My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb

[Mouseyinmyhousey]

Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.

After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.

Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.

Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.

I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.

He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.

Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.

We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.

He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.

I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.

I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.

I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.

I would take control. It will be hard, but it will be courteous and will make it "real". I'd tell the sister.

You need to tell people - then it will be real/tangible. And then you can really move on.

I like that list, it's a bit depressing though as much of it applies to me and the stuff I've put up with

I would tell the sister and friend. Keep it short and factual. Wish them well for the future and leave it at that.

Yes, deal with it yourself. He is very likely not to say anything at all, leaving you looking like a rude boor, or he will make something up about what a bitch you are etc.

Tell her the bald truth. Don't feel the need to dress it up nicely. 'I have endedit as he is not to be trusted." That pretty well covers everything, doesn't it? Then let her rage at her brother.

Mousey , you've gone the right thing for your and your DC but it's natural to feel sad and hurt, mourning the relationship you hoped for.

One day you'll look back on this and be proud of yourself, even if it doesn't feel like it now.

You know that even if you did move to his town that it would never work out right? You would constantly be on edge waiting for the moment he drops you again -which he certainly will.

You cannot have a relationship with a man like this. Eventually he would have shattered your trust so much that you will only resent him more anyway.

You are doing the right thing, it just may take a while to see that. Cut contact with him. He will probably show you more attention now that you want to end it but do not fall for it, this is not a man who has magically changed overnight. Best of luck op, your posts remind me of me in one of the worst times of my life. There is someone out there who will treat you with love and respect -for its just not him and never will be.

That baggage reclaim article is excellent Diagonally.

I would tell the sister, perhaps not immediately, but in a couple of weeks - 'We broke up - I deserve better' may be a good line.

I know it will feel weird and lonely to begin with. 4 years is a long time. But I am a great believer in making way for new people in your life, whether it is friends or partners.

I remember years ago I had a friend who was really toxic - she didn't really like me, and put me down all the time, poisoned other friendships and relationships. I was going from one boyfriend to another who weren't really that interested in me or I wasn't that into them. Another friend had a fortune teller night at her house, and when it was my time to see the woman, she told me she could see I was surrounded by people who weren't right for me, and to cut out the dead wood from my life. I don't really believe all the fortune teller malarky, but I recognised good advice when I saw it, and I did exactly that. I went nc with my 'friend' and the friend was furious - inundated me with phone calls, messages, calls to work - you name it. Her behaviour is exactly the same as the controlling abusers that you read about on here.

It felt very empowering. Soon after I took up a sport, and met so many wonderful people through that, 15 years later I still have wonderful friends I met. It wouldn't have happened if I was still allowing myself to be cowed by my former friend.

Sorry for the essay, but it will be ok. Honestly.

I'd appreciate it people don't all yell at me for speaking to him.

Last night he was texting saying he's sorry for being an asshole and can we just forget it all and make up etc. Today he's rang me and I spoke to him, just wanted to hear what he had to say.

He wanted to come over tonight, I told him no and that it really is over, I'm not messing around no more, I briefly explained why and how I wasn't waiting around a moment longer for him to make his mind up if I'm what he wants. He said how I am what he wants, he is committed, I know he takes his time with things and he'd always get round to moving in etc. He said he's not fussed about marriage at the moment but he probably would eventually. I said that that's fine for him and he's free to live as he chooses, but how it means a lot to me so I'm free to move on with my own choices. I also said I was fed up of all the lies and disappearing in moods for days and even weeks at a time, keeping me at a distance from his family and how I wasn't prepared to put up with any of it for a single day longer.

He then tried to say how we've 'only' been together for 4 years and it's not that long, all along I kept saying that his opinions and choices are his but mine are mine and I have the right to live and feel the way I choose and not deny my feelings. Then he bought dc into it, and how he's attached to dc. In the end he said he supposes he is a bit scared of making a big commitment, but that doesn't mean he's going anywhere or I'm not what he wants in life.

Then he started saying how he won't accept we're over, and I must still care to be still speaking to him. So I once again told him what I thought and ended the call telling him not to contact me again. He's just been texting saying I'm so good for him, he can't switch his feelings off and he's so tired of messing about too.

It's all just bla, bla in my opinion, actions speak louder than words. I'm not asking for the world. Just a natural progression in a relationship of living together really. We've had the best chance we could have, dc was only a baby when we met so there's never been any issues there, dc is a lovely laid back happy child who thinks the world of ex boyfriend, there was no ex around to complicate anything and I've always made lots of time for the relationship as well as family time we've had loads of fun going off to hotels and days ot while dc was with grandparents. We got on really well, loads in common, generally speaking, his family all like me and we get on great. The problems have all been his own doing.

Please before anyone says he's been using me and doesn't want to give up his cosy set up. While I'm sure that's probably true, it's a bit hard for me to see it like that, as yes I'd cook for him during the week, do washing, bed to sleep in, he'd alway take us out for lovely meals on weekends, or arrive laden with bags full of nice food for the weekend, I could never really accuse him of being tight with money.

I do know that there's no future for us, for whatever reason he just won't take the next step, I think somethings just snapped in me. But I don't think he's taking me very seriously at the minute.

But you have told him it's over. Whether he takes you seriously or not is neither here nor there. It's your decision.

Please don't tell me you're going to let him come back ...

Well, he's not taking you seriously because it's not in his nature to take your feelings seriously. You've got plenty of evidence of that. And while I don't mean to yell, because you said all the right things, talking to him just gives him more reasons not to take you seriously. Because that gives him a way to sweet-talk himself back in.

Mousey, you are sounding very strong. It seems such a shame that there was so much potential, however you are right, he will never take the next step, and even if he did, as a result of an ultimatum, would he be a committed and loving husband all the time?

(having said that, I did have the 'no diamond, no deal' convo with my now DH, but it wasn't after 4 years and lots of false starts)

No, I think the conversation we had proves he's nowhere near going to change, not that I thought he would. I suppose there's a tiny part of me that hopes the shock of me ending it might make him pull himself together, but I know it almost never works like that in real life.

It is my decision, it IS my decision, I know that.

I mean the fact he hasn't made a commitment may not be bad enough if it wasn't for all the other stupid horrible stunts he pulls.

It's just amazing that despite me spelling it out clear as day it still doesn't sink in to his thick skull.

Thank you all, and Beryl, can you understand what I'm saying about how we had the best chance we could? It's probably just how I feel, but it's not as though I can think oh well his mum never liked me, or we argued about this or that, or we bored eachother, or my dc didn't get on with him or anything like that.

I know it can happen, my sister and her now husband were together for 10 years before they tied the knot. They did live together but, she wasn't on the deeds of the house, after she decided to move out and get a place of her own he proposed and a few years on they are really happy. But how long am I supposed to wait? It's not just about getting married, it's the fact he won't even live together, he struggles to even leave a tshirt at my house, he goes in moods and depressions over nothing and I don't know if I'm coming or going. It's not that I'm desperate for a ring on my finger because I'm not, I'm just desperate for stability and normality. Just being able to book a holiday or makes plans without worrying there will be some big drama and we won't be able to go.

Then he started saying how he won't accept we're over, and I must still care to be still speaking to him.

That's why people are suggesting you don't engage further with him now you've made your decision. If you continue talking to each other he is taking that as encouragement and a sign you may relent.

Well done, sounds as though you've managed to say many things you wanted to. You've been strong. And I'm sure it was hard.

Oh and he did say ok I'll move in tomorrow, but I said I don't want him to do it because he's being forced, I want him to do it because he wants to and it makes him happy. He just went of track and said that I make him happy.

Yes I understand that it's best not to, especially now as I have had my chance to just say my bit, I should not need to repeat it.

I am making the right decision aren't I?

He's very used to pursuing his own agenda at any cost, Mouseyin... he's not likely to stop now.

He'll keep pegging away at you.

......he won't accept we're over, and I must still care to be still speaking to him....

Yes, the only possible decision. Think of his attitude to your DC.

I don't think anyone would feel cross with you for talking to him, that's understandable.

However I do think you need yup be in your guard. He's turning on a charm offensive because you're asserting yourself and he's worried about losing his cushy billet (sorry if that sounds blunt)

If you feel yourself softening towards him, remind yourself of the horrible way he speaks to and about your DC and the spiteful strop over the holiday.

"to be on your guard"...auto correct fail!

The "you must care" and "I don't accept its over" attitude are big red flags. It's all about him and what he wants, isn't it?

I agree it's great that you are thinking about what you want mousey. You've probably thrown him for a loop!

Thanks all, I think I've come a long way from say 6 months ago, when I was putting my own thoughts and opinions to one side, even denying them to myself, trying to be the 'cool' girlfriend so to speak.

He persuaded me that I was mental for wanting more commitment, and for just wanting to be treated with basic respect and courtesy. everything was always my fault, he rarely apologised for things.

I'm ashamed to admit this but he even had me agreeing to terms and conditions that I was not allowed to ring him on his days at home, and I'm not one for ringing over and over or for long drawn out conversations, but just a quick goodnight call, or a how's your day. I'd get a text response of 'what do you want'. The chatting with other women from chatrooms, I don't think he's done this for at least the last year btw, but I was wrong for asking him not to do that as 'nothing was going on it was just speaking'. I'm not on about forums like this btw either of a shared interest, but dating chatrooms and the like. I wasn't allowed to be annoyed if he ditched plans we'd made at the last minute. I mean there were many times he was supposed to be coming round and he'd text at the last minute simply saying 'I'm not coming' not even a bloody reason why, and I daren't question that or I'd be accused of being controlling.

But something clicked in me one day and I thought no I don't have to feel wrong for wanting certain things in a relationship, I felt more able to voice my feelings. I have to say there has been improvements since I've stood up to him, but too little too late.

I don't want to yell at you either - all I'd like to say is that your approach to him on the phone last night sounded very strong and good on you for telling him like it is.

However - as others have said, it's irrelevant whether or not he "accepts" your decision. Your decision is your decision and him being unhappy about that doesn't alter the fact it's been made. It seems though that what he's trying to do now is wear you down - as he's done before - with various vague promises (him saying he's not fussed about marriage for example, but "probably would" in the future is really rather insulting and is another case of him dangling a carrot in front of you - I bet if you let him the marriage promise would never come to fruition) and compliments.

I know you told him never to contact you again - well done. But I think in order for him to take you seriously you must also be prepared to rebuff any further attempts to communicate with you. You've allowed him some airtime to say what he wants to say but I think if you respond at all to him again he'll see that as there being a glimmer of hope still, and he'll just pester you all the more. Really, I think you need to block his number, block his email, don't answer the door to him and so on. As you say yourself, while the lack of commitment he's shown is both frustrating and hurtful, there are also all the rather more nasty things he's done - like doing a disappearing act when you were asleep, like the holiday that never was, like the online women, like unwarranted criticism of DC. I think those things are what make your decision all the more the right one because the way he's treated you on several occasions shows a really unpleasant, cruel streak in him for which - unless you've not told us - he's never properly explained or apologised for.

Hopefully, once he gets used to absolutely NO response from you the idea that you're serious and you mean will start to sink into his "thick skull"! Apart from anything else, no-one could possibly accuse you of not having given him and this relationship a fair chance - and by never speaking to him again I think you'll be doing yourself a favour too .... because it's never pleasant to have to pore over all the whys and wherefores of a failed relationship, and last night must have been stressful and upsetting for you despite the way you handled it so strongly. You definitely don't want to have to keep doing that for goodness knows how long.

I really hope he gets the message sooner rather than later - and if you block him, and don't have to hear from him, whether or not he "gets it" won't be your concern any longer and you can start to look forward not back.

When someone tells you who they are, LISTEN.

He's told you who he is many times.