My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb

[Mouseyinmyhousey]

Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.

After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.

Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.

Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.

I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.

He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.

Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.

We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.

He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.

I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.

I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.

I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.

Good plan Mousey

No I haven't thought about what to say to dc. Dc does ask when is ex coming over. But at the same time, dc has been happy, I don't really want to say this because I could end up on an emotional rollercoaster any day now. but things have been quite relaxed. And I've had more time and energy to focus on dc.

Ok so when ex was here, we had fun, we'd be more likely to go on a spontaneous day out than I might by myself, and it was nice having an extra pair of hands. But sometimes I'd be really hassled when ex was here, not because ex wad doing anything wrong, but because I might be trying to do two teas as ex would come over later than dc would need to eat, or ex might have got dc really excited, I can say stick a film on for dc at the weekend while I get on with jobs, without worrying that ex wants to watch his sport, none of these things are bad at all, but just in terms of the house feeling bigger, calmer, but the novelty of this will probably wear off quite quickly. But I've been doing things like reading lots of books to dc cuddled up in bed.

I'm not sure whether I should tell dc something, or just keep making an excuse and hoping that for dc the memory of ex will eventually drift away, dc is 5.

I would just ignore.

Did you ever get your back-door keys from him?

It's hard to know what to do say to your DC. My DS has just turned 6, and I can't imagine him just forgetting something like that. Perhaps you could suggest that it would be quite nice for it just to be mummy and him/ her for a while - and explain that the 2 of you can do lots of nice things together such as watching whatever you want on TV, and going out here, there etc (basically, all the sticking points that there were with ex).

He left back door keys on the day, basically what he'd done was taken them when he left, came through Yeh back door after I'd gone to work, left the keys and let himself out the front door.

I will deal with it with the in the short term, I'm slightly more concerned about long term and the effect all this may have. Dc will have no memory at all or real dad, but obviously will have of ex. I'm worried that will be difficult to explain in years to come as dc will obviously have long term memories of ex. But hopefully I will be able to explain in an age appropriate way.

I was feeling really guilty earlier, been getting lots of texts, some I've deleted without reading, some saying how fed up he is and to stop this madness. Oh and apparently he's got a surprise for me. I was beginning to feel bad but have then got really, really angry for some reason, thinking about all sorts of times he's treated me badly and with a complete lack.of basic respect. I've ended up feeling furious, neither of which feel good.

I understand your concern about DC.

I think it's fine to say something along the lines of ex was a good friend (slight exaggeration I know but for DC), but you don't want to be friends with him anymore cos he wasn't very nice to you.

It's very telling that he won't accept your decision, with all the silly texts

A man who respected your boundaries wouldn't behave like that. He'd leave you alone.

Yep Flippinada, I agree. No respect for your decision or boundaries.

Perhaps 1 text. 'Please stop contacting me. I have told you it is over. Further contact will be reported as harassment.'

saying how fed up he is and to stop this madness

Urgh. Yes, not surprised you're feeling furious.

totally get what you mean about things being calmer my ex would always get ds all excited jumping about play fighting close to bedtime.
when your confidence has grown abit which it will you will be able to do days out just you and ds, whatever and wherever you want.
no advice what to do with regards to telling dc or whatever im in the same boat and at abit of a lose at the minute, not seen ex for 2months now my ds nearly 4 is talking about him everyday, really don't know what to say. we won't be seeing him again i feel sad for my ds he's lost one of his best friends

I'd suggest not sending ANY replies to him.

If you do, even along the lines of 'please stop', all you will have done is given him the message that it takes x days of harassing texts to get your attention.

Nice to hear your having quality time with your DC...sounds lovely.

You have asked him to leave you alone. You have told him why.

He has called your decision madness.
He is not leaving you alone.

There are laws against harrassment, and this is harrassment.

I'm not surprised you're really angry. The disrespect he is showing you now, is echoing all the disrespect he has shown you throughout your 4 year relationship. That's 4 years of disrespect which he is beautifully wrapping up in an easily accessable parcel for you now.

You could report him, you know. If this carries on much longer, I would advise that you do.

Why are you feeling guilty ? I understand you having mixed emotions about everything but you shouldn't feel any guilt. IMO you have not done anything wrong.

I'm not sure why I feel guilty, perhaps guilty is the wrong word. But it doesn't feel good to think someone else is feeling bad.

I'm having mixed emotions today, going from feeling really angry to really sad. Thinking of all the really horrible things he's done, but all the really nice things.

Having said all that, I know this is not my fault, its not as though I just got bored of him, or cheated, I had very good reason to end it. And I've no doubt that despite all the things he's saying, he probably doesn't feel half as bad as I do, I was a lot more invested in the relationship than he was.

I think I wish we could just mutually agree to end it.

I did read about this in my baggage reclaim book, it's all part if the script, Mr won't commit will bombard you with declarations of love once you end it, and suddenly promise you everything you already wanted, but with no substance, because he won't commit to you, but won't commit to not having you around either!

I do also think that not responding is probably important for me to detach. But ignoring someone goes completely against the way I am, it just seems so completely ignorant

It's hard, but you are doing it and can go on doing it. Dignified silence; you will be able to review your actions in the future without shame or embarrassment, if you maintain that dignified silence. And yes, it will go a long way to helping you detach and get over him more quickly, and to move on with your life.

Yes, he doesn't feel half as bad as you do. It's possible that he doesn't actually feel bad at all, but is just following the script because that is what he does. He wasn't particularly invested emotionally, he was going through the motions I suppose, and so he's going through the motions now.

You have every right to be furious. Don't deny your emotions, it's all part of the healing. Sadness is too.

Oh gosh, I'm so glad to see you say you're getting angry! I think you're starting to move from denial to anger and that's a good thing.

I just read the whole thread silently praying that by the time I got to page 16 you were sticking to your guns - deliriously happy to see that's the case.

It seems you have quite low self esteem and quite low expectations about relationships; have you thought about having some counselling or anything to try and help? You've spent 4 years with an abusive man so your boundaries and perceptions of what's normal are probably all over the shop.

I think the suggestion upthread about redecorating your room - or even just a new duvet set or a new picture/mirror for your wall will help you feel as if things have changed and are moving on.

I would also text him and say "Anything you had left at mine will be put in bin bags and left outside the house on (xx day). If they are not collected by (xx time) I will presume you don't want them and throw them away". Then continue to ignore his messages and chuck his stuff out if he doesn't collect. He needs to see some affirmative action that says "I meant what I said".

You'll never meet a better man while you're still clinging onto this loser.

No, I wouldn't text him about his stuff. Chuck it over the wall, as you planned. win/win.

It is a codependent characteristic to have a finely-tuned antennae for other people's suffering, but a dull antennae for your own. You might want to look into codependence.

Reading between the lines, it looks like when you were together you had roars of fun, larking about, playing... But relationships aren't all about that are they? yy it's good to have fun....

He's not Tom Hanks in Big is he? (does he jump on the bed??)

Oh god, I know how this feels; the overwhelming feeling of obligation to talk to someone/respond to them/be nice to them because they are talking to you. I think this is what attracts the twats, because they sense they can kind of decide for us how a situation is going to go. They're so sure about what they want, and we're so unsure, that it seems like the logical thing to do is fall into line with them.

But really, truly, there is no law of the universe that says you have to return anyone's contact on their terms. I like springy's antennae thing.

No he didn't jump on the bed! haven't seen that film. In fact he was too reserved for my liking, I think it was me who thought any playfulness out in him.

The low self esteem and codependency ring true, however I feel as though my self esteem has improved in certain ways, can it just magically improve?

That's been my experience, yes. I think sometimes one just grows into oneself a bit, without the need to specifically "work on" self-esteem or whatever.

Self-esteem is a bit of a nebulous idea, but really it's just the sum total of how you feel about the stuff you do and the person you are every day. So if the stuff you do every day is productive, constructive, represents you doing things you want to do, and going in a direction you want to go in, then yes I think self-esteem can improve just like that.

With regards to my self esteem, it's as if I've suddenly had a revelation, not just this last week, but last few months, that actually no it's not me, it's him. Not to say that I am perfect by any means, but I didn't single handedly do all this.

It is also probably things like lurking on mn, some of the books I've been reading, and just time that have helped me make that revelation. I spent a lot of time before thinking there must be something very wrong with me for someone to treat me so badly.

When I say "stuff you do" that makes it sound a bit challenging, I don't mean feeling good because you've climbed Everest or anything. Just going through a normal day in a way that meets your goals and suits your view of yourself, if that makes sense.

x posts

Morning Mousey! Just checking in to say you seem to have come a long way since you started this thread. Very well done.

Hope today's a good day for you