My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb

[Mouseyinmyhousey]

Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.

After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.

Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.

Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.

I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.

He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.

Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.

We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.

He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.

I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.

I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.

I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.

Yes, absolutely Scarlett and Jamie. Think I'm just so used to banging my head up the same brick wall it's become a habit/addiction even.

I can't grasp why he tries to carry on the relationship when he knows he's no intentions of committing. Argh, but stuff him.

Can I return to this thread if I need a bit of hand holding/sense shaking into me.

because he can, because it gives him what he needs, and because he puts himself ahead of you .......

And please do return.

Please be careful - be prepared for a sudden annoincemt from him that maybe he could move in with you after all. Do not fall for it.

I think you articulated yourself why the whole move-to-his-town thing is so worrying. If it went wrong, you'd have uprooted your daughter and lost your house for nothing. The stakes are much, much higher for you.

If you can see all that, so can he. And yet he suggests it - and doesn't even suggest moving to your town to a different house, which would take care of the "not feeling like his" problem. That's what made me think there was an element of manipulation in it. It suits him very well to put you at such a disadvantage, because it means you're more likely to put up with more crap.

By the way, I think all this really went wrong at the chatrooms thing, which you mentioned in passing almost as a teething problem. If somebody won't respect your wishes enough to stop chatting up other women, there's not a lot of hope really.

Sorry, I keep saying daughter, I don't know why, you haven't said! DC.

Well done Mousey.

If he had wanted to commit to you (and your little one) he would have done it long before now. And it's not even just a logistical problem about whose house / town you live in.

He manufactures rows, blows hot and cold, and criticises your child. Flirts with women online. Personally I would have cut him dead after the holiday thing. Cut out the dead wood and make way for wonderful people in your life.

You said earlier that you weren't sure what to say to people. Firstly it is none of anyone's business, but something along the lines of 'he couldn't really commit. I'm need to make space for Mr Right.' and not getting in to any other conversation would do it.

I'm really glad that people can see why it makes less sense for me to move, and that it would be a mistake for me to move. As much as the dream is nice, the reality has the potential to be terrible, and it would be far, far easier for him to move.

And yes he probably will say at some point that he will move in. He's done it before. He even did 'move in' once, for two weeks, then left one morning and took all his stuff while I was still asleep.

Well done, Mousey - you have been very brave. Now you have to prepare yourself for the onslaught from him. After all, you have asserted yourself, and he will be cross that you have challenged him. How very dare you!

Keep talking to us and we'll all hold your hand!

for you. And some and .

I think the telling people thing is because I don't really let on apart from to one or two people how bad things were. But I know you can't stay in an awful relationship just because of what people may think or ask.

It will be hard as I'm losing plans and hope, just things like our Summer holiday, plans we had for my birthday, you know the nice stuff we did have? But I guess I will get used to the change and make new plans.

Can you enlist the help of some RL friends or family? Perhaps It would be good for you to have something else to think about.

There will be other holidays and birthdays.

And the other holidays and birthdays will be so much better, as they won't be empty gestures, but will come from the heart.

You have done really well. Can you delete him from your phone and block his calls and texts? Emails can go in a separate folder which you can empty without reading.

It will be hard at first, but you will quickly find your feet without him dragging you down and causing you worry and stress.

Keep going, it'll be worth it.

Can you make some new, nice plans, for you and DC to do stuff together? A holiday, perhaps?

He even did 'move in' once, for two weeks, then left one morning and took all his stuff while I was still asleep.

That is just thoroughly nasty.

Agree with BIWI, make some nice plans! It takes about a month to break a habit. If you can stay strong and keep yourself distracted for one month, you can look forward to a brighter future with room for someone who actually wants to commit to you and be nice to you in it.

I completely missed the online flirting stuff. How bloody disrespectful and yet another reason why you've done the right thing.

As for telling people, it's entirely up to you of course but you might consider telling more people exactly how bad it was. I know when you're in the thick of it you feel ashamed to admit what goes on sometimes - and of course there's the thing of not wanting to turn others against him in case you had both managed to work things out but that no longer applies (as he's had too many chances already) and you shouldn't protect him any longer. It might add to your determination to stay apart the more people you tell as - to be blunt (and no offence intended) - you might then look like a bit of a nit if you confessed how awful he was/is and then went back to him. The other thing about sharing more in real life is that hopefully you'd get lots of sympathy and lots of support.

Totally agree with BIWI about planning some nice stuff for you and DD. Just think that without all that free food you'll no longer have to buy you should have a fair amount to do something useful/fun with instead!

STOP TALKING TO HIM.

you have ENDED it. block his number pleeeeaaaase

Hand holding.

Of course you can and should let yourself grieve the loss of your plans, of your hope for what the relationship might have been. But please also remember that these things never would have happened anyway, and whatever he promises he just doesn't see it in the same way you do - his end goal is not the same. It's okay to grieve and be sad about it, not so helpful to dwell on how to make it happen or entertain any proposals he might cone to you with.

I agree, make plans for you and DC. :) is there anything big that you've always wanted to do but never had the means?

"He even did 'move in' once, for two weeks, then left one morning and took all his stuff while I was still asleep."

Who the fuck DOES that to someone they are supposed to love?

And yes he probably will say at some point that he will move in.

Not if you have ended it and have stopped communicating with him, he won't.

I hope that makes sense - I mean yes the holiday or whatever may well have happened but he'd still be his stroppy old self, ruining parts of it, that whatever hope you had for the relationship in general, realistically these things never get better, but worse. It's totally normal and ok to feel sad but don't romanticise it and look back with rose tinted specs on, and realise that what you're sad for isn't real but was a dream or fantasy.

Stay strong Mousey. This is best for you and DC.
Maybe print one of the above posts that hits home for you, and stick it on your fridge door? And keep coming here. We'll keep you strong.

I don't have half as much rl support as I could do with. I mean I have people who will be a shoulder to cry on. But most people are too busy with their own families, and even having a friend over doesn't really replace the company of a relationship does it?

I'm quite good at just plodding along getting on with things, and I will make some nice plans for me and dc.

I like some of the ideas for staying strong, and a lot of the points are very valid.

We had the best chance we could of really and I don't really have any regrets other than letting it drag on too long, I gave it my best shot so I certainly can't look back and say I didn't try, or I didn't treat him well enough!

I'm supposed to be going on his sisters hen night in a couple of months and arranging it via her friend. Would you tell the friend we've split up so I won't be involved, as he certainly won't tell his family he always pretends things are great. Or would you just ignore it and let him explain why to his sister and friend, I know courtesy would be for me to, but his family will have a big shock and probably want to know why etc.

This is also a great list for your fridge...helped me a lot when trying to go NC with someone once

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/im-not-that-woman-an-ode-for-every-woman-who-has-loved-lost-and-forgotten-her-value/