My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb

[Mouseyinmyhousey]

Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.

After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.

Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.

Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.

I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.

He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.

Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.

We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.

He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.

I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.

I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.

I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.

And this loser will become the twatometer in your life! The one you measure all others by

Don't feel bad. Jerry Hall hung on all that time (decades).

I'm delighted to see upthread that someone thought one of my posts were excellent! People usually tell me (at length) why I'm wrong .

You are doing great mousey - you sound so much stronger and positive compared to, say this time last week.

I agree that these guys have a script and it's everything to do with failings on their part and not you.

Thanks flippin.

I'm still getting texts each day, I don't know whether to just reply along the lines of 'I meant what I said', or just to keep ignoring as I've said my bit already.

I've ordered the Lundy Bancroft book. while ex may not fit into the category, I'm hoping it may help me to deal with some of the past men in my life.

Deal with in my own mind I mean, I'm not planning on confronting all the men in my life with the book!

I knew what you meant :).

I think ignoring is the best way to go. If you respond you'll just get drawn in again.

I also have the LB book, can't recommend it highly enough.

Maybe you should confront them all, Mousey!

Gosh I'm laughing here at the thought, small things please small minds

You're probably right, feels really nasty just completely ignoring, but I know one reply could easily end up in a conversation and so on.

It's not nasty, it's legitimate self-defence because you know you risk a whole lot of drama and heartache if you do reply. I think we're very conditioned as women to be "nice" to people, placate them, speak when spoken to etc, even when they mean us harm, and it gets us into a lot of trouble.

I think he's banking on the fact you will think it's nasty not to.

You are not being nasty not responding, as MadBusLady says, it's self defence. She's also spot on about women being conditioned to be nice. don't be so 'nice' - practice being selfish for a bit.

You've split up. You've asked him nicely to leave you alone.

It would be incredibly sensible to block him. You won't feel nasty for ignoring him (you're not being nasty of course; he is being a major fuckwit entitled arse by not respecting your wishes) if his messages don't even get through.

It would also make it a lot easier for you in these early days (and doesn't he know so so well that he needs to reel you in back in quickly or it'll just be much harder work the longer it takes).

Do you still have some of his stuff?

You only need one more contact if you do still have some stuff, which only needs to be (said upthread I think) where and when he can get it and if he doesn't you will assume that he no longer claims ownership of it and you will dispose of it as you please.

That's it. Once done, block him. Erase him from your phone.

And after all, what's to talk about? You've told him what you want. He's not respecting you - again - by trying to talk.

There are some things here, although I asked him at the time, think it was thursday, what he wanted doing with them but he didn't answer, don't really know what to think to that, we've split up before for weeks and he doesn't bother collecting it, and he tends to take stuff he really cares about. My friend said to just bag it all up and chuck it in the shed for now.

I would. Don't let him use it as an excuse to come round and see you again. Drop them off at his house, or get a mutual friend to come and get them.

And no there's nothing to talk about, he knows what I think, I don't like ultimatums but I think he thinks if he just says he will change bla, bla it will all be ok for a bit longer. I did try to explain last week clearly the why's of it all.

I had a bf like that. Things were going to be different 'this time', he had changed, blah blah blah. SEVEN YEARS altogether. Seven years of my life!

Bag his crap, ask someone to dump it at his place for you, send text telling him when it'll be there, block /erase him. That's symbolic too!

Mousey Just checked back on this thread and i wanted to say how happy i am for you that you're getting this cockwomble out of your life - you've had some great advice from the lovely ladies on here too.

I expect he didn't answer you about his stuff because he expected to have 'won' you back by now. I'd be tempted to tell him you'll leave it outside for collection on a particular day then take it to the tip/charity shop if he doesn't come and get it.

I can't quite believe I've lasted 4, when we haven't progressed at all. well, he'd say we have, he'd say he's got 'better'.

I'll drop his stuff off at the weekend, dc has a party in between our two towns so I'll do it then, I'll just put it over the back gate though. I was going to tell him I'd leave it outside, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't bother coming to get it, then I thought he'd probably want to come in if he did. then I thought I could make sure I'm out, but am I encouraging him to come over, so easy I just drop it and can't overthink it then.

Keep him out of your neck of the woods. If you're out he'll hang about waiting for you, and if you're in he'll try to come in. Don't do it to yourself.

I was going to say that it would be better if you could get someone else to take it to his place as he is likely to come rushing out if he knows you're coming; but if you're just going to drop it over the back gate - and can do it knowing he won't see you - and then text him to say it's there, it's not so likely to upset the equilibrium you've achieved. (Toys with the idea of dropping it over the gate at midnight.....)

@ cockwomble!

well done mouse, really rooting for you and you're doing everything right, keep it up. how's your ds? is he asking about ex? will make it harder if he does have you thought about what you will say/do?