My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb

[Mouseyinmyhousey]

Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.

After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.

Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.

Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.

I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.

He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.

Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.

We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.

He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.

I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.

I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.

I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.

I really hope you feel better soon.

Mousey, this is totally understandable, you probably feel like you are missing an arm..

But it may be worth scanning through your posts on this thread to remind you why you have ended it. In fact you said you couldn't even list some of the more cruel things he had done. It might be worth writing them done in a diary though, along with how you felt at the time. Things like not allowing you to phone him is horrible, I said before, the holiday episode would have been a deal-breaker for me, as would the chat rooms. On top of all that, you said he rarely apologises, or even acknowledges he was wrong, and in fact blames you.

It's easy to get sentimental about the things you will miss, whilst forgetting all the times he has made you feel second best.

The thing is, he sounds like a man-child, and you on the other hand sound lovely. You are worth so much more than him..

And your dc will grow up happier without some man-child sniping and criticising all the time. That would be the ultimate deal-breaker for me.

Dc is another reason why I have had to make the break. Because as dc is getting older, the problems are becoming even more apparent.

The things with dc, they wern't big, obvious things. Ex never shouts, I'd never fear he'd be violent, he isn't out and out nasty. He was and always was helpful with dc from the time they met, I mean he'd go in and tuck dc in every night before bed. It's more he lacks empathy, in general, and lacks an understanding of child development and normal behaviour, and if I'm honest lacked interest and patience.

OK, so things feel a bit pointless, but you know that they're not really. Go through the motions of doing those 'pointless' things anyway. They will fill your time, and lead to other things, and as you do them you will find they become less pointless.

Cinema sounds good too!

You're not droning at all, weekends are definitely the hardest part with breakups. Cinema sounds great because then you can just sit there passing the time without having too much expected of you. I think it is a question of that terrible phrase "fake it till you make it."

I don't know whether this is a helpful suggestion at all, but have you told any friends and would you consider it, and I mean properly telling them some of the bad things? Only people you really trust obviously. It would get you support and help to make it more real.

"It's more he lacks empathy, in general, and lacks an understanding of child development and normal behaviour, and if I'm honest lacked interest and patience"

See, this sort of thing, while "low-level" and not out and out awful is still damaging in the long term.

I think we're kind of conditioned into thinking you have to work things out and try hard in a relationship etc so unless someone behaves in away that is out and out horrible (eg having a affair) you find yourself excusing something like this that makes you feel uneasy (it's not that bad really, not used to kids etc).

WRT weekends, I think they can be very hard, particularly if you find yourself on your own and you're used to having company...weekends often seem full of couples/families doing coupley/family things but soon you will look forward to them..promise!

In fact, you'll be surprised at how quickly you begin feel better. Promise! :)

Double promise ..that's how sure I am.

Great post from flippinada...

I think it feels confusing because your ex is not overtly controlling, as BerylS 's was (climbing up to the window after a 2 hour campaign! ). Yours seems more of a drifting, somewhat parasitical type, who lies for fun and can't easily think of anything or anyone beyond himself.

He seems benign, but he isn't: he hurts your and dc's feelings without a second's thought. And he'll always do that. You can't make a partner or father out of such pathologically self centred material.

Expect more Mouseyin. Look out for a nice new partner, just to have fun with....when you feel able. You don't have to be on your own or with your ex, there is a third choice.

Cheers everyone, your posts are very helpful, and give me that little boost to remind me why I'm doing this and why it has to be done.

Wordy you're right of course, I can meet someone else when I'm ready, of course it's easy to get caught up in feeling as though I won't, but it's unlikely I'll never be with anyone else!

All in all had a nice day, although have been getting a few texts, very along the lines of can't do this, I can change, I know I've been an idiot. But nothing of any substance. I've got to admit, and it isn't a good thing, that it's slightly comforting to know he's 'thinking about me', but at the same time it gets me really angry because he's talking out his arse again, it's meaningless drivel really, and it gets me mad because I think 'either change, or respect my wishes and sod off completely'.

did you reply?

Don't read the texts. There is no point. When you see a text from him squint your eyes so you can't read it and DELETE.

No I haven't replied, there's no need is there as I've said my bit?

I like the idea of squinting my eyes so not reading them, that made me smile.

They really are bloody pointless and meaningless aren't they.

Yes. He's going through the motions in confidence that it'll work - it always did before. Why should he waste time respecting your wishes when he's never bothered before. Ah, she'll have me back, I've only got to send a few texts like this.....

He's wrong this time, isn't he. He'll find out.

Meanwhile, you can plan your life, your ds's life, days out, duvet days, garden days, holidays, anything at all you feel like. Have friends round, do an evening class, redecorate, swap furniture round, change rooms, anything!

Get new bedlinen, something you love but which you know he wouldn't want. It's symbolic.

well done mouse you will get there i promise i was in exactly the same position as you 6 months ago, your ex and mine could actually be twins. i made the mistake of keeping contact for a while but now im so much happier, i feel so free without all the drama and the let downs and feeling like last choice all the time. im out with my friends, doing things i love spending time with my ds, who's behavior has improved since he went aswel, not that he was ever naughty but yswim. my confidence has grown so much. i even went to the cinema on my own last night, just because i wanted to and i could .you will be the same, you can do it, you deserve better than him and now you're free for when the lucky man comes along.in the meantime just enjoy yourself, please yourself and your ds.

Morning mousey, hope you're ok this morning. The upside (as I think you said) of drooping around all weekend upset over some twat is that one really looks forward to work on Monday morning...

Jux I like your ideas, I actually just might redecorate my bedroom.

Yes I'm ok, I think the weekdays are a bit easier as things don't feel so different as I'm doing what I'd usually do anyway.

I think my big problem is that a bit of me is still hoping he might magically change and do something once he sees I mean what I say, this is probably because he's still texting implying he will. But this is the thought that I have somehow got to shake off because it will only lead to more disappointment.

It's weird because I'm normally quite a cynical, ye of little faith type with people, never expecting anyone to change a habit of a lifetime. But for some reason with ex, I seem to have far, far too much faith.

Hi Mousey, another voice to say - hang in there. I had a 3+ year LDR with a lovely lovely guy. Lovely in every sense except absolutely adamant that the relationship was not 'for keeps'. He was happy to carry on living in the moment, planning the next few meet-ups/trips - but not beyond that at all. I was able to see it as 'living in the moment' for , ooh, 2.5 years or so - but then the lack of any sense of future began to get to me more & more, I ended it (although he then said it was a mutual split ) and he let me go. If I add that he was in his mid40s, no significant LTR behind him, has since had another LDR that - surprise surprise - is foundering because he won't commit....Yes, you miss all the good stuff dreadfully but that can't make up for the hollow that was at the centre. A good relationship is fulfilling to the core, and worth waiting for. Hang in there!

I so wish I hadn't stayed so long. I think if I'd had mn and sites like baggage reclaim I wouldn't have.

Been reading that Mr Unavailable and the fallback girl. It's like reading about my life for the last 4 years. The future faking, managing down my expectations by blowing hot and cold so I'm just grateful for the normal bits, the lazy communication, trying to win me back with promises when I end it. These guys practically have a script!

You're still only 28 though A spring chicken. I think that's a pretty good age to have discovered the Twat Scripts - lots of women stay stuck in these relationships for much longer.

True, on both points.

I guess I may not have believed it anyway at the time. Someone close to me did say once, probably over a year ago now 'you'll wise up to him one day, but it will be in your own time' I think I understand that now.

Yes, they do have a script - it's amazing how they follow it slavishly.

You now have the whole of your life to find a good'un, but you may find that once you've got 'yourself' back, you don't necessarily want one