Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Polyamory, no really.

85 replies

Lemonies · 17/05/2013 19:07

Does anyone have any real experience of this who can give me some real advice?
My fiance has recently admitted that he is asexual.
We have been together for six years but the lack of sex was blamed on a sporting injury, which healed but still no sex.

I told him that I cannot live in a sexless relationship and that I need someone for sex and intimacy.
He said he is happy for me to have an affair provided I stick to a few rules.

Is it remotely possible that this could work?

He isn't a macho jealous type so he probably could handle things.

I know it seems wrong but it feels like I am having my cake and eating it!

Has anyone any experience in this kind of thing?

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 17/05/2013 22:09

lemonies you sound like his mother, or someone caring for a pet, this is not a healthy balanced relationship. I think he likes the security and doesn't want anything to change. That doesn't mean you have to let him sit there and spin you lines about asexuality.

Original poster
Lemonies · 17/05/2013 22:10

I know he wouldn't cope, I don't think I could be cruel to him.
Too much love is in me for him to walk away
I couldn't carry on as we are it's a huge mind fuck, financial isn't an issue I'm self sufficient.
Would being just friends work?

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 17/05/2013 22:10

and- presumably he coped before, he was earning, he sounds like your teenage son!

Chubfuddler · 17/05/2013 22:10

Leave. This is never going to work.

coribells · 17/05/2013 22:10

I am in a polyamarous relationship . It works for me, and it has done for last three years. PM me if you want some more advice.

Lweji · 17/05/2013 22:14

Honestly, I think you'd be surprised and he would actually be able to cope.
Or shack up with one of those girls.

Darkesteyes · 17/05/2013 22:14

He doesnt sound asexual if he is getting off to violent porn. My husband hasnt touched me for 17 years and refused to go to counselling. Ten years ago i had an affair which lasted for 4 and a half years.

It is finally starting to be recognised that a sexless relationship can be an abusive one.

www.selfsagacity.com/2012/01/3-phases-of-sexless-relationship-slow.html

Darkesteyes · 17/05/2013 22:19

Bloody hell Air of Hope its not like this for everyone.

This is not a nice question but i would have to think about it - when you lose your looks and get old its harder to find a single partner for sex only and this is where a married couple with warts and all still have sex, it might be harder for you.

Your statement above does not tally with the fact that there has been an upsurge in STIs in the older age groups.

Im also intrigued to know whether you would have said the same thing to a male poster.

Original poster
Lemonies · 17/05/2013 22:21

I could live with him, with no sex.
If I had something civilised and normal as well.
I may be basing my guess on dodgy soft porn menage novels but loving more than one person feels normal.

Or am I fitting it around what I have to save his feelings.

He did all the chasing it was never me after a toyboy so I'm not keeping some trophy.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 17/05/2013 22:21

He doesn't love you in remotely a similar way to how you love him.

And he allowed you to go without sex without telling you that he would never had sex with you again for SIX YEARS. I don't think he loves you that much, to be honest.

DistanceCall · 17/05/2013 22:22

Be his friend if you want to. But what you have no isn't a relationship.

Find someone who loves you as you deserve to be loved.

scaevola · 17/05/2013 22:26

Maybe he hasn't taken a lover yet. But perhaps he's decided he wants to, or has selected a candidate. And that might lead him to want "permission" to act on the desire.

If you take lovers, he'd feel justified in doing the same.

Original poster
Lemonies · 17/05/2013 22:26

The excuses why we didn't have sex were so harsh sometimes, he was never nasty but I read stuff into it.

When he couldn't be arsed I would blame myself.

I tortured myself.

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 17/05/2013 22:31

lemonies have a read of my link. It IS abuse.

Darkesteyes · 17/05/2013 22:33

Ten years ago after seven years of no sex and affection but before my affair i asked him whether it would be possible for us to have sex again. He shrugged his shoulders and said "i dont know" and didnt want to discuss it further.

Morloth · 18/05/2013 00:05

You are basically his Mum.

AnAirOfHope · 18/05/2013 09:26

Hi

I would have said the same to a male poster.

I think the older a person is the harder it is to find someone of the same age that is single as by that time they are in relationships or settled down. So if you want sex with someone single its harder the older you get as oposed to having sex with someone in a relationship and causing hurt to other people.

Im in my 30s so i cant imagain either my mum or dad in their 70s wanting to have sex with a women with a partner intow.

I also find it hard thinking about having sex with the same person but them not being at my birthday party, xmas dinner, gc christening, dc wedding or being apart of my family.

AnAirOfHope · 18/05/2013 09:36

Op

If he is watching porn he is not asexuale he just doesnt fancy you.

What you have is a friend not a lover or partner.

You are not responsable for another adult, you are not responable for careing for him, housing him, his issues, feeding him or for fixing him or his gambling problems.

You have a son that needs you, you dont have two children. You are holding this man back from being a ture adult and taking responsabiloty for himself.

Tough love: ask him to move out and that you will be his friend/adopted mother.

AnAirOfHope · 18/05/2013 09:38

Then start dating after reading the red flag threads and internet dating threads.

Good luck xx

Whocansay · 18/05/2013 09:43

This is so sad. I think that some people can make this work, if its clear from the beginning. I suspect that because your on here asking questions in the first place, that you are not one of these people. I think staying with this man will only lead to unhappiness for you both.

I think it would be best to separate and stay friends. Then you are free to pursue a normal relationship with someone who wants to have sex.

What's being proposed here sounds more like a cage for you both.

My twopenneth. Flowers

Original poster
Lemonies · 18/05/2013 10:46

I am more his Mum, he recently lost his Mum to cancer, a fast acting one she was only in her fifties, which has made it even harder for me to split.
I wish he would have an affair or something it would make it easier for me knowing he just doesn't fancy me.
That I can live with the thought of abandoning him just to watch him fail.

I don't feel bitter I just feel tired of it.

You are right Hope, it isn't going to improve so something has to be done.

OP posts:
gettingeasiernow · 18/05/2013 11:36

There are all sorts of unorthodox families and relationships out there these days, nuclear family is not the only way any more, I personally would have no problem with unorthodox arrangements per se but it's very individual.
I just wanted to another perspective from the point of view of the man you will find to have sex with. I have known (not under these circumstances tho) a man who offered these services, including FEIGNED intimacy, with many women at the same time, more than a few of them married and in situations such as yours. I think the type of man who would be your partner would be either an escort, a pseudo escort (such as mentioned above, he usually took payment in kind, horridly dishonest man), or a genuine man whose feelings would likely become entangled. I think it will be hard for you to find someone whom you both like and trust enough to be intimate with long term, and who will not resent the situation. You lay yourself open to the second variety in an attempt to make do, and that's to be avoided. Basically it's fraught with complications.

mrscynical · 18/05/2013 13:24

Asexual does not necessarily mean he is not interested in ANY sex. It can mean that he is not one iota keen on 'normal' sex i.e. PIV intercourse.

He may be interested in being a voyeur, fetish-related sexual relief or some aspects of BDSM. There are many variations and you should seek out asexual forums where you will come across people in a similar situation. It can work for many couples but he needs to be totally upfront about what does excite him sexually and you have to decide if you can live with what he wants, agree to be a poly couple or split up. Communication at least will help you decide.

DistanceCall · 18/05/2013 16:27

It sounds like you want to keep the relationship going because you pity him in some way and feel sorry for him and don't want to hurt him. (Whereas, as I said, he doesn't seem to be that concerned about not hurting you).

As other people have said, that's not a lover or even a friend, thats a mother. Get out, find someone who will make you happy. This is not a healthy relationship, even as friends.

happyAvocado · 18/05/2013 22:45

not true this:
Asexual does not necessarily mean he is not interested in ANY sex. It can mean that he is not one iota keen on 'normal' sex i.e. PIV intercourse.
as:
Asexuality (or nonsexuality) is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone or low or absent interest in sexual activity.

if someone get's aroused by watching porn is sexual attraction to something he sees. An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction.

Swipe left for the next trending thread