My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb

[Mouseyinmyhousey]

Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.

After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.

Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.

Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.

I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.

He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.

Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.

We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.

He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.

I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.

I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.

I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.

You can't be suprised that he does not think you mean what you say. You have said it all before to him and not really meant it (or changed your mind). You relationships has been full of empty talk. By both of you.

You have to show you mean it. Block his calls, block Facebook and don't respond to him.

Good luck OP. I think you are doing the right thing by ending the relationship.

X- posted with your last post.

I'm glad to see there's increasing anger each time you say a bit more about what went on - and so there should be! What you've just described about the "terms and conditions" you had to abide by is horribly controlling and disrespectful and yes - he obviously tried to make you feel you were wrong for objecting to stuff that the vast majority of normal women would object to. As I said before, I think his unwillingness to commit was the least of your problems - his horrid attitude to you was far more worrying and no way does anyone deserve to be treated the way you were.

Sorry my post is a bit garbled.....

catsmother thanks, the cruel stuff he's done, well I haven't listed the half of it or the worst of it, and I won't, but there's worse than I've said, he has half heartedly apologised for some of it, and for others blamed me, or made it out to be not that bad, but it really is that bad.

My intention now is to stay strong and ignore.

My questions is still, and I know noone can really answer it for sure, why he still wants to keep this thing going after he knows what I think, and he has no intentions of changing, and I know people say he's got a cushy set up, and perhaps he has. But he's not all bad, it's like he's two sides, I mean this is the guy who went out at driving round shops at near midnight to find a 24 hour when we ran out of bread for dcs party sandwiches, this is the man who drove me 3 hours to my sisters wedding then took himself all the way home, then back again for the day because my old car might not have made the journey, the man who wants to buy me presents when I've taken him shopping for his birthday presents. Why so nice but yet so nasty?

You're doing great mousey.

I am making the right decision aren't I?

I suspect we can't assuage those lingering doubts you have - all the stuff we've already said would have done it by now if we could. You can only take one day at a time, refuse/cut all contact, and let the answer become clear in your own mind. catsmother is right, you are sounding different with each post, so I think you'll get clarity pretty soon.

It's ok to have setbacks though. You're mourning something you thought was other than it really was. The phone call must have been hard. Maybe a small cry and a small ?

I have empty talked yes, BUT the only reason I got back with him was because he made certain promises, he told me that he'd realised what he wanted, he painted a picture of us buying the house, having the family life, and it hasn't surfaced, I only got back together last time because of the promises he made and he knew that.

Don't want to read and run. Stop analysing him and he did this, he did that (I used to do this) and concentrate on yourself. You sound like you're starting to do well. I know that you have spent a lot of time and effort on him but spend that time and effort on yourself so that you are happy and when you are ready you meet someone who deserves you.

Why does he want to keep it going? Well, it's nice having a gf. You're attractive, and fun to be with, and being with you makes him feel good about himself - BUT he doesn't expect you to make any demands on him. You're just an actor in the play of HIS life, there to make it more interesting (as well as easier, with the cooking and washing that people have pointed out).

Does that make sense? It's all about him. He wants to keep you because it's working for him. He's not listening to you now because what you want has never really come into it for him.

Evidence of his not listening or taking you seriously: You say it's over and he says OK I'll move in tomorrow. Ha!!

You're sounding strong, well done - when he grinds you down so that you feel less strong (as is unfortunately likely to happen in the next few days or weeks), reread this thread. And of course keep posting for handholding.

What is the next step ? If it's your house, he needs to move out.

Pack up anything that has come back in of & tell him it's over & you want his keys back.

If he refuses, wait till he's gone, then get a locksmith in, change the locks & leave his stuff on the doorstep & text hm they need collecting.

Job done.

Yes that does make a lot of sense charlotte, particuarly about what I want not coming into things, that has always been the case really, and I suppose the nice things he's done have been relatively easy for him haven't they, although they seem nice on the surface. And that's all the more horrible isn't it, because he's not respecting my wishes.

I don't feel very strong because I know I'm going to start missing him terribly soon. But things are starting to make more sense in my mind, I've stopped blaming myself and it's starting to sink in that the future I wanted with him really is never going to happen.

I agree with charlotte, he's hanging on because he probably genuinely does like having you around and enjoys your company. The problem is that he doesn't really value it - if he valued you and cared about you, then how you felt would be relevant to him, but it seems like he doesn't. I wouldn't be surprised if he moved on very quickly :(

I don't think it's that he isn't bothered whether you want to be with him BTW, I just think it's as simple as that he hasn't considered that you might have an opinion. To him it is as simple as "we should get back together, because we were happy and now I (we) are sad." He doesn't see that to have ended the relationship, you must have been pretty unhappy. And because he was happy before he thinks that you can all just go back to the way things were and carry on but of course it is more complex than that by a long shot.

At least you know that you're going to miss him. So while you're feeling strong, are there any plans you can make? Ways to avoid his calls, emails, texts, fb for example? Then when you're feeling weaker, you can say to yourself, "I made this plan (not to open any emails from him or whatever it might be) so I'm going to stick to it even though I can't remember now why I did it."

He may move on quickly, although we have in the past finished for as much as 3 months and he hasn't moved on, well neither of us did, he didn't even tell his family we'd split up. But he wanted to get back together. I've completely point blank ignored every form of contact for over two weeks and he's still persisted.

Charlotte, not on FB so that's not a problem, what I did last time we broke up was I'd leave my phone switched off upstairs so I wasn't tempted to answer/text back. He threatened suicide to get me talking, and then promised he'd changed and realised what he'd lost. He's also likely at some point to pop over.

I know if I'm to mean and stick to this this time I have to be a lot firmer with myself too. This is the most frustrating thing and why this is so soul destroying for me, he does not and will not commit but he also will not just let things go.

for you, Mousey, well done. You sound much clearer now. Get yourself too busy doing fun things to miss him, don't think it's going to be as hard as you imagine. I hope you'll feel free

Threatening suicide, over a break up? Goodness me, what a an absolute numpty.

The correct realise, if he does it again it's to say "oh well, that's a shame. Make sure you don't leave a mess behind, won't you?"

He's very manipulative indeed, isn't he?

Ahh not again! Response not realise .

The suicide threats doesn't surprise me at all. You alluded to feeling a bit sorry for him, earlier

The most difficult thing at the stage you are at, is that you want to keep applying the model of what a normal, decent, respectful person would or wouldn't do to him, and seeing the bits that fit and thinking they make sense (so he must be ok really) and being unable to make sense of the bits that don't fit (so perhaps he isn't ok after all). Has you going round in demented circles.

The thing is, its the bits that don't fit that matter.

Anyone, anyone, even the most dangerous of pyschopaths, can do nice. If it suits them. If they are bored. If it's a means to an end.

But a respectful, decent, NORMAL person does not make up "rules" for when his "partner" can or cannot ring him.

Never.

Either he is a controlling arse or he's been seeing other women. Possibly both.

No contact is the only option with someone like this.

Diagonally thanks for your post. you've reminded me of something I often forget, that I try to put things into neat boxes, try to understand people, and that can't always be done.

The feeling sorry for him is a funny one, there is an element ot that, but I'm not sure if it's just normal because I care so much about him, but he has a vulnerability about him. He's very shy, awkward, not very confident about some things, and it almost makes me want to care for him even more, I don't like to think of him unhappy, so in the past I've felt sorry when he's said he's sad and lonely.

Well done for staying strong Mousey. Don't fall for the pity act, an ex of mine would try this, and suicide threats, when all else had failed.

The thing about making you feel sorry for him, as with the suicide threats, is that it's still all about him.

And that's definitely emotional abuse and blackmail. And not on.

Yep, I had one who threatened suicide. That's after he kept me hooked in with the line 'you are the best thing that has happened since my Mum died.'

Pity plays and threatening suicide are enormous red flags.

Everyone here who has experienced this can understand how you have got sucked in and how hard it is to get out. It's like being stuck in a whirlpool.

I think you feel angry at yourself and not him, but the key to breaking out is re-directing your anger and giving yourself permission to feel it towards him.

No doubt you entered this relationship in good faith and he's effed with your head and heart for no good reason.

It's OK to be furious about that.