My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb

[Mouseyinmyhousey]

Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.

After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.

Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.

Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.

I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.

He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.

Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.

We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.

He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.

I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.

I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.

I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.

[AnyFucker]

You will never find a decent bloke while you let this crap one hang around

And he knows it. He gives you just enough to keep you on the hook

[Jux]

Nasty nasty nasty man.

Agree with MadBusLady. He is abusing you and your child. Unteachable? Unteachable? That is such an outrageous thing to say, especially about a child. Don't let that become a prophecy by sticking to the little shit.

The grand gestures are nothing. Really, ey look like something to you, but to him they're just a way of reeling you back in and putting you back in your box. Cheap at the price.

Perhaps getting a bit of counselling for yourself would help you see more clearly what the arsewipe is doing and has been doing to you and your child?

[Diagonally]

What's he been doing during his days off this week?

[melbie]

I say this far too much but please read 'mr unavailable and the fall back girl' It will make so much sense. I have been you. Like you say from the outside it is so obvious but they know (not saying it is conscious) exactly how much to give you and when to keep you there. It is emotionally exhausting and destroys your self esteem because you constantly feel YOU are doing something to cause this. You are not

[Mouseyinmyhousey]

He didn't actually say dc was unteachable. It's more he puts in 2 minutes helping dc on the bike then just gets fed up and says ' oh dc is too young and isn't interested, dc doesn't listen' because really he can't be bothered.

I've now no idea what he's doing with his time off. jobs round his house he says. I'm really not bothered if he wants some time to do stuff, But he lied about it, and it is a nit hurtful as he doesn't get loads of holiday, there's school hols coming up, but he'd obviously rather relax on his own than spend the time with us. Dcs room needs doing, and he hasn't offered to spend a day doing that, the more I write the more angry I get.

[Mouseyinmyhousey]

Oh and boyfriend would say, he needs to time to get certain jobs done so he can do certain things to move in. But half of these jobs won't end up getting done, and the excuses will roll on. Plus last night he decided to text asking me if 'I would move' which says to me he has no intentions and is just putting everything 10 steps back again.

[Mouseyinmyhousey]

And I do desperately want to end it, because I know deep down if he was any good for me we wouldn't be here. But I need hand holding through it. Telling him it's over is the easy bit, sticking to it when he's begging me back and promising everything I wanted is so much harder.

[Walkacrossthesand]

Mousey, you really don't need this man in your life, do you. But you need to be absolutely sure of yourself when you decide to close the door on him, because he gets more from the relationship than you do and will try very hard to win you back without actually changing the terms & conditions

[Walkacrossthesand]

Cross posted! I suggest you look back and 'count' the number of times you have had a conversation about where the relationship is going, and he's blocked the idea of planning a future together. They were all 'chances' for him to 'change his mind'. Factor in the amount that he knows this has made you unhappy, but that hasn't shifted him. Then, when youve dumped him and he's bleating about promising to change, you will know just how many chances he's had to change, and he's chosen not to do it. Promises are easy to make, and actions speak louder than words.

[Mouseyinmyhousey]

Thank you walkacross, I don't think I could count there's so many times .

And I have become the queen of making excuses for him.

I don't even know if I'm so afraid of being single I'm willing to put up with this half parsed relationship, which is an awful way to be and certainly not the way I want to be.

[Walkacrossthesand]

You're single now in many ways though, aren't you? You look after DC on your own, and you don't have a reliable loving partner to whom your needs are special and important (sorry if that sounds harsh). At least if you were single there would be some chance of meeting someone who did do these things. It's so not true that 'any relationship is better than none', you know - a good relationship is wonderful and worth holding out for, and single is better than a 'not good enough' relationship. We'll hold your hand!

[catsmother]

No-one thinks it's easy to end a relationship. Most of us have been there too and it's not just about letting go of the person but grieving for what might have been, and for what you'd hoped for. It can be an excrutiating time and fear of going through all that sadness and anxiety is what makes many of us offer "second chances" again and again in the hope that this time things will come good.

However - in your case just think how often he's promised you what you want, and being totally honest, reflect on how often any of that has actually come to fruition. Think about these empty promises and ask yourself why, if he had any intention whatsoever in seeing these things through, would he wait until he was out on his ear before bringing these topics up ? I mean, why, if he wants to commit to you does he only ever show any interest when things have reached crisis point ? Good god - how many times are you going to let him raise your hopes and then drop you - again - from a huge height. The harsh fact is that he doesn't want what you want and he has proven this repeatedly.

But worse, far worse than not wanting to commit - and obviously, there is no law which compells anyone to commit if they don't want to - is the way he strings you along. Basically, he lies to you - again and again. He's playing games with you - throwing you just enough crumbs (which mean nothing at the end of the day) to engage your interest before he pulls yet another cruel trick on you. The holiday example is disgusting. And worst of all is that your child is also being affected by all this - however much you think they don't understand, they're absorbing the message that it's okay for men to treat women like this, at the very least, your DD's going to pick up on your sadness, stress and anxiety - all of which could be removed by getting this wanker out of your life and keeping him out. He's shown he's not committed either to the idea of taking on a parental role - and chances are that as time goes on he'd become more and more resentful about this, more and more lazy in helping out with DD, more and more scathing because again that aspect of your life is something he doesn't want to do. Forget what he says - words are cheap - and look at what he does. Actions speak louder than words is a cliche for a very good reason.

So why does he stick around ? Why does he "promise" you things ? Why does he make grand gestures every so often (even if it's not quite as impressive as it might first seem) ? Well, not being a psychologist I can't say for sure but I think it's fair to say he gets something out of this so called relationship and he doesn't want to relinquish that - at least not until it suits him to do so. I think the convenience of home cooked food has something to do with it - are you paying for all of that BTW ? He also has sex on tap when he wants it. But my hunch is that you're being used until something better comes along or until he gets fed up with you .... he's quite possibly a very lazy person who, if his mum has pampered him until recently, feels it's beneath him to do menial stuff like cooking (and washing ??). I also strongly suspect that he's very self centred, very arrogant and there's a big element of "how dare she dump me !" going on which is why as soon as you try to make a break, he comes back with all this promise crap that he has no actual intention of seeing through.

I'm sorry, but everything you've described - and I bet there's loads more isn't there - just screams that he doesn't like you. That you're just being used. For heavens sake dump him and block every form of communication with him. Don't read his emails, screen your calls, block his mobile. Do it for yourself and for your child. He's not making you happy and if you stay like this you'll become ever more unhappy with each passing year - wasted on a twat like him. There is someone out there for you who does want the same things you do and who'll treat both you and DD with respect. It might take a while to find him - and I'd recommend not even trying to find a new man for quite some time yet - just enjoy your own company, and DD's for a while - but ultimately, you're definitely never going to find happiness, whether that's on your own or with someone else, while you remained tied to someone who treats you with contempt.

Ask yourself if you'd be happy for your daughter if she had a "boyfriend" like this ? If my daughter was being treated the same way you are I'd want to rip his head off and I'm sure you'd feel the same way too. If you wouldn't accept this for your daughter then why accept it for yourself ?

And yes, it'll be hard .... but you can come on here 24/7 and there'll always be someone to chew things over with, to give you a metaphorical kick up the backside, some reassurance, or a bloody good laugh - or all three. Every time you waver - get on here and talk it through, rip his pathetic promises to shreds (if you've been silly enough not to block contact with him).

Please. Do this once and for all for you and DD.

[Bunbaker]

"I can't understand the big grand gestures."

They are empty gestures and meaningless to him. This reminds me so much of a friendship DD had at primary school and the beginning of year 7.

This girl was very controlling and manipulative and "friends" with DD only when it suited her. It was what I would describe as a toxic friendship. She didn't want DD to have any other friends and used to spread lies about DD to dissuade other girls from being friends with her. At Christmas and birthdays she used to spend lots of money on DD and give her useless tat that had slogans on like "best friends" etc. I knew they were meaningless even then.

The "friendship" came to an abrupt end and DD made a new group of friends. These new friends don't blow hot and cold with her and DD's self confidence has increased hugely because she now has friends she can trust.

Get this man out of your life now before he sucks all your self confidence away. It will hurt at first, but the relief from the uncertainty is immeasurable IMO.

[Mouseyinmyhousey]

Thanks for the replies I have to go to work now but I will pop on at my dinner because all of the messages are helpful to me.

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

Ok op. you've said you want to end it but the difficulty for you will be not relenting and taking him back when he tries to persuade you.

So don't give him the chance.

Say: this has to end now, it just isn't working for me. I don't want to go round the houses discussing it as I have thought long and hard before making this decision but now it is made. Please don't ring or come round or contact me any more, as it is important to me that I stick with my decision. I need to free myself to pursue a more suitable life for me and my child. Please respect my wishes.

And say it in a text.

Then do not take any calls from him or reply to any texts.

[BIWI]

.... and then come here and talk to us, and we will all help you keep your resolve!

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

You know, there are men out there who would be all of the positive things you list that are keeping you with this arsehole - but not the horrible bits that are dragging you down!

There is no reason to stay with this bloke.

He doesn't treat you as though he loves you and nobody deserves to be treated badly. He is giving your child horrible messages about how a man treats a woman and you are giving your child horrible messages about what a woman accepts in a relationship. When your child grows up and is looking for a relationship, what do you think they'll look for? What do you think they will think is normal?

I wonder if what you want is the family life and to be loved? But you have to understand that you are not going to get that from this man. He's not going to transform into what you wish he would be so that you can have the life you wish you had.

this is the man he is and this is the life you have with him.

You can either have this life with this person - or you can walk away.

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

He doesn't give a shit about you, not really. You will realise this one day.

You sound exactly like me about 5 years ago. My ex was very similar. Wouldn't commit, kept disappearing and not talking to me, kept picking fights to get away from me. He'd do the grand gesture when he came back and I'd fall for it every time.

It took me 7 years to realise he will never ever change. And he treats our dd in the same way he used to treat me.

You are strong enough to be without him and although it may not feel like it right now, you will be much happier without. No point holding on to what ifs because believe me it ain't gonna happen.

[frissonpink]

I'm married to a 24 year old. We have a baby together.

He has never pulled emotional stunts like this tosser!

No. He's not too young to move in with you properly.

Erm, what exactly are his good points again?

He sounds like an immature knob. Leave him.

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

Oh and I have a wonderful dh now who genuinely cares about me. The difference is amazing. I've never felt so loved and secure.

[oldwomaninashoe]

OP he probably does like you in his own way, when it suits him!
For some reason he didn't want you to go on holiday with his family, he doesn't want to commit after 4 years!!!!!!!!!!
He wants his freedom, his own space, when he chooses, the rest of the time you are a convenient companion ,cook, and sexual partner.
It suits HIM.
After 4 years he is never going to change.If you are happy for the status quo to carry on the way it is, then so be it.
But if you want more , some stability for your child and some committment, extricate yourself from this relationship and do not have him back when he next begs.
Yes it will be hard and upsetting initially, but give yourself the freedom to move forward.
He lies to you and is not to be trusted , would you ever feel really at ease with him long term and trust him?

[Shmumty]

Imagine your life in 10 years time if you stay with him. Or 20. Or 40.

Run darling, run.

[OrangeFootedScrubfowl]

I also think he has shown you what he wants out of the relationship, and if that isn't what you want for the rest of your life, you really ought to leave and find someone who does want the things you do.
He doesn't want to marry you or live with you or be a family. There doesn't have to be an overall explanation or a big reason, he just doesn't.

[IrritatingInfinity]

How old are you OP (roughly ) ?

[Mouseyinmyhousey]

Just to update, I'm 28 btw he's 30.

I told him today that it's over and why. He said he doesn't want it to be over as were too good together, he said he's not happy because he's not living a settled life, between mine and his place, and that he doesn't want to move to my town or my home as it doesn't feel like his own, and wants me to move to his town.

He has said this a long time before but never puts anything into action. I am also in a very lucky position that I rent from my gran, a lovely little house which I am likely to inherit, if however I were to move out, it is likely my gran would sell the house, or pass it to my parents to sell, and I would very unlikely be able to go back. I worry that if I was to upsticks and move , I'd not only be uprooting dc from a good school, but if the relationship didn't work out, I'd be left homeless as I'd never find a place to rent as nice and secure as where I am now, and I'd unlikely be able to take a mortgage by myself as I work part time around dcs school hours. I've always said it would be easier for boyfriend to move to me as we could test the waters so to speak on living together, and.also save up to buy somewhere really nice.