My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb

607 replies

Mouseyinmyhousey · 15/05/2013 17:15

Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.

After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.

Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.

Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.

I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.

He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.

Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.

We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.

He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.

I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.

I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.

I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.

OP posts:
Report
SugarPasteGreyhound · 15/05/2013 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadBusLady · 15/05/2013 20:52

Everyone's telling you the same thing, OP.

Report
BIWI · 15/05/2013 20:57

But he didn't buy you a car! You said:

"He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it"

You bought it between you. It was a shared purchase, not a gift.

You are deluding yourself about this man.

Report
AnyFucker · 15/05/2013 21:01

We can all tell you to LTB, but it's up to you whether you actually do it

Talk is cheap OP, as your shit boyfriend is ably demonstrating over and over

What about you...is your talk cheap ?

Report
IrritatingInfinity · 15/05/2013 21:07

I don't think the OP is listening Sad

Report
Mouseyinmyhousey · 15/05/2013 21:16

I am listening, just been clearing up the kitchen.

I really do want to take a stand but I don't know why I find it so bloody hard, and I do find it hard to just do what I should do.

It's easy to sit here and read and nod and agree with a lot of, most posts. And know what I should do. But then I have him in my other ear like the devil on my shoulder telling me it's my fault. I don't have a great deal of rl support so I end up feeling completely torn.

OP posts:
Report
Mouseyinmyhousey · 15/05/2013 21:19

Sugarpaste, your post in particular has touched home with me.

OP posts:
Report
Astley · 15/05/2013 21:36

Please tell me you don't have your child calling this manchild 'Dad' or even worse actually thinking this is their Father?

He sounds utterly toxic and you are doing your child a huge disservice letting them think this is how a Dad would be.

Report
Mouseyinmyhousey · 15/05/2013 21:43

DC doesn't call boyfriend dad, and I have explained in the simplest way I possibly can. However because he is all dc has ever known I think it is too much for dc to process, dc thinks boyfriends name is another name for dad. I haven't said this but dc can only comprehend what they see

OP posts:
Report
AnyFucker · 15/05/2013 21:45

exactly...and your dc is "seeing" lots of damaging lessons

Report
Corygal · 15/05/2013 21:46

Love, nothing you can do can fix this. He won't ever commit to you. You aren't going to get what you want.

I think a part of you knows this relationship is all over bar the shouting.

Report
HamsterDam · 15/05/2013 22:03

your dc will forget him soon, don't stay with him as a crap excuse for a dad. he is not setting a good example. my ds loved my ex still speaks about him sometimes it does make it harder but you will both be happier in the long run without him and the stress and disappointment he brings.
i would advice going no contact even with the child or its just delaying the inevitable, if he wanted to put your dc first he would commit to you both.
my ex was still seeing my ds not seen him for two months finally told him to fuck right off a week ago. it feels good

Report
Mouseyinmyhousey · 15/05/2013 22:10

Can I just ask, I know its probably irrelevant amongst all the crap. But if he truly loved us and wanted a future, he'd move right? The fact he lives in a different town is minor yes? As were only 20-30 minutes drive apart, 21 miles. He knew I wouldn't move to him once dc had started school, and he didn't want me to move at the time. One he acts that I'm expecting a lot of him to move to my town, it shouldn't matter if you love someone should it?

OP posts:
Report
AnyFucker · 15/05/2013 22:14

No, it shouldn't matter. Does he have anything tying him to that town ? Dc's of his own ? I would respect that, but not much else, tbh.

Report
Mouseyinmyhousey · 15/05/2013 22:18

He has no dcs and a lot of his family live 3 hours north so they're scattered about anyway.

OP posts:
Report
AnyFucker · 15/05/2013 22:20

Not seeing why the reluctance then

he is no good for you, anyway, so I would look on his refusal to commit as a lucky escape, tbh

you are not there yet though, I can see that

Report
Mouseyinmyhousey · 15/05/2013 22:22

I've said it would be easier for him to move as I have dc settled in school, plus I have a flexible job which I can work around school hours which are like gold dust at the minute.

I'm not sure who I'm trying to convince.

OP posts:
Report
AnyFucker · 15/05/2013 22:24

It might be interesting to say you have considered everything and you have decided to upsticks and come live with him, no more questions asked

Report
LokiTheCynicalCat · 15/05/2013 22:24

If he really wanted to move in its you, he'd be looking for ways to make it work.

He's looking for reasons NOT to move in, because he doesn't want to, but finds it easier to blame "circumstances" like your DC's school needs, his work etc etc so that he doesn't look like the bad guy - because he really doesn't want to be part of a family.

Report
Mouseyinmyhousey · 15/05/2013 22:24

I want to Fuck him off for good, really I do. I just cave in to his apologies and empty promises.

OP posts:
Report
LokiTheCynicalCat · 15/05/2013 22:25

with you, not its you.

Report
AnyFucker · 15/05/2013 22:27

then do it

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

LokiTheCynicalCat · 15/05/2013 22:27

To be honest OP, you're only going to hear what you want to hear from him. Of course you fall for the pretty words and promises. They are exactly designed to do just that - get on your good side.

You know full well he doesn't mean it by now and it won't last, but you're still not going to see through him - really - until you are ready to.

I think you're getting there though.

Report
Mouseyinmyhousey · 15/05/2013 22:30

Ha I'm sure he run a mile.

This is what I think Lola, we are both young, healthy adults with the ways and means to live together, if we BOTH wanted to. But boyfriend makes the most ridiculous excuses when he isn't up for doing something.

He did once try to tell me that the wee was coming from the upstairs toilet into the downstairs toilet when it was flushed. This was because I kept asking him why he had to leaving the downstairs toilet unflushed every day.

OP posts:
Report
ImperialBlether · 15/05/2013 22:41

He sounds a right twat, to be honest.

About the car. He obviously has enough money (why wouldn't he, if you're paying for his food and letting his stay with you for nothing?) and so he can afford to put money towards your car. That doesn't really mean anything. There's a saying about charity (not that you're a charitable case!) but that it's only good if it hurts - if you can throw money at a problem but not do without a little yourself as a result, then it's meaningless. It's the difference between the Queen giving you £1000 or your mum on a widow's pension giving you £1000. Do you see? The money doesn't mean much to him as there's more where that came from.

What would be good of him is if he simply pulled his weight. Not that he should do everything, but that he should buy food and cook 50% of the time. He should sort his own washing out. He should wash up. FFS, it's not much to ask. He doesn't do that, does he?

You are seeing the true measure of the man. He gives what he can afford to give - because it's money you don't have to spare, you see it as him being generous. You, on the other hand, do absolutely everything else, and he abuses it.

See him for the man he is and tell him to fuck off and let you find someone who deserves you.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.