30

The age gap is eight years.
We got a house together, he works full time I care for my Mum (she lives with us too.

OP posts:
FreddieMisaGREATshag · 17/05/2013 20:31

If he's getting off to porn he's not asexual.

Naoko · 17/05/2013 20:33

I have a friend who is in a polyamorous relationship. It works for her, she is happy, and she's been in this relationship for a number of years, so yes, polyamory can work.

However, I'm not sure I like the sound of your DP I'm afraid, and I don't think you have a good basis for a polyamorous relationship. Polyamory, in a world that's not set up for it, is hard. All partners need to be open, and trusting, and work at maintaining things. You have tracking on your phones because your DP is a recovering addict, you do not sound like you're totally clear on his sexuality issues nor that you are confident he is being honest with you (I don't think it's impossible to be asexual yet masturbate, FWIW, but something doesn't sound right about your chap that I cannot quite put my finger on), and you say he's more like an extra kid than a partner, implying that there is an imbalance in the relationship that you are deep down not happy with, and rightly so, I wouldn't be either.

Don't do this unless you are 100% certain he is open and honest with you, and you are in a relationship as equals. Otherwise it will all end in tears.

defineme · 17/05/2013 20:36

so are you a couple in every other sense? Do you go out together/holiday together/tell each other problems/share domestic stuff/have a laugh/depend on each other?
What do you get out of being with him other than not being alone?

Original poster
Lemonies · 17/05/2013 20:44

We do all the other stuff couples do, he likes the relationship side just not the physical.
Tmi alert.
He gets aroused by me but when it comes to sex he loses interest.
If we had been for a meal, had a couple of drinks etc he would tolerate a bj but if he returns the favour it puts me off it's like giving sprouts to a toddler.
In no way does he enjoy it I can feel him grimacing!

He is rubbish around the house but that may be because I find it easier to do stuff myself.

I'm not wealthy or a stunner so I have no obvious attractiveness if it's all a scam.

OP posts:
wellcoveredsparerib · 17/05/2013 20:50

"he will tolerate a bj"
wow that's good of him. Confused Confused

Numberlock · 17/05/2013 20:51

He's not asexual but the word to describe him does begin with an A...

Sheshelob · 17/05/2013 20:52

Sorry - "he will tolerate a BJ" ?!!

Poor him. And to think you have the gall to ask him to reciprocate.

Don't do yourself down - you don't need to stay in a sexless relationship, even if you are financially reliant on him.

CoalDustWoman · 17/05/2013 20:54

You're not really describing someone who is asexual, are you?

Or am I misunderstanding the term?

Numberlock · 17/05/2013 21:09

Sounds like a term from the same bollocks book of psychology as 'Sex Addict'.

scaevola · 17/05/2013 21:22

Is it possible that's he's already being polyamorous?

Sheshelob · 17/05/2013 21:25

Does a ball-gag count as another sexual partner?

Naoko · 17/05/2013 21:26

That wouldn't be 'being polyamorous', scaevola, more 'being a cheating bastard'...

scaevola · 17/05/2013 21:32

I didn't want to put I quite that bluntly.

But if he were, this would be a damned good way of securing home comforts whist carrying on with an OW who could "emerge" later, if OP took a lover, and he'd be able to present it as "only what you're doing".

Snazzynewyear · 17/05/2013 21:37

Whatever his problem is, I don't think it's asexuality.

Original poster
Lemonies · 17/05/2013 21:37

I am reasonably sure he isn't cheating.
He never has unexplained gaps in his time (he tells me every little detour or delay because of the gambling thing)
I go with him when he goes to GA I go to the friends and family group.

It's like he is so lazy he just doesn't want to know.
He loves being one of the girls though which led me to guess at gay.

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/05/2013 21:51

Ok, being blunt and from what you said, it looks like he has a nice set up with you mothering him.

He doesn't sound like a partner and he's not asexual if he gets off by himself and to porn, and to a bj.

It's up to you whether to put up with him or not, for the sake of company?

I'd dump.

Original poster
Lemonies · 17/05/2013 21:55

I fear you are right Lweji.
I don't think he would manage on his own so I'm stuck.

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/05/2013 21:57

That's his problem, not yours.

happyAvocado · 17/05/2013 22:00

I'd dump him, he is in a nice and secure set up.he is using you and now wants to make you happy to by allowing you to have lover?

this doesn't add up

defineme · 17/05/2013 22:01

So you're his carer not his lover?
No you are not stuck.

Original poster
Lemonies · 17/05/2013 22:05

I know he wouldn't cope, I don't think I could be cruel to him.
Too much love is in me for him to walk away
I couldn't carry on as we are it's a huge mind fuck, financial isn't an issue I'm self sufficient.
Would being just friends work?

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 17/05/2013 22:06

It doesn't sound like there are many benefits to you in this relationship. Polyamorous relationships work very well for some people and not so well for others - just like monogamous relationships. But this man seems to have cast you as his mother-figure, and if you do begin any kind of sexual relationship with anyone else, he will sabotage it as soon as it starts taking too much of your attention away from him.

BIWI · 17/05/2013 22:06

This is not a normal relationship. OK - it might be a lovely relationship between friends, but not between two people who are planning to marry.

Get rid of him and find someone who will provide you with the kind of intimacy that you deserve.