My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb

[Mouseyinmyhousey]

Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.

After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.

Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.

Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.

I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.

He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.

Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.

We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.

He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.

I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.

I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.

I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.

I really would advise that you don't make yourself so vulnerable. It would be a HUGE mistake to make to just chase round after someone who treats you so badly.

That's how I feel, we could have moved to his town ages ago before all the ups ans downs and broken trust. I don't now feel secure enough in the relationship to leave my home and uproot dc

So is it over between you both?

I don't blame you. You'd have to be a total fool to do that to your child. You are being very sensible and responsible to not allow him to charm you into making your child very vulnerable. Your primary responsibility is to your child and keeping a secure roof over their head.

You shouldn't be with someone who ever acts like they don't even like you. Even if sometimes they're really rather nice. Someone who loves you never acts like they hate your guts. Someone who doesn't like you can, otoh, pretend to be nice and kind sometimes in order to keep hold of you.

Don't doubt yourself. You and your child deserve more than to be treated like this.

I've said its over but he's not really listening

He said we just need to iron out our differences and we shouldn't waste all these years

Well, he doesn't need to listen. You don't need his permission or his agreement to end the relationship. you just need to say this is over and if you don't accept it and leave me alone, I will contact the police.

I think you shouldn't waste any more years with him.

Sunk costs fallacy. Don't throw good years after bad.

And just by the by, imagine how much more persuasive that line would be if (god forbid) you DID move to his town. Not only would have have invested time, you'd have left your support network and lost your lovely house and be even more invested in flogging this dead horse of a relationship.

Now again, why do you think he might want you to move to his town?

Agree with Hec though, he doesn't need to listen. What he thinks/says from this point on is irrelevant, you don't have to listen to it or tie yourself up in knots trying to analyze it.

Nonsense from him. He's wasted 4 years already, and just wants to waste more.

Do not under any circumstances give up your home. If you move into his town and his house he will become a nightmare. Please believe me.

Well done you for telling him - now see it through please for both yourself and your daughter.

As others have already said you don't need him to listen for it to be over as far as you're concerned. You don't need his permission to end things. Please block him - from your email, your phone and so on. This isn't a spur of the moment decision you've made after a short relationship but something you've tried to do many times before. You know don't you that the "too good together" is yet more lying crap - harsh but true. What sort of "good together" boyfriend would be so cruel as to invite you on holiday then tell you you can't come as if you're some sort of naughty little kid ? That was cruel. And if you're so good together then why won't he commit ?

Please please don't have any more communication with him. Yes - he's suggesting you move to his town now but I bet if you set that in motion and it looked like becoming a reality he'd come up with another excuse to postpone this. In any case, yet again this suggestion would benefit him - it'd be you doing all the running - again - your child being uprooted from school. It's far far easier for a man on his own to move and so bloody what if it'd mean him being all of 30 mins from his job ? Boo hoo - most people would count themselves lucky to have such a short trip to work. Anyway that's by the by because you're NOT going to consider that - are you !! The housing setup you have now is worth its weight in gold and you need to hold onto that. Don't let this man sweet talk you into giving up your security.

Ignore him from now on. Remember that however much you're hurting now, each day that passes will make you feel slightly better as you begin to realise what a huge deadweight has actually been lifted from you. The anxiety and humiliation of constantly wondering why he won't commit, questionning what's wrong with you etc will disappear because he's not in your life any more and therefore such thoughts are irrelevant now. Indeed, what I'm certain will happen if you give yourself a chance to feel it is that you'll start to get angry about him not committing, angry about him stringing you along, angry that he lied over and over, angry that he was cruel and angry that you wasted so much time on him. Wait till that anger kicks in and your resolve will strengthen like you can't imagine - now - but it will happen and when it does you'll feel empowered and really proud of yourself for kicking this wanker into touch.

In the meantime, keep coming here if you need to. Most of us have been in a similar situation and know how it feels.

And "Iron out our differences"!!!? Haven't you been trying to that rather unsuccessfully for a looooong time already. Failing due to his pretence of cooperation and willingness?

honestly, there are a lot of good men around who would love to give you everything you want, and be capable of doing it too. This man isn't one of them.

apparently men (or women i suppose) who do not 'let' you finish things between you are a BIG RED FLAG

Well done! Now you've got to be very careful - he will try to wheedle his way back in. He'll not going to let all those free meals and sex on tap disappear without a protest, is he? Don't meet him, don't have phone conversations with him, don't try to convince him that you have good reasons to call it quits. He is not going to acknowledge your reasons. Don't look to him to validate your decision. You have to stop all contact now, and stay stopped.

Very proud of you, btw!

Good decision Mousey!

As far as you are concerned it is over

Therefore it is over

Doesn't matter if he doesn't want to listen. There is nothing more for him to listen to

No more talk required.

Just don't answer his calls now. Or his texts. If he comes round, just tell him: I said it was over and I mean it.

You have wasted enough years.

Don't wait another minute.

Cheers

I'm surprised how strong the reaction is that I should not even consider moving to his town.

But I do realise I'm in a good position and I do not want to uproot dc for a relationship that's so unsettled already.

I suppose a lot of things such as the holiday, I've forgiven him for, as they were quite a while ago.

I do also agree that even if I were to consider moving, the reality would be it would never happen on his part anyway.

I'm going to do my best to stay strong and not believe him ifhe starts promising the world.

He's had enough time and chances hasn't he? it's not as though what I'm asking for is unreasonable.

Why are you even going to talk to him again?

Not to say I am but I think it will be hard to now just completely block him out, probably because perhaps I'm not seeing it as as bad as it perhaps is?

It's soooo selfish of him to even ask you to come to his town.

It's such crap for him to talk about ironing out differences when he is rubbish at making effort other than opening his wallet every now and then

Would it help if I said I don't think he's "bad" or abusive or those things you don't want to hear and make you lose your resolve because they aren't quite ringing true to you ?

It's enough to say that he is not the man for you and your child.

Gosh, OP. I hope it all works out OK. I almost never tell people to LTB but there was nothing in any of your posts that suggested there was any other sensible thing to do.

Of course he is not listening, I would have been suprised if he had.

If you know what you are doing is the right thing (and IMO it is) Then there is no reason to discuss it with him. As you know he is manipulative and can make you feel as if it is all your fault. Don't listen to him

Good luck, be strong.

I suppose, that there's still a tiny bit of me that hopes, wishes he'd sort himself out (his words not mine).

But I know that I don't want to still be on this merry go round in 5 years time

Won't/can't who knows why he doesn't sort himself out?

But he is 30, not 19, and he's had 4 years with you, with you telling him quite clearly what it is you need.....

Yes it will be hard.

But many things worth doing are hard.

Maybe you could read through your op again and in fact the whole thread, to remind you of why you wanted to LTB, and why so many people agreed with you that it was the right thing to do.

If you keep talking to him now, it is like you don't really mean what you have said and are open to persuasion.

If you keep on doing the same things, following the same pattern, doing what you've always done, you will get what you've always got.

If you want things to change, then you need to change your approach.

Staying in a relationship with someone who you have to drag kicking and screaming to every stage is not going to be satisfying.

Wouldn't you prefer to be with someone who genuinely wants the same things as you in life? And who feels lucky to be allowed to be with you?

hear hear Scarlet